I miss her :(

[jormungand]

It just seems so hopeless. If we could be together for that long, just to have her not tell me a thing and leave over...

 

...what? Wanting more sex with a different man? more attention? etc. etc. All things that I couldn't have helped...I still have all the emotional connection...(which, is normal after having been intimate with a person over a thousand times) ... but she has none?

 

The point I'm making, is I feel if I couldn't make this work...I don't know if I'll ever be able to make anything work.

 

You might be being far too harsh on yourself here. Yeah, you tried very hard to make something you wanted work, but you tried with a person who wasn't receptive to it. It's not like you tried to make it work with a girl who had 100% of her heart in it, and was committed. Always remember that. I know things seem extremely hopeless right now, and that's normal and a healthy way to feel; but don't believe the blame game that she's trying to pass onto you - it's only to alleviate her guilt.

[Sustugriel]

You might be being far too harsh on yourself here. Yeah, you tried very hard to make something you wanted work, but you tried with a person who wasn't receptive to it. It's not like you tried to make it work with a girl who had 100% of her heart in it, and was committed. Always remember that. I know things seem extremely hopeless right now, and that's normal and a healthy way to feel; but don't believe the blame game that she's trying to pass onto you - it's only to alleviate her guilt.

 

Why wasn't she receptive? What changed? If she never really loved me, why did she have to take up so much of my life?

 

What did I do to make her not attracted to me anymore...to make her want to cheat?

 

I don't get any of it. It's the most awful thing to be punished for something you not only didn't do, but had no control over.

[jormungand]

Why wasn't she receptive? What changed? If she never really loved me, why did she have to take up so much of my life?

 

What did I do to make her not attracted to me anymore...to make her want to cheat?

 

I don't get any of it. It's the most awful thing to be punished for something you not only didn't do, but had no control over.

 

What i'm saying is that this situation is totally out of your control. i know it's one of the worst ones to deal with, but the person that you fell in love with was a front. i know it sucks man, but there's really nothing that you could have done. you did your best, you tried when she didn't want to.

[bittersweet memories]

She called me last night. We talked for over an hour. We reminisced, discussed the future and she said we would speak again.

 

She admitted to the lack of communication, saying that she was afraid to confront me about the issues she had. That she was "constantly giving me more chances" ... except I never realized any of these issues, so this was news to me.

 

I asked her if she didn't love me anymore, and she said "No, it's not that. You just hurt me more than I love you. It's important for me to be honest." She started crying, I asked her "Is there another man involved?" and she said "No, nothing like that. I would never do that." I believed her, after being with someone that long, you have a tendency to just trust them. Despite the fact that I had evidence otherwise.

 

I told her about my promise I made to her, to never let her go, and to never give up. She said she remembered it, and understood. She said she had to go rest because her crying was giving her a headache...She said we would speak again soon. I left the conversation feeling pretty good, but with more questions than answers.

 

...Only to have a close friend call me 10 minutes after the conversation with "Dude, DON'T believe a word she says. She's HERE right now, CHEATING on you with my roommate. She's manipulating you to alleviate her guilt, that's all that was. She's putting all the blame on you, to make you the bad person. To make what she's doing almost seem right. Just turn around and ****ing run, don't look back. She's a flighty bitch...As far as I can tell dude, you're ancient history as far as she's concerned."

 

I have no choice but to believe him, my friend has absolutely nothing to gain by lying about this. And quite a bit to lose.

 

Apparently immediately after she got off the phone with me, she was all smiles and giggles...

 

She lied to me. She bull-faced lied, after being together for 5 years. I don't really know how to feel about this. I almost wish I had never met her.

 

You should of went right over to your friends house and bust her.

Get closure by seeing it for yourself instead of believing her lies. You know, she's going to call you again. What then?

 

Give her a piece of your mind and move on. Sorry, you're going through this, it sucks. Trust me it will get easier, I promise!

[Sustugriel]

You should of went right over to your friends house and bust her.

Get closure by seeing it for yourself instead of believing her lies. You know, she's going to call you again. What then?

 

Give her a piece of your mind and move on. Sorry, you're going through this, it sucks. Trust me it will get easier, I promise!

 

Trust me, I wanted to do worse things than deck her. So do my friends. But in the end, I'm not sure it would change anything and just make me feel worse, and then have an arrest record.

 

The only thing that seems to help is telling people about it, telling them the truth of what has happened to me. Hence, public forum.

