Jam3s Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) So I am in a LDR which has been official for 2 months now with us having met a month ago for a few days. One of her closest friends is also a distant past boyfriend (5 or so years ago) however I have never trusted him, he lets out his frustrations on her and often she consoles in me about him making her feel like crap. Today she came online to tell me that not only did he kiss her but he also touched her (through clothes) only an hour or so previously. She was very apologetic, said she felt disgusting etc etc etc and hat she has no feelings for him apart from close friends but found herself "caught up in a strange moment of confusion" whatever that means. Now I honestly do feel like she loves me, the way she acts towards me and looks at me when we are on webcam makes me feel confident that her feelings are genuine but really right now I am very hurt, angry and confused. I asked her if I can trust her that it will never happen again, she promised me it wouldn't and I then mentioned that her "friend" (A real friend would never do what he does to her including this) really needs his ass put in line by her and she said he knows it's wrong. I told her to put herself in my shoes, how would she feel, she said she would be absolutely devastated and I left the conversation at that. Honestly I don't know what to think, I will sleep on it for sure and really I'm just here to vent and not bottle up my frustration but I really don't want to break it off with her, I guess I just need to find it in me to trust her when she promised it will never happen again. Don't expect anyone to reply btw more of a vent than asking for any advice however if anyone has gone through this and does have words of wisdom them I would be appreciative to hear them! Will just have to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. Edited November 18, 2011 by Jam3s Link to post Share on other sites
daisydukes Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 (edited) I am in the same sort of situation only it is my boyfriend. He claims he would never ever cheat on me however he went on a date and lied about it. I want to trust him with all my heart and I want to believe it was innocent but at the same time he lied to me and went on a date. I only found out because I saw him texting and didn't know I saw him. I am kinda venting myself because I want to trust him but at the same time why lie to me? Isn't being in a relationship about honesty?? I don't know about your particular situation but like me you want to believe her right? You are probably like me you just are upset and you just do not handle the situation right?? You want to stay with them but at the same time you are a little annoyed right?? My boyfriend says he isn't mad but he isn't talking to me either because I confronted him and he didn't like that but I was upset! It's like one side of your brain says get the heck out of there stat the other side of your brain says well maybe it is only a one time thing right? Edited November 18, 2011 by daisydukes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jam3s Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Thanks for your reply Daisy. It does hurt and you do wish to believe with every bit of you that they are genuine it won't happen again, in my case I do believe her and what we have is too special for me to not at least let her prove to me that it won't happen again. If it does however then I will be out the door quicker than Usain Bolt off the starting blocks. In your situation to me it's disappointing he is the one ignoring you as if you have done something wrong when you have done absolutely nothing wrong, he needs to man up and take responsibility for his actions and pretty much beg before you to forgive him and not let it happen again. Wish you all the best! For me my main concern is her "friend", whom I believe doesn't actually give a **** about what he has done and will possibly try again. I just have to trust that she will not enable him to. Link to post Share on other sites
daisydukes Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I am really ticked off at him right now. I caught him in yet another lie! He said yesterday and made this whole story about how his brother lost his job because he left the door unlocked at work and funny because today his brother posted about working late today so that is lie number 3. As far as I am concerned I don't want to be with a liar and I hope he never texts me again. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Sorry to say, sounds like she doesn't have enough respect for your relationship. If she did then she wouldn't have a problem with setting boundaries with this other guy. If she isn't going to set boundaries you should. You have every right, there is nothing wrong with it and you can get a better feel for whether or not she is actually ready for a real relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jam3s Posted November 24, 2011 Author Share Posted November 24, 2011 Well I'm more perplexed after tonight, discussing weekend plans I said I am going to an engagement party and she says "you will look sexy, who knows you might get lucky" and not in a joking manner either, she was serious. I replied with "err no, id never do that" to which she replied "you never know, you can't say that" and I simply said I can because id simply never make a conscious decision to ruin what we have. Then she throws this whammy in the mix "last year I never thought I'd be someone who cheats, and last year I did", "i've been cheated on heaps as well", so it's almost as if it's just something to be expect. But she says that she wouldn't do it again, as I have flatout told her if she does I would never speak to her again, and id expect the same in reverse. Strange, seems her past hurt has almost left her accepting that she is going to be hurt... Link to post Share on other sites
