When love and Hate collides

[Seducer11]

Heya LS member;

 

Here i am back again...After 4 years of dissapearing..Somehow i kinda hate myself, i feel like i only needed LS when im heart broke or down. I do admit its a ****ty attitude. Anyway, lets get down to the real issue...

 

Within the 4 years apart, i have to say i learned alot of experience on various emotions. I learn to how to love deeply, i learn how to let go and unfortunately at the moment i learned how to hold on and never let go. I met a nice and beautiful girl 4 years ago but it only lasted for 3 years. Loved her deeply and always tried my best to make her wish comes true. I met her parents and vice versa..Travel to alot of places during summer together with and without my family. We had wonderful moments together. Unfortunately she cheated and got pregnant by other guys. I went crazy and yes i felt heart broken. However, mind you that the reason i am writing here is not because of that relationship but it more to the afterwards of it. She left and got married with the guy and there is nothing i can do and i can see clearly that she wasnt meant for me. Im happy for her and for her newborn baby and new life. I do love her so much that i am willing to make her happy even if that happiness is not part of me.. I applied NC even up to now and during this healing process i went out to club, meet a lot of new friends, start to play footie again and yes i am on the road to recovery..

 

The problem and real issue starts here:

 

One day, i went out to a bar with my cousin and mates for drink. While enjoying my lager, there on the corner of my eye, i saw a very beautiful lady. I admit i was still in the healing process but somehow im surprised how quickly i feel in love. I took every strength and luck in me and went to her table. Asked for her name and soon we swap phone numbers. Soon after. we were on the phone, skype and facebook chat almost every day for the next 2 weeks.

 

Keep in mind that we're from different country but it was closed enough and eversince i met her, i would travel that 2 hours journey just to meet her and everyday i would never missed passing by that border. Anyway, we both knew that we were in love and finally decided to give it a try (april 2011). Almost a month into the relationship, everything went great. Butterflies were all around and the perfection what my eyes saw in her is always there. Then like what most people would say, "Perfection dosent exsists in reality, only in dreams..", flaws began to appear.

 

Our first argument was in may, on my birthday..She decided to celebrate it at her local club and booked one room for kareoke. She invited her friends and i invited mine. We were happily singing and dancing..Lots of kisses that night. But little did i know, it ended up in a disaster. Me and my mate was singing and suddenly the room that consists of less than 15 people, suddenly left 5 and all of them were my mates. She and her friends, went outside to check on people clubbing and dancing. She left me in there for quite a good half an hour. I dismissed the negative feeling and thought positively that maybe she just wanna enjoy abit with her friends. So she came back n we started laughing n it still looks going well for that night. Half an hour later, she dissapeared again with a guy which is one of her mate and this time for almost an hour. Then i suddenly received a text msg from her saying she will be right back that shes just wanted to see the people clubbing on the outside (fyi,she loves to club and dance). So i kept singing and laughing with my mates and hers. An hour had passed, and i went to the loo and on the way to the loo, i was surprised to see her dancing intimately. She saw me looking at her and went after me as i was making my way back to the kareoke room. She suddenly explained that they were really close friends since kids. I looked at her, smile and told her i understand eventhough my heart was shattered into million of pieces. I mean its my birthday, and for once i do not deserve to be left alone in a room with only my mate n not to mention seeing her dancing so intimately with a guy. Its a special day for me n all i wanted is just to spent every moment with a special person. Anyway we continue to talked and laugh but my mood suddenly change and i did a good job hiding it.

 

As weeks and months passed by, we argued more often, but that dosent stop me from trying my best to make all her needs and wish comes true. Spent more money than i ever had ona girl before, sacrifice alot of things and moments for her. At that moment i can see, shes the type of person who always thinks shes right and never listen to others suggestion. If she made her decision on some stuff then that decision will be the final. She would never backed off or backed down.

