I'm in love with another man

[mistie]

Well not sure what to do should i listen to my heart or my head? I have been married for 8 years 2 girls ages 5 and 7 I have been with my husband since i was 17 years old he is 7-years older then me now i am 28 and he is 36.

 

About 4 years ago i started to see one of my friends husband it was a lot of sex we where together for 2 years until are spouses found out then we broke it off. Then about 8-months ago i made a call to him and we have been seeing each other again. Me and his wife just totally hate each other can't even look at each other. Well any ways it is totally different now we love each other it is so much more then before he is willing to leave his wife for me and i want to be with him to, he has 4-children not happy in his marriage all they do is fight.

 

We make up excuses to see each other go out of town to meet and have fun. if there is such a thing we feel like soul mates. He doesn't judge anything i say always stands behind me no matter what.

 

For me and my husband it feels like we are more roommates never go and do things together, unless if he wants to go fishing, we split the bills he pays half and i pay half he has his money i have mine i don't love him anymore he says he loves me and wants to stay married for are children and willing to give up thing for me. But i just don't feel in love with him anymore i have tried to get it back for him but i love some one else. Should i follow my heart or do what my head tells me to do. which is stay with my husband for the children and like every thing is great and still see this guy behind every ones back.

 

All my life i have done the right thing to save other people pain how can i make myself happy with out hurting everyone else?

[The_Analyzer]

Hi, I'm sorry you're hurting. However, I don't really know what you can do to not cause anyone else some pain. I think you should have thought of that before you and him did this. If you were that miserable in your marriage and he was in his. You all could have maybe gotten out of the marriages before this happened. Maybe thats easier said than done, I don't know. Just seems logical to me. However I guess when people are in these situations you don't think logically about things until its to late.

 

Another thing to think about to, is the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I know it may appear like that right now but if you can cheat and he can cheat then what makes you think it wont happen again? You cheating on him or him on you. I'm not saying stay in your marriage if you're miserable by no means, but i don't know what to tell you as far as you wondering how to not cause anymore pain. Also remember, What goes around comes around. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

[anonymous]

Sounds to me like your husband and your lover's wife should be the one's reporting how miserable their marriages are. PUL-LEASE. I hope your husband does you a favor: kicks you to the curb and gives you a cold hard dose of reality. Realize this: You create your own unhappiness. What's worse: You create unhappiness for the most important people in your life -- your spouse and kids.

[leilab]

My story is the same as yours - read my thread. Married with two kids and got re-involved with MM who has 4 kids. We loved each other, soul mates, blah, blah, blah................... He actually called me after 8 years because he "still carried me in his heart".

 

I am in the process of divorce. He however, after telling his wife that he wants a divorce, realized that he is still in love with his wife. Boy, couldn't he have figured that out a long time ago? Or at least before EVERYONE involved got destroyed?? His answer is that he WANTED to work things out in his marriage.

 

What is really perturbing is that he would cry (literally) to me about how he did not want anybody to get hurt, and that he suffered great guilt over his previous divorce which affected his kids. Where is he now when my kids and I need him most? No where to be found.

 

He informed me via a phone call - and I have not heard from him since then (2 1/2 months).

 

What I am trying to say is that the damage and the pain that will come out of this, is way down the road for you. If you at all can take care of the issue at hand (divorce for both of you) and then resume the relationship.

 

I cannot tell you how I have gone from being unhappy in my marriage, to soooooooooo happy with my MM, and now totally destroyed. Unhappy was way preferable to how I feel now, or my husband, or my kids, or his wife. Just probably not him - he got what he WANTED.

 

The only thing that I have taken away from this is my decision that I cannot continue my marriage. What I felt for my MM is what I want in my life. And I guess I will try, and try again ONCE I AM SINGLE. But not before.

[befuddled11]

So let me recap here.

 

You've been married for 8 years, you've got 2 small children.

 

4 years into your marriage you began screwing around with your "friend's" husband (with friends like that, who needs enemies)...and you and him screwed around for 2 years until you both got busted.

 

His wife hates you, surely you can understand why?

 

He's got *4* kids. Wow, for someone who's so miserable in his marriage he's had no problems helping to bring more children into the world. At least we know they've had an active sex life, hey?

 

So now here we are.......you're stating the same tired ol' lame excuses for not being happy in your marriage and you want to make a life with your "soul mate."

 

What the hell kind of role models are you and he? You have 6 innocent children between the two of you.......and this is the kind of relationship example you're showing them? Shameful.

 

What is with you people who cry "my marriage is no good, I'm not in love"...why don't you darn well just GET A DIVORCE if it's so rotten. But wait......that's not such a good idea when hubby's helping to put a nice roof over your head and all that, hey?

[zoomer]

I have to agree with these Harsh responses! They are REALITY! You are living in a dreamland. Unfortunately you lost all morals and respect for yourself. Your children...all of them...his included, your family (parents, grandparents, siblings, etc.,) his family, friends, and anyone else you know will be destroyed by your selfish actions.... I could go on and on...but seems pointless because you have already shown your character. Thank God you were never my friend. Wisen up and Grow Up!

 

The grass is not greener on the other side. When you have this Jerk .... Mr. Perfect may not be so perfect any more, sex will slack, etc., what are you gonna do then, find another friend???? You won't have any left.

[b4]

Originally posted by mistie

Well not sure what to do should i listen to my heart or my head?

 

Your heart is playing games with your head.

