New Here - my story of love and hurt

[manbehindthemask]

so, just found this site and thought I would share my story - wow, where to begin. About 25 years ago I met my soulmate. I think I immediately knew this at the time and from the moment of our first meeting, the two of us were inseperable. Like much of this story though, it was complicated right from the start. When I met "Ann" she had just started to date a friend of mine - someone who clearly was no good for her. Keep in mind we were all young at the time (I'm 42 now), so we weren't exactly getting into relationships for all of the right reasons.

 

Anyway, from the start, Ann and I spent virtually every minute that we could together and we just connected on so many levels - finishing each other sentences, laughing at our own dumb jokes, and on and on...in short, just two extremely compatible people who very clearly loved each others company. So much so that everywhere we went, even when "he" was around, everyone always thought that WE were the couple. I think all of our friends were all confused too as to what was going on, rightfully so. We were perfect together.

 

I'll try to keep this story semi=short, so let's just say things continued like this for several years, and all the while Ann and I became closer and closer - I was clearly falling deeply in love with her and I think she with me. Her relationship however was also moving forward but, and this is something that did not become clear until later, it was really only held together by the fact that I was in her life - everything that Ann needed in her life emotionally she was getting from our relationship, and that had the impact of disguising the fact that her "real" relatinship was void and emptly. The same was true for me in many ways - I was not dating anyone for years, because truthfully all I wanted was to be with her, and I was sure it would happen - some day.

 

Any everything that I needed emotionally I was also getting from our "relationship" - unfortunatley the physical love was not happening, but that would soon change too. At this point in time there was clearly a growing love between us and inevetably there began a heavy flirtatious undertone to everything that we did. This went on for what seemed like an unbearable amount of time and ironically, this was also around the time that Ann and HE were talking about marriage! I could not bear the thought of it! Clearly she was blinded by just wanting the big day, the big party, etc and could not see or didn't want to see what was really going on.

 

So, fast forward, they did get married (I was even IN the wedding) and there I was, alone. To say this was devastating to me is putting it mildly. Shortly thereafter I moved to the other side of the county. So, not long after moving, not surprisingly, the marriage started to crumble. Fast forward some more and they were getting a divorce. I had also moved backed to town since then and it was then that we reconnected (actually we never un-connected) and we at last got together physically. For a brief time I really thought I was finally going to start a life with the love of my life and live happily ever after. Sadly, this feeling would not last long.

 

Around this time, I was just beginning my career and it was one that would take me just a brief distance away, no more than a 2 hour drive. We come from a very small town and I could tel that "Ann" had no intentions of leaving. I'll never know what was going through Ann's head at the time (well I might soon, but will get to that in a bit), but she started to date another man several years older than she. It was during this time that I began to break down emotionally. I left town, got a great job and in short just started to go on with life, convinced at the time I would never talk to Ann again.

 

How I was going to get through life without her by my side I did not know, and WHY...WHY we were not now getting together as a couple I just could not understand. I think, in retrospect, she felt she would hold me back by wanting to stay in our small town, etc., no matter how hard I tried to convince her otherwise. In the months and years that followed I went through some pretty dark times and probably developed some bad habbits - all in an attempt to stop the pain from coming back. Fast forward now 10+ years. I am now married myself (no kids and none on the way) and she is still married to #2. Over the last decade, I have thought of her often and we have stayed in touch through random phone calls, emails, etc. We still to this day have common friends so there is the occasional face to face contact but in reality we talk maybe once a year at best. Still, she has been in heart forever and to this day my heart physically hurts when I think of how much I love her and miss her in my life.

 

Over the last couple of years, i have thought about Ann constantly, daily. I don't know why all of a sudden the feelings have gotten stronger, maybe just reflecting on things differently with age, but there has been a buildup of emotions that gets stronger by the day - to the point where I'm almost mad at myself for thinking about her so much yet I just can't get her out of my head. I feel like life just did not turn out the way it could have...the way it should have. Now fastforward to literally last week and there it is...a text. From Ann. This is the first communication in probably 2 years.