 

The arguments gets more and more what i could imagine. We would fight just because of twitter and facebook. I understand that some stuff are meant for privacy esp inbox and password. It was never an issue to me. But one day she aksed for my facebook password which i reluctant to give it to her because i had been using that facebook eversince 5-6 years ago and yes i do admit there are stuff from my previous relationship which she knew already in the first place. Somehow she managed to persuade me to give me my password because at that time i was just being honest and theres nothing to hide. At times she would mention or repeat all the messages from my previous relationship and according to her she was just kidding around. One day ive realised that some of her comment on her friends wall does not appear on her wall saying she commented on this and that.I was kind of curious, why would she wanna hide some comment. So being curious i asked for her password and to my amaze she would rather fight and torn our relationship than to give her password. The trust i had for her gradually getting lesser. The same thing with her twitter, i kept asking her many times why didnt she approve me following her and she said because theres nothing in her twitter and i would get jealous easily. Why would i get jealous if there arent things that needs to be jealous off..However i can see what people tweet on her but i cant see what she tweet on people. And to be able to see what other people tweeted her esp her ex bf makes me insecure. She told me that shes always close with the ex bf. But i question myself, close enough to a point of trying to invite the ex of having lunch together at an expensive restaurant???? And close enough of having the idea to wanted to have dinner and drinking session just the two of them?

 

Argument was norm for us by then (but i cant deny the fact there are still days where we would meet and felt the happiest person alive). The thing is, we always fight on the phone, whatsapp and skype but when it comes to meeting each other, we just drown the whole world. We felt like we fell in love all over again. Anyway one day, she was asking me to check her ipad on her friends phone number.. There lying on her bad was her ipad and she was on twitter and it was her inbox. I did not have any intention of invading her privacy because i know i would end up in pain. All this time, i prefer not to know the truth. However, as i took her ipad, i accidently saw a msg to her ex bf telling him abt her new twitter account. She came in to the room realising she havent log off her twitter. I asked her what is this and can i see the rest of her inbox (just wanted to know her reaction).. She begged and ask for her ipad back.. I could have insists and look through the inbox, instead i smile n gave her back. I didnt talked about it for days till one argument she was being really rude and cruel. N in every argument she would juz hung up on the phone and start to tweet cruel things about me and purposely tried to make me jealous on facebook..When ever i get mad, she would love to do things to get me more mad and when i question her she simply said, i may be the best bf she ever had but she is pretty damn sure she will find a better one...And at one argument she would tell me d reason why shes being cruel is because i begged for love. N she dislike beggers. She prefer to be love less..N when i question her abt whether or not she loves me n she said yes she loves me, and if she dosent she wouldnt introduce me to her parents and let me stay at her place. But then again, what kind of gf would say all the meanest and cruel things to her bf when shes mad...I could never ever say those words no matter how mad i am.I am confuse...I felt that this relationship is full of secrets...Im not the one who easily get paranoid or jealous, not until i saw it with my own eyes..But then again i would still try to hold it n keep it in me..The fact that at times i told her means i just cant hold it any longer. At one time she went vacation with her friends, and we argued just because i missed her..I told her she have 24 hours in a day and all i ever wanted is just 5 minutes on the phone which means she can spent 1335minutes with her friends.At that time she was on her 3rd day of her vacation. I kept on waiting for her to call but she did not.Hence that day i rang her up and asked if shes that busy...She got fired up and told me she hated when i missed her...The question is, 2 days without talking dosent make her miss me???

 

Somebody tell whats going on here...N why am i still here with her...

[Sugarkane]

Wilson I think we need your captain save a ho explaination.

[wilsonx]

Wilson I think we need your captain save a ho explaination.

 

You are absolutely right. This is absolutely that. I know you are hurt. I am actually going to do a write up on the whole "Captain save a hoe" explanation that tends to these types of relationships.

 

I want to ask you a question though seducer, you looked after all her needs and wants. What about your needs and wants? You ignored them. You became the caretaker. You enabled her bad behavior and continued to and she walked all over you. You ignored your feelings, your wants, your emotions, you desires and put hers first. Look what happened, she got everything she wanted out of you and walked away scot free. Now you are hurt. You invested all of yourself into her and nothing into you. You lost yourself in the relationship. By ignoring all your wants and putting her first you are now left with nothing.

