Wtf?!?!

[despicableME]

Ummm... after reading through many of the threads and posts here, it seems people are able to bring up certain subjects without being criticized. Well... here goes. Is it wrong of me to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the physical aspect of my affair. I feel so guilty for this. I mean... it wasn't only different, but better in some ways to that of my marriage. Is it because of the "naughtiness" of it, or because we were really "going at it." I hope I don't ruffle any feathers by this, but since I'm not in any kind of therapy I needed an outlet of some kind. It just bugs the hell out of me that I keep going back to this in my mind. I'm one F@#$ED-UP individual.

[frozensprouts]

i don't know if you are f'ed up or not...but at least yiu are trying to understand your actions and choices,which is not a bad thing ( self evaluation and introspection can be helpful, but are often very difficult and not for the faint of heart)

 

i don't know if anyone can answer the question about why you had the feelings you did but you.

 

this may sound like a dumb question ( i apologize in advance) but what was it about the physical aspect that made it better? Do you think it wa sthe fact that you were doing something "forbidden" and secret? Did the risk involved make it more exciting? ( I have sometimes heard that, but i wouldn't personally know)? Was it being with someone new and different (the novelty of the situation?) ? Was she just really good at the physical side of things? - some people are better than others:laugh:

 

do you think that the physical stuff ( not exactly sure what you mean by that...I am assuming you mean sex, or do you mean the whole "physical" part of the the relationship?(i.e.- cuddling, holding hands, kisisng, etc.?) with her would have been so good if you were both single, or did the fact that it was an affair and therefore hidden and secret play into it?

[dreamingoftigers]

I find sex is better if it is fun and not "expected." I know that some people (husband included) feel more that marital sex is an "expectation" more then fun.

 

That can feel somewhat imprisoning.

[Ruby_shoes]

Maybe it was the chemistry, the seratonine and dopemine rush that accompanied it. That isn't present in long term love but the chemicals that are produced when you fall in love so your mind is not the same with one partner as with the other. For me sex was worse - he had anxieties, one thing I'm glad about because I'd be more of a mess if it had been amazing! It was the emotional aspect that scr3w3d me up and like you I still deal with the consequences.

 

I've heard it said those involved in an A can suffer symptoms of PTSD when it ends if they feel out of control or helpless - symptoms include flashbacks, obsessive thinking, avoidance of things that trigger memories, anxiety, mentallly re-living aspects of the experience amongst others. Whether this is a step too far I don't know but I do know those symptoms describe many of us here. Your thinking and going back to things in your mind is very normal!

[Severely Unamused]

Ummm... after reading through many of the threads and posts here, it seems people are able to bring up certain subjects without being criticized. Well... here goes. Is it wrong of me to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the physical aspect of my affair. I feel so guilty for this. I mean... it wasn't only different, but better in some ways to that of my marriage. Is it because of the "naughtiness" of it, or because we were really "going at it." I hope I don't ruffle any feathers by this, but since I'm not in any kind of therapy I needed an outlet of some kind. It just bugs the hell out of me that I keep going back to this in my mind. I'm one F@#$ED-UP individual.

 

It makes sense and it really shouldn't be that surprising. Affair or no, good sex is still good sex.

 

But you want to know what made the sex good don't you?

 

Was it the taboo aspect of what you were doing? Was the affair 50% guilt and 50% thrill?

 

Or was it the more primal aspects of what you were doing? You weren't "making love" to this OW...you were f*cking her raw, right? Was the OW more "skilled" in bed, compared to your wife? Do you find her more physically attractive than your wife?

 

Maybe you just wanted some variety? Maybe monogamy isn't for you?

 

Well sh*t, none of us are mindreaders.

 

Maybe it was the chemistry, the seratonine and dopemine rush that accompanied it.

 

It could be this.

[Lemon Drop]

Just like breakups from regular relationships, there are all kinds of reasons why you could be missing it... especially if you were not ready for it to end.. i.e. you were found out, etc.