 

We start emailing furiously and immediately the tone goes from simple "hi, how are you", to a strong sharing of emotions, regrets, etc. We shared how difficult it was to watch the other get married, how we think of each other all of the time and looking back just don't understand how it all got so crazty. Fast forward again and we agree to meet for lunch next month. I am really on an emotional roller coaster right now because I love this woman with all of my heart - yes, I love my wife but, and I know this is horrible to say, it is just on a different level. My heart and my soul belong to Ann and always will. I know deep down this meeting is probably not a good idea and I'm sure many of you will tell me I am playing with fire...but I just can't resist, and don't want to resist.

 

I wish life were not so complicated.

Edited December 25, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Assistance in forming paragraphs

[whichwayisup]

You two, for whatever reason, can't get the timing right and I really don't understand why you two didn't get together years ago. She could have ended her R with the bf and been with you.. But she didn't and she married him.

 

Anyway, you're married now, so is she. Don't go have an affair.

 

I know you love her, but just because you love her doesn't mean you two are meant to be together in that way.

 

Maybe it's time to focus on your wife and let go of Ann. Tell her goodbye. What you have shared and will share again is selfish love on the expense of innocent people. You two are NOT part of eachothers lives, she doesn't know your spouse, nor you hers. It's hidden and a cancer to each of your marriages. I hope you see this?

 

It's sad and it's a wasted love for one another because she chose to be with someone else, not once, but twice. She divorced and still didn't end up with you.. Doesn't that say something?

[manbehindthemask]

Thanks for the reply, whichway and yes, the fact that she chose someone else twice I suppose does say something and it's the part that is hardest to understand for me. You also have to understand at the time, we had a lot of friends together and there was this feeling that if we were together, it would have been an admission in sort that we indeed loved each other through marriage #1 - I know this fact played deeply into her decisions because we talked about it at length at the time. In our 20s the thought of friends taking sides and all of the drama of us getting together in that manner I think bothered her...shortsightedness for sure. I just feel as if our situation is such a tragedy that never should have happened...

[manbehindthemask]

I should also say that I'm not going into this with an intention on having an A, ok? She has things that she says she needs to say to me (some of this is being driven I think by a major event in her life, not marraige realted, that I won't go into), and I have things I need to say to her as well. I'm hoping it's a cleansing thing, but I appreciate the danger as I still do love her dearly...

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the reply, whichway and yes, the fact that she chose someone else twice I suppose does say something and it's the part that is hardest to understand for me. You also have to understand at the time, we had a lot of friends together and there was this feeling that if we were together, it would have been an admission in sort that we indeed loved each other through marriage #1 - I know this fact played deeply into her decisions because we talked about it at length at the time. In our 20s the thought of friends taking sides and all of the drama of us getting together in that manner I think bothered her...shortsightedness for sure. I just feel as if our situation is such a tragedy that never should have happened...

 

Coulda, shoulda, woulda...It's in the past and all you have is your life ahead of you, and she isn't a part of it. The dynamic you two have/had is unhealthy and dramatic.

 

I should also say that I'm not going into this with an intention on having an A, ok? She has things that she says she needs to say to me (some of this is being driven I think by a major event in her life, not marraige realted, that I won't go into), and I have things I need to say to her as well. I'm hoping it's a cleansing thing, but I appreciate the danger as I still do love her dearly...

 

I hope this as closure so you can finally put this to rest and focus on your wife. Obviousy what you feel for Ann DOES affect how you feel towards your wife.

Can you say goodbye to Ann and let go? Or do you intend to try to keep a friendship alive?

[manbehindthemask]

Sure it may be thrilling and all that in the beginning but put your feet on the ground, would you leave your wife? How would she feel with what is going on now, your secret communication with your past AP?

