Deciphering ex's intentions...

[D-Lish]

This is six months after breaking up. I didn't hear from him for months after he dumped me- then he called out of the blue and wanted to meet up for some closure. We met, spent a couple of days hashing things out, both agreed we are not right for one another. We've had fleeting contact since then, the last 8 weeks or so... I had dinner with him last week, it was innocuous, friendly and not as painful to see him face to face as it was the last time.

 

He's been texting me a bit more this past week, and wanted to hang out tonight but I actually had a date tonight (I didn't tell him that) and told him another time.

 

He sent me an e-mail tonight, I got it when I came home an hour ago and I don't know how to answer it. He told me he can't go on being friends, that he's been thinking about me a lot lately, and he's not sure what I want. He really didn't say much more than that.

 

Why is it, that when you're on the cusp of truly getting over someone that they come back?? It is a little more than a year ago since we first met, almost 7 months since we broke up. We've had friendly, yet fleeting contact the last 2 months.

 

The weirdest thing ever is that I had a vivid dream last night about him last night, and in the dream we were dating and happy like we once were. I woke up with him on my mind in a way I haven't in such a long time. Then he contacts me today to hang out and I get this email tonight.

 

In my opinion it's the same old, same old. Why put it back on me saying he doesn't know what I want when he busted my heart apart 7 months ago?

 

It really pisses me off. I've been doing really well with regard to our break-up, thought we had gotten to a place where we'd both found some peace.

 

My date tonight was actually somewhat promising. Now I feel a little messed up again.

[hoping2heal]

It is almost like clockwork when that happens isn't it?

 

I can understand you feeling a little messed up now but I think you've already answered your own question. He busted your heart and much more importantly,the two of you realized you are not right for eachother. If I remember correctly this guy couldn't give you what you needed emotionally and that was one of the sore spots of contention along with the fallout from the miscarriage.

 

Why is he thinking about you so much all of the sudden? Because you're off limits? Probably, I always suspected he had trouble with intimacy and it only makes sense that you would seem more attractive as a possibility, than you do as an actual reality.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't care about you - but his caring probably hasn't solved the issues that are still there which led to the breakup to begin with - and if they haven't? Yes, it is indeed "same old, same old" you want your heart busted a second time?

 

Feelings are tricky - just because they are there and make us feel good for some time doesn't mean they always lead us somewhere good. If you think that nothing has changed with this guy and it is still going to be the same old issues then it is best to not even open this can of worms and pass on by before you get too involved and hurt worse.

[jerbear]

Sounds like your ex is having some reminders of the past. This is the time for relationships, reconnects, etc... It seems like you are moving along in life and this incident bought back memories.

 

Happy to say your promising date went well.

[smokey bear]

i think you should ask him what he wants, keep what you want a secret until he clearly says what he wants

[johan]

TC is right on, D. Except the benefit of a friendship is right in her post, and it must be compelling. You know in your heart why you have agreed to be friends, when in your mind you know that isn't possible. It's because there is a shot at redemption for you. You came out of the breakup feeling really low and critical of yourself. The message in all this is that you weren't so bad to be with at all.

 

Maybe you are pissed about it, because it is confusing, but you also now have a chance to be the one to stand up and say that a relationship with him is not what you want. It's a way to collect at least a partial payment from him for all of the time you spent feeling so down on yourself.

Edited November 20, 2011 by johan

[wavejumper]

i think you should ask him what he wants, keep what you want a secret until he clearly says what he wants

 

i agree with this. the whole power dynamic will have to reset if you were to even consider getting back together. Unless he is clear in words and actions about what he wants with you, you most likely will be left feeling strung out.

 

I did a back and forth during a year separation with my ex, he would keep contacting me, sucking me back in, only to be left with the same 'wanting his cake...' behavior. it wasn't until i really let go (filed D) that he did a 180.

 

i now know he means it when he says he wants to work things out. you will know it too when you see it.

 

good luck!

[Mme. Chaucer]

Is there something he could say or do to bring you back into a relationship with him?

