New Here - my story of love and hurt

[RecordProducer]

I hear you, but don't you think "this time it's different" can really be true sometimes?

So, you think this time she is/will fall in love with you and you'll stay together? Or do you think she will be with you even though she's not in love with you?

 

We're predicting that you'll have an affair that will destroy your marriage and Ann will move into husband #3.

 

We did meet and spent several hours together and it was of course fantastic.

So, you hooked up? Held hands? Kissed? I don't believe it was all friendly, considering your sudden hope that this time it'll be different. She is doing the same thing that she always did to you.

 

I just can't do it today.

Well, today is the day for you to make a decision: you will either destroy your marriage and let Ann hurt you or you will choose to stay away from a toxic woman. But considering your obsession with her, you'll never learn.

 

I think her relationship may be ending in the coming months/year

... and she needs you now to feel good about herself. She needs you like a Kleenex - ever had a runny nose and nothing to blow it into? It sucks, especially in the winter.

 

and I will let that happen without interference.

You couldn't interfere even if you wanted to. She made decisions to marry and divorce without even looking to your side.

 

I don't know what, if anything, would happen with us going forward.

I think you know what will happen. Judging by the .01 figure you used above for "this time it's different," I think you know that there's a 99.9% chance this time it won't be different.

 

Obviously lots to think about...

You only need to understand one thing: she doesn't love you as a man, she is not in love with you and she won't be. She married two other men in the past when she could've chosen you. Why do you keep hoping she would choose you? - she can't choose to love you.

[manbehindthemask]

Congratulations, you have moved the EA up a few notches. RE: the bolded, she laid the bait out and you swallowed, hook, line and sinker. She gave you the impression that you have hope.

 

In the mean time, I think you should tell your wife what is going on. Give her the chance to decide if she wants to watch you do this or if she want's to bail. I don't think you'll do it however because you don't want to take that risk unless you are sure your long lost love is all in. Your wife is plan b, always has been, she really ought to know so she can decide for herself what she is going to do. I don't think you'll tell her however, you'll tell yourself you don't want to hurt her and besides nothing has happened yet, right? (insert sarcasm) I also don't think you want your plan b to walk out on you unless you are more sure of the g/f. I feel sorry for your wife.

 

This g/f is gonna string you along for a long time, she has already set it up so she can. She told you nothing definite, just vague maybe's about months and years and you are climbing aboard like she is your life raft. Yes, hook, line and sinker, she has you right where she intended it to go. Hanging on to every word you were.

 

I bet she was grinning from ear to ear on the way home, she knows she can snap her fingers and there you'll be. Quite the cat's meow, isn't she?

 

 

She is not going to string me along forever because I will not let that happen - again. IF, and it's a big IF for me, but IF this is in fact real, she would have to prove that to me in no uncertain terms. Prove to me that this is not just something to make her feel better and that she really has loved me all these years as she says.

 

The fact is, back in the day, I had big dreams and wanted to move to other side of the country and she forever wanted to stay in our small town - that much we were very adament about and she says THIS is what drove her to ignore her feelings for me because she was afraid it could never work out.

 

There are events happening in her life right now that I won't go into but it's the type of thing that causes one to reflect deeply on life, on choices made and on what really matters most - because life is short and very fragile. It's probably me rationalizing again and thinking "she really does love me", and maybe that isn't true and she's just into this for self fufilment and I'm an idiot - I guess I don't know what to feel or think right now.

 

I agree with you about not keeping my W in the dark and I will deal with that. I know you think I wont, but I will...

[manbehindthemask]

We're predicting that you'll have an affair that will destroy your marriage and Ann will move into husband #3.

 

And #3 will not be me, is that what you are thinking?

 

So, you hooked up? Held hands? Kissed? I don't believe it was all friendly, considering your sudden hope that this time it'll be different. She is doing the same thing that she always did to you..

 

There was hours and hours of conversation. A small kiss at the end, that was it.

[frozensprouts]

manbehindthemask...

 

for what it is worth, in my book ( and i'll grant that I have a pretty black and white view when it comes to this) you have cheated on your wife.