[bittersweet memories]

Trust me, I wanted to do worse things than deck her. So do my friends. But in the end, I'm not sure it would change anything and just make me feel worse, and then have an arrest record.

 

The only thing that seems to help is telling people about it, telling them the truth of what has happened to me. Hence, public forum.

 

I wasn't talking about decking her. Just seeing it for yourself. So you won't buy into her BS, when she calls you again and denies hooking up with your friend.

 

Good Luck!

[Sustugriel]

My misunderstanding, sir.

 

Still, the point remains. I'm just not sure how seeing her and him together would really make me feel any better, it might just make me hit rock bottom again.

 

I intend to confront her folks when I go to pick up some various odds and ends of my stuff from their place. I want to know if they knew, and if they don't, let them know what their daughter has done to me.

 

But more or less the only way forward is to just try to forget about her forever, which will be hard because it was the happiest moments of my life. And start shopping for women again to fill the void in my life created by this infidelity.

 

Right now, I wish I had someone to talk to That's the biggest thing I miss. Spending nights alone keeping this all bottled up inside is not healthy. I feel completely worthless. I've been hitting the gym but it's only so helpful for that part of it.

 

Thank you all for being supportive, I am sure there will still be many more posts of heartache after this.

[Sustugriel]

Today, I went to get my stuff from her place. She was there.

 

I confronted her. I told her that I knew she was cheating on me, and that she lied to me this whole time...And the worst part of it all, is she has continued this lie and pinned everything on me. Her defense shattered, she broke down and tears formed in her eyes. She wrapped her arms around me and said she was sorry for hurting me...Then my defense crumbled.

 

My tough front that I was putting off eroded and my soul was exposed once again. I trembled, and she changed. She went from being this hurtful, hateful bitch that cheated on me, to the loving girl I remembered. She sat with me, we held each other and we talked for over an hour. She no longer had anything to hide behind, no phone, no letters, no friends to steal her away. She saw my pain firsthand, I told her that I still love her and feel the same way about her...She told me she knew...but that I deserved someone better than her, someone that wasn't going to cheat and lie. She called herself a bad person and that I was the greatest man in the universe and she didn't deserve me. We continued to chat for some time, she smiled a whole lot more than I was expecting...She asked me to let her think about what I've said. She made me promise to contact her at some point, and she promised to do the same. She also said it was okay for us to talk on the phone again.

 

I did not expect this turn of events...I wasn't sure how to handle it. We comforted each other as if none of it had ever happened. I sincerely think she may be bi-polar or something. I walked away from the conversation incredibly confused, but getting many answers to the questions that haunted me...and at least I got it off my chest and played the "You cheated" card.

 

Any thoughts?

[Bazamu]

She has some balls that's for sure. If you really love her, do it, but can you really get over the point of what she has done? I did that for my ex wife and 2 years later, it happened again. You never know, not all are the same. Keep me updated!

[Sustugriel]

I do love her. I am just really confused by her reaction. I expected her to be obstinate and horrible to me. Instead she was ... loving. Nothing technically has changed between us...It was a confusing experience.

 

I'm not sure how to approach the situation other than giving her what she wants, time and space to think. She said it's okay to talk/text on the phone, but I'm going to refrain for a couple days I think.

 

So confused..

[Sustugriel]

Im beginning to think that confronting her was a really bad idea. I went from feeling convicted and sure of my actions to utterly confused and possibly back to square one.

 

I know the facts, she's the one with the problem, not me. She cheated on ME, lied to ME. I've been the one to attempt getting her back, every single time, and she has run away from me every time except for last night.

 

That last event though, in the emotional part of my brain seems to invalidate what she's done. I'm really not sure what to do...she wants to talk to me again, yet if it's going to be more of the same malarkey...aka trying to justify what she's done...Then I'm really wasting my time. There is no justification behind what she's done, I was very good to her and she went behind my back as soon as I was out of the house.

 

But at the same time...I feel like WE deserve every single chance we're both willing to give, if she wants to talk again, I should let her. Ugh so conflicted.

 

I would appreciate any encouraging words of advice once again.

[silly_panda]

Encouraging words..? Hmm... Don't think I can give it yet...

 

May I ask a question..? Is she still with the guy she that she cheated you on..? Or was it just a one nite stand kinda thing..? Her 'space' that she needs was for her to sleep with another guy..? Have you forgotten what your friend told you through the phone..? She smiled as soon as she hung up the phone after crying on the phone... Remember..? Tells me that she is a very good actress...

