Bethalee Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 One of my closest friends cheated on her husband. The first time it happened I was a little in shock. I didn't place any judgements and kept my thoughts to myself. This happened a couple times with a man we both know. Then she attempted it with one of our close male friends and I was a little miffed. He turned her down though. But I thought "how could she do this? Her husband is such a sweet, awesome guy" ...... wrong I spend a lot of time with this couple and I am very similar to her husband. We get along very well. I started to become closer to the husband than I was to her even though I knew her first. One night after a dinner party which included far more alcohol than it should have, the husband tells me he wishes he was with me. He tells me he doesn't know what he is doing with his wife and he wishes he had met me before they had married. This totally freaked me out! I figured I could never be friends with either of these people ever again and they've both put me into a very awkward situation! I decided to distance myself from them but it was hard because I loved both of them so much. The husband and I had a talk and cleared the air. We decided to continue with our friendship and forget what happened but it didn't turn out that way. We ended up in situations where we were spending even more time together than before and I started having feelings for him. I couldn't help it. Hes like my perfect other half but I didn't act on my feelings. One night he kisses me. Stupid stupid stupid. This was about a month ago. We still spend a lot of time together and text/e-mail constantly but I told him this can't happen. We cannot have a physical relationship. His wife is my friend. I don't know what to do but I feel as though I am falling in love with this man. We are involved in some crazy emotional affair. I guess I just need someone to tell me I am an idiot and knock some sense into me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bethalee Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 I'm not asking for your sympathy Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I guess I just need someone to tell me I am an idiot and knock some sense into me. Would it really help you any for me to repeat that? It's not uncommon for A's to start this way - rejecting him/her outright at first, becoming friends, getting closer, talking about not having an A, struggling with yourself over it... I think you know that if you keep spending time with him, in all likelihood, you will end up in an A with him. Your choices are to completely stay away from him, or give in the the reality that you'll end up in an A. There really is no middle ground here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bethalee Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Ok, so I guess I need advice on how to end two friendships with people who play a major role in my life without explaining to one of them why I am extracting myself from their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 One of my closest friends cheated on her husband. The first time it happened I was a little in shock. I didn't place any judgements and kept my thoughts to myself. This happened a couple times with a man we both know. Then she attempted it with one of our close male friends and I was a little miffed. He turned her down though. But I thought "how could she do this? Her husband is such a sweet, awesome guy" ...... wrong I spend a lot of time with this couple and I am very similar to her husband. We get along very well. I started to become closer to the husband than I was to her even though I knew her first. One night after a dinner party which included far more alcohol than it should have, the husband tells me he wishes he was with me. He tells me he doesn't know what he is doing with his wife and he wishes he had met me before they had married. This totally freaked me out! I figured I could never be friends with either of these people ever again and they've both put me into a very awkward situation! I decided to distance myself from them but it was hard because I loved both of them so much. The husband and I had a talk and cleared the air. We decided to continue with our friendship and forget what happened but it didn't turn out that way. We ended up in situations where we were spending even more time together than before and I started having feelings for him. I couldn't help it. Hes like my perfect other half but I didn't act on my feelings. One night he kisses me. Stupid stupid stupid. This was about a month ago. We still spend a lot of time together and text/e-mail constantly but I told him this can't happen. We cannot have a physical relationship. His wife is my friend. I don't know what to do but I feel as though I am falling in love with this man. We are involved in some crazy emotional affair. I guess I just need someone to tell me I am an idiot and knock some sense into me. Your initial response to not be friends with either of them as they've both put you in an awkward position was the smart choice... You said you thought the husband was perfect...realized you were wrong....decided not to be friends with either of them....now you're falling in love. Please step back from this situation and think about that trajectory. I personally am not close with any of my friends' significant others. I know them because we've been introduced and we hang out in a group...but I do set up boundaries and I just can't even imagine all of a sudden becoming