 

now what will you do?

 

my advice ( and again, i will readily admit i am not very broad minded on this topic) is to tell your wife the whole truth. The whole truth being that you have always had a sense of unrequited love for ann, that you were excited to see her, not as a friend, but in a romantic way, and that you never told her (your wife this)this- a lie by omission. Please also tell her that it wasn't just a friendly lunch, that it felt like so much more, that there was a kiss at the end of it, and that, if ann were free to be in a relationship with you ( or perhaps even if she weren't free, i don't know, only you do) you would consider either cheating on your wife ( which, in my opinion, you are already doing), or leaving her for ann.

 

Please don't take the "i'll wait and see what happens between me an ann before I say anything to my wife" approach, as this would be very cruel and is that the kind of guy you really want to be? Do you think your wife deserves better than this?

 

you need to prepare yourself for the fact that your wife, should you tell her the whole story, may decide to leave...I can only speak for myself, but if I were in her position, I don't think I'd want to stay with someone who would consider leaving me should someone else he thought was "better" become available. She'll spend her whole life waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I hope you agree, that's really unfair to ask her to be in that position.

 

If you were in your wife's shoes, what would you want?

[RecordProducer]

I think this is a horrible situation for your wife. To have a husband who has always been in love with some woman and is still in love with her after marrying you - is much worse than any affair.

 

If you decide to eliminate Ann from your lifeand focus on your marriage, I don't think you should tell your wife the whole truth. Because if you stay married, it will ruin the relationship for her. As much as she deserves to know the truth, she also doesn't deserve to live in constant pain, with low self-esteem and in fear. I wouldn't want to know. I would like to have a happy marriage and if that means that there are things I never knew about, so be it. At the end of my life, I prefer to have been happy and blissfully ignorant than married and aware of all the shyt that my husband did to me.

 

But if you want to divorce your wife for Ann (which seems to be what you would like), then you should tell your wife. The lies started when you didn't tell your wife on time (before your wedding day) that you loved Ann your whole life. Another lie is that you love your wife, because if you did, you wouldn't run to Ann now.

 

I think you should leave your wife and be with Ann, since Ann tells you that she loved you her whole life and blames it all on the choice of city. You believe her, you want to be with her, so leave your wife. And if Ann loves you like she says, she will leave her husband, too, immediately.

 

In fact, why don't you tell Ann she has 30 days to show you that she's filed for divorce - not as a blackmail, but after 25 years of her BS and her marrying other people, you have a right not to believe her- especially in the light of the fact that you're both married. If she loves you, she will do whatever it takes to be with you.

 

But, you have no right to cheat on your wife and see how it goes, and if the affair doesn't work, go back to your wife. That's just ugly.

 

And #3 will not be me, is that what you are thinking?

I don't know. What is her financial situation vs. yours? Does she have any kids? Do you? Edited December 18, 2011 by RecordProducer

[East7]

Mr. Man, I am a former (single) OM and I can tell you RecordProducer is 100% spot-on.

 

BTW brilliant posts RecordP !

 

The biggest lesson I have learned from my A is that all boils down to actual actions no words, should-could-would. This women never loved you, she even had you attend her first wedding, gosh...how can you go at the wedding of the woman you love and see another man put a ring in her finger..? Are you masochist ?

 

She had a chance to be with you after the divorce but no she started dating another man. In fact she had zillions of opportunities to be with you but she didn't take any of them. Why? Because she never really loved you even when you guys were 17..Sorry for being blunt, but she loves you as a f***-buddy, as a sweet puppet, but she never wanted you as a man or as a husband.

 

This woman "possesses" you but you are far from "having" her. She knows the situation and another time like she has done in 25 years she is enjoying emotional support and having someone to give her unconditional adoration.

 

Why buy the cow when the milk is for free (african proverb).

[manbehindthemask]

What is her financial situation vs. yours? Does she have any kids? Do you?

 

She has 2 kids, I have none. I make many multiples of what she makes, she would not have to work if she did not want to - I've been very fortunate and sucessful (thanks to a ton of hard work). Her H, not so much...

