What would you have done?

[writergal]

I posted before in this forum about my estranged brother and my reasons for distancing myself from him. Well, this week our paths crossed again unfortunately and I'd like some feedback on how I handled the situation. Earlier in the week I had to help my sister discharge our mother from the hospital who'd had some surgery. My mother and I barely get along because she's just a mean person. Although she couldn't attend the dinner for my aunt and uncle, she had no problem giving me an earful of how much she hated them. I happen to like my aunt and uncle and cousins. But I knew my brother would be there and as I posted in another thread, he did some really awful stuff to me over the years that consisted of psychological abuse, which is why we are estranged from each other. I almost didn't attend the dinner but I went because one of my cousin's said she would help me if I felt anxious once I got there. It didn't help that my brother and his wife (who completely ignore my existence and never include me in their lives or their children's lives) pretended to be excited to see me. I didn't say "hello" back to them and just ignored them, walking past them to hug my aunt and say hello. I stayed for an hour before the dinner, and left (my cousin already knew of my plan ahead of time, and I assume she told my aunt and uncle too). As soon as I left, I cried in my car for the family stress I've had to endure so closely together in one week. What would you have done in my situation? If you knew a sibling you hated would be at a family gathering, would you have gone anyway? Did I do the right thing by going anyway? I hate my brother and his wife for the way they treat me like street trash, but at public family functions, treat me as though nothing bad ever happened between us. My brother works in public relations so he's a natural liar I guess. I felt embarrassed and vulnerable because I worry that my brother was gossiping about me to our cousins before I arrived. Plus the fact that I'm 40 and still trying to finish graduate school, living like a pauper in a crappy one-bedroom apartment while my brother and his wife and my sister and her husband live in large homes with careers and children and the whole package. I felt like a total exposed loser at the family function and seeing my brother who is a total #)$)#$) to me didn't help my self esteem much. I know I can't do anything about it if he did, and my cousins aren't the type of people to say, "hey, your brother said this or that about you is it true." So I don't know if my crying was due to feeling vulnerable emotionally or what.

[xxxheartbrokenxxx]

I think you were really brave to suck it up and attend the family gathering. However it would have been even harder if your Uncle and Aunt were on your brothers side but it sounds like you get along fine with them therefore the only fly in the ointment for you is your brother and his wife.

 

It must have been so hard to put on a brave face, as you know the truth about them yet the others may not see it, it must be maddening to think that people may have fallen for his fake enthusiasm to see you and possibly thought you were rude not to acknowledge his greeting. I don't know much about the background though, perhaps they are all aware of what your brother and his wife are like, I really hope so. The atmosphere must have been very unpleasant in there, sorry you had to deal with it (((hugs))).

 

Your extended family seem to be sitting on the fence, they probably just want a peaceful life and don't want to get involved to the point where they probably can't or wont admit anything's wrong. Seeing as they do not all gang up and actually be nasty to you, maybe attending things like this infrequently would be a better idea than avoiding them, as not going would mean missing out on seeing other people who you are close to. As for the gossiping, don't worry - you can't control what your brother does and it sounds like your cousins think the world of you anyway so it would take far more than that to turn them against you! I am not surprised you broke down in the car, sounds like you have coped with a lot this week. As for feeling inferior to the others just because they have more material things, if they can be that shallow to judge you on that then sod them!!! You are blatantly doing your best so please try not to feel inadequate, be proud that you will soon graduate and hopefully be in a career you're happy with.

 

I had a similar problem recently, it was my birthday and also both of my sisters birthdays during this month and I could not face going to a restaurant with them all as they had arranged (for theirs). I do not get on with any of my family - they all gang up together and make me a scapegoat. This has been hapening since I was a young child. Therefore I have realised that NOT attending family events is far healthier for me as meeting them as a group would be like throwing myself to the lions. They just cause me pain so I am now just avoiding situations where I know they will all be there, this will be increasingly difficult at Christmas, I need an escape plan by then. I have my fiance in USA so will probably go there.

[writergal]

I think you were really brave to suck it up and attend the family gathering. However it would have been even harder if your Uncle and Aunt were on your brothers side but it sounds like you get along fine with them therefore the only fly in the ointment for you is your brother and his wife.

 

It must have been so hard to put on a brave face, as you know the truth about them yet the others may not see it, it must be maddening to think that people may have fallen for his fake enthusiasm to see you and possibly thought you were rude not to acknowledge his greeting. I don't know much about the background though, perhaps they are all aware of what your brother and his wife are like, I really hope so. The atmosphere must have been very unpleasant in there, sorry you had to deal with it (((hugs))).

 

Your extended family seem to be sitting on the fence, they probably just want a peaceful life and don't want to get involved to the point where they probably can't or wont admit anything's wrong. Seeing as they do not all gang up and actually be nasty to you, maybe attending things like this infrequently would be a better idea than avoiding them, as not going would mean missing out on seeing other people who you are close to. As for the gossiping, don't worry - you can't control what your brother does and it sounds like your cousins think the world of you anyway so it would take far more than that to turn them against you! I am not surprised you broke down in the car, sounds like you have coped with a lot this week. As for feeling inferior to the others just because they have more material things, if they can be that shallow to judge you on that then sod them!!! You are blatantly doing your best so please try not to feel inadequate, be proud that you will soon graduate and hopefully be in a career you're happy with.

 

I had a similar problem recently, it was my birthday and also both of my sisters birthdays during this month and I could not face going to a restaurant with them all as they had arranged (for theirs). I do not get on with any of my family - they all gang up together and make me a scapegoat. This has been hapening since I was a young child. Therefore I have realised that NOT attending family events is far healthier for me as meeting them as a group would be like throwing myself to the lions. They just cause me pain so I am now just avoiding situations where I know they will all be there, this will be increasingly difficult at Christmas, I need an escape plan by then. I have my fiance in USA so will probably go there.

 

Thanks heartbroken for your post. Yes, my brother and his wife's fake enthusiasm upon my arrival to the dinner is what sickened me. They put on a good public show of affection for me, yet behind the scenes treat me with disdain and what my brother did on the drive to my uncle's funeral was unforgivable which he will never apologize for.

 

I know that two of my cousins side with my brother; but they are male cousins and I really don't care as I never had much in common with them. My two female cousins (their sisters) see my side of things and act as my ally which I'm grateful for. My aunt and uncle remain neutral of course to stay out of the family dynamics. It ironically was my uncle's own father who cut his siblings out of their inheritance in the family business, which created dysfunction and a lot of turmoil for more than 50 years. I recently found out I have more relatives on both coasts here in the U.S. (distant cousins if you will) who were off-chutes of my grandfather's siblings. Funny how family dysfunction DOESN'T skip a generation.

 

Unfortunately my immediate family are extremely shallow and materialistic. But I do feel like a total loser for being 40, broke, living off student loans with no job-house-husband-career prospects in the near future. My self esteem is pretty low but once I can finish my program and pass my state license exams hopefully my world perspective will brighten.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you feel like you're the family scapegoat as well with your two sisters birthdays and such. During my family's brief stint with family therapy after my father's death 20 years ago the therapist labeled each of us. I was labeled the family scapegoat and all the reading I"ve done ensures me that my role will never change in my family's eyes, so I will have to reinvent myself outside of those toxic family dynamics. It's hard to feel like I have options when right now I really don't. At least you have your fiance in the U.S. as an escape plan. Mine would be finishing my education program and passing my state exams. So I have a lot of pressure on my shoulders.