tattoomytoe Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 i love my bf dearly, and we have discussed marriage....and if he asks i am 80% sure i will say yes...but the 20% bothers me. we do live together. here it is: 1. he does not some of the people i hang out with cause they are :"meat heads" or guys that like sports, money, and women and make no effort to conceal that those are their quests: or they are pot heads: or republicans..... you name it...he is quick to judge others and type people with out even giving them a chance. also i tend to relate more with older persons, like past 30...not people "my age" i am 25...he is 23, his friends are around his age or just younger. 2. he is set in his opinions. meaning when we have discussion about politics, religion, cars, anything really...he tells me his views, which i am very open to new ideas and different perspectives, so i willingly and respectfully listen to his points of veiw...but if i try to voice my veiws or thought i get shot down or scoffed at cause it is either is in support of something he despises or is something he just does not agree with. ie- taking pain relief for a head ache, tooth ache, any ache...he will not do, he does not like to take meds....me i am of the school of no pain...why should i suffer when there are treatments. 3. he holds grudges, and makes me feel bad when i do something like not call when i say i will or go out with out him...like this week end- i went to a pig roast- hosted by some of the meatheads, that my sisiter and i work with and who i have known for years....listened to country music, watched nascar, smoke cigs....all this stuff that he hates, so i didi not invite him to come PLUS it was not my place to invite him. he didn't see it like that, i apparently just didn't want him to come, i didn't call. so the next day we were going to his friends, and he was like i am leaving at 7:30 with or with out you so be ready, then said something like teah well at least i invited you... he did apologize later on...but iwas so pissed i just wished i hadn't gone cause he was making me feel like a ****ty person, because i didn't invite him to make snide remarks at people that are my friends! 4. the whole snide little remarks that make me feel bad...and he knows it really bothers me. And we have talked about this before...so it is not like he does not know that it bothers me when he says rude things about my friends, opinions, music, basically things that i think make me an individual. sometimes i think it is the age difference...cause i have changed a lot since i was 23..yeah it is only two years...but i think a lot of life changes happen after you move out of you parents home-which he just did, and have actual responsibilities.....maybe it is wishful thinking. any suggestions or comments about any this? Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 Never count on anyone changing their ways. Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 I would kind of like to hear what's good about him!! Or what is the reason you are with him because based on what you say he does, I can't really find a redeeming factor in your being in a relationship with this dude....your 20% of why not would be 80% of why not in my book! He sounds controlling and insecure. Alot of people mistake the way he handles opposition and opinion with being confident but the reality is, it's usually the opposite. He isn't confident so if someone differs from him in any way, he doesn't know how to handle it (even feels threatened) and so responds with insults and indifference.... He also seems a bit of a snob....that's not cool....we may not act a certain way because we deem it tacky but we should never be unkind or unfriendly to people for that reason..... You don't want to marry someone like this, it's not even good to date a person like this....when someone tears down everything that you do outside them, you lose who you are. You end up keeping what you are about and believe, quiet while losing a part of yourself every second of the day. Plus, it's not going to stop at things on the outside of you (friends, beliefs and politics) when you have a problem in your marriage and there are some things you don't want to do, disagree with or need that he doesn't deem necessary, you are never going to get those things. You will be stuck in a pattern of what he wants, how not to make him angry or unhappy.....I don't see how you have any self esteem right now.....there will be NONE left after being married to him.... If you just can't live without him or if he could lighten up to the point that you could be 100% sure.....then I would pursue counseling and get this ALL straightened out before you even considered walking the aisle and vowing your life to him.... Good luck!! I hope you can reach that 100% with the one you love but just don't compromise your needs and who you are! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 You sound like polar opposites. While it is true that people can change, narrow-mindedness and controlling behaviour aren't as likely to change as other types of behaviours. I wouldn't for one moment even consider going out with a person like your bf; narrow-mindedness and grudge-holding are HUGE red flags for me. If you were similar to him in these respects, you'd be a good pair, but you're not even close. IMHO, marriage would be a disaster. I, too, would be interested to know what kinds of good points could possibly outweigh these very negative traits in your eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 hmm, interesting you have a problem with him not liking meatheads...I don't like meatheads and go out of my way to avoid them...shudder. Imagine his "youth" equates to his civility. I'm am 31 btw...just turned , hehe point 2...he should learn to be more objective. But this has maybe roots in other parts of the relationship...read on point 3...I actually agree with him on, though partially...I am one to observe action and react but do so silently. If someone assumedly is involved with me but does things enough times that don't involve me, the relationship will only dissolve because it's only common sense. It's complicated . So, let's get this straight, it looks like you went to this event and never even communicated with him anything about it until after. Even if my mate didn't like the scene I was going to I would tell them, "hey, I've been invited to this thing and want to go, but I'm sure you wouldn't enjoy it. If you think you would I'll ask if you can come." Some things you do should signal to you what they mean. So you say it wasn't your place to invite him, but did you inquire for him? I know I would if I had someone...that's just me of course. ***going back to point 2...maybe he's closed minded because of things like this? Have you put yourself in his shoes and replayed point 3 in your head? What if you were him? Yeah, the whole snide remarks thing gets to me too but it just seems like they are NOT unwarranted. It just looks like he's being dissed and reacting accordingly. I'm not sure if he's controlling or a snob but he is a bit narrow minded. But you seem too opposite for him to be the one. You seem to be drawn to an uncivilized lot, which he doesn't look to belong in...is this statement true? -"meat heads" or guys that like sports, money, and women and make no effort to conceal that those are their quests- is that his judgement of those you hang with or is it just his title but that is who they are? I mean, I for one wouldn't go out with a woman who hung with that crowd for the obvious reason that I am not of that crowd hence she wouldn't be interested in someone opposite. I don't know...no sleep, eh Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattoomytoe Posted May 24, 2004 Author Share Posted May 24, 2004 i do love him. and i have been trying to write a good defense for him for like 30 min, but i keep coming up with double standards that he has set for me. and a great deal of our disputes come from the fact that i like to smoke pot, and he hates it. a lot of my friends smoke too, like some meat heads-but not all. But just about all his friends smoke too, i even met him while i was smoking....so it's not like it was ever a new thing. and he smoked when he was 14...so he has done it too. But it is a subject that we do not discuss because there is no good justified reason to anyone should smoke, but that is the same as drinking, and cigarretes except those are not illegal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tattoomytoe Posted May 24, 2004 Author Share Posted May 24, 2004 dude- in reply about point 2. i found out that day by my sister. The meatheads are, a great guy i and my sisiters work with that likes my older sisiter, and is like my brother, the other meathead is joey’s bro, and big pun, and his little brothers. So these are the guys that I play cards with, and drink with….and would no way be attracted to. He has met them and he made the judgement that he does not like them. I told him before I went where I was going and who would be there that I knew. So he knew, and he said well call me later, I may want to come. Well I did not really want him to come. I like to do things by myself or with my sister, especially when I know he will not want to be there. Link to post Share on other sites
mywife'smanalways Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 I would advise you to run like the wind. You are not yet married to this person, and he sound to me like an extremely self-indulgent, overgrown adolescent. I see no indication in anything that you said that he is at all ready for a marriage relationship. I truly hate to sound pessimistic, but if after trying some counseling (both of you together) he is still behaving in the same fashion, then run -don't walk- away as fast as you can. I can imagine few things worse than trying to build/maintain a marriage relationship under such circumstances, much less the thought of bringing CHILDREN into such a situation. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 I wonder why people keep asking "Is he the one?" and "Should I marry him/her?" I think that if you have to question these things, then something is out of place. I would tend to think that if someone was "the one" you would know and have no doubt about it! Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 Is his name Neo (er, Thomas)? I think this is a question you should be asking yourself. Like faux posted above, if you don't know he's THE ONE, then he probably isn't. It does seem like you two are total opposites from your post. Not helpful? I'm sorry. Best of luck. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts