Can long-time friends be lovers?

[d.stevens]

if you had a gal pal who confessed she'd fallen for you and you were single and available but not interested that way, would you still be comfortable being her friend only?

 

Perhaps our definition of friend is different. Do you mean acquaintance?

 

A) You want the truth? Your going to think its shallow and not want to hear it. But Here goes: I'm a male... with testosterone in my system. Why would I even invest say 10% of my time into something that will lead no where? So....no I don't invest my time into just a pal/friend situations with any gal. Frank but true. So....if I had a female friend that had fallen for me, believe me...it was by design...months of work on my part and thus the answer would be yes, I'd go out with her

 

 

B) I've run into this with acquaintances on occasion, Yes, I discuss it with them. Usually the person that is the object of the feelings can see this comming a mile away especially if they don't feel the same way. Im probably even prepared somewhat . Do I value the acquaintance hoping not to loose them, yes. That is why i'm straight up with them. Brushing things under the carpet and to "hope" things will change, is just bad. It's like that damn leak in the basement, You don't deal with it...in time it gets worst and very messy.

[ockey53]

Wow, that was a lot to read all those negative posts after 4 pages of positive ones....

 

I guess I have to realize that it just might not happen.... but that's not me. I think that I could stick around as a friend and see what happens. I'll date and stuff and something happens between the two of us, then I'll be totally dedicated to her. I guess until that happens... I should just hang low and try...not to be myself... with her...?

 

After all this... it's not just worth dropping the friendship and leaving her. She has giving me too much and vise versa.... and it's still continuing. We're planning stuff for the fall (international trips together, car shows around the country, photoshoots, etc.) and it feels good that she picks me first over anyone else. She comes first in a lot of things for me. And I come first in a lot of things for her. That will never change. If something goes wrong with this.... I could loose the best friend I have EVER had! I would do anything to prevent that from happening.

[emdeesea]

It's called being realistic. It's foolish to tell someone something positive only because it's what they want to hear when it's not the slightest bit realistic.

 

But you have to do what you have to do. If you feel comfortable being around her while she's dating other guys then do it. If you feel comfortable with the idea of being the best man at her wedding to someone else then do it. You're obviously good friends with the girl. That doesn't mean anything in itself other than she likes you as a friend - but if you're happy with that as the end result, then so be it. (shrug) It's your heart. I wouldn't do it.

[ockey53]

So you wouldn't even continue to be her friend? You would just drop her and pick up your things and leave? I really enjoy being her friend. I really would like to be her bf, but if not, it's not the end of the world. AS everyone always says, "there's more fish in the sea." Just happens that I am in a pond and everyone else in the sea. I'll eventually find the sea and get there. For now, she's an awesome friend. Thanks.

[emdeesea]

"So you wouldn't even continue to be her friend? You would just drop her and pick up your things and leave?"

 

Darn right. I did it. And I got what I wanted in the end.

 

My current BF was doing pretty much what this girl is doing to you. Finally I had enough and told him NO MORE. Either he dates me or he doesn't get to have me in his life at all. And, surprise, he decided to date me rather than lose me.

 

SO...

 

Like I said - if you don't mind the idea of watching her date other guys, then continue being her friend. Some people can do it. I can't. When I care about someone romantically I don't want to sit and watch that person dating other people and telling me I'm a terrific person but they don't want to date me. F*** that.

 

To each his own. If you can handle it, and be happy with it to top it off, you're a stronger person than I. Good luck.

[GUEST]

lets say he had fooled around with her or dated her before and then decided to become friends. DO you think he would have a better chance

[sami]

Everyone will have a better chance if he will try hard enough. Girls, in general, very much love to see a determined, focused and consistently interested guy. There is always an exception though. Sometimes the more you press the more you push her away. It depends on how you are doing it.

[emdeesea]

"Girls, in general, very much love to see a determined, focused and consistently interested guy."

 

Only if the GIRL is already interested. Otherwise, when she's NOT interested, the guy looks like a sad, desperate puppy dog and that's not attractive to us at all. After a while, it becomes stalking and sort of psychotic.

 

The way to a woman's heart is confidence, self-assuredness and independence and being interested without needing us to provide your happiness. Why do you think women date "bad boys"? Because they're confident and self-assured. They don't need her for their happiness. It's usually a mistake on the woman's part to date a jerk, but that's why we do it.

