A Greater understandng of GIGS.....

[smokey bear]

after 1.5 years i think my ex is in the bargaining stage. for the past 4 months he uses excuses to get in touch with me but its randomly.... like weeks/a month apart. he has been in another relationship since 3 weeks after we broke up. we were together for 7 years.

 

Call him out on it, ask him why he does it...

[wilsonx]

no its too early to call him out on it.

 

If it hurts you stay locked down on NC and I know it hurts you.

 

You give good advice but there is something I picked up on in most gigs threads and you said it in my thread last night when I was drunk. I also noticed this when you first posted on LS in this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t306122/ .

 

A lot of people use the word compassion and that word did not sit with me right in terms of breakups. I have heard over and over, show them compassion towards their suffering. In your own thread there when you talked to him you made fun of his angry eye brows. I did the same thing to you on your very first post here. I hurt your feelings, I was typing to be right but at the same time I was wrong. I did not show empathy for your feelings. Because I am logically right, doesnt mean I was right at all. In a relationship, it actually means I am wrong.

 

In your very first thread instead of arguing with you, I should have saw your feelings on the topic. I saw that you felt hurt and wanted to share your hurt with others in the form of teaching them GIGS. You even warned me in this very thread and you were right. I have learned to show empathy. I put myself in your shoes and said hey if I had some person come in and attack me while I was feeling hurt and trying to help others, I would argue back to. Look at my thread, people were attacking me and my feelings on the topic instead of showing me empathy and what did I do, I rationalized it, defended myself and attacked back. Like you did to me when you first came here.

 

Food for thought

 

The point of this is post is if you can't put yourself in his shoes ginastaar and seeing how he feels and showing empathy without extreme hurt to yourself, then don't break NC.

 

From my observation based on the timeline, you are not ready. I believe in the stages of GIGS to a point but theres more to it then whats black and white. If you do not get to the root cause of something reconciliation is impossible. We are so ego driven we sometimes forget to show empathy towards others. If I can not understand a womans feelings, how can I show her empathy. I cant built human intimacy and trust with her. She's going to feel distance from and make her feel small to the point where she runs just like you did with your ex and your story on him drinking. The drinking wasn't the cause of you running, it was that you felt lonely and he never knew or learned how to show you empathy or see and understand your feelings because he was blinded by being drunk. My ex said in the break speech, you were a good boyfriend you weren't a great boyfriend. That never made sense to me until recently. I never understood and acknowledged her feelings when she opened up to me and expressed them to me. I was so withdrawn in my ego driven mind, I either fought them or ran away from them. I judged her to be crazy when in fact she was telling me the entire time what I was doing wrong. I was the crazy one

 

My instincts told me this and thats why I broke NC in my own thread. I think theres more to it and there is. Its my job to meet her and understand her feelings and show her empathy and that is my plan tonight. By showing her empathy, I will start to rebuild trust in her again so that the coldness and walls come down. It has nothing to do with being sexy =) Thats just a plus

Edited December 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[ginastar]

Wait is this whole empathy thing towards me?

 

I already responded to my ex. its fine. I dont really see the point of calling him out on him contacting me. What would that solve??

 

I had been pretty much NC for majority of the past year so I felt it was good for me to hear what he had to say.Basically he wanted to let me know that he is gods gift to women. HA. but at the same time he said how he misses me, thnks about me, "loved me" , etc. I will go back to NC now.

[wilsonx]

no sorry, smokey

 

wow egocentrism at its finest... sorry you had to hear that. I get to look forward to that tonight =)

 

My best friend got that phone call from his ex last night... how she was dating and banging so many other guys and he failed that test hardcore.

 

How did you react gina when he told you that? Im curious after a year

Edited December 6, 2011 by wilsonx

[ginastar]

it made me laugh. he is telling me how he is out getting chicks but he is in a relationship. hmmmm. was he trying to make me jealous or trying to look cool....i really dont know?

it also made me laugh bc how everyone says that is the common thing for gigs people. i love how smokey said "gigs high horse"

[wilsonx]

Its absolutely true, he's trying to make you jealous of him and you played it cool. Good job. You are not done hearing from him yet.

 

I have the debbie downer tonight thats struggling, I avoided the high horse part of gigs like a champ. Ill let you go how that works out =) Im pretty sure my high horse was much better then hers if we had to measure with sticks

[ginastar]

oh you had gigs too??

Good Luck tonight!

[wilsonx]

i was talking about the stuff Ive done in the past 6 months compared to my gigs ex right now...

 

But you did a good job with the high horse thing

[ginastar]

ohhh i get it now. yea, i dont know how my ex will ever get over the whole being conceited thing....seems like he may never.

[smokey bear]

Well they all fall off their high horse someday, my ex has nearly fixed our relationship problem, he can talk to me openly and honestly now.

