New Here - my story of love and hurt

December 14, 2011

ok, so lunch got pushed a couple of days because of work responsibilities (mine), but I wanted to make a couple of points. First, I totally appreciate the thought that I'm in denial (maybe I am) and that this is headed towards a PA but I need to make a few things clear..

My W does know I am having lunch with this person - I told her. That said, she doesn't exactly know we're spending the day together, nor does she know the dynamic between us, so sure there is some deception there, but I did at least tell W I was meeting her for lunch (me rationalizing again I guess!) . Second, and I don't mean to sound holier than thou, but I'm just not going to let myself go into PA territory - I know, I know, I'm sure emotions are going to hit like a freight train and I'm going to start to lose all sense of reality, but I really feel confident that I can control the situation at this point. Maybe you are all cracking up as you've seen this played out a million times before, but right now I'm staying strong and planning to take the high road.

So, that's it for now - updates to come and again, I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone, it helps me alot to know so many others have been through this!

December 14, 2011

ok, so lunch got pushed a couple of days because of work responsibilities (mine), but I wanted to make a couple of points. First, I totally appreciate the thought that I'm in denial (maybe I am) and that this is headed towards a PA but I need to make a few things clear..

My W does know I am having lunch with this person - I told her. That said, she doesn't exactly know we're spending the day together, nor does she know the dynamic between us, so sure there is some deception there, but I did at least tell W I was meeting her for lunch (me rationalizing again I guess!) . Second, and I don't mean to sound holier than thou, but I'm just not going to let myself go into PA territory - I know, I know, I'm sure emotions are going to hit like a freight train and I'm going to start to lose all sense of reality, but I really feel confident that I can control the situation at this point. Maybe you are all cracking up as you've seen this played out a million times before, but right now I'm staying strong and planning to take the high road.

So, that's it for now - updates to come and again, I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone, it helps me alot to know so many others have been through this!

manbehindthemask

You are smart enough to know that the most convincing lies have an element of truth in them.

Your wife knows that you are having lunch with an old friend. And she is ok with you doing so. And why wouldn't she be? She trusts you. She believes that you would never betray her. She doesn't know that there is someone else you have been holding a torch for, for your entire adult life. She doesn't know that you are planning to meet this person to spend the whole day to explain/explore your mutual feelings. She doesn't know and she would never suspect because she trusts you. Be honest with yourself about what you are doing to her.

If you love this woman from your past. That is ok. You love her more than your wife and would leave your wife if this woman was available and wanted you. That is ok too.

What is not ok is you holding your wife as some kind of back up plan/ consolation prize if this woman from your past should choose once again to pass up the opportunity for a real relationship with you.

Don't you think your wife deserves to be loved with the same passion and intensity that you carry for your long lost love?

Don't you think your wife deserves to be with someone who would never dream of leaving her for another woman?

Don't you think your wife deserves to be with someone who knows in his heart that she is THE ONE?

If you love another woman so much then you just should not be married to your wife regardless of what happens between you and your long lost love. That is unless you think that the remnant, leftover, second tier "love" you feel for your wife is the only kind of love she deserves.

You should tell your wife the truth about how you feel and let her decide her life for herself based on the truth.

I also think you must be smart enough to know that meeting with this woman, even if there is no sex on this initial meeting, is a slippery slope leading right into a physical affair. But really, considering the way you have described your feelings for both of these women whether or not you have a physical affair is a moot point.

If you love her so much and you have been carrying a torch for her for so long you should stop being such a chicken about it. Divorce your wife and go after her. Tell her you want her to divorce and be with you. Do you really care so much if your reputations among your circle of friends takes a hit?

December 14, 2011

ok, so lunch got pushed a couple of days because of work responsibilities (mine), but I wanted to make a couple of points. First, I totally appreciate the thought that I'm in denial (maybe I am) and that this is headed towards a PA but I need to make a few things clear..