 

Look, I'm not even saying this is where any of this is going, and even if we never, ever got together, which is the most likely outcome, I would still always care for her deeply and so NO, I don't want to push her out of my life forever. In other words, I want her to be happy, even if it is not with me. To answer your question though...if I really thought it was for real, and it pains me to say this, but yes I would leave. It goes that deep. My wife knows this person - not well of course, she only knows her through me, but she knows who she is and thinks we were only ever just very good friends.

[manbehindthemask]

I agree I suppose...I also want to state, just for the record lol, that I have never ever cheated on anyone, not with my wife nor with anyone I ever dated. So it's not like I'm in this for the "A" - it really goes much much deeper than physical attraction, although that is a very strong component as well.

 

I know it's wrong and maybe that's why I'm posting since I have no one I can talk to about this. I just wish I "felt" more wrong but instead I can't wait for the lunch. Your responses are helpful. I appreciate them.

 

Coulda, shoulda, woulda...It's in the past and all you have is your life ahead of you, and she isn't a part of it. The dynamic you two have/had is unhealthy and dramatic.

[manbehindthemask]

Look, I'm not even saying this is where any of this is going, and even if we never, ever got together, which is the most likely outcome, I would still always care for her deeply and so NO, I don't want to push her out of my life forever. In other words, I want her to be happy, even if it is not with me. To answer your question though...if I really thought it was for real, and it pains me to say this, but yes I would leave. It goes that deep. My wife knows this person - not well of course, she only knows her through me, but she knows who she is and thinks we were only ever just very good friends.

 

one more point on this as well..."Anne"s husband knows who I am as well. I don't know him well and I don't know what she has ever said to him about me, but he forbids her to be anywhere near me, even 10+ years later...

[manbehindthemask]

I asked you several questions but you didn't answer many of them. The answers aren't for me, they are for you, to get you to thinking instead of fantasy building. So I'll add another one in reply to your above post. How can continued contact enhance your or her happiness? If you really want her to be happy, you'd leave her alone and not drag her into the mess of an affair.

 

Also you've always lied to your wife about the relationship you had with this woman? ummmm What does that say about you?

 

 

OK, I'll try and answer them. The reason why I think "it could be different" this time, is that I feel like she has regretted for years not getting together back when we had the chance and when it would have been easy. I think she has grappled with this for years and for whatever reason the feeling is getting stronger. Why we did not get together back in the day I don't know really, but the point is I think that we both truly love each other and deeply regret past choices. Now, I know that may sound irresonsible and immature even but at the end of the day, should we really deny ourselves true love if it is there? The good that I "hope" can come out of meeting is to finally lay all of our feelings on the table and I know for me it would feel incredibly good just to finally let everything out and for her to do the same. I don 't expect this to lead to us getting together at this stage, but I guess there is a part of me that wonders...I know I sound nuts, but I seriously would wait another 20 years to be with this woman and grow old with her...

What does it say about me? Well, a lot I suppose. I don't feel like I ever lied to my wife because well, honestly she never asked. She has met this woman once or twice and that is it.

[manbehindthemask]

I asked you several questions but you didn't answer many of them. The answers aren't for me, they are for you, to get you to thinking instead of fantasy building. So I'll add another one in reply to your above post. How can continued contact enhance your or her happiness? If you really want her to be happy, you'd leave her alone and not drag her into the mess of an affair.

 

Also you've always lied to your wife about the relationship you had with this woman? ummmm What does that say about you?

 

 

You are helping me btw, and I realize I'm not totally answering all of your questions...I am starting to come down from my high so to speak and think about all of this in a realistic light. It's just so hard and heartbreaking when you have been harboring feelings for someone for so many years and living every day thinking that your life is a love story gone wrong. I know in my heart this likely won't end well...it just makes me so very sad...

