40 and still haven't started living

[writergal]

I was never one to follow one career path, having tried a few in the past 18 years of my life. Until three years ago I decided I wanted to become a licensed middle school teacher so I went to grad school. Well, three years later I'm still single, living off student loans, no husband, no house, still waiting to finish my grad school program and take my state license exams before I can get a teaching job. I just feel angry with myself for my past choices and mistakes because that's why I'm single, 40 and miserable now. I've seen a therapist but it didn't help because I can't change the past 18 years now; I just have to keep focusing on finishing grad school and hope for the best. But I'm depressed that my two siblings have nice homes, careers, marriages and children of their own. I have no idea why that didn't happen for me and I feel like at 40 it's unrealistic for me to think I could ever have that too; husband and kids and nice home. I have daily panic attacks about these issues and try to exercise to get rid of my anxiety but it's not helping. I feel burnt out with grad school too. But if I don't finish I'll just be an unemployable 40 year old with large student debt that was a waste of time. Can anyone relate to me at all?

[Anela]

I can relate to the anxiety over your age, and the feeling of having missed out in ways.

[Leegh]

It sounds as if you've had many acomplishments! There are many people right now who I'm sure wish they were not married, but can't afford to get a divorce. Your sisters may appear to "have it all" but I'm sure they have problems too, and will have problems in the future. Ten years from now, you may be married and they may not be, as things change. If you want to be married, you could try some on-line dating sites and go to dances if you live in or near a major city.

[josie54]

I can completely relate....I'm 42 and I also feel like I've wasted the last 20 years of my life. From the outside, it appears my life is fine. Other people see that I have a fiance (together 12 years, living together for 6), a good job (can work from home), and plenty of education. On the inside, however, it's another matter. I don't think I love my fiance, but he's such a sweet person I could never bring myself to leave him; and he's so attached to me, that he doesn't end it either, even knowing (or at least I think he knows) that I'm not committed. However, I can't bring myself to go through with a marriage either, which has left me stuck. For that reason, I never had kids. I don't like my job--I just fell into it because I had no other passion. I don't like where I live--I just stayed in the same city where I went to college after I graduated.

 

I have never had the nerve to withstand the guilt that would come from breaking up or to overcome the overwhelming, paralyzing fear that I feel when I think about starting over somewhere else. I too have tried going to therapists (several), but none of their advice or approaches has ever helped. Most of it has come down to, "Don't you feel bad that you've taken away 12 years of your fiance's life, given that you don't love him? Shouldn't you change that?" Well, duh. That's why I go to them for help. But when they keep reminding me of that, it only makes my guilt and inability to leave worse. I need somebody to help me over come the guilt and fear, and so far, several therapists have only succeeded in helping me become more deeply trapped by them.

 

So, yes, I know exactly what you mean. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it hasn't for me yet. I have no idea how to overcome the sense that "it's too late." And you're right...we made (or at least I made) bad choices, and at a certain point, those bad choices pile up into a mountain that's extremely hard to move.

[westrock]

I've seen a therapist but it didn't help because I can't change the past 18 years now

 

You can't change the past 18 years, but you can change your interpretation of the past 18 years.

 

For example, we have all heard stories about people who lose their job or break up, or fail at something, and at the time feel devastated, but years later say it was the best thing to happen to them. They didn't change their past, just their interpretation of their past.

[Anela]

 

I have never had the nerve to withstand the guilt that would come from breaking up or to overcome the overwhelming, paralyzing fear that I feel when I think about starting over somewhere else. I too have tried going to therapists (several), but none of their advice or approaches has ever helped. Most of it has come down to, "Don't you feel bad that you've taken away 12 years of your fiance's life, given that you don't love him? Shouldn't you change that?" Well, duh. That's why I go to them for help. But when they keep reminding me of that, it only makes my guilt and inability to leave worse. I need somebody to help me over come the guilt and fear, and so far, several therapists have only succeeded in helping me become more deeply trapped by them.

 

So, yes, I know exactly what you mean. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it hasn't for me yet. I have no idea how to overcome the sense that "it's too late." And you're right...we made (or at least I made) bad choices, and at a certain point, those bad choices pile up into a mountain that's extremely hard to move.