My W does know I am having lunch with this person - I told her. That said, she doesn't exactly know we're spending the day together, nor does she know the dynamic between us, so sure there is some deception there, but I did at least tell W I was meeting her for lunch (me rationalizing again I guess!) . Second, and I don't mean to sound holier than thou, but I'm just not going to let myself go into PA territory - I know, I know, I'm sure emotions are going to hit like a freight train and I'm going to start to lose all sense of reality, but I really feel confident that I can control the situation at this point. Maybe you are all cracking up as you've seen this played out a million times before, but right now I'm staying strong and planning to take the high road.

So, that's it for now - updates to come and again, I really appreciate all the feedback from everyone, it helps me alot to know so many others have been through this!

Why did you tell your W about the lunch when you are lying about your feelings, the dynamics between you two and spending the day together? That just seems cruel and manipulative. When she starts to suspect or find out, she'll go over in her mind what she should have known when you said you were having lunch. Nothing like trickling out little truths while keeping the big lies hidden to make someone feel crazy. It's early days and your W probably doesn't feel crazy yet, but keep this behavior up, and she likely will.

Personally, I don't think it makes much difference whether you have a PA. Look at where your head and feelings are, certainly not with your W.

December 14, 2011

You aren't taking any high road at all and you are bs'ing yourself. You are just telling yourself that just because it's not a pa YET then what you are doing isn't quite as bad. You are already having an EA with this woman, you are keeping secrets from your wife and now you are lying to her.

I bet after meeting with her, it's going to go like this. You are going to be excited, elated, the feelings you say you have for her are going to be brought to the forefront. Your wife is going to be more and more in the background as the ea proceeds on to a pa. You will rationalize, justify, feel torn between them, some guilt will creep in, confusing yes, but you won't stop until you crash and burn. You don't have enough guts to lay it all there to your ow or to your wife, you are gonna drag everyone down with you.

Maybe the biggest lie of all is that some part of you believes that you missed your chance with her. You aren't seeing that if it was going to be, there isn't any good reasons that it couldn't have been then. You also aren't seeing that the potential for a healthy relationship with this woman is very low.

The potential for a healthy R with manbehindthemask would also seem to be very low, given how he is treating his W. I would think he has some work to do with himself if he wants to maintain an committed, honest and intimate R with anyone over the long term.

December 14, 2011

Just going to interject here -

Mr.Man -

First of all just from reading your posts you sound as giddy as a school girl. I realize you've back-peddled a little bit since the first initial posts. You can't say that you aren't excited beyond belief about this "DAY" you're spending with this other person. (As we all are when we're in an affair PA or EA)

You're setting yourself up for an affair.

Secondly - I too had a 'FRIEND' & my husband knew just about every time we went out (hubby OOT - friend & I would do happy hour together) So I'm with you on telling your spouse you're spending time. BUT - Just like you I didn't tell him the "Dynamic" behind any of our meetings. EVER.

We ended up having a full blown affair - that lasted off & on for about 3 years.

Again -You are setting yourself up for an affair.

The players are already in place. Your emotions (whether you're admitting it or not) are in place. It's just a matter of WHEN it happens.

Not going to chastize or bash you - Not going to tell you you need to tell your wife everything.......Nope.....Just sharing from my own experiences.

I hope it all works out well for you.

December 14, 2011

OH I couldn't agree more, he isn't good relationship material either. He's a liar, sneaky, and now cheating. He doesn't realize it but these choices he is making will come back around and slap him around. I oughta know.

Harsh words - but I understand why you are saying them and you are rightI suppose. Look, I feel a little foolish when I read my initial posts in this thread - clearly emotions were VERY high after our initial contact and flurry of emails.

Once we agreed to meet, in fact the email exchanges between me and OW have become rather bland actually - no reminiscing or innuendo, just very "friend" type conversations. Maybe we were both feeling some guilt about what we were sharing with one another. Maybe this is a typical pattern too - I don't know. I understand feelings will likely come on strong once we physically see each other again, but I think this is going to be a one and done meeting, that is it. Conversation, lunch and that is all. I feel I can leave it at that.

I also feel horrible about some of the things I said earlier about willingness to leave my W if the situ was right. Clearly I'm very confused and I think my emotions were running out of control when I posted this, which is probably why the 2 of us (me and OW) have sort of exercised a self imposed semi-NC for the last 20yrs. I told OW it would be easier if she hated me, which is what I had essentially forced myself to believe for the better part of 2 decades. I think she just has to get some things off her chest about how things ended, hence her reaching out for lunch. Call me niave, but I really don't think this goes beyond that.