And yes, I've thought about the financial motive...

[standtall]

The long and short of it is..I think her relationship may be ending in the coming months/year and I will let that happen without interference. If it does, that's fine and I don't know what, if anything, would happen with us going forward. Obviously lots to think about...

 

She is lining you up bro..For once, I agree with the victimized, ex-spouse haters here, and think you should go tell your wife. It will hurt her as you have already betrayed her, but go to her and ask for her help...the damage is not that severe yet. Otherwise, you'll be posting on the divorced and separating forum in a few months.

[MissBee]

ManBTM,

 

I will try to put this as gently as I can: This woman does NOT love you.

 

She had many opportunities in the past quarter of a century to be with you, but she chose two other men to marry. No, it's not a matter of timing. Women do crazy things when they're in love. She treats you as a friend with whom she had friendly sex occasionally. I know numerous people in your situation. These women seem angelic but they're manipulative. They use these friends-lovers for all kinds of purposes: to receive comfort, support, compassion, company, sex, money... they'll take whatever you have to give. They're not necessarily bad people - it's just that men like you offer themselves for free. I have a friend who was a victim of something like this. He was in love for decades. He got over her when he realized that she never truly loved him.

 

To you, Ann is a goddess that fell from heaven. To her, you're just a convenience store where she stops by once every so often, when she needs something. I wish you to start loving her just as much as she loves you - and that's very little. Maybe she loves you as a friend, but not as a man.

 

And you want to leave your loving wife for this woman? Does Ann have a pet? If yes, I bet you she cares more about her pet than about you. And I echo your words:

 

 

You have to forget this slippery woman once and for all. You have to understand that she is no soul mate of yours, because if she were, you would've been together. She is your obsession. No matter how fun and cute she may be, she is just another human creature in this world and you must relieve yourself of the chains you've put around your heart because of her.

 

You will meet her for lunch and hook up and cheat on your wife, and everything will go downward from there. You will end up hurt because Ann will stick to her pattern of choosing other men over you. She knows when the timing is right to pull you in and to push you away when you're not needed anymore. You allow yourself to be reeled in again, you'll destroy your marriage - and you won't end up with Ann anyway.

 

The wise thing to do is to cancel the lunch, delete her from your contacts, and never take her call, email, or talk to her again. You mentioned a few times emotions getting out of control. I know exactly what that means. But looking back, I allowed my emotions to get out of control. I let stupid emotions control me and dictate my actions. You can't control your emotions but you can control your actions and your thoughts-and those will shepherd the emotions and keep them in a safe place.

 

Amaaaaazing post!

[MissBee]

Not everyone is convinced you are headed to a full PA. Some, like myself, have told you it really doesn't matter whether you take it to a full PA or not. You head and heart is already engaged and occupied with this woman, you are already deceiving your wife, and those things are fully capable of killing a marriage and the intimacy it needs to thrive - you don't need a PA to do that.

Also, you seem to think your new less-emotional state is a shift rather than what it is - a temporary state. It is not unusual to downplay your emotions and involvement when you are about to take the next step. It's typical to rationalize that it is not that big of a deal, it won't hurt your W or end your M - because it seems you are not ready to think about ending your M. But the flood of emotions will likely come back within a week or two after you have met. They didn't disappear, you didn't work through them and change. Rather, you've just put them aside, as most people do, in order to take the next step.

 

 

This is very true! In fact, I think I can see myself having an easier time forgiving meaningless sex than an ongoing emotional affair.

[Disillusioned_2011]

This is very true! In fact, I think I can see myself having an easier time forgiving meaningless sex than an ongoing emotional affair.

 

Exactly. OP, you're clinging to a woman emotionally, who has been using you for decades. I've seen guys like you and all I can say is that the best treatment for your "disease" is to actually go for it. This will have two positive effects: You will be healed in no time, because a serious relationship with this emotional bloodsucker will soon open your eyes, but most importantly: your wife will be free to choose a real man who isn't daydreaming and appreciates her. Somebody out there will appreciate her more than you, and not consider her plan B.