 

Anyone who has more than one lover in their lifetime can compare their lovemaking.. some people do have great connections and others do not. Perhaps your AP brought out your sensual side... and you theirs. Some people are not sensual at all or are mechanical, but they usually don't know it. Some people make love in black and white and others in vibrant colors. Is it any wonder once you have had the vibrant colors going back to black and white makes you dream about the colored times?

[woinlove]

Ummm... after reading through many of the threads and posts here, it seems people are able to bring up certain subjects without being criticized. Well... here goes. Is it wrong of me to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the physical aspect of my affair. I feel so guilty for this. I mean... it wasn't only different, but better in some ways to that of my marriage. Is it because of the "naughtiness" of it, or because we were really "going at it." I hope I don't ruffle any feathers by this, but since I'm not in any kind of therapy I needed an outlet of some kind. It just bugs the hell out of me that I keep going back to this in my mind. I'm one F@#$ED-UP individual.

 

Why do you feel so bad about this? Sex can bring up strong feelings and urges and people have given you a number of reasons that can come into affair sex and/or any sex. My own experience is that affair sex was typically great. In fact my own experience is that my affair was much more confined to romantic type stuff than my out in the open Rs were, where we spent time doing things for relatives, others, taking care of ordinary matters, etc, along with the romantic stuff.

 

If the sex was that important to you, it sounds like you could go back for more, right? In a previous post you said your W was divorcing you and the OW was happy to continue to affair if you wanted.

[TigerCub]

OP, I don't think you're f**ked up.

 

Although I never slept with xMM. The chemistry with him and any other "Physical" activity that happened between us was off the charts, fantastic.

 

For me, I didn't thrive on the guilt or the taboo aspect of the affair.

 

For me, I think it was the fact that I loved this person, I wanted to be with them, there was nothing else in the world that I wanted more than to have him and I couldn't. I think that's what made it so painful and amazing all at the same time.

 

Also, don't discount chemistry, when its there, its there and that makes anything physical just amazing.

 

Its good that you're questioning things and that you're trying to understand all the different aspects of it.

[MissBee]

Ummm... after reading through many of the threads and posts here, it seems people are able to bring up certain subjects without being criticized. Well... here goes. Is it wrong of me to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the physical aspect of my affair. I feel so guilty for this. I mean... it wasn't only different, but better in some ways to that of my marriage. Is it because of the "naughtiness" of it, or because we were really "going at it." I hope I don't ruffle any feathers by this, but since I'm not in any kind of therapy I needed an outlet of some kind. It just bugs the hell out of me that I keep going back to this in my mind. I'm one F@#$ED-UP individual.

 

It's not wrong.

 

I mean for what it's worth, one of my best sexual partners was someone with whom I couldn't get a long when we weren't having sex! LOL! Smh...I always wondered about that and I'm sure part of it is something messed up. He was an a-hole, he was incredibly intelligent and sexually skilled though. We had a tense relationship (we weren't in a relationship) where we always argued about everything under the sun, there was sexual tension and hen it would be amaaaaaazzzing sex, then I'd go back to finding him insufferable.

 

But that experience taught me that great sex and chemistry can have negative drivers behind them...I don't know if you know some people in some toxic relationships who keep saying but the sex is so great...it's like there is some correlation between toxicity and hot sex.

[spice4life]

How about just focusing on what you want in your life and make good sex a qualifier for your next relationship? You're focusing on what you don't have in this moment and you need to switch that to, "this is what I want in the future." There is nothing wrong with adding that to your list of wants in a relationship. if you want the whole shabang then figure out what that is and don't stop until you find it.

 

If you are still married and want that with your wife then tell her. Mix things up in the marriage to make it exciting. Listen to your wife's desires and surprise her by doing things that spark and satisfy them. In other words, make your life with her fun and work to meet each other's needs.