December 15, 2011

Dear manbehindthemask:

I know this is crazy to say...but here goes...GO GET HER... If you love her and she loves you, GO TO HER...You are only going thru the motions with your wife and she with her husband. If it is TRUE, it will be.

You cannot love your wife as you do her....I am sure you have been thinking of her constantly, even though you don't want to admit it. But it is NOT fair to your wife or her husband. Go and see what it can be...

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO HAVE REGRETS............Believe me I KNOW.....

Good Luck!!!!!!

December 15, 2011

MBTM, Before you meet Ann, ask yourself if your wife came to you and said she was meeting someone from her past who she loved, had pined for, for all the years you and she were together, that was the love of her life and that you were 'second best' could and would you say OK, go meet him?

I think it incredibly low to have stayed married to your wife thinking she was less than Ann and for her to trust you so much that she says OK go meet her. TBH, I think that you and Ann are ships that have sailed, your wife has loved and supported you all these years and you are about to repay that by meeting someone you hold on a pedestal and who you still 'love'.

If you love Ann at least be honest with your wife and tell her so she can decide whether she is prepared to live a life where she isn't the love of her husband's life, then she can go and find someone who can give her 100% of his heart.

If you are honest, if you then go meet Ann and it works out, then I wish you well. But if you go and try to convince yourself that it is for closure I think you are kidding yourself. This woman has passed you over twice, you have both had ample opportunity before you were married to get together, but it didn't happen and while you say that for you she was and is the one, for her, it sounds like you weren't, or maybe it is now after all this time that she wants someone who puts her on a pedestal.

A's hurt, deceit hurts, and no one should live a lie, if you love your wife you would think of what could happen and how that would impact upon her and your marriage, take your wife if it is that innocent.

I get long lost love, I get looking back and thinking if only, but not to carry such a torch for all this time and being married to another. Please think long and hard about opening the can of worms I think you might end up doing.

December 15, 2011

Call me cynical but "star crossed lovers" are just fantasy and it doesn't mirror what real life would be like if they got together.

Psh, Romeo and Juliet had an unhappy ending.

Even it is just fantasy, I don't know why anyone would find the idea romantic.

December 15, 2011

ManBTM,

I will try to put this as gently as I can: This woman does NOT love you.

She had many opportunities in the past quarter of a century to be with you, but she chose two other men to marry. No, it's not a matter of timing. Women do crazy things when they're in love. She treats you as a friend with whom she had friendly sex occasionally. I know numerous people in your situation. These women seem angelic but they're manipulative. They use these friends-lovers for all kinds of purposes: to receive comfort, support, compassion, company, sex, money... they'll take whatever you have to give. They're not necessarily bad people - it's just that men like you offer themselves for free. I have a friend who was a victim of something like this. He was in love for decades. He got over her when he realized that she never truly loved him.

To you, Ann is a goddess that fell from heaven. To her, you're just a convenience store where she stops by once every so often, when she needs something. I wish you to start loving her just as much as she loves you - and that's very little. Maybe she loves you as a friend, but not as a man.

And you want to leave your loving wife for this woman? Does Ann have a pet? If yes, I bet you she cares more about her pet than about you. And I echo your words:

Call me niave, but I really don't think this goes beyond that.

You have to forget this slippery woman once and for all. You have to understand that she is no soul mate of yours, because if she were, you would've been together. She is your obsession. No matter how fun and cute she may be, she is just another human creature in this world and you must relieve yourself of the chains you've put around your heart because of her.

You will meet her for lunch and hook up and cheat on your wife, and everything will go downward from there. You will end up hurt because Ann will stick to her pattern of choosing other men over you. She knows when the timing is right to pull you in and to push you away when you're not needed anymore. You allow yourself to be reeled in again, you'll destroy your marriage - and you won't end up with Ann anyway.