[seren]

I think that in my mind I can see the BS believeing that her marriage is good, that her husband loves her and that they have a future, that he went and met an old friend for lunch and that she hoped he had a nice time. I also see that his success has been their success, that his financial situation is as much her triumph as his and that all the while he is and has been placing her behind someone who didn't want him back in the day, but who now resurfaces and suddenly it sounds like game on.

 

This had disaster written all over it, if not for the OP and the OW but certainly for his BS. The OP has the power to end this now, or to end his marriage and, as someone said, for her to grieve, then move along and meet someone who will appreciate her loyalty and love and for her not to be coming up behind someone else, someone she has been competing with, albeit without her knowledge for such a long time.

 

Unless you have been on the receiving end of gaslighting, lies and betrayal you really can have no idea of the can of worms you are opening. Either close the dammed can closed or open them and reap the results, But, if you have any love or like for your wife, leave her first, the alternative is just so dammed awful.

 

Imagine that your wife has felt you were second best all these years, imagine that tomorrow you found out she had met her 'long lost love' and had met for lunch and was mulling over what if's and that those what if's had a huge impact upon you .... what would you feel? and do you feel you have the right to do this? sad, just very, very sad.

[despicableME]

She is not going to string me along forever because I will not let that happen - again.

 

She's been stringing you along for some time now, 'ol chap.

[findingnemo]

Man, have you thought about what you want? Let's forget about Ann for a bit. What do you want in a partner? Are you happy in your M or are you living in quiet desperation? If Ann didn't exist, would you still feel the same way? I knew that my M was bad for me. Heck, walking down the aisle I knew that I was making a horrible mistake. The fact that I loved another man wasn't relevant. I didn't love the one I was about to marry. So when my M became unbearable, I left. I didn't leave because I'd hook up with the one I loved. That wasn't in the cards for me. I left because I'd rather be alone than miserably M.

 

Don't fall in the trap of comparing Ann and your W. They are two different people and you know absolutely nothing about Ann in terms of a life partnership. If you can figure out whether you want to be M to your wife or not, you'll be able to make decisions easily. If you like your M and are happy, then anything you do with Ann is cheating cake eating, playing with fire... A train wreck waiting to happen. If on the other hand, you are unhappy then I suggest you tell your W a.s.a.p. Don't have this meeting with Ann in an effort to gauge whom to choose. While your W's cards are all on the table, Ann has a hidden hand that will take a long time to uncover. You can't compare them. It's really about you and how happy or unhappy you are in your M.

[confusedinkansas]

I realize I'm one of the cheaters here but I do see the writing on the wall. Same as others. Not by reading between the lines but reading exactly what you've posted.

 

She KNOWS because you've told her that you've pined away for her all these years.....& because of that She KNOWS that if (WHEN) her current relationship or situation changes, if she plays her cards right, you'll be there to catch her when she falls. You'll be that security blanket she'll need.

 

Personally, I think you're falling in love with the ghost of christmas past. You can't honestly think that you KNOW her now. People change so much over time. Her beliefs, her wants, her needs PLUS she has 2 children. Really!!?

Are you prepared for THAT?

 

If she really is just looking for a friend/shoulder to cry on - then OK. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. But, if that's all she's looking for then why keep it a secret from your wife?

However, if my husband befriended an old / past 'LOVE' not too sure I'd be very comfortable with that. I doubt your wife will be either.

[woinlove]

manbtm, I hope you are paying attention to all the advice and insight being offered here. You have already moved away from your W and M, which is a choice you might want to make, except you seem to be in a mode of denial about this. As to the OW, it is rare for someone to pass by a possible love interest several times over many years and then truly change one's perspective. More typically it is filling some immediate need that causes an apparent change in perspective. From what you write there are plenty of reasons the OW is now interested in you, but none of these may involve real love. But go ahead and give it your best shot if you wish, just be honest with your W about that. You may lose your M over this woman and not get much in return in the end, but no reason to lose more of your integrity too.