[findingnemo]

Hi Man,

 

I wonder if you read the Lost Loves thread. You are in love with Ann, and she's probably in love with you too. That's actually a very good thing. However...(a big however here), the two of you will definitely hurt two other people who have done nothing but love you. It doesn't matter if you're Romeo and Juliet, having an A (which is much easier than you seem to realize) will result in incredible pain for everybody.

 

Meet her. But be clear in your mind about what you will and will not do. If it turns out that the two of you communicate effectively for the first time and find your feelings are mutual, ask her if she's going to choose you this time. It is all or nothing. If she says yes, then she needs to go back home, cease contact and get a D. And so should you. There will be a price to pay for the two of you getting together but you can spare your SO's more pain but not having an A.

 

Check out the lost loves site. There are so many stories like yours. Most of them end well. I guess it's because the purpose of the site was to study how many people reunited after years apart. But most of them had As and although they are together and very happy, they regret ever causing their exes the pain and betrayal of As.

 

Let us know how the meeting went.

[heartinlove]

I agree with Finding Nemo's feedback but not alot of the other. I feel its very easy to say just focus on your wife or dont meet, but from your post its clear there is a lot more depth to this story and its not so simple or black and white. When someone inhabits your thoughts and soul to that degree you can't just say oh let me focus on my wife now.

 

I do agree with Nemo that when you meet, put all of your feelings out there and if you both agree that you are to be together, leave your spouses, don't have an affair. What concerns me about your story is that she has never chosen to be with you when she has had the chance, so Im not convinced she feels the same for you as you do for her. I would go into the meeting wanting the whole truth to come out whatever it is.

 

As for the comment no great love has ever come out of these situations, thats not true. There are many, many examples of people who could not stop loving each other, even though there were great consequences who ended up together happily. I do agree that if that is what happens in your situation, do it without the affair. Do it with the truth, it will be easier for everyone in the long run.

 

If this woman does not have the same feelings is not willing to take action on those feelings then you need to come to a closure in your soul so you can move on with your life.

[manbehindthemask]

Ya know, at the end of the day, those feelings you have carried around, well you obviously put them aside and lived in the present because you fell in love with your wife, you married her and you still say you love her, so where does she fit in this? Are you going to leave her now and go after this woman or are you too afraid to leave her and go whole-heartily after this fantasy woman? You should do one or the other, not both. You either make up your mind to stay with your wife and be true or you leave her and go after this woman and take your chances but at least look at the reality of the history here. Stop giving it that romantic tilt that is not grounded in reality and not objectively looking at the history. Real life/love is seldom like it's portrayed in our minds. lol

 

 

I agree with you. I want to thank everyone for the advice and input, it really is so helpful. Yes, I love my wife but..and I don't know how to explain this...I guess if "Ann" was available at the time, even when I was engaged, I would have been with her in a heartbeat. We (Ann and I) went through a long period of time where we talked very very little because honestly, i think it was too painful for us to connect. I thought at the time that door was forever closed and it during this time that I got married. It sounds so wrong and evil to say my wife was a 2nd choice, but.....

I do agree though that Ann had chances to be with and chose not to and that hurts me...we were both young and stupid though and for whatever reason at the time I think she tried to ignore how in love with her I was...she clearly knew it but I think was afraid and I don't know why...I get the feeling now she clearly regrets it and has harbored feelings for me ever since...

[Emme]

Reading your post I could just see myself in your shoes and I am a little happy in all honesty that I am no longer having an affair. It is very damaging to your heart to love someone and watch that love slip away when you could have said something.

 

25 years is a long time to love someone and not act on it. I will say from my experience it’s the fact that you are still in each other lives that’s why there was no need to take it to the next level. I call it being chicken****. Both of you were chicken to try and see if you could have a relationship for fear that it would fail. If the relationship failed then you no longer would or could be in each others lives.

 

You have to make a choice before you meet her. Your life will always be “void and empty” unless you clear the table and both of you open your hearts. She has your heart that’s why you will never be happy. You will always cling to her because of not knowing what could have been. So what your plan should be is to put it all out there. Put all of your emotions and your expectations on the table. Make your demand.