The wise thing to do is to cancel the lunch, delete her from your contacts, and never take her call, email, or talk to her again. You mentioned a few times emotions getting out of control. I know exactly what that means. But looking back, I allowed my emotions to get out of control. I let stupid emotions control me and dictate my actions. You can't control your emotions but you can control your actions and your thoughts-and those will shepherd the emotions and keep them in a safe place.

Edited December 15, 2011 by RecordProducer

December 15, 2011

ManBTM,

I will try to put this as gently as I can: This woman does NOT love you.

She had many opportunities in the past quarter of a century to be with you, but she chose two other men to marry. No, it's not a matter of timing. Women do crazy things when they're in love. She treats you as a friend with whom she had friendly sex occasionally. I know numerous people in your situation. These women seem angelic but they're manipulative. They use these friends-lovers for all kinds of purposes: to receive comfort, support, compassion, company, sex, money... they'll take whatever you have to give. They're not necessarily bad people - it's just that men like you offer themselves for free. I have a friend who was a victim of something like this. He was in love for decades. He got over her when he realized that she never truly loved him.

To you, Ann is a goddess that fell from heaven. To her, you're just a convenience store where she stops by once every so often, when she needs something. I wish you to start loving her just as much as she loves you - and that's very little. Maybe she loves you as a friend, but not as a man.

And you want to leave your loving wife for this woman? Does Ann have a pet? If yes, I bet you she cares more about her pet than about you. And I echo your words:

You have to forget this slippery woman once and for all. You have to understand that she is no soul mate of yours, because if she were, you would've been together. She is your obsession. No matter how fun and cute she may be, she is just another human creature in this world and you must relieve yourself of the chains you've put around your heart because of her.

You will meet her for lunch and hook up and cheat on your wife, and everything will go downward from there. You will end up hurt because Ann will stick to her pattern of choosing other men over you. She knows when the timing is right to pull you in and to push you away when you're not needed anymore. You allow yourself to be reeled in again, you'll destroy your marriage - and you won't end up with Ann anyway.

The wise thing to do is to cancel the lunch, delete her from your contacts, and never take her call, email, or talk to her again. You mentioned a few times emotions getting out of control. I know exactly what that means. But looking back, I allowed my emotions to get out of control. I let stupid emotions control me and dictate my actions. You can't control your emotions but you can control your actions and your thoughts-and those will shepherd the emotions and keep them in a safe place.

I think you have hit on a number of good points here. I do think Ann can be manipulative, in fact I felt very much manipulated and felt like a shmuck in fact many years ago for "wasting" so much time fawning over her when the outcome for me was nothing! And I think this lunch may be more about making her feel better about herself and the way things ended than it is about any lost love for me. I am starting to realize these things and all of your posts are helping me with that.

It seems everyone is fully convinced that we are headed to a PA and that is just not the case. I'm not going to just meet her and whisk her off to a hotel room somewhere - it's not gonna happen and I think that after this lunch it will likely be years before we see each other again. Meeting face to face w/ her is not easy and would be very difficult to do on a regular basis even if we wanted it. We're both very very busy and hours apart. So the dynamics of "reality" don't even lend themselves to a PA even if I wanted it...which I do not.

Like I said earlier, when I first posted this thread emotions were STRONG! Scary strong in fact. Yes, I have always thought about Ann and she will always have a special place in my heart, but I reacted too strongly in my wording of earlier posts - it was as if I left reality for a bit in the rush of emotions that came from first talking to her after so long! I am glad we did not physically meet in the first few days of contact otherwise I'm not certain what could have happened. But now I think it's different.

December 15, 2011

I think you have hit on a number of good points here. I do think Ann can be manipulative, in fact I felt very much manipulated and felt like a shmuck in fact many years ago for "wasting" so much time fawning over her when the outcome for me was nothing! And I think this lunch may be more about making her feel better about herself and the way things ended than it is about any lost love for me. I am starting to realize these things and all of your posts are helping me with that.

It seems everyone is fully convinced that we are headed to a PA and that is just not the case. I'm not going to just meet her and whisk her off to a hotel room somewhere - it's not gonna happen and I think that after this lunch it will likely be years before we see each other again. Meeting face to face w/ her is not easy and would be very difficult to do on a regular basis even if we wanted it. We're both very very busy and hours apart. So the dynamics of "reality" don't even lend themselves to a PA even if I wanted it...which I do not.