 

I hope not. Not because I think he's a "bad guy," but I really do think that you have enough knowledge and experience with him to know that he is not the man for you. Or, that the relationship possible with this guy is not the relationship you need or want at this time in your life.

 

Is that where you're at?

 

I think that if it is, you are going to need to stop hanging out with him at all. It seems to be complicating your life at this point, and you don't need that.

 

I do understand why you particularly needed "closure" after the way he really bailed on you when you were in a vulnerable place - which he was a part of creating. Him coming around and showing you that he really did / does care for you means something. But I don't think you need to continue it.

 

Unless … you would like to give a relationship with him another try?

[D-Lish]

It is almost like clockwork when that happens isn't it?

 

I can understand you feeling a little messed up now but I think you've already answered your own question. He busted your heart and much more importantly,the two of you realized you are not right for eachother. If I remember correctly this guy couldn't give you what you needed emotionally and that was one of the sore spots of contention along with the fallout from the miscarriage.

 

Why is he thinking about you so much all of the sudden? Because you're off limits? Probably, I always suspected he had trouble with intimacy and it only makes sense that you would seem more attractive as a possibility, than you do as an actual reality.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't care about you - but his caring probably hasn't solved the issues that are still there which led to the breakup to begin with - and if they haven't? Yes, it is indeed "same old, same old" you want your heart busted a second time?

 

Feelings are tricky - just because they are there and make us feel good for some time doesn't mean they always lead us somewhere good. If you think that nothing has changed with this guy and it is still going to be the same old issues then it is best to not even open this can of worms and pass on by before you get too involved and hurt worse.

 

Yes, you are spot on about him and the issues.

 

A part of me still loves him, but every part of me knows we aren't right for one another. I accepted his apology for the manner in which he left me, but I'd never be able to reconcile with how he handled things should we ever get back together.

 

We aren't compatible emotionally or sexually- and as for intimacy, you're right, he's not capable of it.

 

I suspect that he's feeling some nostalgia as we met this time last year- just before we went away for a week for a golfing trip. He was leaving for the golfing trip a few days after we met for dinner. That, coupled with Christmas coming (we had an awesome Christmas together), has probably triggered some memories.

 

I'm not considering getting back together, but I still have feelings for him. It's very hard to remain reasonable when it comes to having feelings for someone.

[D-Lish]

D-Lish I'm not judging you at all for seeing him again but I wonder what reasons you have for doing so? I get the sense you're flirting with the idea of taking him back, if only he says the right combination of words. Otherwise, I can't fathom why you'd be hanging out with him. Surely the costs of seeing him must outweigh the benefits of any friendship, if you truly want to get over him. Do you? Be honest with yourself.

 

I don't think his email was inappropriate given the signals you've been sending him by hanging out. Even if you've told him in words you don't want to reunite, having dinner with him is a pretty strong statement. His intentions are clear imo. He's sending out a feeler and wondering whether you'd be receptive to his advances because he doesn't want to risk rejection if you're not interested.

 

But anyway if you really have no interest and you want to get over him then you've got to stop contact. Maybe at some point in the future you guys could be platonic friends but the wounds are still too fresh.

 

Glad to hear your date went well.

 

TC, I think I wanted this friendship with him because I needed to be absolved of some guilt. It was awful to go through the miscarriage, then have him leave me and shut me out for months. To have him man-up and take responsibility for being an ass has helped me shed a lot of the guilt I felt, and has also helped me move forward.

 

I've only seen him twice in the past 2 months, and we don't talk much, but yeah, when we met for dinner the last time I did see him looking at me like he used to. Maybe I got some sort of satisfaction out of that. I think it has everything to do with having my confidence back. The last month of our relationship I was a hormonal, needy mess.

 

You're right, I can't have a friendship with him.

[D-Lish]

TC is right on, D. Except the benefit of a friendship is right in her post, and it must be compelling. You know in your heart why you have agreed to be friends, when in your mind you know that isn't possible. It's because there is a shot at redemption for you. You came out of the breakup feeling really low and critical of yourself. The message in all this is that you weren't so bad to be with at all.