 

What ever is said after the two of you are truthful you have to accept it for whatever it is. If it’s one thing that I have learned from my experience is to say I love you to someone when I feel it. Don’t keep it hidden because of fear. If her love for you is not that strong at least you know in your heart you did make things clear. There is no confusion.

 

So the question now is what is your plan? Are you prepared to end your marriage? Are you prepared to loose the life you now have? Are you ready to give up whatever it may be to please this woman you love?

 

Make your decision before you meet her. Do not meet her unless you are ready for what’s to come. Stop the madness. It’s unhealthy. If she does not want you, take your heart from her and walk away, never look back. NEVER LOOK BACK! You’ve lost 25 years of your life don’t loose anymore.

[heartinlove]

And thank you for your effort to discount everything I said as BS. You could have made your point without doing that. So your post is fair game. You are ignoring that he said he loved his wife, you are ignoring their troubled history and h e l l o, I told him to go get her if he thinks he can't live without finding out, but i told him to leave his wife 1st so on that one thing we can agree.

 

I said I didnt agree with the previous comments. Im allowed. This is about different opinions. I didn't ignore their troubled past and said I wasn't convinced that she had the same feelings for him. Yes he said he loved his wife, but he also said he loves this woman on a deeper level and would leave his marriage for her.

 

I just dont agree with leave your wife first then have a conversation with her. Not realistic. I did say don't have an affair. You just don't have those kinds of feelings for so many years and then can let go without having some sort of closure and putting everything on the table. I believe if he had closure then he would be able to focus on his wife or he then could leave his marriage if this other woman shares his feelings. Im just not convinced she does.

[manbehindthemask]

Reading your post I could just see myself in your shoes and I am a little happy in all honesty that I am no longer having an affair. It is very damaging to your heart to love someone and watch that love slip away when you could have said something.

 

25 years is a long time to love someone and not act on it. I will say from my experience it’s the fact that you are still in each other lives that’s why there was no need to take it to the next level. I call it being chicken****. Both of you were chicken to try and see if you could have a relationship for fear that it would fail. If the relationship failed then you no longer would or could be in each others lives.

 

You have to make a choice before you meet her. Your life will always be “void and empty” unless you clear the table and both of you open your hearts. She has your heart that’s why you will never be happy. You will always cling to her because of not knowing what could have been. So what your plan should be is to put it all out there. Put all of your emotions and your expectations on the table. Make your demand.

 

What ever is said after the two of you are truthful you have to accept it for whatever it is. If it’s one thing that I have learned from my experience is to say I love you to someone when I feel it. Don’t keep it hidden because of fear. If her love for you is not that strong at least you know in your heart you did make things clear. There is no confusion.

 

So the question now is what is your plan? Are you prepared to end your marriage? Are you prepared to loose the life you now have? Are you ready to give up whatever it may be to please this woman you love?

 

Make your decision before you meet her. Do not meet her unless you are ready for what’s to come. Stop the madness. It’s unhealthy. If she does not want you, take your heart from her and walk away, never look back. NEVER LOOK BACK! You’ve lost 25 years of your life don’t loose anymore.

 

 

I agree completely, thank you. This is what I hope happens when we meet. Either a new beginning or the end. I just hope I can end it if that is what should be. Totally agree this is unhealthy and I have been so f'ed up for SO LONG now, it's driving me insane. Love sucks sometimes, my heart aches so bad for her...but it would be a lot of drama if we ever moved this forward. I did not even mention that she has children (I do not)....

[Emme]

I truly believe and this is just my opinion that you shouldn’t live a life unhappily. I think it is toxic to live a lie than be yourself and give of yourself. People will get hurt but in the end you become a better person by the hard choices you make in life. You can’t love if you’re not willing.

 

Figure out your plan from now, write it down if you have to. Confront the situation and don’t have anymore regrets in life. Regrets are useless.

