princess rose Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 Good afternoon everyone: I found this site quite by accident, and it seems pretty useful and unique. This is my very first day and post here (hold your applause), and I have a topic I'm interested in discussing. This may get long and confusing, so bear with me. I have an ex, who I'm still friends with, who I'm terribly concerned for. Aside from my personal feelings, from which I'm starting to recover, I worry about this man's mental health. He dated a girl for a year in the 8th or 9th grade, and things didn't work out and she left. Ever since that time, he has not been able to maintain any meaningful relationships, and as a result of trying to drink away his sorrow, he has been in and out of the correctional system for the past four years. Our breakup was recent after a 4-year relationship, and I have decided that I don't want to deal with him. However, I still harbor care and concern from a distance. He recently told me that he knows he messed up with her and he wants her back so badly that he's willing to do anything, regardless of the fact that she hasn't spoken to him in at least 4 years. The last conversation I had with him made me realize that he might actually be mentally ill, even if only in a minor way. Upon saying he was gonna once again pursue this girl, I asked him if he was sure she was still waiting for him after all this time. He said that when they last spoke four or five years ago, she said that she thought he was unstable, and even though that wasn't an explicit way of saying she was waiting for him, that it must've been her way of saying get it together so that she'd come back. She's gone on to college, and he's sitting in a jail cell trying to get his GED, and a house and car so she'll come back to him. I readily admit I'm jealous, because despite all his troubles, he's a good person (Another cliche, geez!), but I'm also terribly concerned about how he'll cope in the world in general if he's unable to detach himself from things when they don't go his way. Please feel free to share advice, comments, numbers to shrinks offices, etc. I'm mostly just trying to vent, because talking about situations is the best way to cope with them and get over them. Thanks for your patience. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 I think you need to realize that you are not responsible for anything he does. If he doesn't seek help himself, he won't benefit from it because he won't make the effort. I think you are better off just cutting off all contact with this guy - how can it add to anything in your life? If you help him and it works all you will do is make him dependent on you. You need to do what's best for you and draw the line. He has access to plenty of resources if he wants to find them - all he has to do is ask somebody. Has he asked you? If he does, tell him to ask someone else, like his correctional officer or someone. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 Originally posted by princess rose He dated a girl for a year in the 8th or 9th grade, and things didn't work out and she left. Ever since that time, he has not been able to maintain any meaningful relationships, and as a result of trying to drink away his sorrow, he has been in and out of the correctional system for the past four years. Drinking cannot be blamed on something such as him messing up in an old relationship. He drinks because he has a problem, and for no other reason. Making excuses to justify drinking only makes things worse. Being in and out of correctional facilities speaks a lot about this guy. A lot of people would say "Gee. You sure know how to pick them." in response to this. Our breakup was recent after a 4-year relationship, and I have decided that I don't want to deal with him. However, I still harbor care and concern from a distance Keep it at a distance. Four years with someone like that must have been very rough. From what I have read so far, I might recommend you indeed NOT deal with him. He recently told me that he knows he messed up with her and he wants her back so badly that he's willing to do anything, regardless of the fact that she hasn't spoken to him in at least 4 years. That sounds very nuts to me. He is obsessing over someone from four years ago, drinks, and spends time getting into trouble. Big trouble, I can tell you. The last conversation I had with him made me realize that he might actually be mentally ill, even if only in a minor way. Upon saying he was gonna once again pursue this girl, I asked him if he was sure she was still waiting for him after all this time. He said that when they last spoke four or five years ago, she said that she thought he was unstable, and even though that wasn't an explicit way of saying she was waiting for him, that it must've been her way of saying get it together so that she'd come back. Read that over and you tell me if that makes any bit of sense. His ideas about this situation seem quite erratic, and scary. It definitely does sound as though this guy is unstable. He can go and take care of himself and his own problems if he wants to. Him possibly being mentally ill is not your problem. She's gone on to college, and he's sitting in a jail cell trying to get his GED, and a house and car so she'll come back to him. I readily admit I'm jealous, because despite all his troubles, he's a good person (Another cliche, geez!) He sounds delusional. I cannot understand how you could be jealous. From reading about his problems, he might have the capacity to be a good person, but if he were a good person I do not believe he would be in so much trouble. Why you would continue to associate with someone like this is also beyond me. , but I'm also terribly concerned about how he'll cope in the world in general if he's unable to detach himself from things when they don't go his way. Please feel free to share advice, comments, numbers to shrinks offices, etc. I'm mostly just trying to vent, because talking about situations is the best way to cope with them and get over them. Thanks for your patience. I think it would be best to disassociate yourself from this guy. He is obviously problematic, gets in trouble with the law, and at present is in jail as you stated. Why oh WHY do you associate with someone like this? His problems are not your problems. He is responsible for his own actions and choices, not you or anyone else. It is not your business to help him, as if he wants help he can get it himself. I recommend you stop talking to the guy, and let him handle things in his own interesting and delusional ways. Distancing yourself from this would probably be best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess rose Posted May 25, 2004 Author Share Posted May 25, 2004 Thanks for your responses everyone. I woulkd like to clarify that the part about finding a shrink was meant to be a joke about mfe, but I forgot to type that when I was posting. I don't have any interest in babysitting a man who's almost 24 years old with the types of issues he has. Hopefully, he'll humble himself enough to get psychological counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