 

I know it's hard to not crumble when a girl cries especially someone you love cries in front of you... And I think that blinded you... You went from 'You cheated on me..!' to 'Oww... You poor thing...' And she did utter some famous lines such as "You deserve someone much more better..." I'm not asking you to just give up or what... If you think it's worth fighting for, then I say go for it... But proceed with caution...

 

So, is she with anyone rite now..?

[Sustugriel]

Is she still with the guy she that she cheated you on..? Or was it just a one nite stand kinda thing..? Have you forgotten what your friend told you through the phone..? She smiled as soon as she hung up the phone after crying on the phone... Remember..? Tells me that she is a very good actress...

 

Point 1: Is her 'actress' ability the part that she's showing me...or the part that she's showing him? She had nothing more to hide behind when I confronted her, it was all out in the open. Her tears were legit, her comforting nature was legit. But at the same time, if she has to 'think' about whether she wants to go with me...a man who's treated her well for 5 years...or a guy that's been my friend and has obvious moral issues... well then, is it really worth my time at all?

 

Point 2: This was definitely not a one-night stand. This had been going on for some time prior to the note-leaving nonsense. She was looking for the right moment to pin all blame on me and take off. As far as is she with him now...I can almost guarantee she's having a chat with him about said confrontation either now or really soon. Again it falls under the category of, if she has to discuss this with people...is it really worth my time? She's already taken 5 years of my life, and my heart and stomped on it.

 

I want to give it every chance I can...but it's hurting me and I'm not sure how much longer even I can tolerate it.

[silly_panda]

Point 1: Is her 'actress' ability the part that she's showing me...or the part that she's showing him? She had nothing more to hide behind when I confronted her, it was all out in the open. Her tears were legit, her comforting nature was legit. But at the same time, if she has to 'think' about whether she wants to go with me...a man who's treated her well for 5 years...or a guy that's been my friend and has obvious moral issues... well then, is it really worth my time at all?

 

Point 2: This was definitely not a one-night stand. This had been going on for some time prior to the note-leaving nonsense. She was looking for the right moment to pin all blame on me and take off. As far as is she with him now...I can almost guarantee she's having a chat with him about said confrontation either now or really soon. Again it falls under the category of, if she has to discuss this with people...is it really worth my time? She's already taken 5 years of my life, and my heart and stomped on it.

 

I want to give it every chance I can...but it's hurting me and I'm not sure how much longer even I can tolerate it.

 

 

Does that mean she had been planning to leave you and go for the guy..?

 

Are you able to forgive and forget..? And you are doubting yourself too man... For now, just take whatever she says to you with a pinch of salt...

[Sustugriel]

Does that mean she had been planning to leave you and go for the guy..?

 

Are you able to forgive and forget..? And you are doubting yourself too man... For now, just take whatever she says to you with a pinch of salt...

 

Yes, it was pre-planned. She never discussed any of it with me, nor did she discuss that she was unhappy, ever. She had made a decision at some point to leave me to go with him. I'm not sure when it happened but I do know it had been going on for some weeks prior to her leaving.

 

I do know that this is the first time she has seen me in the state that I am in. She promised that she would think about me, and she made me promise to contact her again at some point.

 

It would be hard to forgive, but I don't even know if I'll have the opportunity to do so, but I've been surprised multiple times in all of this.

[stunned8165]

Don't believe a word most dumpers say. They even lie to themselves, family, friends and their little kids too. ... I know how you feel. I miss mine and the kids too. Why I miss her, I have no clue. She doesn't deserve my feelings after what she did. But it's those innocent kids that have a grasp on me STILL 6 months out. I just have to ride the storm out I guess.

 

My situation

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/

[silly_panda]

Sustugriel, she got some communication issue that she needs to work on man... She is not happy and she did not discuss it with you, instead she ran to another man's arm for comfort... You know pretty well that your relationship with her won't work unless she got that fix rite..? So what's your plan now..? Are you going to contact her..? It's best to get the answer from her as soon as possible... It will be better for the both of you... Don't get stuck in the push/pull game...

 

stunned8165, that's tough man... I don't have experience in relationship involving children... But I feel for you man...

[Sustugriel]

I'm not sure what to do silly_panda. My gut feeling is that she's putting me on the backburner because she doesn't want to lose me forever. But I am not willing to accept second-class treatment from a person who betrayed me.

 

Part of me thinks that I would be better off just cutting it off clean here, that I got my feelings out there and turned all this garbage back around on her, and I got my closure...Maybe it's time to forget about her forever.