Edited November 18, 2011 by spice4life

[despicableME]

Thanks for the replies. I just feel guilty for thinking this. I'm not pining for her in particular, but I do miss what we did. I'm not saying my wife didn't satisfy me, but it was more "lovemaking." Me and AP had great sex. Maybe because we knew we were doing wrong, so we just let loose... know what I mean... we were hungry for each other. It was more tender and loving with my wife, as opposed to the intensity of it with AP. I remember my wife asking me "Did you like it?" I just said- "It was different." And that's what I thought at the time of questioning. I was so worried she would ask me if she(AP) was better. I guess she didn't want to know the answer because she never asked that. I would've had to lie to her to spare her feelings. Everytime I run inot her(AP), I get these mind movies and lose concentration. I really need to find a new job or a different position. I can't go on like this. Anybody have the same problem?

[Severely Unamused]

Thanks for the replies. I just feel guilty for thinking this. I'm not pining for her in particular, but I do miss what we did. I'm not saying my wife didn't satisfy me, but it was more "lovemaking." Me and AP had great sex. Maybe because we knew we were doing wrong, so we just let loose... know what I mean... we were hungry for each other. It was more tender and loving with my wife, as opposed to the intensity of it with AP. I remember my wife asking me "Did you like it?" I just said- "It was different." And that's what I thought at the time of questioning. I was so worried she would ask me if she(AP) was better. I guess she didn't want to know the answer because she never asked that. I would've had to lie to her to spare her feelings. Everytime I run inot her(AP), I get these mind movies and lose concentration. I really need to find a new job or a different position. I can't go on like this.

 

How "vanilla" is your sex life with your wife?

 

If you enjoyed sex with your OW because it was taboo, you and your wife could get into kinky stuff (if the two of you are up for it).

 

Secondly, what's stopping you from f*cking your wife more often? You don't always have to make love to her.

 

Anybody have the same problem?

 

My stbxH had these problems.

[despicableME]

How "vanilla" is your sex life with your wife?

 

 

Not "vanilla," just different. There was f@#$ing involved, but the "intensity" wasn't there. We tried different things, but as someone pointed out earlier... maybe the novelty wore off with my wife. Both of these woman were attractive, so there was no problem in that respect.

 

Secondly, what's stopping you from f*cking your wife more often? You don't always have to make love to her.

 

Ummm... maybe because I moved out, and we're headed toward divorce.

 

If I can articulate it in any way, it would be through this:

 

 

As opposed to this:

 

 

See what I mean.

[Severely Unamused]

Ummm... maybe because I moved out, and we're headed toward divorce.

I meant "stopped" - not "stopping".

 

Since you've said that you had a varied sex life, it's a moot point I suppose.

 

the novelty wore off with my wife.

So...maybe monogamy isn't for you?

[despicableME]

So...maybe monogamy isn't for you?

 

This is what I'm afraid of. I was never the type to step-out of any relationship before. I don't plan to either. I'm just going to take a break from ANY relationships for a while... gonna be real hard, though.

[Emme]

There is nothing wrong with you dear. The excitement is a part of it but sometimes there is an emotional connection that people might not consider. We all have our memories. Don't beat yourself up.

[despicableME]

Maybe it REALLY wasn't that good... maybe because it was different I feel this way... maybe because it was so new and uninhibited, I'm craving it. I'm a few months out, and I don't want to re-start it. I'm trying very hard to keep my composure. I've even contemplated quitting my job altogether to get past it, but I would see myself as a quitter and a wuss(sorry ladies) for not fighting it. I know we(AP and I) can't keep in contact anymore.

[beenburned]

DM,

I'm a long time married person. In the early years of our marriage, my H cheated on me with 3 different OW.

 

On D-Day, I asked him the same question as your wife. He responded that "it was just different". (with all 3 women) I wanted to know if he would ever be CAPABLE of being faithful to me before I considered reconciliation.

 

We had always had an active sexual life, and we were always trying new things. So it made it harder for me to understand why he cheated.

 

After some time passed by, and more deep thought about it all. He confessed that he enjoyed the risk, forbideness, etc. of doing something wrong. He loved how wildly attracted they were to him. He said he didn't do anything with them sexually that he we hadn't done.