 

When i got the im going to jump other people bones speach, i just said...

 

Well wear protection, i went nc then, this is the part i dont want to hear about.

 

I got the same as you Wilson, our 7 year relationship was good and he was happy until the last few months.....

 

I even got hut with i deserve better and ill make a man proud someday.... ouch that one stung......

 

My gigs case is quite easy because my ex is quite straight thinking, i didnt want to say simple, thats putting him down.

 

Basically he wants to go sow his seeds to put it politely.

 

Funny thing is, he's not that type of guy, we will see how he gets on.

 

The main thing, its all about me now, im focusing on me now, ive spent 4 months forcused on him, documenting his gigs. Its me time now, got to get me back now.

[ginastar]

wait smokey, i am confused with your situation. you had gigs and now someone broke up with you because they have gigs?

 

you were with him for 7 years?

 

my ex has been in a relationship since 3 weeks after out break up though, and he currently still is, so i dont know exactly if its a gigs situation or if he is just going to stay with her and end up marrying her.

[smokey bear]

yes i had gigs and came back, now my ex has gigs symptoms

[ginastar]

so you got back together with the guy you dumped? and now he has it? wow.

 

so how do you know if my ex has gigs ? like how would i know if hes just not going to go and marry this girl who hes been with ?

[smokey bear]

I saw this and just had to post it, one day ill come back and expand on it but just now i cant, i don't understand it fully to comment yet but i know its 100% correct.

 

 

The GIGS-er as a personality type is usually the one that's the wrong person for everybody. They expect from others to be flawless and ironically, usually hook up with the worst people after dumping the one with a flaw. They're not relationship material because they refuse to look within themselves and accept the remote possibility that maybe, just maybe, it's them who always screw up.

[stunned8165]

I saw this and just had to post it, one day ill come back and expand on it but just now i cant, i don't understand it fully to comment yet but i know its 100% correct.

 

 

The GIGS-er as a personality type is usually the one that's the wrong person for everybody. They expect from others to be flawless and ironically, usually hook up with the worst people after dumping the one with a flaw. They're not relationship material because they refuse to look within themselves and accept the remote possibility that maybe, just maybe, it's them who always screw up.

 

 

Oh yeah. Thats my ex all the way. Everyone was wrong but her.

[smokey bear]

Wilson said in a post earlier that he used to think gigs was a negative thing but now he see's it as positive and it is, its the best thing that can happen to these types of people, the people described in the post above.

[leoc1973]

Smokey I could hug you because you hit my ex on the head so hard you wouldn't believe it. Very brief summary: ex and I perfect relationship never a fight not one ever. Our personalities are so identical its scary its like we were made for each other. Her looks and body type are literally exactly what I go for and She says mine are for her too I mean if ya like the tall dark and handsome type! LOL

 

We were about to take that next big step. We were supposed to move away together and get married. All of the sudden boom she tells me she doesn't want me to go with her. She packed her whole life literally in like 3 days and just left. She acted like she could care less about me after telling me weeks before how I am the best man ever. She could want nothing more.

 

I asked her for a chance to maybe date take it slow ect. she said NO! she loves her life. This was about a month ago and she also sprung on me that she has a boyfriend. When I found out who her boyfriend was He is exact opposite to me in like every way. Blonde short very unattractive(I am not just saying that she even said it) but what ever looks don't mean every thign I am not shallow so she doesn't have to be either. She is very intellegent and she loved our conversation this guy is a totaly moron. Not just saying any of this stuff because I would have liked to be dumped for something better not worse. Also he has 3 she hates kids she hates when a guy has kids that she is dating she also always hated that he has been married twice before she always said she wanted to be married one time with a guy that has only been married one time.

 

It has been 7 months since our breakup she came sniffing around a month ago when she heard I was seeing someone and as soon as I stopped seeing the new girl she literally disappeared again. Now she has been NC again for a month. I did make the mistake of telling her a month ago that I still wanted her back.

 

I don't know if I gave you enough info but If I really was her "soulmate" and the "love of her life" like she said to me a month ago. Till she found out I wasn't seeing any one again. Tell me Smokey what stage do you think she is in providing she does have gigs? if ya need more info lemme know.

[wilsonx]

quit being a doormat and start being a man. I posted in my thread I would have put her in her place if she ever gave me that line she gave you. You want her to respect you, reject her. Have some truth in your life that she can't penetrate. This is who I am and no one will be able to break me from it. If she breaks your truth in who you are, she wont be attracted to you and she will leave again.

 

for the longest time, I thought the same way you did, why did my ex leave me for a pos loser, well at the time that pos loser had integrity, strength, confidence and truth in him. Turned out to be fake which she later realized but I had lost all this in my relationship. She even yelled at me and said why did you not tell me to knock it off like you have before. She's right, I did tell her to knock that **** off in the past but I just gave up this time around. I lost my truth in myself.