 

Maybe you are pissed about it, because it is confusing, but you also now have a chance to be the one to stand up and say that a relationship with him is not what you want. It's a way to collect at least a partial payment from him for all of the time you spent feeling so down on yourself.

 

It's funny, I was writing this before I made it down to your post, and it's true.

 

I think a part of me has agreed to see him the last time because I wanted him to see how well I was doing.

 

I really don't want to get back together with him. This is a guy that looked me in the eye and said he didn't know what love was and that he's never been in love before.

[D-Lish]

Is there something he could say or do to bring you back into a relationship with him?

 

I hope not. Not because I think he's a "bad guy," but I really do think that you have enough knowledge and experience with him to know that he is not the man for you. Or, that the relationship possible with this guy is not the relationship you need or want at this time in your life.

 

Is that where you're at?

 

I think that if it is, you are going to need to stop hanging out with him at all. It seems to be complicating your life at this point, and you don't need that.

 

I do understand why you particularly needed "closure" after the way he really bailed on you when you were in a vulnerable place - which he was a part of creating. Him coming around and showing you that he really did / does care for you means something. But I don't think you need to continue it.

 

Unless … you would like to give a relationship with him another try?

 

I don't want to give it another try, but I do still have some deep feelings for him.

 

Only a masochist would jump back into something they know is doomed. There isn't just the potential that I could get hurt if I got back together with him- there is certainty.

 

I have to admit that with Christmas approaching, I have been feeling vulnerable. Last year was really magical for me- I was so in love and so happy. I never saw that relationship breaking down and causing me so much pain short months later.

 

I guess I have to answer him at some point.

[AlexisMacabre]

i am going through something some what like your situation, my ex and i were together 4 years, lived together and were married and had a son, our relationship was very awesome and well a month and a half ago out of the blue he left me, said he didnt love me anymore, and started dating another girl that he hardly knew at all a week later, i was very torn up about it but we met face to face, talked and i got my closure. i have met someone else and have been talking to them, my ex found out and has been coming around to where i live and has been texing out of the blue to ask about my relationship with this person, he doesnt need to know and i get upset at the fact his is now doing this when he told me to move on and doesnt need to know about my love life anymore.

also, hes been trying to be all cool with me and every chance he sees me he tries to start a convo and im pretty much over it and dont care but i do sometimes get those feelings of hurt again just not like i did before i said goodbye.

 

oh we will never understand whats going on in some peoples heads i guess.

[snug.bunny]

We aren't compatible emotionally or sexually- and as for intimacy, you're right, he's not capable of it.

 

This is very telling. If you believe this to be true, what are you still holding onto exactly? Focus on the "what", perhaps it will bring a little clarity and understanding.

[smokey bear]

 

i now know he means it when he says he wants to work things out. you will know it too when you see it.

 

good luck!

 

 

 

 

Very good sentence and i think a lot of us forget this. Including myself, i fall for the breadcrums.

[betterdeal]

One interpretation is that you are holding onto not being over him to avoid something. You said you were nearly recovered when you re-engaged. I think there's no such thing as nearly in this case. And it's all in your head. You have chosen to carry a torch for him. Find out what it is you're avoiding and you can focus on dealing with that fear more effectively.

 

He is a red herring IMO.

[D-Lish]

In a way you have to sort of see him as a bastard in order to let him go.

 

I did for a while, then I let it go when he apologized, I forgave him.

 

We could never have a happy relationship together, both of us acknowledged this when we had that drawn out talk.

 

I don't know if it would have been better that he never reached out a while back, or if I'm better off having recieved the closure I needed. I healed pretty quickly following the closure talk, so I guess I wouldn't trade that in.

 

Had he not reached out to me I am betting I would still be full of guilt.

 

I guess I just have to figure out what to say.

[D-Lish]

One interpretation is that you are holding onto not being over him to avoid something. You said you were nearly recovered when you re-engaged. I think there's no such thing as nearly in this case. And it's all in your head. You have chosen to carry a torch for him. Find out what it is you're avoiding and you can focus on dealing with that fear more effectively.

 

He is a red herring IMO.