 

This is what I'm worried about, regarding seeing a therapist myself (now). Although I do need to see one (because feeling suicidal at times, is not "okay" and I need to try this), it's the fact that nothing will bring back those years. In some ways, I've been incredibly lucky, but I don't enjoy that as much, because of the reminder of how I'm such a failure in other ways - I have this time on my hands that I should be using to do something, but now I'm getting hit with "what's the point? what if this fails, too?"

 

I try to remind myself that I might have made equally bad decisions, and that life throws those obstacles at most people, so as to appease the idea that I might be happier in another version of my life, had I done this, and this and that.

 

*edit. I meant to add that the shaming is bad. It doesn't help at all, and just adds to the negative cycle.

 

I keep telling myself that I'm only 36, but time is rushing by (for me), and men my age are now overlooking me for younger women - at least online.

Edited November 19, 2011 by Anela

[Leegh]

I went to a therapist about ten years ago without success. It wasn't even over anything extremely serious, just about a typical break-up with a boyfriend. She had a critical, harsh tone, and I left there feeling worse than when I went in. I think some (not all) therapists try to make you feel worse, so that they will have your business as a client. Soon after that I had several "telephone consulations" with another therapist, (she was pretty good). I like the idea of talking to a therapist over the telephone, as it's easier to talk to someone about personal things when you are not sitting in an office with them, in other words, when you are in the comfort of your own home. In addition, I felt I could talk more freely to someone I'd never met.

[Anela]

I went to a therapist about ten years ago without success. It wasn't even over anything extremely serious, just about a typical break-up with a boyfriend. She had a critical, harsh tone, and I left there feeling worse than when I went in. I think some (not all) therapists try to make you feel worse, so that they will have your business as a client. Soon after that I had several "telephone consulations" with another therapist, (she was pretty good). I like the idea of talking to a therapist over the telephone, as it's easier to talk to someone about personal things when you are not sitting in an office with them, in other words, when you are in the comfort of your own home. In addition, I felt I could talk more freely to someone I'd never met.

 

How did you get therapy over the phone? that's something that would interest me.

 

I'm supposed to be hypnotized this afternoon, and I'm nervous - anxiety has kicked in big time, and I don't want to go (but have to).

[betterdeal]

Not lived for the past 40 years? Then it of utmost importance that you start living IMMEDIATELY. Life's a stage and there's no dress rehearsal.

[Leegh]

How did you get therapy over the phone? that's something that would interest me.

 

I'm supposed to be hypnotized this afternoon, and I'm nervous - anxiety has kicked in big time, and I don't want to go (but have to).

 

About ten years ago, I saw an ad in the back of a woman's magazine for a licensed therapist that gave telephone consulations. I'm sure if you do a Google search there will be many more now than ten years ago. Telephone counseling is nice because you can pay by credit card, and don't have to leave home.

[cerridwen]

Not lived for the past 40 years? Then it of utmost importance that you start living IMMEDIATELY. Life's a stage and there's no dress rehearsal.

 

Yes.^

 

It's nowhere NEAR too late for a rich life, writergal.

Did you know Frank Lloyd Wright and Picasso's most productive periods were later in life, well after 40?

For Wright, that time began when he was 76.

No moment of life was "too late" for these two.

And it's not too late for you.

 

Every minute you spend looking backward with regret is a minute lost.

Fill your minutes now with joyful activities, with fulfilling your plans, with looking forward with optimism toward things being possible

[writergal]

It's a relief to know I'm not alone with the level of regret I feel. If I were to share my "what if" wish list, this is what it would look like:

 

"What If List" (Things I wanted to do but didn't)

1. Move to UK (my birthplace) for college, marry my Irish sweetheart (our parents were friends and neighbors in the UK when my parents lived there, we grew up knowing each other our whole lives even after my parents moved to the US)

2. Stay in UK for work (journalism and higher education)

3. Write for several magazines

4. Go into teaching

5. Travel a lot

 

Vs. Reality

 

"Here and Now List" (includes major f*3k-ups)

1. 40 year old grad student

2. Single and Broke with no savings and an enormous student loan amount to pay off

3. Not in UK; stuck in US (no offense to my fellow Yanks but I prefer the UK)

4. Spent entire accident settlement for bills and living expenses after I filed SECOND personal bankruptcy 11 years after my first one, instead of putting a small amount of the settlement into savings

5. Trying to determine realistic plan to move to UK within next 3 years while still having my student loan payments

6. Trying to finish grad school by spring of 2012

7. Not even thinking of dating or marriage or anything of that nature

8. Hope to get at least a few years of teaching under my belt for the money I've wasted and trouble I'm going through to get my teaching license and masters

 

I feel like I'm trapped inside the Lewis Carroll quote, "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there."