[leoc1973]

Wilson thanks for that! I have done this a month ago! I told her we are done don't bother me anymore have a nice life... I also deleted her from facebook(finally) blocked her on google chat aim chat yahoo chat. skype. name it. Obviously I still want her back. I am glad that you told me to do that actually you told me a month ago I think smokey did too. So now a month later I guess I am wondering if she really did truely love me like I think she did/does. what stage will she be at did I push her into a different stage a month ago when I caved again. I mean she is sitting there pretty much making me feel like she made a mistake and soon as I say lets try again its "nope" sorry can't do it I gotta do me bla bla bla. I am 95% sure she will come sniffing around again soon how do i act? do I tell her leave me alone or grow up or what? I can have a spine when it comes down to it because I have been getting a lot of attention and lovin from other girls lately. I guess I am asking how do I blow her off but still leave the door open. Is it possible?

[smokey bear]

Just slam the door shut, yesterday for the first time i grabbed my theoretical balls and let rip, i let it all out, the whole truth and said im better than this and respect myself too much that im going to walk away.

 

Im the boss, i always was the boss, a fair one though, i refuse to play the game anymore, the game with myself, im not being true to myself, im not standing up for myself, i melt when he contacts me and become this sorry mush, not anymore.

 

Im a strong woman and im going to be strong.

 

Whats the worst that can happen, he doesnt come back, heaven forbid i find someone better.

 

 

Ill move on ill find better, im enjoying being single right now.

 

Of course she still loves you, she told you a month ago, she loves you while with another guy, have faith in yourself, get your balls back.

 

Id say she's stage 2-3 she hasnt left her gigs guy yet.

[smokey bear]

quit being a doormat and start being a man. I posted in my thread I would have put her in her place if she ever gave me that line she gave you. You want her to respect you, reject her. Have some truth in your life that she can't penetrate. This is who I am and no one will be able to break me from it. If she breaks your truth in who you are, she wont be attracted to you and she will leave again.

 

for the longest time, I thought the same way you did, why did my ex leave me for a pos loser, well at the time that pos loser had integrity, strength, confidence and truth in him. Turned out to be fake which she later realized but I had lost all this in my relationship. She even yelled at me and said why did you not tell me to knock it off like you have before. She's right, I did tell her to knock that **** off in the past but I just gave up this time around. I lost my truth in myself.

 

 

Do you know something wilson, your right normally i would tell him to get a grip in the past too and i havent, why do we lose ourselves, we are as much at fault as they are, their lost so are we!

[smokey bear]

Thanks for this post, it answered one of my last remaining questions on the subject. If you could find the actual report i would like to read it.

 

I was at a friends house yesterday and had some time to kill. I have been reading a lot on gigs lately. Although not as much as you but I have been pretty much consuming every piece of literature I could get my hands on. I am also hoping that my ex has GIGS. Anyways while I was reading yesterday I stumbled onto something that says there was some kind of study done. At Duke or Yale or Harvard, I forget which.

 

This piece of literature stated that the consequence part of the brain isn't completely developed in humans till around the age of 25. I immediately started thinking that if you put 2 and 2 together you might come up with the same kind of idea as I did.

 

Usually a Gigs dumper is between 18 and 25... they are usually in a great relationship. yada yada yada... I am thinking maybe they dump you and then at around the age of 25 when the consequence part of the brain does completely develope thats when it "hits" them. I was wondering how old you were when it "hit"you? Maybe it has nothing to do with this "syndrome" but more to do with your brain growing up and you saying holy Crap what did I do?

 

I will keep looking for that study I read but I don't seem to be able to find it.

 

Thoughts???

[smokey bear]

Im getting close to the point where i can close the door on this theory, I done a little research on the above post and found the following

 

http://www.trans4mind.com/mind-development/stages-development.html

 

The full theory behind it, all to do with cognitive developement, it also goes on to reflect on the ego as well etc, its just too much reading to post on here so ive picked out the main parts.

 

Gigs, which i thought was originally influenced by being egocentric is actually the development of the ego. Which is part of the whole cognitive development to adulthood.

 

The ego

A common misunderstanding is in place these days about the nature of Ego and the importance of its development. It is commonly misidentified with the concept of egocentrism: the selfish or "bigheaded" personality, which is actually a trait of a person with a weak and undeveloped Ego.

 

There is no point in not having an I, as without an I there can be no awareness of oneself as a human being. Your ego is essential we all have one.

 

The process of transcending the Ego, is often misinterpreted as meaning to erase the Ego but in fact the opposite is the case.

 

Transcending is the Gigs process.

 

To transcend does not mean to disappear, it means "to no longer be limited by," or "to grow beyond in an integrated way."

 

autonomous ego, The end result of gigs.