 

I don't think he truly knows what he wants, so in hinting at a reconciliation, he's not really being fair to me.

 

I think he reached out hastily due to a series of triggers. The upcoming holidays, the fact that we met this time last year just before he went on a golfing trip he's just come back from... I know he was most likely watching hockey with his buddies last night and there was probably alcohol involved.

 

My biggest fear is abandonment, and he abandoned me. The fact that he came back almost negated that original feeling of being abandoned- maybe I've been relishing that a little too much.

[hoping2heal]

I don't think he truly knows what he wants, so in hinting at a reconciliation, he's not really being fair to me.

 

I think he reached out hastily due to a series of triggers. The upcoming holidays, the fact that we met this time last year just before he went on a golfing trip he's just come back from... I know he was most likely watching hockey with his buddies last night and there was probably alcohol involved.

 

My biggest fear is abandonment, and he abandoned me. The fact that he came back almost negated that original feeling of being abandoned- maybe I've been relishing that a little too much.

 

If you come to the decision that you will walk away knowing this won't work, I will bet anything you will feel really powerful again too. You will realize that you were just a human being going through a hard time and when you should have gotten love, patience, and understanding you instead got dumped and that is not only so much less than you deserved - but it is also not a result of anything YOU did.

 

I know you felt badly about how you acted during the miscarriage fallout but imo you took way too much responsibility. Someone who loved you in the way you deserved would have been there for you and saw you through your behavior instead of leaving you. You acted in a way that was human and it didn't make you ugly or undesirable or a bad dating partner. You were hurt and vulnerable and going through a lot.

 

The guy wasn't fair to you then and he isn't being fair to you now but yes as you mentioned..feelings make things tricky. There are times in my life where feelings had clouded matters, made them complicated but I knew I deserved better and wasn't going to get it so I said screw it to my feelings and used logic to make the right decision; it has never failed me yet.

 

Maybe this recent date will turn out to be something of substance down the road or maybe it won't but one thing for sure? You need more than magical Christmases and that is the very best you can hope for with the ex. I know you don't want to get back with him - just some reminders for the times when your feelings are pricking you all over.

 

I know "follow your heart" is the constantly preached adage but sometimes you just have to say "screw it' to your heart because afterall - it's not the one with the brain

[tigressA]

A similar thing happened to me recently with my ex, C, and given your participation in threads about him you know how warped that relationship was. He called me after a fight with my BF, said his piece, and admittedly it turned my head. It was everything I had wanted to hear and see from him when we were together, that I never got. I had to make him seem like the overlord of the 7th circle of Hell to myself and everyone who knew about him (I called him 'the ***hole') in order to even start to get over him.

 

When I shot him down but still kept talking to him every so often I had to ask myself--what am I looking for out of this? We were never friends, so how could we be friends now, or ever? It just felt so good to know he had been lonely and pining for me, much the same as I had felt toward him when we were together. But then I immediately remembered, 'Hey, you have someone right here who is and has been more to you than C ever was'--and snapped out of it. Acknowledging that the validation made me feel good was more difficult than I'd care to admit. This sort of stuff is dangerous. Even when you're in a relationship and really happy it can land you in a fog.

[Star Gazer]

At this time last year, you two were first meeting and falling in love. Everything was great.

 

Why's he emailing you now? I suspect nostalgia.

[betterdeal]

I don't think he truly knows what he wants, so in hinting at a reconciliation, he's not really being fair to me.

 

I think he reached out hastily due to a series of triggers. The upcoming holidays, the fact that we met this time last year just before he went on a golfing trip he's just come back from... I know he was most likely watching hockey with his buddies last night and there was probably alcohol involved.

 

My biggest fear is abandonment, and he abandoned me. The fact that he came back almost negated that original feeling of being abandoned- maybe I've been relishing that a little too much.

 

Maybe you want reconciliation but not necessarily a relationship with him. Making peace might help you put it in the past. Have you told him how you feel about being abandoned? I mean, a simple, "you really hurt me" would be a good start.

[betterdeal]

At this time last year, you two were first meeting and falling in love. Everything was great.