 

I know it's not too late to start living my life. If only I'd not effed up at major times when it was crucial not too. Like when I got my accident settlement I could have used that to move to the UK 10 years ago but didn't (and I don't know what stopped me from doing it). That's my biggest regret out of everything. I really just want to move to the UK and live and work there where I was born and have distant cousins and some family friends. Just not sure how I can make that happen at this late stage when I have a large student debt looming and a grad degree program to finish. Ugh.

 

Of course I could always apply to another grad degree program in the UK but then I'd be a senior citizen student at 41.

[writergal]

You can't change the past 18 years, but you can change your interpretation of the past 18 years.

 

For example, we have all heard stories about people who lose their job or break up, or fail at something, and at the time feel devastated, but years later say it was the best thing to happen to them. They didn't change their past, just their interpretation of their past.

 

Well I'm not sure how I could change the interpretation of my past 18 years to sound good to myself or to others, but I like your suggestion. I think the biggest lesson for me is that I never should have listened to my controlling family or let them influence my choices. I should have followed my gut knowing that everything works out for the best in the long run (or so I hope).

[writergal]

Yes.^

 

It's nowhere NEAR too late for a rich life, writergal.

Did you know Frank Lloyd Wright and Picasso's most productive periods were later in life, well after 40?

For Wright, that time began when he was 76.

No moment of life was "too late" for these two.

And it's not too late for you.

 

Every minute you spend looking backward with regret is a minute lost.

Fill your minutes now with joyful activities, with fulfilling your plans, with looking forward with optimism toward things being possible

 

That's true. There is a long list of famous late bloomers whose artistic careers took off in their 40s. Now I'm just freaked out about this horrendous student loan debt interfering with my life moving forward in a good direction.

[writergal]

Not lived for the past 40 years? Then it of utmost importance that you start living IMMEDIATELY. Life's a stage and there's no dress rehearsal.

 

"life's a stage" indeed. I happen to be taking a Shakespeare seminar right now so it's ironic that you quoted the Bard now. If Life is a stage and we are all players, I need to talk to the director and find out why I don't have a leading role in my own life story (and make some necessary script changes that make me happier).

[betterdeal]

Ah, but there is no plot; it's all ad-libbing and you are the director.

 

So you want to move back here and you're about to qualify as a teacher. Have you looked into teaching in the UK? Make some enquiries. Have a look at The Times Education Supplement and see what's what. You have British born parents, right? That gives you the right of abode, making migration a lot easier (even without that, as a skilled worker you can probably get a work visa).

 

Debt, schmedt. The world is in debt. If you can't afford to pay it, you can't afford to pay it. If you can, pay it. Don't hide behind it.

[Dust]

Don't let the past or fears of the future overwhelm you. You live in the here and now.

 

You seem to have some kind of idea of what you want out of life. That is more then a lot of people can say.

[writergal]

Ah, but there is no plot; it's all ad-libbing and you are the director.

 

So you want to move back here and you're about to qualify as a teacher. Have you looked into teaching in the UK? Make some enquiries. Have a look at The Times Education Supplement and see what's what. You have British born parents, right? That gives you the right of abode, making migration a lot easier (even without that, as a skilled worker you can probably get a work visa).

 

Debt, schmedt. The world is in debt. If you can't afford to pay it, you can't afford to pay it. If you can, pay it. Don't hide behind it.

 

Trust me I would love to teach in the UK before I turn 50 which is sadly only 10 years away. My student loans will start six months after next May, my graduation date, and will equal about $700 US Dollars a month. I'm not sure if the proposed student loan reform bill set to take place in 2011 will help reduce my monthly payments because it's only a 10 percent decrease. And I don't know if I can live abroad while paying off loans that have to be consolidated into the US Govt's direct-loan program.