[alexandria35]

I realize I'm one of the cheaters here but I do see the writing on the wall. Same as others. Not by reading between the lines but reading exactly what you've posted.

 

She KNOWS because you've told her that you've pined away for her all these years.....& because of that She KNOWS that if (WHEN) her current relationship or situation changes, if she plays her cards right, you'll be there to catch her when she falls. You'll be that security blanket she'll need.

 

Personally, I think you're falling in love with the ghost of christmas past. You can't honestly think that you KNOW her now. People change so much over time. Her beliefs, her wants, her needs PLUS she has 2 children. Really!!?

Are you prepared for THAT?

 

If she really is just looking for a friend/shoulder to cry on - then OK. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. But, if that's all she's looking for then why keep it a secret from your wife?

However, if my husband befriended an old / past 'LOVE' not too sure I'd be very comfortable with that. I doubt your wife will be either.

 

The bolded is so very true. I had a guy look me up sixteen years after we broke up. We were both single again so we dated for a while but I just never really clicked with him the second time around. In my twenties we had dated for almost a year and I had been very infatuated by him. I remember being very crushed the first time we broke up as at the time I believed I was in love with him.

 

So anyways he calls me up sixteen years later and we started seeing each other again. After dating a short time I realized that he was expecting me to be exactly the same person I had been in my twenties. He was very good to me the second time around but something about the whole situation irritated me. When we broke up again I felt guilty because he had been so good to me but I also felt angry which puzzled me. I mean I had no reason to be angry with him as he had declared his love for me and treated me great and it was I who just couldn't get into him.

 

Finally one day a few months after we broke up I realized why I was angry and why I was always kind of put off by him while we were dating. He had been using me to recapture a feeling or a time from years gone by. He remembered how I had adored him in my early twenties and he wanted me to give that to him again. When he had called me all those years later he claimed to have never forgotten me and that he had carried feelings for me all these years. Flattering stuff for sure, but some inner part of me knew it was bull****! Maybe it was bull**** that he truly believed, but bull**** nonetheless. I wasn't the same person I had been all those years ago and I knew in my heart there was no way he could sincerely love me the way he claimed to when he didn't even know me. He had some fantasy in his head about me and our past and he expected me to live up to his dream world. Blech!

 

I've never been one to understand holding on to someone from the past. The past is the past and you can't recapture it. I say let it go and learn to appreciate the here and now.

[Owl]

I agree with you about not keeping my W in the dark and I will deal with that. I know you think I wont, but I will...

 

OK.

 

You've had a couple of days since this post to do so.

 

What have you done to fill your wife in on what's going on, what you're feeling, what you're planning?

 

I'm a firm believer in how actions spell out a lot more than words.

 

What have you DONE to fix this situation? What changes have you made? What have you told your wife, what steps have you taken, and in what direction?

 

Personally, I don't care one way or another if you hook up with Ann. If that's what you want...fine.

 

But do so HONESTLY, UP FRONT, and WITHOUT FURTHER DECEPTION.

 

Make your choice...and make that choice clear to everyone...and move forward in that direction.

[manbehindthemask]

Owl - no I have not said anything to W yet. I know some will say I'm using this as an excuse, but time of year does not exactly make this any easier. Merry Christmas - I don't love you! Does that make sense?

 

To those who say Ann and I don't know each other all I kind of disagree. We've kept in touch enough and keep up with each others lives enough to know each other pretty well I think. It's not the "magic moments" from the past that I hang onto, it is her as a person - I want to fold laundry with her, and pay bills with her - all of the "reality" parts of this I have thought about. She still excites me physically and mentally more than anyone I have known.

 

I do feel this could be real this time. There is still a lot she would have to prove to me, and a lot of trust to rebuild, but we've talked alot even after our meeting, and it's clear what hurts her is that she hurt me and she's been trying to live with the consequnences of her bad decisions (that she can't explain) for 20 yrs. In the end, I guess actions will dictate what happens. It's a emotional roller coaster for me right now - and you were all right btw - seeing her hit me like a freight train.