 

*****************************************************************************************

 

"lets say he had fooled around with her or dated her before and then decided to become friends. DO you think he would have a better chance"

 

Like I said before, a platonic relationship only works if it's acceptable for both parties. In such a senario, it depends on who made the break and whether it was amicable. A break against the wishes against one party will not likely work on a platonic level because there will always be hurt feelings and "I'm not good enough for you" issues.

 

I don't stay friends with guys who break up with me, personally. Bottom line is, if I'm not good enough to date then I'm not good enough to be friends with. A guy can only have me in his life on MY terms - not his. And it saves us both sour feelings in the end.

[ockey53]

"I'm not good enough to date then I'm not good enough to be friends with"

 

If I am good enough to be friends with her then... am I good enough to date her?

 

I believe that I treat this woman right. More than any of her boyfriends ever had! This should at least give me a sack full of brownie points. lol

[emdeesea]

...that's entirely my point.

 

"If I am good enough to be friends with her then... am I good enough to date her?

 

I believe that I treat this woman right. More than any of her boyfriends ever had! This should at least give me a sack full of brownie points. lol"

 

 

 

Of course you're good enough to date her... which is why I don't understand why you'd stick around when she dates someone else while telling you "well I like you and stuff but I don't want to date you."

[d.stevens]

Don't you mean?

 

Of course you're good enough to date her... which is why I don't understand why you'd stick around when she dates someone else while telling you "well I like you and stuff but I don't want to date you... and BTW Thanks so much for the gifts, your such a sweety!!! "

 

bro

 

Your filling her every emotional need already. Don't you see? This is why she doesn't feel the need to date you.

[emdeesea]

"bro

 

Your filling her every emotional need already. Don't you see? This is why she doesn't feel the need to date you."

 

Exactly! She's getting exactly what SHE wants without having to offer anything more. She gets the benefits of a boyfriend (gifts, dinner, massages, a teddy bear to come crying to) and he LETS her run around and date other people RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

 

I see this guy ending up a bitter "Nice Guy" in a few years. He won't understand why she married someone else because he was such a Nice Guy to her.

[ockey53]

Originally posted by emdeesea

Exactly! She's getting exactly what SHE wants without having to offer anything more. She gets the benefits of a boyfriend (gifts, dinner, massages, a teddy bear to come crying to) and he LETS her run around and date other people RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

 

I see this guy ending up a bitter "Nice Guy" in a few years. He won't understand why she married someone else because he was such a Nice Guy to her.

 

Wow. I think that is exactly what I needed to hear. And have it come from someone else... I knew it, just didn't know how to say it in words....

 

wow..... it's something to think about.... but what to "take away" or not provide.... that's the harder question. But if I do, then that's just not me.... hmmmmmmmm

 

any advice? I'm lost on this one.

[emdeesea]

You keep saying this one phrase...

 

"But if I do, then that's just not me..."

 

Do you buy EVERY girl you know dinner, lingerie, teddy bears and candy? Do you write your girl friends poems? Do you massage your mother's feet? Or do you mean JUST THIS GIRL?

 

You can't buy someone's affections and it seems like that's what you're trying to do here. You think that by buying her all this stuff she's going to suddenly see what a great catch you are. That's not the way it works.

 

People, by nature, want what they can't have. No one's saying here that you can't still be friends with her, if that's acceptable by you, naturally. (You know I have a differing opinion of course.) But QUIT with the free ride already. Just stop. It's not hard to do and you'll have more money to spend on yourself or someone who DESERVES it.

 

When you go out to dinner, does she split the bill with you? I'll be she doesn't. If she's not going to date you and be "just friends" with you, she should start acting like a friend and go Dutch.

 

Be a man, put your foot down and tell her the way it's going to be. She needs to learn to start respecting you, because I'll be she doesn't at this point. And if you lose her in the process, she wasn't worth having to begin with. Why would you want a woman who pushes you around? (And please don't say it's because she's hot - if you're with her because of her looks, then you deserve to be pushed around and taken advantage of. There's so much more to a relationship than being "hot.")

 

Start standing up for yourself. Stop trying to buy her.