Like I said earlier, when I first posted this thread emotions were STRONG! Scary strong in fact. Yes, I have always thought about Ann and she will always have a special place in my heart, but I reacted too strongly in my wording of earlier posts - it was as if I left reality for a bit in the rush of emotions that came from first talking to her after so long! I am glad we did not physically meet in the first few days of contact otherwise I'm not certain what could have happened. But now I think it's different.

Not everyone is convinced you are headed to a full PA. Some, like myself, have told you it really doesn't matter whether you take it to a full PA or not. You head and heart is already engaged and occupied with this woman, you are already deceiving your wife, and those things are fully capable of killing a marriage and the intimacy it needs to thrive - you don't need a PA to do that.

Also, you seem to think your new less-emotional state is a shift rather than what it is - a temporary state. It is not unusual to downplay your emotions and involvement when you are about to take the next step. It's typical to rationalize that it is not that big of a deal, it won't hurt your W or end your M - because it seems you are not ready to think about ending your M. But the flood of emotions will likely come back within a week or two after you have met. They didn't disappear, you didn't work through them and change. Rather, you've just put them aside, as most people do, in order to take the next step.

December 15, 2011

Question -

If you yourself don't believe that this is headed to an affair ~

Why did you post it on an infidelity site?

To continue with what someone else said "She's had plenty of time to be with YOU but she choose 2 others" - You TOO had opportunity to at least tell her how you felt. Way Back When. But you made the decision NOT to say anything. WHY? I know it's hind-site at this point but there had to be SOME reason why you didn't tell her how you felt.

December 15, 2011

Wow!! Why don't we wait and see what happens? Why jump to conclusions about how he'll feel and what he'll do?

I agree with those who think that you Man are in love with Ann. But I think you are in love with someone you don't actually know anymore. So meet with her but bear in mind that you need to see her for who she is and not buy into whatever she may want to portray. She may be manipulative or she may have had her reasons for not choosing you. The key is to have questions you need to ask her and then listen to her answers. Whatever you do, make a decision not to rush into something with her. If...and only if you still feel the same way, then the time will come for you to make a decision about getting a divorce.

December 15, 2011

Op,

if I were in your wife's shoes, I think I'd want much more honesty from you than you are giving. You are lying to her, and she doesn't see it. If the situation was reversed, wouldn't you like to know your wife was going to have lunch and spend the day with some guy she still held a torch for and that it wasn't just some innocent lunch? that she wasn't going half hoping there'd be some kind of "love story' moment?

If you tell your wife the truth about your feelings for this woman, she may be okay with you meeting this woman, she may tell you she doesn't want you to go, she may be hurt and angry and tell you to leave and go be with your "soul mate'. who knows? but at least you'd be honest, and isn't that the type of person you'd like to be? do you think your wife wants to be seen as some kind of consolation prize because you couldn't be with ann?

about ann...please be sure you are not projecting your strong feels of love for her and seeing her as having feelings for you that may not be there.

if you do go and meet her, and it turns out that there is not great 'love story', what will you do?

December 16, 2011

Question -
If you yourself don't believe that this is headed to an affair ~
Why did you post it on an infidelity site?

To continue with what someone else said "She's had plenty of time to be with YOU but she choose 2 others" - You TOO had opportunity to at least tell her how you felt. Way Back When. But you made the decision NOT to say anything. WHY? I know it's hind-site at this point but there had to be SOME reason why you didn't tell her how you felt.

Oh, but I did trust me - There is NO DOUBT Ann knew exactly how I felt about her back "way back when". We had long conversations about it and feelings, I thought at least, were mutual. The "end" was rather sudden, without warning and not a lot has been said since. I honestly think she was scared and for whatever reason was not ready to face what she was feeling. Or maybe she just did not love me after all. I don't know. But I absolutely let her know how I felt - it did not end for a lack of effort on my part, that's for sure. Maybe the opposite in fact...

December 16, 2011

if you do go and meet her, and it turns out that there is not great 'love story', what will you do?

