jpmorris Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 My big sister's been dating this guy forever. I liked him at first, but I guess it was about 2 years ago that I really started to not like him. They're living together and have been for about 3 years. The guy is 30 and he's freaking filthy rich. And the reason I don't like him is because I think he has changed my sister, he's taken advantage of her. Not saying that she's innocent, she shouldn't have moved in with him and come on- 4 years, no proposal- it's not gonna happen. Also, a 30 year old man who has a LIVE-IN GIRLFRIEND is ridiculous... a bit immature don't you think? I may just be 19 but I know my sh@t. Anyway, his job requires lots of traveling during a certain part of the year (it's pretty awesome though) and my sister doesn't have a job or anything, she just follows him around. And she hardly ever goes out with friends anymore, and if she does hang out with a friend, they always go to her, she doesn't travel to see them. It's like her whole d@mn world revolves around a man who won't marry her after FOUR YEARS... I know she thinks it's important, but if the guy doesn't wanna marry her, he doesn't need to... but if he doesn't love her enough to give her the security of a marriage after this long, knowing she wants marriage, then they need to end things. Instead, he's keeping her around to cook and clean and all that good stuff. And I know a lot of people may think marriage is overrated, but I don't. I think if you're in love then it's great- to give eachother that security and to devote yourself to who you love. That's deep, and I hope I have that one day...although I couldn't imagine getting married anytime soon, I think that by the time I'm in my late 20's or 30, I will be ready. And if "he's just not ready" then she must not be the one, because it doesn't take 4 years to just "get ready". All this is driving me crazy. She doesn't even have a job, she graduated college with like a 3.5 GPA. She's always worked and used to be really ambitious...and now she's doing nothing. My sister and I used to be so close and she has changed so much. She even looks different. She's lost a lot of weight, she looks anorexic skinny, her hair is all stringy. I mean I think she is beautiful because she's family- she's my sister, but compared to what she used to look like, meh. And she smiles and laughs and stuff but she doesn't look truly happy, like she used to. I don't know why she is doing this. The guy is torturing her by leading her on, but she acts like everything is okay and that she loves him. She doesn't love him, or she wouldn't be the way she is... But I have lost hope that they're ever gonna break up. He wants her around for the company and maid service, and she doesn't have a job or her own d@mn life anymore, and she avoids conflict like no other, so they're still probably gonna be dating this time 2 years from now. And she's gonna throw away the second half of her 20's on a loser who doesn't deserve her. Alright...I needed to have a b!tchfest to some people who didn't know me personally, because I know I'm obsessed with this, so I came here. Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Tough to see your sister lose who she is, but it's her choice. She may be happy, or may not be .. Who knows, never know what goes on behind closed doors. Your expectation of marriage is yours, not hers, and maybe she's okay with living with him. She IS getting something out of this, which is why they're still together. Make a decision, either accept the situation as it is, love her and support her choice in staying with this guy, if it ever ends then you can help her through it all, but until (if) they break up, I suggest you make peace with this, otherwise you might lose her, she'll choose him over you. Don't tell her how you feel about him and their living arrangements, instead make effort to spend time with her and have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jpmorris Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 I think you're a bit in la-la-land ... about happiness and ****. It's killing the OP because it is his sister after all. He mentioned : - anorexia - being his personal servant around the world - lack of ambition I think his sister is either in a depression or very low self-esteem. If it's LSE, know that it was most likely always there. Either way, you are right ... there is nothing he can do atm, except to accept the situation and be ready for her when and if she does leave him. No no no I didn't mean for it to sound like she actually was anorexic... She just used to be muscular and eat super healthy, but she has just lost weight, and she just doesn't look good. I can't really explain what I was getting at when I said that...you know how people just look happy, vibrant and healthy when they are truly happy and/or truly in love? Well she just doesn't look like that anymore. You know what I mean? And yes, she is his personal servant and does lack the ambition that she used to have. Low self esteem- you hit the nail on the head with that one. Just looking at her and your first impression of her would make you think that she was confident and all that, but on the inside she's not. I think she just wants to feel needed. She falls for guys too easily and she's too much of a "people-pleaser", so much that she would give up her identity (obviously) for someone she cares about....which is exactly the point of this post. And you are right. All I can do is accept this and be there for her WHEN they do break up (I try not to say if...even though I am losing hope). They're just not good for each other. It's just a weird feeling I have. I don't really know how they've lasted so long...well I kind of do because like I said, she will mold into whatever he wants her to be I guess. I mean he's a pretty nice guy and I'm polite to him. I'm not going to be disrespectful, but I do not like him. There's just something there that I can't put my finger on.... Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Why would you want her to get married if you know that the BF is not right for her? It seems like he's a control freak and if they do get married, say goodbye to your sister! I mean he will do everything needed to keep her from seeing you and your family. I have this same situation with my childhood friend and his wife. After they got married, my communication with him stopped! Like you, I use to have a great relationship with my friend (we hung out a lot)! But after he started dating her, he suddenly lost a lot of weight (stress) and said everything was fine. Yeah right, I can obviously see there is a problem! Yes it is her life! But you should at least tell her how you feel this? But its really up to her to decide what's best for her! Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Reminds me of that new show Monster in Law. Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Four years isn't necessarily long enough to date to get married. A lot of men don't really settle into the idea of getting married until their late 20s. Some are a little slow. And it sounds like your sister herself is fairly young - 23? So she's been dating this guy since her teens or so? Lots of couples in which one or both people are not yet in their mid-20s will date for four or more years before getting engaged. You are very smart to note, however, that the odds of getting engaged drop as the years go by. It's not the length in itself that speaks volumes. But after so long, we have a decent enough idea of our partner and a decent enough idea of whether or not it will work out. After 4 years, you're not going to be learning as rapidly about your partner as you may have in the first year or two. Usually it takes so long to get engaged because one or more partners don't want to...or because one of the partners is waiting for better. But there's really nothing you can do here. Several years ago, I dated an absolute jerk that my brother hated. To be fair, I even hated the guy after a while. But he respected me enough not to intervene, and he was a listening ear when I complained about him and finally decided to leave him. Afterward, he let me know how long he'd had misgivings about my ex. You have to respect her. Be there for her. Try to encourage her to get out more or invite her along when you're participating in an activity. Getting her out there may get her out of her funk and remind her that she doesn't need a loser. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 (edited) Yada yada yada ... Maybe tell your sister to get a freaking job and make her own money so she doesnt have to rely on a man for a future. Just because the guy is filthy rich doesnt mean he should share any of it with your jobless sister if he doesnt want to. Edited December 2, 2011 by musemaj11 Link to post Share on other sites
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