bestfriends with a friend's husband. Also, none of my boyfriends have been close friends with my friends. I think this triangulated scenarios shows loose boundaries on everyone's part. I do think that if one is friends with a couple one HAS to be conscious of one's interactions and not put one's self in awkward scenarios....I don't think you did a good job of that, esp with becoming closer to him than your friend. You say he is not as amazing as you thought...don't know how that changed to this situation you have now we're he's now perfect again. He's not. Him and his wife are both in a hot mess and you've added yourself to it. I think you should stop texting/calling etc and stop pretending to be friends and leave these people alone to sort out their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Ok, so I guess I need advice on how to end two friendships with people who play a major role in my life without explaining to one of them why I am extracting myself from their lives. You get busy. You go on dates with (single and available) men, you focus on your own life, detach and see them less and less. Be with other friends, your family, work friends, neighbours etc.. You don't have to disappear immediately out of their lives, but you can and should put distance and detachment there. It's just part of the consquences of your choice to let yourself fall for him. You seemed so adament about NOT getting involved with him, so strong and sure, and then after clearing the air, you allowed yourself to get close and become attached. Why? Even more so knowing that these two people were your friends? Take time to focus on YOU and your choices recently. Anyway, I'm sure she will just think "oh Beth isn't talking to me much because of my affair(s)" and he will think "oh Beth isn't talking to me much anymore because we crossed the line" I don't think it'll be as hard or confusing as you're making it out to be. Make a decision and stick to it. Otherwise you're going to lose yourself in this mess if you stay in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Ok, so I guess I need advice on how to end two friendships with people who play a major role in my life without explaining to one of them why I am extracting myself from their lives. You can tell him the truth.... If you don't want to tell her her the truth, then tell her something else. In any case, something tells me that these people aren't that great of "friends" to you or you them to begin with. It just seems like it was the perfect storm coming together. Link to post Share on other sites
despicableME Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I guess I just need someone to tell me I am an idiot and knock some sense into me. O.K... you're an IDIOT... now knock it the F@#$ off and don't hang around these toxic people. They are compromising your values and moral standards-- STAY AWAY from them! Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 What I find so sad in all these cheating situations, is the lack of honesty and accountability. Cheating is usually a result of something not working in the relationship. So, why not confront that and deal with it or end the relationship and let the each person find someone who will be committed and monogamous. Fish or cut bait, in other words. If I were you, I would confront both of your friends and tell them to either put up and keep to themselves, or leave the marriage. And then I would disappear from these people's lives because they are messed up and they are dragging you into it. Trust me, you will feel better after you turn your back on this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 I'd say that disaster for this situation is a HUGE understatement..... OP, if you can sit back for a minute and try to see from an outsider's point of view....... What kind of man chooses his W's close friend as a potential affair partner? It's SOOOO far below the belt--the pain that comes from a double betrayal can affect a person's ability to trust for life. Whether or not she *deserves* it (are you thinking that in the back of your mind, just a bit, maybe?)---It's such an incredibly toxic thing to do-- I almost wonder if maybe he's pursuing you to "teach her a lesson", or get back at her in some way. It's a possibility. I witnessed something similar in my social circle---the fallout was very ugly---and the woman who ended up in the OW role not only lost her own marriage---but as the gossip flew, she ended up being shunned by most of the other women in the extended circle. "If she went after *****'s H, is she going to go after mine next? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Ok, so I guess I need advice on how to end two friendships with people who play a major role in my life without explaining to one of them why I am extracting myself from their lives. You stop communicating and move on. Do you really need someone to write a script on how NOT to do something that is going to add a lot of drama and pain for a lot of people? Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Ok, so I guess I need advice on how to end two friendships with people who play a major role in my life without explaining to one of them why I am extracting myself from their lives. WhichWayIsUp already provided essentially the same answer I would - don't make an issue of it, just spend less and less time with them. Let the friendship fade and die. Be busy with other things, other friends, dating... Link to post Share on other sites
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