cdm369 Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Just went through this and broke it off with my girl cause her ex was more important that our R. Found out she was talking to him about problems and issues. She had no respect for our R and my boundaries and no boundaries of her own. Sounds like the same deal you have going on. I know you love her but if you stay with her you will be putting in the work and will feel like its you doing all the work. You doing all the suffering. You sound like I did a month ago. I wish I had took off when it first started. If you keep her you will have a lot to deal with. You got to decide what you will tolerate and set boundaries and see how she responds. Protect yourself cause no one else will. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jam3s Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Unfortunately I am starting to agree with that. I don't believe she intentionally is wanting to hurt me or anything, but the emotional and physical abuse she suffered in her past with boyfriends abandoning her and cheating on her etc etc seems to have more or less left her believing that is the reality and that is what will happen every time, so she more or less expects to be hurt. I brought that point up with her last night and she agreed with me and said it's hard for her to trust and it takes time, the fact we are currently LDR is not helping that either. I do believe she can learn to believe her past is not going to be replicated with us but I suppose the question I have to ask myself is whether I am willing to go through the inevitable hurt and challenges to reach that point because currently it really does feel like I can't do much at all without making her worried but she is free to do whatever she likes and only gets confused when I explain how her actions are unfair and hypocritical. Link to post Share on other sites
cdm369 Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Sorry to hear that but I know exactly where you're coming from. If you decide to stay its a hard road for you. Just did it....good luck my friend Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jam3s Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Appreciate it mate! Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted November 25, 2011 Share Posted November 25, 2011 Well I'm more perplexed after tonight, discussing weekend plans I said I am going to an engagement party and she says "you will look sexy, who knows you might get lucky" and not in a joking manner either, she was serious. I replied with "err no, id never do that" to which she replied "you never know, you can't say that" and I simply said I can because id simply never make a conscious decision to ruin what we have. Then she throws this whammy in the mix "last year I never thought I'd be someone who cheats, and last year I did", "i've been cheated on heaps as well", so it's almost as if it's just something to be expect. But she says that she wouldn't do it again, as I have flatout told her if she does I would never speak to her again, and id expect the same in reverse. Strange, seems her past hurt has almost left her accepting that she is going to be hurt... This bit is strange. It looks to me like she's trying to push you off onto someone else. Maybe because she is cheating or has feelings for someone else. That's just how it looks to me. Long distance as well... I can relate to how you're feeling but that's very suspicious IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jam3s Posted November 25, 2011 Author Share Posted November 25, 2011 Well I discussed in detail about that afterwards and it took a bit of delving into her emotions and her past but in the end of kind of became clear that she was saying because she was voicing her concern based on the fact guys in her past did exactly that, went out somewhere and cheated on her. So It's really her trying to bring herself to come to terms with the fact that she expects it will happen because she knows no different from her past. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Today she came online to tell me that not only did he kiss her but he also touched her (through clothes) only an hour or so previously. She was very apologetic, said she felt disgusting etc etc etc and hat she has no feelings for him apart from close friends but found herself "caught up in a strange moment of confusion" whatever that means. So they made out and he only touched her through her clothes. As if it mattered if anything more went on, please tell me you don't believe that obvious load of crap?? Something tells me you are simply so in love up to your eyeballs and infatuated with this girl that you will do anything to keep her, including sweeping what she did under the rug. If she loved you, she wouldn't have been with him, much less have any contact with him being an X. Hate to tell you this, but this isn't going to be the last time something like this happens. And they DID do more. You really believe he was satisfied with not going further? If you do, all I can say is, good luck with those blinders. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Well I discussed in detail about that afterwards and it took a bit of delving into her emotions and her past but in the end of kind of became clear that she was saying because she was voicing her concern based on the fact guys in her past did exactly that, went out somewhere and cheated on her. So It's really her trying to bring herself to come to terms with the fact that she expects it will happen because she knows no different from her past. Wow, she just served you a sh#t sandwich and you ate it. I'm not putting it like that to insult you. I want you to wake up and see that she is giving you a load of crap. She just gave you her justification for what she did, and now I bet she thinks you will accept that lame ass excuse and forgive her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jam3s Posted November 30, 2011 Author Share Posted November 30, 2011 You guys are right, I am too caught up in the good times and my feelings towards her to see what is really going on. She tells me she loves me, tells me im the best thing to ever happen to her, that I "saved" her and so forth and although I do believe that her past has caused her issues with relationships I also now believe I am being taken for a ride. The last straw was this afternoon when I got the message: "my ex visited my house today" I asked why, she replied "to say he has changed and to give him another chance". I replied that he had enough and ruined it all and now she is with me and asked her how she felt and what she was thinking to which her reply was: "I'm thinking maybe I should let him but I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to do that and lose you. I dunno what I'm thinking tbh". I then told her I couldn't believe she was even consider leaving me, someone who was "the best thing to ever happen to her" for an abusive ex....she then completely ignored that and tried sending happy messages but I told her I didn't want to hear it and that I would speak to her tomorrow. But really I don't deserve to be treated like this, perhaps I'm scared of being alone since I have been my whole life but id feel more alone and anxious with someone who didn't care for me than if I was actually alone I think. Link to post Share on other sites
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