Wtf?!?!

[norajane]

I think people tend to get attached to people who make them feel good or better about themselves. The better their affair partner (or the affair itself) made them feel about themselves, the harder it is to let go.

[despicableME]

I do think you're in denial about the level of emotion you truly felt, may not have been deeply in love but I think it goes deeper than simply caring.

 

Maybe so, but I don't want to be with her. Why is that so hard to believe? I know what I said.

 

The better their affair partner (or the affair itself) made them feel about themselves, the harder it is to let go.

 

I tend to agree more with this.

[beenburned]

For all the people that need affairs for the thrill of new sex, more variety, or just the forbiddeness of doing something that is wrong: How will you ever be content with a traditional monogamous marriage?

[nofool4u]

For all the people that need affairs for the thrill of new sex, more variety, or just the forbiddeness of doing something that is wrong: How will you ever be content with a traditional monogamous marriage?

 

They won't be. And for someone elses sake, I hope they stay away from marriage. Or commitment for that matter.

[Emme]

I just don't see what you're seeing. How am I focused on her and her marriage? The only thing that I can think of that bothers me is the fact that she told me she's NOT in love with him anymore. Why keep up the charade? He deserves to know the true state of their marriage. It doesn't mean we'll end up together if they should decide to split. That is not my intention. Our relationship(affair) is over. As with any other relationship, we just have to get over the feelings we shared and move on; this being the sticking point.

 

...example

I find myself fighting it everytime our paths cross. I really don't know what she's thinking if she has "lost it" for her husband.

 

Why do you care?

You didn't care that he needed to know the state of their marriage when you were f*cking his wife. Why do you care.

 

 

That's exaclty what I'm going to do. I just have to isolate myself from her. I need to physically remove myself from her vicinity. Like you said, I don't love her... I care for her, but I don't love her. I mean... I can learn to love her, but for all the wrong reasons-- SEX. I don't think its fair to her if I'm only "using" her for my own sexual gratification. No one desreves to be used. She's a special person... any man would be lucky to land her as a mate. I just think we did what we did for the wrong reasons. Maybe if we were both single... but then again... would the relationship be as intense knowing we were available, and didn't belong to someone else. I guess that's the allure of an affair-- FORBIDDEN FRUIT.

 

She's a tool. You are using her for sex. But even though you say you can the level of your emotions involved says volumes to me that you care about her more than you say you do. That's all.

 

 

Because believe it or not, she's still my friend. Just because we're not seeing each other "in that way," doesn't mean we don't speak to each other amicably. I can see it hurts her that we're "just friends," but should I feel compelled to keep the affair going ONLY because of this? NO! Its not fair to her that I'm getting my sexual gratification, while she thinks its MORE than that.

 

 

Like you've said, I'm addicted to "the thrill, risk, sex, some feelings connected to the A." How wrong would it be for me to string her along and allow her to leave her husband, when I'm emotionally unavailable... she'd be devastated. We shared physical intimacy, and thats not easy to get over.

 

 

In some of your posts is seems that you've just made her out to be your dispenser. Someone who just gave you sexual gratification. She is a non factor in your life. That's why I'm puzzled you care so much... think about it, you joined a site.

 

You shared more than just physical intimacy and that's what I see in your post.

 

 

 

I just wanted to do a recap of what I read. For someone who cares for another human being and also down plays the affections he feels for her, I can't buy it. That's all I am saying and I am NOT referring to LOVE. There is something there, figure it out. That's all I'm saying and now I am mute. Good luck DM.

[despicableME]

In some of your posts is seems that you've just made her out to be your dispenser.

 

Easy... no one here was putting it in such a cheap and grotesque manner. And I never said I cared about her husband not knowing. I said it bothered me... two different things.

 

I think you just wanted me to admit to something that clearly wasn't there, and just didn't get that admission from me, so you upped your responses to get me to bite. You're the only one who's reading it that way. Everyone else who's responded to this thread has pretty much agreed to how some affairs(mine in particular) are just that- AFFAIRS... no love involved. There are some sentiments being tossed around, but nothing even remotely close to love. I think you just got too invested in my situation to see that.

 

That's all I'm saying and now I am mute. Good luck DM.

 

By the way, I like the passive agressive nature where you so eloquently thought you had the last word.

Edited December 2, 2011 by despicableME

[NoIDidn't]

Hi despicableME

 

I get what you are saying about no love being involved. Everyone here reads with their own filter, but you seem to notice that already.

 

I think you feel so messed up because you don't know if you will ever have sex that intense again. You say your marriage is possibly ending, so there is also the possibility that it won't be with your W either.

 

You say the two of you "went at it". Sounds like so much of the whole spectrum of your sexual selves was hidden from your spouses. That's one of the curses of marriage. Our partners start to see us in only one way and actual reject changes even when they are for the better. So it would be challenging to have "affair"-type sex with a spouse that one is afraid to change things up on.

 

I hope space, time, and reflection give you the answers you seek.

[despicableME]

Hey NID.

 

I think you feel so messed up because you don't know if you will ever have sex that intense again.

 

Maybe so, but sex with my wife was also fulfilling. It was different though.

 

I think the taboo nature of the cheating itself intensified the affair sex. We knew it was wrong so we would literally go for broke- anything and everything. I guess I can say that we knew we were "f@#$ed," so why stop there. I honestly thought we'd get caught sooner or later, so we just upped the ante thinking this might be the last time. See what I mean? I wasn't holding a gun to her head either... she was more than willing to participate in our "antics."

[Ruby_shoes]

I find your views and honesty refreshing dm. I do hope you'll continue posting, it's good to hear the views of MM!

 

It seems to me very normal what you feel and I understand some of what you say and commend you for searching for the answers. I hope when you gain further insight it will set you up to move on with better knowledge of yourself and deeper satisfaction in life

 

Good luck!