A very sad day

[waliz]

Two and a half months ago my ex broke up with me. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. There are memories of things he did to me that are like PTSD episodes. When I think of them its like they are happening all over again and I have no control over when those memories come up (things like cheating and how he coerced me into bringing up the seperation). But I never could go completely "no contact", I wasn't ready. Well, we proceeded to see each other about once a week. We both acted like we could be friends. I knew I was accepting crumbs. I wanted him to see the good side of me (I admit to a bad side that contributed to all this mess). The pain between each contact we had was growing. Finally, I got an email from him that triggered all the bad old feelings and I impulsively (impulsiveness is a problem for me) replied with a long email saying I needed to really break up. I need to grieve this all at once-waiting to find out he had a new girlfriend was torture.

 

I don't know how he'll take the email. If I could take it back and continue getting breadcrumbs I'd probably do it. I also know I had to do it via email...when I get around him I feel too happy to want to end it.

 

So I'm back. Not going to lie and say i'm committed to no contact. I know I need to block him on my phone and put a filter on my gmail so emails from him are immediatly deleted.

 

I hate this. I never thought this was going to be my life at 48.

[ChelseaLS]

Two and a half months ago my ex broke up with me. It was the most painful thing I had ever experienced. There are memories of things he did to me that are like PTSD episodes. When I think of them its like they are happening all over again and I have no control over when those memories come up (things like cheating and how he coerced me into bringing up the seperation). But I never could go completely "no contact", I wasn't ready. Well, we proceeded to see each other about once a week. We both acted like we could be friends. I knew I was accepting crumbs. I wanted him to see the good side of me (I admit to a bad side that contributed to all this mess). The pain between each contact we had was growing. Finally, I got an email from him that triggered all the bad old feelings and I impulsively (impulsiveness is a problem for me) replied with a long email saying I needed to really break up. I need to grieve this all at once-waiting to find out he had a new girlfriend was torture.

 

I don't know how he'll take the email. If I could take it back and continue getting breadcrumbs I'd probably do it. I also know I had to do it via email...when I get around him I feel too happy to want to end it.

 

So I'm back. Not going to lie and say i'm committed to no contact. I know I need to block him on my phone and put a filter on my gmail so emails from him are immediatly deleted.

 

I hate this. I never thought this was going to be my life at 48.

 

 

Good job. I am proud of you for calling it quits, even though you would like to take it back.

 

Let the healing begin. Try to NC and if not LC. You can do it.

[OnyxSnowfall]

Aw I'm so sorry. I know exactly what that's like... and have gone through it innumerable times --- the push and the pull...

 

But the truth is that you're probably better off without him...

 

And if he doesn't contact you, it will be in your best interest in the long run. I completely understand feeling too weak in order to enforce NC yourself... but you deserve more than breadcrumbs and you deserve to be happy.

 

What reasons do you have that you'd want to persist in what sounds like a very stressful relationship? -- and why would you accept only breadcrumbs at this point? The pain will keep cycling through and through unless you find a way to change it. I think these are questions you should be asking yourself. Why hurt and tear yourself up over this?

 

It *sounds* like you're struggling with co-dependent issues (I have them. I call the collective crap of it a generic bond lawl... the kind that can become so unfortunately strong that one is willing to put up with and settle for all kinds of horrible things... because severing it seems like the utter end. But it isn't realistic to endure whatever it takes just to sustain it - it will inevitably fall apart again anyway. And the meaning it has is something deeper than whatever it's attached to. Something else has to give...)

 

What you're referring to doesn't have to be your life either. The good news is that you can decide to get up from this and move on in a better direction. It'll likely be arduous (it is for me...)... but it can be done. You gotta do it for yourself because *you're* worth it and one day others will be thankful you did too.

 

I hope for the best for you.