Move on with life...I'm not looking for a great love story at this point. I want to have lunch, it will be great to see her and yeah I guess I am looking for some closure, but I realize that the "reality" of the situation is that we're not going to get together and it probably would not work if we did. I know I'm probably contradicting things I've said earlier and obviously my head is f'd up but that's where I am right now. I also realize we're never going to just be "friends" because we could never last long in that capacity without taking it where it should not go.

I'll let you all know how it goes soon.

December 16, 2011

Wow!! Why don't we wait and see what happens? Why jump to conclusions about how he'll feel and what he'll do?

I agree with those who think that you Man are in love with Ann. But I think you are in love with someone you don't actually know anymore. So meet with her but bear in mind that you need to see her for who she is and not buy into whatever she may want to portray. She may be manipulative or she may have had her reasons for not choosing you. The key is to have questions you need to ask her and then listen to her answers. Whatever you do, make a decision not to rush into something with her. If...and only if you still feel the same way, then the time will come for you to make a decision about getting a divorce.

Agree with everything here, and I do have some questions that I want to ask. I'm not rushing into anything and I don't even think there is anything to rush in to. Maybe I'm being naive about HER motives for the meeting (remember, she contacted me), but I doubt she is looking to divorce her H and destroy her family because she finally realizes I'm the man she should have been with all along. Maybe she has come to that conclusion, I don't know...but I doubt it. Maybe she is just looking for a PA and thinks I'm an easy target? I guess I will find all of this out soon enough....

December 16, 2011

It seems everyone is fully convinced that we are headed to a PA and that is just not the case. I'm not going to just meet her and whisk her off to a hotel room somewhere - it's not gonna happen and I think that after this lunch it will likely be years before we see each other again. Meeting face to face w/ her is not easy and would be very difficult to do on a regular basis even if we wanted it. We're both very very busy and hours apart. So the dynamics of "reality" don't even lend themselves to a PA even if I wanted it...which I do not.

This is beyond your problem. The problem lies in your feelings for her. If you met a new woman today and decided to cheat on your wife, your situation would resemble that of many other couples. But your situation is different. The danger for you is that you've allowed yourself to be "possessed" by this woman in a very self-destructive way.

Like I said earlier, when I first posted this thread emotions were STRONG! Scary strong in fact. Yes, I have always thought about Ann and she will always have a special place in my heart, but I reacted too strongly in my wording of earlier posts - it was as if I left reality for a bit in the rush of emotions that came from first talking to her after so long! I am glad we did not physically meet in the first few days of contact otherwise I'm not certain what could have happened. But now I think it's different.

Sorry, but you know this is not true. You only cooled off when her messages became cool. She has you wrapped around her little finger and you'd do whatever she wants at a snap of her fingers.

Have some dignity and sense of self, please. This woman is neither your friend nor your lover. She is bad news. Leave her where she belongs: in the past.

Edited December 16, 2011 by RecordProducer

December 16, 2011

Not everyone is convinced you are headed to a full PA. Some, like myself, have told you it really doesn't matter whether you take it to a full PA or not. You head and heart is already engaged and occupied with this woman, you are already deceiving your wife, and those things are fully capable of killing a marriage and the intimacy it needs to thrive - you don't need a PA to do that.

That's very well said.

Even if the destination of your journey is as you expect (no PA), consider what the journey itself says about both you and your marriage.

^ I always sound like an overly pretentious motivational speaker when I'm drunk.

Edited December 16, 2011 by Severely Unamused

December 17, 2011

Train wreck.

Ann had many chances to choose you. Do not make ANY excuses to yourself why she didn't. If she wanted you, trust me... she would have moved heaven on earth to get you. She did not.

She is bored or needs attention at this stage in her life, from someone she thinks worships her (you). She has no intention (just like before) of being with you.

You are PLAYING WITH FIRE. You will be sorry, mark my words. I know how thrilling it feels now, but in the end, you will regret doing it.

I bet my 401k on this too.

(Man, it's hard to have learned from experience. )

December 17, 2011

ManBTM,

I will try to put this as gently as I can: This woman does NOT love you.