 

Anyway, probably going to cool it from posting for awhile...need time to figure things out. This site has been comforting, I have no one else to talk to. Happy Holidays to everyone.

[woinlove]

Owl - no I have not said anything to W yet. I know some will say I'm using this as an excuse, but time of year does not exactly make this any easier. Merry Christmas - I don't love you! Does that make sense?

 

To those who say Ann and I don't know each other all I kind of disagree. We've kept in touch enough and keep up with each others lives enough to know each other pretty well I think. It's not the "magic moments" from the past that I hang onto, it is her as a person - I want to fold laundry with her, and pay bills with her - all of the "reality" parts of this I have thought about. She still excites me physically and mentally more than anyone I have known.

 

I do feel this could be real this time. There is still a lot she would have to prove to me, and a lot of trust to rebuild, but we've talked alot even after our meeting, and it's clear what hurts her is that she hurt me and she's been trying to live with the consequnences of her bad decisions (that she can't explain) for 20 yrs. In the end, I guess actions will dictate what happens. It's a emotional roller coaster for me right now - and you were all right btw - seeing her hit me like a freight train.

 

Anyway, probably going to cool it from posting for awhile...need time to figure things out. This site has been comforting, I have no one else to talk to. Happy Holidays to everyone.

 

With no children involved, I would take a real and painful Christmas over a fake and deceptive Christmas any day. Imagine the memory of a fake Christmas all tied up and delivered by one's own spouse. I'd suggest putting a stop to the acting and to allowing your connection to Ann to bring out the worst in you. Today is better than tomorrow and tomorrow is better than the day after. Waiting until after Christmas? And you say Ann has to show she can be trusted! Hmmm....

[Standard-Fare]

I've been following this fascinating thread for a while now but this is my first time chiming in. Manbehindthemask, I think you've received a mix of good and VERY BAD advice here.

 

You haven't told us about your lunch in great detail, other than that you talked for hours and you get the impression her relationship is dissolving. Was there any firm talk about a relationship between the two of you in the future? (Or was it all talk about the past?)

 

I think you're at a crossroads and you need to be taking some decisive action soon. And no, that doesn't mean you should divorce your wife, as some here have suggested... I don't even think you should tell your wife a thing yet.

 

I believe it's time for you to give Ann some straight talk. Tell her that you've loved her for years, that at age X you're still nurturing this hope of being with her, however unrealistic the circumstances are right now. Tell her the types of thoughts you're having -- that you might even be willing to consider taking some VERY DIFFICULT steps of dismantling your present existence in order to be with her. Point out that it would be messy, and people would be hurt, but you think you are willing to move heaven and earth for it.

 

And finally, ask her to be real with you. After all these years, and with all these thoughts spinning in your head, tell her you deserve the respect of a completely honest answer from her. YES or NO, do you think she can be with you or not? Should you be considering her as a part of your future, or not? And tell her you can't deal with a "maybe," or an "it could happen down the road," because she if she did really love you she'd be able to look you straight in the eye and give you a firm YES. And if she can't do that, it's really time for her to let go of you. Because you've wasted enough time already pining for her and if you can't have her you need to close that door once and for all.

 

I think this conversation needs to happen soon. I think you can't possibly wait around through the potentially LONG process of Ann's breakup, which may or not even happen, while you give your wife a half-assed version of yourself. I think you need to know, one way or the other, how things are going to be going forward with Ann.

 

If she really loves you, I think she will let you know that. Only a true devil would mess around with a man who is considering breaking up his marriage and rearranging his whole life for her sake. And though your stories paint Ann as wishy-washy person who doesn't know who she wants and may have complicated feelings about you, she doesn't sound like a devil.

 

And if it turns out she can't give you a yes, understand that it's the cold truth you need to hear.

[frozensprouts]

please tell your wife, as soon as possible. please don't be the kind of guy who will lie and sneak just because it's easier to do that than it is to tell the truth.

 

look at it this way...you wife ( from the sounds of it) will be facing a huge change in her life- what right do you have to decide for her when she should know about it? she needs to know as soon as possible so she can start making decisions for herself that no longer include you as a factor. that is her basic right...please don't take that away from her.