colleen26 Posted May 25, 2004 Share Posted May 25, 2004 I can help only by saying I understand your concern however it is not up to you. I have a brother my absolute best friend that sounds just like this I mean to a damn T, but at some point I had to realize that I am not his care taker and work on my own personal issues. My brother has even attempted suicide so I know the pain but trust me you can not fix this man. My brother is currently in a facility I understand but you can only offer help for so long hun, you are NOT HIS CARE TAKER. He probably has more issues then her, he if like my brother has drinking issues, depression issues etc. he most likely needs meds but is in denail. The part I love to hate is my brother says medication yeah and be a fake person but is that any more fake then being drunk and trying to cope? It is not fake but they are in there own world when it comes to perspectives. Let him look this girl up, it will either hurt him, be good for him or maybe make him grow up and make changes. It is in the hand of cards he wants to play so let it happen and you can continue being his friend however STOP BEING HIS CARE TAKER. He has to care enough about him self first, your love will not protect him. Let me know if you would like to talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess rose Posted May 26, 2004 Author Share Posted May 26, 2004 Hi Colleen26: Princess Rose here. I would interested in talking more about this. Sorry, I don't see a PM for you, do you have e-mail? Anyway, hope to hear from you soon. Link to post Share on other sites
colleen26 Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 You are more then welcome to email me Moderator's Note: Posting email addresses is not allowed on this forum! Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess rose Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Well Ladies and Gentlemen, I've decided my ex needs to be taken away in a white van to the nearest padded room. Here's why: I wrote him a letter telling him that I thought he should purge his thoughts of this long-ago girl for his own good. I went to a visit to tell him the letter was coming, so he wouldn't be shocked and surprised when he got it. I urged him to at least read it, even if he didn't agree with what it said. He told me he probably wouldn't read it. Well, I guess he read it and didn't like what the letter had to say, because he gave my address to his best friend in his cellblock and I got that man's letter in the mail a couple weeks ago. I'm sure he did it to get rid of me, so he could pursue this girl he's obsessed with. While I was at the visit, (before any further letters had been exchanged) he told me that our relationship had been a waste of time because I didn't drive, and still lived with my family. Mind you, he's saying this from behind a panel of glass at a freakin' jail. I'm not asking for advice, I'm just venting. I am embarrased and somewhat ashamed I allowed myself to be in a relationship with this sick man. But, I guess I was a different person back then, with no self-esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Just one other thought- Do you know this girl he seems so obsessed with? It may be in her best interest to receive a heads up that this guy is contemplating contacting her. From what you said, I doubt she's been dreaming of the day he'll come and claim her. If he's this unstable that could turn into a very bad scene. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess rose Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 I don't know her well, but I've met her. She seems to be a very well-adjusted girl. College grad and everything. Cultured, ambitious, what-not. I think she already knows he's after her. He wrote her a letter once during one of his multiple incarcerations, saying he loved her, he was sorry for whatever he did, etc. She was in Japan at the time for school studies (She's half Japanese). Anyway, he's also tried to call her, and it doesn't seem she's eager to talk to him. I'm glad I'm not her, though. How stressful it must be to have to deal with an alcoholic, ex-con ex-boyfriend who won't let you go. WHOA!! Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Very creepy! If you know any way to contact her I'd touch base and let her know the extent of his fixation. She may be under the impression he gets drunk and lonely every blue moon and is just a repulsive annoyance. This seems to go deeper though and you may want to make sure she knows your opinion. If, God forbid, this nut starts trying to unravel her life; you would feel horrible for not giving her fair notice. I'm an overly trusting person who finds this behavior VERY suspicious- nothing good can come of an obsession like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess rose Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Hey Fayebelle: How ya doin'? It's hot and humid here, it being late June and all. I think I'm gonna melt into a puddle. Anyway, I thought about calling that girl, but I really don't know her, so it would be odd of me to call and go through all this with her. He's spent the last few years in and out of county jail and prison, so he's not really around that much to annoy her, but I guess with all that free time he has in there, his brain goes into high gear, and he thinks about her. He doesn't really stalk her or anything that I know of, but every once in awhile, he'll call her or ask about her. It's just strange to me that he won't let her go. He really wants to believe she still loves him, and will come back if he just stops drinking, goes back to school and finds stable employment. How sad. I think he'd be ok if he got therapy and medication, but that ain't my problem. I told my therapist about all this, and she actually said this guy was "doomed" if he didn't get counseling and medication. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 No doubt the weather sucks! Ya'll got rain yet? T-storms headed thru Central MD are about to land and I can't wait! Cool this place down Pleeeze! Anyway- Your therapist did not get to be a Doc for no reason. Be glad your done w/him and just drop the other chick a note if he gets too Hooboo-Jeebyish. What's he in jail for if you don't mind my asking? I'd guess drugs from your discription but I was just wondering if he's ever shown any violent tendencies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess rose Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Do you live in Central MD? I live in Upper Montgomery County, suburban angst, baby! Haha! Anyway, yeah, it rained for about a week and a half a couple weeks ago. It's now raining as I type this, thank goodness. My ex is in (this time), for probation violation, because he can't (or won't) stop drinking, and he does stupid stuff when he's drunk. The first time he went to jail was for 6 months for breaking and entering, then prison for 18 months for grand larceny for breaking into a Popeye's chicken to eat when he was drunk, then back to prison for 10 months for violation of probation, and now back in to county jail for 4 months for violation of probation. As I type all this, I wonder why the hell I was in love with this guy?! Geez, I must've been desparate. Oh well, you live and you learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Sent you a PM about the first part- Breaking and entering - dumb stuff when drunk - yeah he's a prize you're better off leaving at the booth! At least stalking isn't on his list...YET. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess rose Posted June 25, 2004 Author Share Posted June 25, 2004 Well, My ex has come sniffin' back. He wrote me a letter the other day, wondering why I stopped writing to him. He said that just because we aren't together anymore was no reason for me to stop talking to him. WTF! You gotta be kiddin' me! Anyway, I'm ignoring him and his psycho games. Just needed to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
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