 

We did seperate for a while (I left him), so he could get a clear view of just how different his life would be without me.(we always loved each other)

 

Now he clearly understands that with me, he has the whole package, the physical, emotional, and spiritial rolled into one. Anything else is just a CHEAP imitation of the real thing.

[despicableME]

He confessed that he enjoyed the risk, forbideness, etc. of doing something wrong. He loved how wildly attracted they were to him. He said he didn't do anything with them sexually that he we hadn't done.

 

 

Believe it or not, this is very true. IMO, you only fall in love with AP if you let yourself, because although I DO believe in love at first sight, you can also learn to love someone. I was always under the impression that what we had was just that-- AN AFFAIR. She on the other hand fell for me. She had lost that love for her husband some time ago, and was looking to re-capture some semblance of that lost love with me- almost projecting that "ideal" love onto me. That's why I say, it could've been ANYONE, but because we were in such close proximity- it was only a matter of time before we crossed the line. She made me up... she built me up into something she was craving. I could've just as easily said "f@#$ it," I'm not all that satisfied myself with MY situation, so I'll go ahead and lose myself in the emotional aspect of the affair... but I didn't. I do miss her... I miss the similar qualities we both share(d)... I miss the intense physical attraction. I find myself fighting it everytime our paths cross. I really don't know what she's thinking if she has "lost it" for her husband.

Edited November 19, 2011 by despicableME

[Emme]

So why not replace your intense physical attraction with someone else.... You have no emotions for her so it should be easy for you.

[despicableME]

That's exaclty what I'm going to do. I just have to isolate myself from her. I need to physically remove myself from her vicinity. Like you said, I don't love her... I care for her, but I don't love her. I mean... I can learn to love her, but for all the wrong reasons-- SEX. I don't think its fair to her if I'm only "using" her for my own sexual gratification. No one desreves to be used. She's a special person... any man would be lucky to land her as a mate. I just think we did what we did for the wrong reasons. Maybe if we were both single... but then again... would the relationship be as intense knowing we were available, and didn't belong to someone else. I guess that's the allure of an affair-- FORBIDDEN FRUIT.

[Emme]

Yeah that sounds like a easy fix. One two three and she'll be gone from your memory. You have no "real" emotions for her what so ever, so this should be easy for you. So as its said "There's no p*ssy like new p*ssy!" Have fun!

 

*Emme whistles*

[despicableME]

One two three and she'll be gone from your memory.

 

I didn't say that. Nowhere in my posts did I say it was gonna be EASY... nowhere in my posts did I say, I didn't care for her- caring IS an emotion. All I said was- I'm not in LOVE with her. I know, being a woman, it sounds cold to you, but that's not how we are toward each other. At least I didn't string her along like many MM do their OW. She doesn't deserve that; my wife didn't deserve it either.

[woinlove]

I didn't say that. Nowhere in my posts did I say it was gonna be EASY... nowhere in my posts did I say, I didn't care for her- caring IS an emotion. All I said was- I'm not in LOVE with her. I know, being a woman, it sounds cold to you, but that's not how we are toward each other. At least I didn't string her along like many MM do their OW. She doesn't deserve that; my wife didn't deserve it either.

 

Sounds honest to me. Actually, I don't see that much love from MM in the posts here -- often seems more like infatuation, fantasy, and addiction than love. Most people who really love another would not want to keep them in an affair, they'd rather have an R out in the open with the one they love.

 

However, even without love, it can be very difficult moving on after an affair.

[Emme]

I didn't say that. Nowhere in my posts did I say it was gonna be EASY... nowhere in my posts did I say, I didn't care for her- caring IS an emotion. All I said was- I'm not in LOVE with her. I know, being a woman, it sounds cold to you, but that's not how we are toward each other. At least I didn't string her along like many MM do their OW. She doesn't deserve that; my wife didn't deserve it either.

 

 

I read your post. I understood what you what said. Since there is no love there it should not be that hard. You just care. No love. What you should be asking yourself is why are you so invested in someone you just care about???

 

It's physical more so than "emotional" for you... replace the entity.