 

 

Superego: that part of the personality which influences self-observation, self-criticism, and other reflective activities. That part of the mind in which parental introjects are located (Wilson you were correct that your childhood etc was involved in all this). The Superego differs from the Conscience in that:

 

a) it belongs to a different frame of reference, i.e. morality not ethics (what one should do, rather than whether it is right or wrong)

 

b) it includes unconscious elements

 

c) injunctions and inhibitions emanating from it derive from the subject's past and may be in conflict with his present ethical values.

 

 

We are all born without any Ego strength. For that matter, we are all born without an Ego. Being born without any sense of Ego means that at first there is no 'I,' there is only enmeshment. We come into this world still attached and enmeshed with our mother and without the ability to distinguish ourselves from her. We develop more and more of a sense of self as we face reality. Gradually, as we grow and interact with the world, we work through the stages of Ego development. This is the process by which we become an autonomous, inner-directed human being. We call this process Individuation

 

 

Ego autonomy- To think outside the box, See others point of view etc.

 

Achieving Individuation, or a fully harmonious and integrated personality, is a primary goal. To come to our full realization, we must become aware of and accept the full range of our being, This means that the public self that we present is only a small part of who and what we are.

 

To become integrated we must accept the dark side of our nature with our primitive impulses such as selfishness and greed. Acceptance of our 'dark side' or Shadow does not imply being dominated by this dimension of our being but simply recognizing that this is a part of our nature.

 

Im sure we all know what our shadow, dark side, super ego is ( why Gigs sufferers are so confused, they are fighting their shadow)

 

 

At the end of the Individuation process, an individual is at least a 51% shareholder in his own mind. In that sense, he has integrated the Ego and the Shadow, and achieved sufficient Individuation to overcome the Superego, so he has majority control.

 

 

Cognitive Maturity

 

 

Maturity is completeness of growth and development. There are three components to this process: physical, psychological and cognitive. It is cognitive maturity that develops last, usually not reaching completion until the mid-twenties. Indeed, cognitive development continues until at least 30, given ongoing education or mental stimulus, and at later ages may be undertaken as a process of self-directed learning and development.

 

 

Cognitive maturity includes the following abilities:

• Mature judgment
  
• Seeing into the future
  
• Seeing how behavior can affect future
  
• Associating cause and effect
  
• Moral intelligence
  
• Abstract thinking
  
• Seeing what is not obvious
  
• Planning and decision-making
  
• Rational behavior and decision-making
  
• Rules of social conduct
  
• Understanding rules of social conduct
  

New MRI studies of the developing brain, clearly show that the physical development of the pre-frontal cortex is not complete until the mid-twenties. Before recent research revealed this startling new information, specialists had assumed that young people acted the way they do because of raging hormones, heredity, bad or good environmental factors, or a host of other reasons, all hopelessly commingled into a stew of influences that could probably never be understood. It is not that these other factors don't influence young people; the issue that underlies all of this, however, is an incompletely developed pre-frontal cortex that limits their ability to independently make mature decisions. Quite literally, they do not have the brain cell connections to make judgment calls.

 

 

Emotional Imaturity!!!!!!!!!!!

Between the ages of 20 and 30, or earlier, if a student has a high IQ, especially if he is in a stimulating environment such as a university, or if he has a demanding profession or absorbing interest in which an extensive Knowledge Structure is required, a person who has obtained true Formal thought may continue to develop his or her intellect at the fifth stage of development, that of Postformal Operations. In the case of a person with a deviation IQ of 150+, he or she may start to develop Postformal Operations at 15 or earlier, and then continue to develop for another 10 to 15 years, if remaining in a stimulating environment

 

Some explanation as to why it effects those who never experienced the college life.

What to expect after someone has experienced Gigs

But if the final stage of true Formal thought is reached, either naturally or through assisted intellectual development, there will be spontaneous attempts to increase mental capacity still further, to complete the process of maturation. This is Pierre de Chardin's point of ignition; a point at which a person has become sufficiently self-aware to attempt to direct his own course of mental evolution. He has developed metacognitive intelligence, in which the person is aware and in control of his own thinking processes.

 

Im using this one as my whole reason for researching gigs lol.

 

Well thats it, the link above gives a full explantion, it really helped me a lot in my own developement of understanding what i went through etc. Sorry if it doesnt make sense but should, it was a very long article to pick out the main parts.

 

The ego and individualisation are two seperate factors but are essential to each other.

 

This i believe, or rather the full description in the link above is the true explanation of gigs.

 

Wooolaaaa!!!!!

[chados]

my ex has done a 180° turn around. partying a lot, new friends, old friends that she didnt wasnt there for her when she was together with me.

[smokey bear]

my ex has done a 180° turn around. partying a lot, new friends, old friends that she didnt wasnt there for her when she was together with me.

 

The whole 180 thing is the superego, the shadow.