 

if you no longer love her, at least i hope that you can still respect her enough to treat her properly and give her the information she needs to make informed choices about what she wants to do. don't lie to her- unless you are one heck of a great liar (and actor) she will know something is up and her christmas will be ruined either way. if you don't tell her, she will spend it wondering what she did wrong that is making you seem so distant and cold towards her. at least if you are honest, she won't blame herself....from what you've said, she hasn't done anything wrong and has been a good wife to you...now is the time to step up, be a man, and do your final act as a good husband to her- give her the dignity of knowing what is going on in her life...even if telling her is the hardest thing you ever have to do...consider it part of the "price" for being with ann.

[seren]

Manmask, this is the bit about A's I hate, the lining up of ducks, the getting to decide when you tell your wife she is not the person she thinks you are and that your marriage is not what she thins it is. In your first post you say that you love her, your wife and now, that you and Ann have a future. You cannot have a future with both, unless you are going to be eating cake forever. If you and Ann are going to make a go of it and have finally found each other and all that, then fine, go for it. But as FS and others have said, don't do this as the expense of your wife's dignity and take advantage of the fact that she loves you.

 

I have read many posts on here about A's, some that have ended with the A partners together and making new lives and some where the BS, or OW/OM have been hurt immeasureably. Who knows what your future holds, but whatever it does I hope that you can at the very least show some decency and tell you wife what her future holds, today, not when it suits you and Ann, but for your wife's sake, do not be one of those who drags it on and lies, that is unspeakably cruel.

 

TBH, this post more than most has me shaking my head and thinking what a piece of work you are. Of course you won't want to come back here and read what it is like to be deceived and that your actions are viewed as pi** poor and those of a self seeking coward. There are OW/OM on here who have been hurt by A's in as much as there are BS, hurt has no labels and you have, by your words, made a mockery of your long marriage. I abhor what you are doing by not being honest. Do the right thing and tell your wife, in that way you and Ann at least have the chance to begin your rekindled relationship with no one else being hurt.

 

For your wife, I hope that her hurt is shortlived and that she quickly meets someone else and goes on to have a happy, loving relationship with a man who puts her first. I don't wish any less for you, provided you do it with openess and honesty.

[confusedinkansas]

At the beginning of this thread you told us you weren't going to have an affair with Ann. You just wanted to see her - see how it went. I don't believe that was very honest.

(But then again, it is what it is on sites like this one - sometimes people are honest with themselves & others on here - Sometimes not so much)

 

I digress......Now, you're talking of folding laundry & paying bills with her.

I think that you got what you totally wished for. Your marriage wasn't really that bad until Ann came along again & wanted to see you. Then you decide that you don't want to be married to your wife anymore. You don't love her.

I wonder, if Ann never showed up, would you really be having these conversations with yourself (wanting to fold laundry with another woman?)

 

You never answered my question either - If you didn't think it was going to turn into an affair - Why did you post here?

 

Contrary to the dramatic answer you got about not telling your wife before Christmas ("I would take a real and painful Christmas over a fake and deceptive Christmas any day") Hogwash.

Who in their right mind would want this at this time of year?

I don't think you should talk with her until after the new year.

Just my opinion.

[PhoenixRise]

 

Contrary to the dramatic answer you got about not telling your wife before Christmas ("I would take a real and painful Christmas over a fake and deceptive Christmas any day") Hogwash.

Who in their right mind would want this at this time of year?

I don't think you should talk with her until after the new year.

Just my opinion.

 

 

No

 

It is absolutely NOT hogwash.

 

I completely agree with the sentiment of preferring to deal with a painful truth now than to have a fake happy holiday with my spouse while he is sitting around longing to fold laundry and pay bills with his long lost love.

 

If he tells her in the new year she will realize that everything she experienced thought she was sharing with her husband over the holiday was not real and she will feel like a fool.

 

The only person served by waiting until the new year is the person who is cheating but who doesn't want to feel like a POS himself/herself over the holidays.