 

Oh, and my mother and I are UK-born, but not my father. So while I'd have no issue with getting a work visa or applying as a UK citizen for jobs; it's my debt that prevents me now from what I could have done 10 years ago had I not be trapped in Lewis Carroll's road analogy. I've never been trapped inside an analogy before but it's proving to be quite painful to my ego.

 

Debt-schmedt? Sounds like lyrics to a Nicki Minaj rap song. If I can't afford to pay my student loans they get postponed with interest tacked on. If I don't pay the loans well, my credit gets ruined and debtors prison a.k.a. extradition if I leave the US and don't pay back my student loans, add to that daily calls from creditors, no access to credit cards or lottery winnings, no social security checks when I'm old (hah), plus I'll never get a tax refund back, and the WORST outcome of not paying back my US student loans would be that companies who do credit checks won't hire me because their credit check would show my student loan debt still unpaid. And bankruptcy doesn't eliminate student debt either. The only candidates who qualify for student loan discharge are war veterans and people with permanent disabilities.

 

The phrase "The only two certainties in life are death and taxes" needs amendment to "The only three certainties in life, death and taxes and student loans."

 

9. Returning to school at 37. Just added to my "here and now list" of regrets.

 

There's no "I" in DUMB but there is in IDIOT. And I would definitely describe myself as the latter with regards to my financial mistakes.

[writergal]

Don't let the past or fears of the future overwhelm you. You live in the here and now.

 

You seem to have some kind of idea of what you want out of life. That is more then a lot of people can say.

 

That's exactly my problem now; the daily panic attacks, crying myself to sleep at night all indicate to me that I am paralyzed with fear that I've been a total idiot with regards to the past 18 years of potential opportunities and experiences that I either had but didn't take, or could have had but never saw because I was so mired in financial problems all the time.

 

If I could snap my fingers, I would be a licensed teacher with a masters, employed, with connections to schools in the UK; one of which would hire me abroad because I've miraculously found solutions to my financial straits that no longer have as much power over me and my life happiness. <== Ideal Scenario. Like, I would LOVE to celebrate my 45th birthday in the UK with my new teaching colleagues at a nice secondary school. But where I'm at now is broke, 40, with one semester left in my grad program and the summer to complete my masters in education. After that the world is my oyster and the pearl would be that I could achieve my goal of moving back to the UK where I could live happily (for the most part) ever after (however long that is).

[Dust]

Trust me I would love to teach in the UK before I turn 50 which is sadly only 10 years away. My student loans will start six months after next May, my graduation date, and will equal about $700 US Dollars a month. I'm not sure if the proposed student loan reform bill set to take place in 2011 will help reduce my monthly payments because it's only a 10 percent decrease. And I don't know if I can live abroad while paying off loans that have to be consolidated into the US Govt's direct-loan program.

 

Oh, and my mother and I are UK-born, but not my father. So while I'd have no issue with getting a work visa or applying as a UK citizen for jobs; it's my debt that prevents me now from what I could have done 10 years ago had I not be trapped in Lewis Carroll's road analogy. I've never been trapped inside an analogy before but it's proving to be quite painful to my ego.

 

Debt-schmedt? Sounds like lyrics to a Nicki Minaj rap song. If I can't afford to pay my student loans they get postponed with interest tacked on. If I don't pay the loans well, my credit gets ruined and debtors prison a.k.a. extradition if I leave the US and don't pay back my student loans, add to that daily calls from creditors, no access to credit cards or lottery winnings, no social security checks when I'm old (hah), plus I'll never get a tax refund back, and the WORST outcome of not paying back my US student loans would be that companies who do credit checks won't hire me because their credit check would show my student loan debt still unpaid. And bankruptcy doesn't eliminate student debt either. The only candidates who qualify for student loan discharge are war veterans and people with permanent disabilities.

 

The phrase "The only two certainties in life are death and taxes" needs amendment to "The only three certainties in life, death and taxes and student loans."