[SoMovinOn]

Paragraphs! Please? I promise, hitting enter a couple of times and throwing some white space in there is not painful!

 

As for your situation - you and she have already spent a lifetime being close and not being involved. I don't see where getting together for lunch is going to send you down some slippery slope.

 

Go have lunch. Talk. Enjoy your time together.

[18Years2Late]

Hi Man,

 

Go read my posts...I've been in you're shoes...in fact I'm still not completely sure you're not my xMM changing up the story a little (scratches forehead)...I feel your pain...loving someone for most of your life that u can't have sucks...you proceed and chances are it's not going to end well...and the pain will be exponitionally worse...Nemo's BTDT too...I agree with her...think about what you're risking...is it worth it...and you both need to end your current M before pursueing a decent R with each other...

 

(I'm watching a other train crash in slow motion...sigh...)

[manbehindthemask]

@SoMovin...sorry, that drives me nuts also about the paragraphs! I actually typed that up offline and then copied and pasted, b/c I was going back and forth as to whether I should post at all - but this feedback from everyone has been great b/c I really do have no one to talk to. If I asked any of my guy friends, they would probably respond with, "yeah, I know, you've loved her forever - everyone knows"

 

@18years...thanks, I did read some of your posts and for the record - it's not me. Not unless you changed your story a LOT. I have not had an A with the OW ever..well, I guess technically I did once, but that was 15 years ago. We have barely seen each other in the last 15 years, and never alone together since then.

 

This has been such an emotional weekend for me, my stomach is literally in knots. I do wonder if she has also seeked out help on a forum such as this...I suppose it's rare that an OW and MM "find" each other on a forum like this, but I guess it can happen....I did not change details of my story much at all, except for names (maybe I should have, ha ha)

[manbehindthemask]

Can you say goodbye to Ann and let go? Or do you intend to try to keep a friendship alive?

 

 

I don't beleive I could ever say goodbye completely - as in NC for the rest of my life, as if she never existed. I don't think I could ever do that. Maybe I "should"....but I know I wont....

[manbehindthemask]

So, just thought I would give a real quick update since everyone has been so helpful with advice. We are having lunch tomorrow and spending the afternoon together - I will let you all know how it goes.

 

To say I'm looking forward to it is an understatement. That said, I am thinking MUCH more rationally than I was when I posted this thread. Wow, those emotions the first couple of weeks of contact were incredibly strong, but I feel like I'm back to reality here now and am capable of having a normal conversation and just catching up. Let's hope so. I do think that once we meet we'll probably have to go back to our old ways of speaking very very infrequently and basically not being a part of each other lives, otherwise it's just too difficult to deal with on a day to day basis. So I'm looking at this as a one time reunion of sorts...

[woinlove]

So, just thought I would give a real quick update since everyone has been so helpful with advice. We are having lunch tomorrow and spending the afternoon together - I will let you all know how it goes.

 

To say I'm looking forward to it is an understatement. That said, I am thinking MUCH more rationally than I was when I posted this thread. Wow, those emotions the first couple of weeks of contact were incredibly strong, but I feel like I'm back to reality here now and am capable of having a normal conversation and just catching up. Let's hope so. I do think that once we meet we'll probably have to go back to our old ways of speaking very very infrequently and basically not being a part of each other lives, otherwise it's just too difficult to deal with on a day to day basis. So I'm looking at this as a one time reunion of sorts...

 

What your feeling is completely normal, but I wouldn't call it rational. You have made the decision to move away from your M and W and meet with the OW, and it is normal to try to minimize that decision, because you really want to go ahead but don't want to accept responsibility for what it means about the commitment you made to your W and the level of deception that is already involved and will continue to grow. Buckle up, the roller coaster ride will return soon with even greater force.

[despicableME]

Whether you want to admit it or not, this headed toward an affair. You're in denial as to what your true intentions are.

[standtall]

I hear 2 trains on a head on collision.