 

Why's he emailing you now? I suspect nostalgia.

 

Have the clocks gone back over there recently?

[D-Lish]

If you come to the decision that you will walk away knowing this won't work, I will bet anything you will feel really powerful again too. You will realize that you were just a human being going through a hard time and when you should have gotten love, patience, and understanding you instead got dumped and that is not only so much less than you deserved - but it is also not a result of anything YOU did.

 

I know you felt badly about how you acted during the miscarriage fallout but imo you took way too much responsibility. Someone who loved you in the way you deserved would have been there for you and saw you through your behavior instead of leaving you. You acted in a way that was human and it didn't make you ugly or undesirable or a bad dating partner. You were hurt and vulnerable and going through a lot.

 

The guy wasn't fair to you then and he isn't being fair to you now but yes as you mentioned..feelings make things tricky. There are times in my life where feelings had clouded matters, made them complicated but I knew I deserved better and wasn't going to get it so I said screw it to my feelings and used logic to make the right decision; it has never failed me yet.

 

Maybe this recent date will turn out to be something of substance down the road or maybe it won't but one thing for sure? You need more than magical Christmases and that is the very best you can hope for with the ex. I know you don't want to get back with him - just some reminders for the times when your feelings are pricking you all over.

 

I know "follow your heart" is the constantly preached adage but sometimes you just have to say "screw it' to your heart because afterall - it's not the one with the brain

 

It's funny, I haven't thought about my date from last night. The e-mail threw me off.

 

I knew about 3 months in that we were wrong for one another, but I really liked parts of him despite that. I am still sexually attracted to him, but he is conservative and lacking passion in the bedroom, while I am the opposite. I know he will never budge when it comes to that- I know I could never accept a life of boring sex. I'm emotionally open, he's closed.

 

I thought about it today - and really what makes us most compatible is our sense of humour. We make each other laugh a lot- but I think that's all we have going for us. As soon as something serious came about, we couldn't interact anymore

 

Logic is my friend right now, if I was 21, I'd be back in his arms and back on this board in 3 months lamenting about how things went awry and I didn't see it coming. I am following my brain on this one despite the fact that it hurts a bit to do so.

[D-Lish]

Maybe you want reconciliation but not necessarily a relationship with him. Making peace might help you put it in the past. Have you told him how you feel about being abandoned? I mean, a simple, "you really hurt me" would be a good start.

 

I did tell him that when we met a while back, but to be honest, in the last 2 months of our relationship I laid a lot of guilt on him for not being the stand up guy I needed him to be. I think we instilled enough guilt in one another on various levels.

 

Meeting with him absolved me of my guilt and I think I offered him the same respite from his own demons regarding our situation. I guess we should both be leaving it at that and accept that we aren't right for one another.

[D-Lish]

A similar thing happened to me recently with my ex, C, and given your participation in threads about him you know how warped that relationship was. He called me after a fight with my BF, said his piece, and admittedly it turned my head. It was everything I had wanted to hear and see from him when we were together, that I never got. I had to make him seem like the overlord of the 7th circle of Hell to myself and everyone who knew about him (I called him 'the ***hole') in order to even start to get over him.

 

When I shot him down but still kept talking to him every so often I had to ask myself--what am I looking for out of this? We were never friends, so how could we be friends now, or ever? It just felt so good to know he had been lonely and pining for me, much the same as I had felt toward him when we were together. But then I immediately remembered, 'Hey, you have someone right here who is and has been more to you than C ever was'--and snapped out of it. Acknowledging that the validation made me feel good was more difficult than I'd care to admit. This sort of stuff is dangerous. Even when you're in a relationship and really happy it can land you in a fog.

 

What I wanted out of it was just to be absolved of my guilt for being a crazy pregnant woman. Being his friend, being friendly allowed him to see me as the woman he fell in love with, not the person I became when my hormone's went awry.

 

With the pregnancy and miscarriage I was out of control over a 14 week period- which was about half of our relationship if you include the aftermath of the miscarriage. It's always troubled me that he broke up with me, judged me as a person that wasn't "me".