Boyfriend Works A Lot - How Do I Get Over It?

[AngAnt]

My boyfriend and I just graduated from law school. He just started working at a big firm in NYC 3 weeks ago and has been leaving home (we live together) at 7:30 a.m. (because he's a morning person) and getting home around 8:30 p.m. Most of the people at the firm get there after 9:30 a.m. and stay really late (his officemate just stayed until 2:00 a.m., for example), so he feels pressure to stay late in addition to his wanting to go in early. I am still looking for a real job, but got a seasonal sales associate job to help pay off my student loans and to have something to do while he's working (plus it's a few evenings a week and Sundays so he can feel not so guilty about working late).

 

I'm doing the best I can to stay busy and I really don't want to add anymore to my plate because I think I have enough to do as it is. BUT...how do I deal with him having such unpredictable hours and feeling pressure to stay even later than what he does? I've read numerous websites with people who have the same problem and people respond with "find a hobby, hang out with friends, etc." My problem is that no matter what I do while he's gone, when he comes home I can't seem to make the most of that time. I'm just so bitter that I'm only getting to spend a couple hours with him everyday (last night was about 30 minutes because I worked until 11:15) where one or both of us is exhausted, that I can't enjoy those few hours. We communicate via email or text throughout the day, but that’s not very satisfying to me. I'm doing the best I can, but every few days I just get really down about not seeing him much.

 

I want him to be successful in his career (for his own satisfaction, not for the money), but I also never wanted a relationship where I would spend such limited time with my partner. This situation is not going to change for quite awhile (if ever, since we both want kids and kids are almost akin to having another job), so I need to learn to live with it and accept it. I just need to know how to actually DO that. I feel like I’ve already lowered my expectations so much that to lower them any further just means that I’m settling. (He’s a good man who only wants to do the best he can to secure a future for us and I obviously don’t fault him for that. It’s the lifestyle part that bothers me, not him.)

[norajane]

I need to learn to live with it and accept it. I just need to know how to actually DO that.

Yes, you absolutely do. Getting a law career off the ground guarantees years of long hours, period. The large firms do not pay those salaries without having high expectations. Associates have to do the grunt work, work long hours, and be available - that's just how it is, and I'm sure you must have learned that at some point while in law school. This cannot be a surprise.

 

How do you DO it. First comes acceptance. You KNOW this is how it is, and stop struggling against it because it will not change.

 

So instead of letting yourself dive into misery, you have to make the most of the time you do have together. That means Scheduling the hell out of your life to make time together and to keep that time sacred. So, plan a day a week where both of you will for sure be home and turn everything else off or go out on a date. Date night, couples call it. Make date night a priority, just like your other priorities.

 

The rest is all about kindness. Yes, his hours inconvenience you, but HE is working them so please be kind to him instead of annoyed with him about it. He is investing in your future as a couple and as parents. So do nice things for him that will ease his time at home. Take care of certain things so he doesn't have to and can have more time with you when he is home. Show him you appreciate him. I'm sure he will follow suit and do the same for you.

 

And appreciate what you have. You at least get him home every night; you share a bed with him every night; you get to kiss him every day. Lots of people in consulting and sales only see their spouses on weekends, and somehow they manage to raise families and stay happy. Ask ER docs and nurses and police and firefighters and factory workers how often they get to see their loved ones and whether they are tired when they do. Lots of people in blue collar or low paying jobs have to work split shifts with their spouses or take on two jobs and never see each other, and yet they also manage to raise families PLUS having to always, always, always worry about money and health insurance. You are luckier than many, many people

Edited November 18, 2011 by norajane