 

9. Returning to school at 37. Just added to my "here and now list" of regrets.

 

There's no "I" in DUMB but there is in IDIOT. And I would definitely describe myself as the latter with regards to my financial mistakes.

 

There are numerouse tricks to get rid of your student loans. One trick being to take a loan that is easy to discharge and using that money to pay off your debt that isn't easy to discharge.

 

Plus a lot of the private studen loans can be discharged in bankruptcy. So just take a lot of those if you want pay off the other student loans you got through the government and then discharge when you've waited long enough.

[writergal]

There are numerouse tricks to get rid of your student loans. One trick being to take a loan that is easy to discharge and using that money to pay off your debt that isn't easy to discharge.

 

Plus a lot of the private studen loans can be discharged in bankruptcy. So just take a lot of those if you want pay off the other student loans you got through the government and then discharge when you've waited long enough.

 

Well, I filed my 2nd chapter 7 bankruptcy in 2010 and enrolled in grad school in 2008, and will graduate in 2012. So I'm not sure that I could discharge my private grad plus loans to the 2010 bankruptcy. I will have to ask my bankruptcy lawyer if that's possible. If it is, that would discharge 30K of grad plus loans. And that would lower my monthly payments to less than $300 a month which would allow me to save money to move abroad in 2 to 3 years since my student debt is my only debt. So I guess the bankruptcy addendum discharge of my grad plus loans would be the silver lining in my education fairy tale? I'd like to see Disney or Pixar do a movie about a middle aged princess who returns to school and goes from Cinderella the poor student to Licensed Teacher Princess. Wow, clearly I've jumped off the dock of reality now into the dark murky waters of "that has potential to be funny but it's kinda weird" humor.

[Eeyore79]

I don't see why you can't move to the UK and continue to pay off your student loans. I had a quick look online and it seems like there are plenty of teaching jobs starting from around $32k. The only issue might be whether you need to do a conversion course in order to teach in the UK, as their school system is different. It would probably only be a one year course though, if you even needed to do it at all.

 

However I think you're romanticizing the idea of teaching in the UK because you're unhappy with your current situation. UK schools are just as bad as US schools in terms of bad behavior etc; being a teacher in the UK probably isn't the dream life you imagine. So yes, if you really want to teach in the UK then do it, but have a long hard think about whether you're just having escapist fantasies which don't match the reality.

 

Out of interest, what happened to your Irish sweetheart? Is he married and therefore unavailable? Or could there still be a chance if you got back in touch with him?

[betterdeal]

Have you sat down and seriously considered what it is you need to move abroad? A couple of flights - one for interviews, one to migrate so about 1k travel. 1k for rent and deposit on a place to live. 1k to tide you over until pay day. So you need about 3k tops. Get a part-time job (waitress, warehouses, street sweep, whatever) and by the time you graduate you'll have saved that up. There are also American schools in the UK for service families and ex-pats. And then there's fee-paying schools if you want to avoid challenging behaviour.

 

It's up to you. Where there's a will there's a way.

Edited November 21, 2011 by betterdeal

[writergal]

I don't see why you can't move to the UK and continue to pay off your student loans. I had a quick look online and it seems like there are plenty of teaching jobs starting from around $32k. The only issue might be whether you need to do a conversion course in order to teach in the UK, as their school system is different. It would probably only be a one year course though, if you even needed to do it at all.

 

However I think you're romanticizing the idea of teaching in the UK because you're unhappy with your current situation. UK schools are just as bad as US schools in terms of bad behavior etc; being a teacher in the UK probably isn't the dream life you imagine. So yes, if you really want to teach in the UK then do it, but have a long hard think about whether you're just having escapist fantasies which don't match the reality.

 

Out of interest, what happened to your Irish sweetheart? Is he married and therefore unavailable? Or could there still be a chance if you got back in touch with him?