 

...At the same time I promised her I would contact her again, and that she wants to still talk to me. But again I'm not willing to accept second-class treatment. But I am willing to give anything a chance even if it's a tiny chance.

 

So I'm torn, and I know no one has the answers. But it just helps to get this out of my system because it's tearing me apart. I feel like there's not gonna be much left of my soul after this is through...I'll just be a wraith of what I once was.

[jormungand]

Go with your gut then. You can't put your life on hold for someone who doesn't respect you enough to take your feelings into consideration before she acts on a selfish impulse.

 

I know you're still in love and it's very, very hard to accept, but don't contact her for awhile and let her stew in what she made. I'm not saying that her acting job she pulled on you was BS, but I wouldn't believe it.

 

People like this can drive you completely insane if you let it. Fill your life with other things you enjoy doing, and give it time. That's really all you can do here.

[silly_panda]

Sustugriel, I know how it feels... Logic versus emotions... Under normal circumstances, you will just drop this girl knowing that she treated you like this... But now, your emotions it taking over and emotions are just really hard to handle...

Take a few days off yourself to calm down... Then have a talk with her... Ask her to make her decision... Don't let her sting you along... If she choose you, you know what to do to make it work between you and her... If she choose the other guy, you got your answer and time to move on... No more second class treatment as you said...

[Bazamu]

Sustugriel- you should hit me up, since we cant do a damn private message for some reason (which would be nice) I am a rower on your boat and would like to talk with ya buddy.

[Am4Real]

Point 1: Is her 'actress' ability the part that she's showing me...or the part that she's showing him? She had nothing more to hide behind when I confronted her, it was all out in the open. Her tears were legit, her comforting nature was legit. But at the same time, if she has to 'think' about whether she wants to go with me...a man who's treated her well for 5 years...or a guy that's been my friend and has obvious moral issues... well then, is it really worth my time at all?

 

Point 2: This was definitely not a one-night stand. This had been going on for some time prior to the note-leaving nonsense. She was looking for the right moment to pin all blame on me and take off. As far as is she with him now...I can almost guarantee she's having a chat with him about said confrontation either now or really soon. Again it falls under the category of, if she has to discuss this with people...is it really worth my time? She's already taken 5 years of my life, and my heart and stomped on it.

 

I want to give it every chance I can...but it's hurting me and I'm not sure how much longer even I can tolerate it.

 

Sustugriel,

 

You’re agonizing over something you cannot control – HER. By now she is aware of how you feel since you explicitly told her; you on the other hand are fully aware of what she has done and continues to do with another man. Given all of that what possible resolution is there: NONE!

 

Let me put it bluntly to you (and with no disrespect). It’s time to leave her alone and for her to do the same. It’s likely she will not, it’s more than expected she will hover around you again, perhaps even regretting her moves away from you, especially since she generally states you have hurt her but says nothing specific or allows you to address anything specific. It sounds contrived to me.

 

Regardless, pick up your pride, go NO CONTACT and stay in that mode. Get out, meet new people and make a better man of yourself. You’ll find the right person in good time and all of this will seem laughable one day soon.

 

Good luck.

 

Am4Real

[LifeTwist]

Im beginning to think that confronting her was a really bad idea. I went from feeling convicted and sure of my actions to utterly confused and possibly back to square one.

 

I know the facts, she's the one with the problem, not me. She cheated on ME, lied to ME. I've been the one to attempt getting her back, every single time, and she has run away from me every time except for last night.

 

That last event though, in the emotional part of my brain seems to invalidate what she's done. I'm really not sure what to do...she wants to talk to me again, yet if it's going to be more of the same malarkey...aka trying to justify what she's done...Then I'm really wasting my time. There is no justification behind what she's done, I was very good to her and she went behind my back as soon as I was out of the house.

 

But at the same time...I feel like WE deserve every single chance we're both willing to give, if she wants to talk again, I should let her. Ugh so conflicted.

 

I would appreciate any encouraging words of advice once again.