 

Seek counseling, therapy, or whatever it takes, before you destroy your life and your childrens'.

 

Been there, done that, got the other man ... and wish I had the first one back! Mr. Perfect is far from it and I lost the one who truly loved me. I got what I deserved and you will too if you continue on.

 

No matter what he tells you and no matter what you think. The ex-wife, ex-husband, can make your life a living nightmare and from the way it sounds ... they will. I too, had to be with the "soul-mate" HAAHAAHAA!!! I lost my soul-mate but I was just too stupid to know that until it was too late.

 

Maybe, just maybe, you will wisen up and see that all is not what it seems.

 

I wish you luck, you're gonna need it.

[Karlise13]

Unfortunately, many people confuse the excitement of an affair with 'passion'

 

They are convinced they have found their 'soul mate' and are willing to risk other people's feelings and justify their behavior to pursue this 'true love'

 

People are being a bit harsh with you, but please listen to the voices of experience.

 

What you are grooving on is the thrill of something illicit....not true love.

 

You two are caught up in the excitement of sneaking around, lying to your spouses, shacking up in cheap (or expensive) motel rooms, or whatever it is you're doing. You're playing the roles of forbidden fruit.....mmmm, so much tastier than the humdrum existance at home!

 

I guarantee if he left his wife and you two got married, you'd end up with the same problems you left in your present marriage.

 

He obviously can find ways to justify lying and cheating on his family. Eventually, he'll lie and cheat with you.

That's just reality.

[amyagain]

I can't believe what I am reading... All this negative talk about you being selfish and how your relationship will end up in another tragedy. It's a good thing most people don't think like this because almost all 2nd happy ending marriages would not happen. Here's a reality check for you. Many people DO make a mistake in their 2st marriages and find LOVE in another person, which IS lasting. It's called MOST RELATIONSHIPS. True, divorce is not desirable. True, children are affected by divorce. But lets get something clear... Staying in this marriage is not an option if you are not in love, don't find fulfillment etc.. Your husband should be blamed for not making you feel loved. Your husband simply could not keep your love for him alive, because I don't believe you woudl have looked elsewhere if you had felt loved in this marriage. Even if you just simply fell in love with someone else, there is no shame in that. These things happen. You are not selfish for considering an option that involves you being loved by someone who you also love. You know what kind of role model you will be for your children ? You will teach your children a cold hard truth which will come in handy for them: Love lasts only if you work on it. Secondly, sometimes love ends and it's okey. There are worst things in life then to perpetuate some societal utopian idea that all families stay together forever. The important thing is that you enjoy and appreciate and savor every good thing in life. Love is a good thing. Your relationship with the other man was not all about sex, it was about fulfillment. You deserve to feel fulfillment in your life no matter what these moralist self-important moral guidance counselors think... I don't think you will do any good by staying in a marriage when you clearly love someone else. If anything, it is the UNSELFISH thing to do, by letting your husband go so that he may also find someone who loves him. I hope I have been helping. I just don't want you to think that everyone is like these posters who believe you deserve to a big letter on your forehead for the rest of your life because you fell out of love with your husband and is looking for fulfillment in another relationship. Just remember, everyone deserves to be HAPPY. If you want to think about your children, think of this. Don't you want them to also grow up to be people who look for happiness without having society limiting them ? That's what you'll be teaching them- to be themselves and to seek happiness and fulfillment. Good luck, and remember, all you can do is do your best with what you know and have at the time. You'll be fine. There are many many married couples who were once in your shoes and who are not happy.

[Linlin]

Quote "If anything, it is the UNSELFISH thing to do, by letting your husband go so that he may also find someone who loves him."

 

Umm.... if you can read.... she hasn't let him go, she and her MM are SNEAKING around behind everyone's back.

 

They haven't given their partners choices to work on it or leave. They are deceiving them.

 

She has been cheating, there is no way now to save everyone's pain. You put yourself right in it when you decided to cheat.

[Karlise13]

I don't see how a healthy relationship is one that starts with deceit, lying and sneaking around.

 

If this is true love, why don't they end their marriages?

 

Pleeeaase....give us a break!

[dazednconfused]

Amyagain,

 

I just read your post and have to ask: ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

 

Unless one member or the other is being abused, there is no excuse for divorce. Period. Yes I consider infidelity abuse.

 

"Your husband should be blamed for not making you feel loved. Your husband simply could not keep your love for him alive"

What a load of crap. People who want to have a affair will actually convince each other that they are unhappy so they can justify what they do. It sounds to me like her husband is making an honest attempt, but she will have none of it.

 

"Love lasts only if you work on it"

WOW. Very profound form someone who advocates bailing on the original commitment for a chance at something else.

 

"Don't you want them <your children> to also grow up to be people who look for happiness without having society limiting them ? That's what you'll be teaching them- to be themselves and to seek happiness and fulfillment."

Dahmer and Manson sure didn't let society limit them to what made them happy either. Not to make the comparison, but jeeeeeeeeeez, you are advocating quite possibly the most selfish policy toward life that I have ever seen.

 

Amy you and your adulterous lover (apparently now married partner) have done a great job of brainwashing yourselves to justify what you did to your previous relationships. I am truly impressed.

 

A marriage is a partnership; in my vows it said 'For Better or for Worse' and 'Forsaking all Others'; my vows did not say 'Unless I find something better' or ' As long as she doesn't tick me off' it especially did not say that my happiness is the responsibility of my wife to make happen.