 

Its 5am and Im drunk and Im going to bed but you need to read exactly what you wrote, everything is about her, what about your needs and your feelings, you just ignored them and focused on her. Now that she left you you are angry at her, you need to see this and be angry at yourself and learn from this that you always need to put yourself, your feelings, your wants and needs first. Any time you are in a relationship, this is still ok, as long as the person you are in a relationship with is a close second

[Seducer11]

You are absolutely right. This is absolutely that. I know you are hurt. I am actually going to do a write up on the whole "Captain save a hoe" explanation that tends to these types of relationships.

 

I want to ask you a question though seducer, you looked after all her needs and wants. What about your needs and wants? You ignored them. You became the caretaker. You enabled her bad behavior and continued to and she walked all over you. You ignored your feelings, your wants, your emotions, you desires and put hers first. Look what happened, she got everything she wanted out of you and walked away scot free. Now you are hurt. You invested all of yourself into her and nothing into you. You lost yourself in the relationship. By ignoring all your wants and putting her first you are now left with nothing.

 

Its 5am and Im drunk and Im going to bed but you need to read exactly what you wrote, everything is about her, what about your needs and your feelings, you just ignored them and focused on her. Now that she left you you are angry at her, you need to see this and be angry at yourself and learn from this that you always need to put yourself, your feelings, your wants and needs first. Any time you are in a relationship, this is still ok, as long as the person you are in a relationship with is a close second

 

 

Cheers for the advice mate n i really appreciate your reply..Well fyi, she havent left me (just yet)..We're still together n we're gonna have a vacation on this coming Wednesday. The vacation is intended to fixed any loose ends but i doubt she will change..Coz she once told me that she will never change for anybody..If people want to be with her then they have to accept her as she is or its the other person who needs to change..I do admit its kinda selfish...

 

Anyway to answer your question, yes i do think about my needs and wants, and what i want and need is basically what she does not want and need..For example; I love to have a lovey dovey relationship n i do want the whole world to know about us..I want to be in a relationship where the girl would cry or chase if i'd ever to leave..But she prefer not to be "love-less", not lovey dovey infront of people (esp FB n twitter) and she does not chase if a guy would to leave her and definitely she wont cry..To her, she can find someone better n she made it crystal clear to me.. And what she wants and needs is basically the opposites of what i want n needs n to add more, what she want and need sometimes tearing the relationship apart..I have this believe that when couples separate they cant be friends (esp when u have a new relationship) coz it is just not appropriate...Friends to lovers is possible but lovers to friends is simply against all odds..But for her, the ex bf is like her bestfriends, she laugh with him and let him followed her on twitter, ask for lunch together at some hotel, willing to have a drink with him (worst at the 1st place we've met) and to make it more worst, her ex is in every of her social network website, skype, twitter, facebook, blog and my space as well as her 2nd twitter account..Mind u, im not in her twitter or even knows what is her blog and my space email add.. I kinda felt insulted when she didnt even bother to tell me she has 2nd account for twitter n email address but she inbox the ex informing about it..I am truly not happy the way she treated me esp on "She can and i cant.." Hence the reason i am back here on LS..It just mean the pain is intolerable..Im at my limits...I know the world might called me stupid for not walking away even when she once tweet this "If i google ****, his ® face would comes out as a result.® stands for the 1st letter of me name." So yes do called me stupid and i know its wrong to let her abuse me this way but to be honest im just not ready to let her go...sigh...