[ockey53]

Yea, stupid me.... what was I thinking... it blew way out of proportion from what I intended to be.

 

Well, if it was meant to be, something will happen; if not, then it won't.

 

Problem is... I can't get my mind off her. I see her everyday (even if it's for an hour). Is there a way to surpress my feelings for her? I have bit my tongue for a while, so I guess I could just do that. And keep reminding myself that she doesn't like me like that. I really don't think not seeing her is an option. I mean, I would kill to just talk to her. And she means a lot to me.

 

Something in the back of my head says that this could happen... that there is a chance... I just wish I knew for sure.

[Amped1]

yo bro...distance yourself. Still be there, but down bend over backwards and take it in the behind (hahahah) sorry i couldn't resist that one.

 

Like someone else said put your foot down treat her like everyone else. Your basically her surgar daddy and therapist and "friend". The friend zone is the hardest thing to swim out of.

[Cymbaline]

This is my first post on this forum, as I have just joined, and this particular thread caught my eye becuase I want to be kind of more than just friends with this guy or at least know where we stand and all. So I am not in quite the same situation as you. I have read the entire thread and boy, lemme tell ya.... I agree with Emdeesea, Amped1 and d.stevens, you really have to quit this girl, and based on your reply "I mean, I would kill to just talk to her. And she means a lot to me. " it doesn't sound like you are 100% willing to do that.

 

So I would say be prepared to not have what you want and continue being let down. But really, you are going to do what you are going to do, regardless and that isn't a bad thing, it is your own volition. Therefore, you make the choice with full knowledge of the consequences to yourself and your friend.

 

However, I sympathize with you and can relate to how you feel; wanting that person so badly, and knowing that you would be so good for them. Those are hard feelings to moderate, let alone subdue. But you have to face reality, and I am beginning to see that myself, you cannot make them like you and you shouldn't -have- to make someone like you. You sound like a great guy, and there is some one out there that will fulfill you someday, some one who will not take advantage of your feelings and your wallet.

[emdeesea]

Ockey -

 

You just have to stop seeing her. I'm sure you don't want to, but if you want to get over this pain then you have to establish "NO CONTACT" to heal. No contact means no seeing her, no calling her, no talking to her, no going out with her - nothing. Only by no contact can you completely heal. If you continue seeing her and being her friend, you'll always pine, hurt and so forth. You tell her "I'm looking for something more than a platonic relationship. Our situation won't work for me anymore so it's best that we don't see each other anymore."

 

(If you want to try to turn this situation around - don't exude any sort of emotion when you tell her this. Absolutely no crying. No sad puppy dog eyes. She'll feel pity for you and girls don't go out with guys they feel pity for. You have to be strong - act like you don't care, even if you do and it kills you to do this. Then develop a hobby. I started going to the gym on an almost daily basis. So not only did it take up my time, I lost 25 pounds in the process.)

 

Of course, after you've healed (which I recommend several months of NO CONTACT), you can be friends, as long as the romantic interest is gone.

 

Thing is - it doesn't sound to me that you're willing to go this route. It's up to you. You can keep seeing her, pining over her, taking her out to dinner, spending time with her, etc., but you can expect that you'll NEVER get over this pain and nothing will ever change. Like the Nike people say, "Just do it." The true definition of a fool is one who does the same thing over and over, yet expects a different result.

 

You have to do what you have to do.

[ockey53]

Even if there was ABSOLUTELY no chance that I could be her boyfriend, I still want to be her friend. There is NO WAY I can drop her. We do too much, just as friends, that I can't do that. I've held back these feelings for about a year and a half and I can do it longer. It doesn't hurt me...

 

I want to be that guy in the "other" category. I don't want to be labeled as "All men suck." I want to show, just this one person, that I can be a real gentleman. This will make me a better person. In doing so, if I was to date her, it would benefit her, if not... it would benefit someone else. I am a very caring, soft, gentle yet I speak my mind.

 

Dropping her is extremely cruel to her, for something she didn't do. I started this forum to see if there was anyone else in the world that is/has gone thru what I am. I want to hear stories, good and bad and shared experiences.

 

I'm going to be around this girl for a while, and nothing will change that. But if my dream comes true, then maybe we'll spend the rest of our lives together.

[emdeesea]

Then just do whatever you want to do, be her friend, spend your bank account on her and don't whine when she won't date you but she'll date other guys. Geeze.

 

You started this forum because you wanted someone to tell you how much in love she would fall with you eventually and now you're not getting that. Sorry. I don't believe in telling someone fairy tales just to make them happy.

 

Do whatever you want. Have fun.

[d.stevens]

Bro

 

Best of luck to ya

 

What's so ironic here is...given some time...you'll be on here singing the same tune to somebody else, that were currently singing to you lol

 

You wanted to hear about experience huh? Is it at all possible some people have been around the block a time or even two and have learned something?

[ockey53]

Today we went shopping and had a BLAST! We went to Tello's and was looking at panties. She then said, "You would have so much fun being my boyfreind."

 

What does that mean??

[murphy pee]

I am a lazy reader. Tell me, have you had sex yet? Is she seeing someone right now? How about the 2000 miler? I ask because if you havent slept with her, or deep-kissed her, or petted with her, or showed any physical sign of your absolute desire for her; being a model and in the spotlight the way she is, you will lose her before you even get her.

 

It IS very difficult to swim out of the friend zone. It has to be "accidental". Something strong has to happen, like kiss, petting, sex... you catch my drift?? Going shopping etc is making you more of her brother, or 'walking stick'.

 

Start by reducing on the amount of time you spend together; become 'unavailable'. If she goes crazy trying to get you back, move in with all youve got. ONLY DO THIS IF YOU WANT HER FOR LIFE, FOR EVER.

[emdeesea]

"Going shopping etc is making you more of her brother, or 'walking stick'.

 

Start by reducing on the amount of time you spend together; become 'unavailable'. If she goes crazy trying to get you back, move in with all youve got. ONLY DO THIS IF YOU WANT HER FOR LIFE, FOR EVER."

 

I have been saying this over and over and over... all to deaf ears. He doesn't want to hear it. C'est la vie.

[Blue Lady Sings]

lTLher is this man that I thought was my husband, he divorced me "behind" closed doors, set me up, went out of his way to hit me, demean me, and basically called me every name in the book, I no longer respect him as a person and see his true colors. Also I no longer care as he seems to think that I am stuck on his and our long long ago and our past. No every turn and every angle of desire is disregarded as he sits on the couch for me to try and 'do the initiation thing. Please, I wanted to be friendly and then enjoy a inexpensive outing, maybe even go to a brunch. I offered to pay! No all I hear about is his "friends" most people. Well you have em. Leave me out of it. Thats all he ever gave me. All points to more hurt. The only deceit I see and feel is his bs ways to constantly physically and verbally hurt and threaten me all the time. My gawd I try to have little to none expectations no ultimatums. Friends if you will, cut my losses. as a person has moved on and basically doesn't know what HE! wants. and therefore I feel like my bare presence sicken him!

 

Personally, I should hate and despise this person if that is what you want tocall him. He is/was many things but the constant flow of deteriation and lack of ANY kind of bonding makes it nearly impossible to have a jump start to enjoy company or desire for any real deal I offered and suggested gawd I cant tell you how I never even let the rejections slow my persistance but took the rejection. He thinks Im afraid of and think of how it used to be. I would welcome any change from the past 3 years of mistakes and heartach. Why and who in gawd name would hang on the that?!!!

 

Now I am exhausted with the daily rituals and remain and prefer my privacy and prefer to be alone w/o his personality traits to further encourage anything. DUH he is not interested in me even tho he divorced me the way he did, I was willing to forgive him and start over. And settle for what may have been salvaged and hoped for the best. Either way. Now he has made it perfectly clear He wants me and my little girl to get out by his actions and disregard. if I dont kiss his royal ass 110% and lovingly and sexually and thoug;htfully I am a loser a tramp, a lazy ass.

 

Thanks but I should of never ever cared enough to even try.

 

I still in the back of my mind remember our loving times and yes I do care and the love is still in my heart, but it appears he has moved on and prefer to not even acknowledge me and rather him see the hurt I bravely go out of sight and feel sad and alone.

 

I do not have the time to continue on this way as I need to get to work maybe I could refresh my goals and find a way to add to my demise who knows, till the Blue lady ~ ahem! And man can I SING!

 

Ask my daughter, just like a lullabye.