She had many opportunities in the past quarter of a century to be with you, but she chose two other men to marry. No, it's not a matter of timing. Women do crazy things when they're in love. She treats you as a friend with whom she had friendly sex occasionally. I know numerous people in your situation. These women seem angelic but they're manipulative. They use these friends-lovers for all kinds of purposes: to receive comfort, support, compassion, company, sex, money... they'll take whatever you have to give. They're not necessarily bad people - it's just that men like you offer themselves for free. I have a friend who was a victim of something like this. He was in love for decades. He got over her when he realized that she never truly loved him.

To you, Ann is a goddess that fell from heaven. To her, you're just a convenience store where she stops by once every so often, when she needs something. I wish you to start loving her just as much as she loves you - and that's very little. Maybe she loves you as a friend, but not as a man.

And you want to leave your loving wife for this woman? Does Ann have a pet? If yes, I bet you she cares more about her pet than about you. And I echo your words:

You have to forget this slippery woman once and for all. You have to understand that she is no soul mate of yours, because if she were, you would've been together. She is your obsession. No matter how fun and cute she may be, she is just another human creature in this world and you must relieve yourself of the chains you've put around your heart because of her.

You will meet her for lunch and hook up and cheat on your wife, and everything will go downward from there. You will end up hurt because Ann will stick to her pattern of choosing other men over you. She knows when the timing is right to pull you in and to push you away when you're not needed anymore. You allow yourself to be reeled in again, you'll destroy your marriage - and you won't end up with Ann anyway.

The wise thing to do is to cancel the lunch, delete her from your contacts, and never take her call, email, or talk to her again. You mentioned a few times emotions getting out of control. I know exactly what that means. But looking back, I allowed my emotions to get out of control. I let stupid emotions control me and dictate my actions. You can't control your emotions but you can control your actions and your thoughts-and those will shepherd the emotions and keep them in a safe place.

Yes, yes, and YES.

But he won't do it. He will go through it the hard way. I understand that, but in the end it hurts SO much more.

December 17, 2011

Train wreck.

Ann had many chances to choose you. Do not make ANY excuses to yourself why she didn't. If she wanted you, trust me... she would have moved heaven on earth to get you. She did not.

She is bored or needs attention at this stage in her life, from someone she thinks worships her (you). She has no intention (just like before) of being with you.

You are PLAYING WITH FIRE. You will be sorry, mark my words. I know how thrilling it feels now, but in the end, you will regret doing it.

I bet my 401k on this too.

(Man, it's hard to have learned from experience. )

I hear you, but don't you think "this time it's different" can really be true sometimes? Even if it's .01% of the time?

We did meet and spent several hours together and it was of course fantastic. A lot of things were said and I will post a recap for everyone since the advice here is so helpful (even though many will curse me for not following it!), I just can't do it today. The long and short of it is..I think her relationship may be ending in the coming months/year and I will let that happen without interference. If it does, that's fine and I don't know what, if anything, would happen with us going forward. Obviously lots to think about...

December 17, 2011

I hear you, but don't you think "this time it's different" can really be true sometimes? Even if it's .01% of the time?

We did meet and spent several hours together and it was of course fantastic. A lot of things were said and I will post a recap for everyone since the advice here is so helpful (even though many will curse me for not following it!), I just can't do it today. The long and short of it is..I think her relationship may be ending in the coming months/year and I will let that happen without interference. If it does, that's fine and I don't know what, if anything, would happen with us going forward. Obviously lots to think about...

That doesn't sound very different at all. Although you could make it different by telling your W about your meeting and that you might want a future with OW rather than with your W if OW becomes available and is interested. That would afford your W the opportunity of knowing your M commitment has changed and she can plan her own future accordingly.

December 17, 2011

That doesn't sound very different at all. Although you could make it different by telling your W about your meeting and that you might want a future with OW rather than with your W if OW becomes available and is interested. That would afford your W the opportunity of knowing your M commitment has changed and she can plan her own future accordingly.

I meant different in the sense that sometimes these things work out, albiet rarely. I agree with you and will either have this conversation or move to permanent NC soon...those are only options.

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