 

She contacted me last night through me mom handphone and since its weekend i expect she would stay home and spent time with me on skype (as we hardly contacted nor meet each other the past 2 weeks). I expect her to missed me..The reason we hardly contacted each other is because i kinda felt sad n mad about the way she treated me..So i told her, my phone got knackered and the wireless at home goes on and off..But the fact is that, i switch off my phone and stayed away from social network...The reason for my action is that im just worried we might end up arguing again and i wanted her to know or felt whats like going to be like without me. So her called and i agree to accept the call (as im missing her somehow), the first 5 minutes was going great, i mostly kept quiet and she ask me whats wrong and complain that im not lovey dovey and she wanted to be lovey dovey with me..Even at the state i was, i agree to her request eventhough i am kinda confused on what the hell she want from me..She wants to be loved-less and now shes asking for lovey dovey..But then after 10 minutes talking, i somehow felt happy until she told me she just got back from dinner with her friends and she had 2 shots of vodka and 2 pines of beer...I immediately question myself, does she wanted to be lovey dovey because she was tipsy? And few minutes later, she ask me if she could go for clubbing tomorrow night (which is tonight) with her friends..N i couldnt say no knowing she would be mad and i felt heavey to say yes, knowing how she club (Letting her guys friends hugged her and willing to drink wotever on the table offered by them)..In the end, i told her a yes and she have my 110% permission to go out and have fun..Its ok with me, i can read and study about the places we going to for vacation..Reading about places during the weekend when my gf is partying..My mood suddenly changed soonafter, and she told me that she understand things changed recently in our relationship and its not the same anymore..I asked her based on what and she replied the way i treated her..I was furious n told her i still treated her the same way as i first met her and infact everything i had done is to love her and make her happy and most importanly for holding the relationship..I told her its the way she treated me is different from the 1st we met and the things she did is basically tearing the relationship apart...N i am the one who fixed the bridge everytime the relationship came apart and all she did was kept on destroying it..I asked her shouldnt she like help me fixing the bridge instead of destroying it..She knows i am mad but she should have assure me or comfort me..Instead this happen:

 

Her mood changed and she kept quiet and suddenly turn from lovey dovey to pure madness and rage..N when shes mad, she does not care on what she wanna say whether its gonna hurt my feelings or not..Its like placing oil on fire...It leads to argument and i could not stand the pain hence for the first time i hung up..N this is what she texted on my mom hp after i hung up; "Not a good ending ayte? Nevermind...That will last until tomorrow..I dont want to see your reply after this because whatever u send will be down the drain.." I ignored her...My god, she should have spent time with me during the weekends since we did not meet n seldom talk in 2 weeks...N she should not choose her friends over me..When one of her best mate left her out because they went partying without telling her, she cried and text me up..It was 3am in the morning and i was asleep and i woke up and call her and comfort her..But now ive told her loud and clear that i missed her so much, more than ever..She should have get the hint that i needed her at this time..But fu**sake she prefer to go out with friends and partying...N now i had switch off my phone and told my mom to switch off hers and used other number..So its been 1 day we have not contacted after the recent argument...

 

Do apologize about the longggggggggggg explanation..I know i went overboard and got carried away..Im just hurting really bad...Im tormented and torn apart...

[Seducer11]

Any time you are in a relationship, this is still ok, as long as the person you are in a relationship with is a close second

 

Didnt get what u mean by that statement mate..Mind to clarify it? Cheers

[Seducer11]

Ohhhh god..Now what should i do...She went off to a club on saturday nite (which she never agree when i invited her previously because of having church the next day) with her friends and her brother..Im not sad because she went out clubbing and decided to have fun. I told her i missed her so much before she went off to clubbing..What makes me really sad is that she didnt even text me or bother to look for me that night and normally she would text me up right before going to bed. I waited for her till 2 am because thats the normal time for every club to close in her town. I fell asleep and woke up the next day and surprise i did not receive a single msg from her.

 

Late next morning, she texted me up and apologize for not texting me up because she got back at 5am the previous morning and went straight to bed. Her reason for going home late because the brother just broke up with the gf and he dosent want to go back early..Im not dissapointed due to the fact she went home very late but i am sad that within the 7 hours she went out, i didnt even crossed her mind and she didnt even bother to ask what am i doing or how am i...I told her im dissapointed in that n guess what, she was extremely mad and started to say cruel things that i do not understand her..I couldnt take her insults and hung up on the phone and we havent talked since then...Am i guilty for knowing i didnt crossed her mind??I dont ask for much, all i need was just one single text n that would only take 5 minutes the most, where she still have 415minutes (left) out of 420minutes to have fun...Is 5 minutes too much to ask for??