 

Oh! Could you pm me those links? I'll check them out. I started out with escapist-fantasies this summer about it. Trust me. But then I read some online UK teacher blogs and checked myself back into reality. I was relieved to learn that UK schools have the same issues that US schools do because that would make the transition much smoother for me. But the conversion yearlong courses and exam I have to do are another annoying but essential hoop I have to jump through IF I want a UK school to hire me. So, here's how I would address that while living in the US; I would contact several schools in the UK to see if I could do distance learning with their conversion courses, and then take their end-exam online where I currently live. If I have to fly to the UK to take the exam I would of course. But if I could do all the coursework here while I'm teaching after next spring (crosses my fingers), that would be the best scenario because I won't have the money yet to move to the UK next year since I haven't been working during my grad school studies; just part-time work to use for social activities. So do you think that's a plausible plan? I also thought of querying US schools in the UK to find out if I could jump through the UK hoops here first, or how a US school abroad could help me.

 

That said, my heart is in the UK. I left it there when I was 17 and when I went back at 26 I had the chance to stay for school then too (plus I had the financial support of an accident settlement). But I choked at the 11th hour of my plan and moved to another state for a few years instead and got myself into a terrible financial troubles, that forced me to move back to my home state. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

 

Ah, my then-Irish sweetheart. My plan at the time we were reunited the summer before my senior year during a trip to his town with my aunt and uncle (we were 17) was for me to finish my last year of high school here in the US, then apply to the university in his town (which I did a year in advance but got turned away due to my GPA not meeting the criteria). I had brought my high school transcripts with me on my trip you see, because I had this all planned out. I even had $1000 saved because his parents owned an apartment complex that I could stay in rent-free (since I was born in the apartment complex as well due to my parents living there at the time). Well, that plan went into flames when I told my parents (my father hid my passport which I thought was ridiculous). They refused to help me financially and said that I would fail if I left the country. Talk about guilt trip. So I wrote a letter to him, breaking the bad news (since this was not quite the Information Age, but more the Snail Mail Age). He was upset as I was and then his parents moved to my hometown (his father was a professor) with my friend and his sister for an academic sabbatical. But by that time, he was mad at me for having snogged one of his friends during my visit (it was innocent I tell you, I was a 17 year old surrounded by boys with British accents which were like Kryptonite and weakened my rational mind). So we lost touch for about ten years until I returned for three weeks during a winter break from my undergrad college days (I finished college later than most, since I had taken time off to try other things, only to return to finish school as a promise to my father who was on his deathbed with cancer - I'm telling you, Hollywood movie script here people). When I contacted him he was studying at Cambridge and he invited me to visit him which renewed the spark on my end, but not on his because he was engaged to a woman he now has children with another 10 years later. So HAD I disobeyed my parents by going abroad after my high school graduation, I'm 100% positive he and I would have married and I'd be the mother of his children right now; all of us living together in the UK. But because I chickened out, and made the choices I did, I wound up on a completely different path (and a very unhappy one at that).

 

At this point, I just want to finish grad school, find a teaching job, figure out my loan repayment and save, take my UK license conversion courses online (if possible) so that I can move back to the UK (not to pursue the Irish fellow or wallow in the past or escapist fantasies of "what might have been") and teach there instead of here.

[writergal]

Have you sat down and seriously considered what it is you need to move abroad? A couple of flights - one for interviews, one to migrate so about 1k travel. 1k for rent and deposit on a place to live. 1k to tide you over until pay day. So you need about 3k tops. Get a part-time job (waitress, warehouses, street sweep, whatever) and by the time you graduate you'll have saved that up. There are also American schools in the UK for service families and ex-pats. And then there's fee-paying schools if you want to avoid challenging behaviour.

 

It's up to you. Where there's a will there's a way.

 

You know, I could easily set aside 3K in February when I get my spring refund, and use that as my incentive to stride through my student teaching next semester. That would be the perfect segue into the next decade of my life (gasp, I said it, 40 is the new 30, right?!). Hell, if JK Rowling can make it from writing her HP series while on the dole as a single mom (I met her by the way in 97 on a train headed to the Lake District, when I hadn't heard of HP yet), then I could totally make this work. Right?

 

If you have any links, please pm me those. Thanks so much for the brainstorm session tonight (it's 2:46 a.m. central time where I live so I will depart for bed now). I think it's totally a reasonable thing to do next summer while I finish my masters!

 

I never would have thought this through had I not come online tonight.

 

I agree. Where there's a will, there's a way. And I definitely have a strong will. I just have to use it for good instead of evil (i.e. stupid financial mistakes amongst other foibles).