 

Hi Sustugriel.. This would be my first note on LS community. I have been observing and reading about broken relation ships. Since i have been and still am affected by one of such relation, so, like others, i can feel and advise on subject better than a person who never felt what this pain is. Let me recollect everything you stated in few lines.. This girl you have been seeing for 5 years and she claims to have loved you more than anyone else. Brother, 5 years is a huge period to stay in a relation. Honestly speaking, when the relation starts, its the most intense period and both parties put in their best to prove their feelings for each other. A time comes when it is on the boom, and you are on cloud nine. After that, recession starts, either one or both starts getting bored of each other and same monotonous routine of talking, messaging, meeting etc. This is natural and unacceptable (for many) naked truth of life. I would advise everyone going through a relationship beyond one year to turn their relation into a legal bond i.e. marriage. Once two people are married, then they learn how to compromise and try to live with their partner until and unless the situation becomes impossible or very difficult to control. As far as i have observed your relation with this girl, you decided to move on with her for ever and wanted to marry her. You tried helping her and being nice with her all the times. You must not have cheated her i guess. Pause!! There is sometimes a strange Relation-Psychie which i believe in. When both partners are sincere and loyal to each other, its rare that either of them ditch or cheat the other. Once either party starts cheating, there is 80% chance, the other one must have been cheating or have already cheated. Anyways, this is my own observation which might not be true in many cases. I apologise to all those whose feelings might be offended by this statement of mine. So, at that timeframe, you should have gotten married to her. Believe me, after marriage, every person from any religion at least thinks before breaking up the marriage unlike the bf/gf or engagement relationships in which they can call it off though an sms or a note or not these ones either. What you are facing is a huge level of rejection. Believe me, rejection breaks a man/woman into pieces. I have been through this and i can vouch for this. You would always be brainstorming that whats wrong with you or your looks, or personality etc that she went off for another guy who must be not as good looking or nice or loving/caring you are. Do you know why? Just because this human race always tends to be attracted to ordinary stuff even when they have most special ones with them. We mostly forget the sex drive which varies from person to person. You might not be that way but most people are. What proof do you have that its the first and last time she cheated you in these five years? What if she had been doing this before and what if she continues doing this afterwards? Everyone rightly says, " There are no 2ND CHANCES". we, including myself, think that 2nd chance would get her near and we can get her back on the track. For God sake, one girl/guy who cheated you for none of your fault, and lied and slept and God knows what and what not, what is the guarantee that she wouldnt do t hat again? Its what i call Compulsive Cheating Behaviour (CCB). Who so ever suffers from it, they unintentionally keep shuffling between men and women. They always make an excuse for themselves and that excuse justifies their all course of actions including sleeping with other men. How could one do that? You heard it from your ex gf and you still would hear more of such stuff which would be so childish and you would loose your temperament. I am not against anyone here or you or your gf. I hardly know you and not even know your gf. But i am telling you, you are suffering from this rejection scenario. Its a phase which continues for several weeks and afterwards when you come out of the spell, you realise what a fool you were. She comes to you to regain sympathies and satisfies her guilt by thinking that " he still loves me and i am still a girl to be loved". 5 years is a huge time you guys spent, but there are plenty of years left. Dude talk to someone who is closer to you, Talk your heart out. I bet she would do this again and again. I belong to a part of world where sleeping with another man/woman means complete destruction. Its not at all acceptable here. And i believe that it should be in all communities. Sleeping with someone is the last blow to ones character. After that, nothing is left. You watch good movies, start reading love shack and AlphaMale threads. And just tell yourself, force yourself to think that she is only trying to get a better image so next time she can pin the blame to you on your slight mistake. And it will happen for sure if you gave her a second chance. I wish you could be here with me and i would have snatched your cell phone and laptop and deleted all her contacts and would have put her in block list for ever. See everyone here feels for you, and wants you to move on with dignity and self respect. Pride is something which one should never bargain at. I am sorry if anything i stated above has hurt you or anyone else , none of the words were meant to hurt but just to show you a PATH TO HAPPINESS.

[silly_panda]

LifeTwist, I don't really agree with you on the 'marriage will make the relationship better/last' part... We get into relationship to find that someone who is really compatible with us... If they are really compatible and both side put their effort into making the relationship work, they will not break even if they are together for 10years...

 

In my humble opinion, getting married after one year time into the relationship is not a really good way because one year is not a really long time for us to really know/understand the other person... And many people will end up in divorce after finding out that their partner is not suitable for them...

 

One more thing... Marriage nowadays did not really tie down anybody... I see that you are from Pakistan and I do have a friend there... Correct me if I'm wrong... I know to a certain extend marriage there is very different... Not many guys will take/marry a woman if she had been married to someone before...

 

But it's just different in many other countries... Even if married, people will just leave if or when they feel that they wanna leave... Women now are able to provide for themselve and they don't need anyone to provide for them... And many relationship/marriage fail is because people nowadays have too many choices... Not like our grandfather era where people get married young and they stay in the marriage for a lifetime...

[zagroot]

I sympathize with you strongly, you can adapt to this situation, the attempt