[Seducer11]

Please guys, im desperate for feedback and inputs....Pls take note that i discover her ex bf picture in her digital camera last week..I told her im not happy abt it n why she have to lie to me about bumping or meeting him and sitting with him on the same table...She could have explained to me that she didnt know he was invited to the ceremony (if thats the truth) rather than to let me found out..I felt cheated n sad..N to make it worse, having those feelings of cheated n sadness, she was the one who got really pissed with me n tried to call it over..Y am i the one being blame??Y is it so easy for her to turn the table around...Isnt it me the one who saw the pic of her ex???

[Sugarkane]

Seducer- I don't how to put this. Are you allowed to:

-Dance with other women and NOT HER and then go alone with them, in a room? And on her birthday?

-Go out clubbing WITHOUT HER and don't call her at all?

- Walk all over her and then blame her for it?

- Be really close to an ex gf?

[Sugarkane]

-Put an ex gf on your camera?

 

If you call her out on her behaviours and she does nothing, what does that tell you? Why does she need to keep in contact with an ex for?

[Seducer11]

-Put an ex gf on your camera?

 

If you call her out on her behaviours and she does nothing, what does that tell you? Why does she need to keep in contact with an ex for?

 

Thanks for the reply mate, i really appreciate it..I know what she did was wrong but i dont understand wht she couldnt see it the way we're looking at it..I dont understand why she disagree with my (ours) point of view..The reason she needs to contact with the ex bf because they always been good friends...N she told me she dosent have feelings for him n vice versa..However, her action speaks a different language than her words...I really am in pain..Part of me willing to give up n let go, but theres part of me disagree with it..Esp when i think about the sweet and romantic memories we had and not to mention all my efforts and sacrifice will go to waste...

[Philosoraptor]

Trust your instincts man, this is depressing. This girl treats you badly and you can do so much better. You say you fight a ton but sometimes things are great, you sound like me. I didn't want to let go either, we were together for almost 5 years and owned a home together. Too much time spent not happy but I clung to the happy moments and held onto the thought that things could stay that way. Things ended, I was really down for a bit. Now I'm happy and on a much more consitant basis. Life is getting easier. It hurts like hell at the start but if you work on yourself things will get easier and you will find happiness. I'm rarely sad at all anymore and I'm making my dreams come true.

[Chi townD]

First off, Love the title of your thread, awesome Def Leppard song.

 

Now....DUDE!!!!! It's obvious that she doesn't have the same feelings for you that you have for her. You have been a doormat for far too long. Dude, she values parting and clubbing more than you. Do you actually believe that if she asked you if it was okay for her to go out clubbing and you said no. Do you REALLY believe that she would actually respect your wishes? HELL NO!! She would get mad and call you a control freak and she'd go out anyway. And more than likely, send you pics of her dancing with other dudes.

 

And if you think that she isn't hooking up with guys while she's out clubbing then I got waterfront property to sell you in the Mojave desert. Dude, you caught some questionable messages on her ipad! And she freaked out!!!! YOU KNOW SHE"S BEING DISHONEST!!!!

 

Dude, you sound more like the type of guy that would rather curl up with a girl on the couch; pop in a movie and share a tub of popcorn rather than being out in the clubs all the time.

 

Dude, you need to let her go. She has a lot of growing up to do. You can find better (and from the sound of her, better would only take you an hour). There are girls out there that know how to treat a guy. You need to find them. End it and go complete NC on her.

 

Now, if you do this, be prepared for big backlash. So, delete her off Facebook and don't follow her on Twitter, because she's going to blast you and you don't need to see that. Then, she'll settle down and try to reach out to you because she sounds like the type of person that is soooo into herself that she can't fathom the idea that a guy doesn't want her. Stay NC.

 

Heal and move on dude!

Edited November 30, 2011 by Chi townD

[Sugarkane]

I mean seriously what sort of person dances with their ex at their bf's birthday party and not their bf? I would never do that! And ad for being friends with an ex?what a lane excuse that is!