Very mixed feelings about my choice to divorce. This is to be expected right?

[Severely Unamused]

I've been thinking a lot about my choice to begin divorce proceedings with my husband, despite his objections.

 

The rational side of me knows that this is the healthiest path for both of us in the long run. He has been self-destructive for the past two years, and I haven't really felt like his wife during this period (and to be frank, I just want to be alone). Not to mention his codependency issues. I feel like my continued presence has been enabling a lot of his behaviour in many respects (our MC and his psychiatrist agree). In fact, after separating from each other, our mental health has improved drastically. I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and he's been taking steps to improve himself and return to his old self.

 

But the issue is that I still love him intensely. And even though he emotionally disconnected from me during his affair, I believe that he still loves me. He has still been pursuing me with ideas of reconciliation even though he knows where I stand on this issue (Ain't gonna happen. Maybe in a few years when we have both matured).

 

So there is still a very large possibility that we can still save our relationship and this has been causing me a lot of heartbreak. I know that I have to leave him and this toxic relationship so that we can rebuild ourselves, but it's such a painful thing to do when emotions come into play.

 

I don't know, I'm mostly venting here. Can anyone relate?

Edited November 20, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[denise_xo]

I've been thinking a lot about my choice to begin divorce proceedings with my husband, despite his objections.

 

The rational side of me knows that this is the healthiest path for both of us in the long run. He has been self-destructive for the past two years, and I haven't really felt like his wife during this period (and to be frank, I just want to be alone). Not to mention his codependency issues. I feel like my continued presence has been enabling a lot of his behaviour in many respects (our MC and his psychiatrist agree). In fact, after separating from each other, our mental health has improved drastically. I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and he's been taking steps to improve himself and return to his old self.

 

But the issue is that I still love him intensely. And even though he emotionally disconnected from me during his affair, I believe that he still loves me. He has still been pursuing me with ideas of reconciliation even though he knows where I stand on this issue (Ain't gonna happen. Maybe in a few years when we have both matured).

 

So there is still a very large possibility that we can still save our relationship and this has been causing me a lot of heartbreak. I know that I have to leave him and this toxic relationship so that we can rebuild ourselves, but it's such a painful thing to do when emotions come into play.

 

I don't know, I'm mostly venting here. Can anyone relate?

 

I think what you are experiencing is completely normal and part of those kind of processes. I haven't look at your back story, but from the bits in bold it sounds to me that you might be making the right choice. Unfortunately, 'love' in and of itself doesn't necessarily cut it. Good luck moving forward.

[anne1707]

I think what you feeling is perfectly normal and to be expected. If a divorce meant nothing to you then you would have no feeling whatsoever for your husband and even though he has hurt you very badly, the love you have for him does not switch off overnight.

 

Some of the stuff you post though. Are you sure you want to divorce? Is it worth some more MC just to explore how you both feel?

[Severely Unamused]

Unfortunately, 'love' in and of itself doesn't necessarily cut it.

 

That's why this is so painful: The lack of disconnect between the heart and the mind. Which is odd, since I'm usually the pragmatic type.

 

Some of the stuff you post though. Are you sure you want to divorce?

 

It's complicated. Basically, neither of us want to divorce. But for the sake of our mental wellbeing, we have to divorce. It's too much...

Edited November 20, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[anne1707]

I can understand that. I think under the circumstances, all you can try and do is get through this process with as little anger and bitterness as possible. To be blunt, you will feel miserable as hell for a while (speaking from past experience here) but you will one day start feeling better and look forward to a new future.

[Severely Unamused]

I can understand that. I think under the circumstances, all you can try and do is get through this process with as little anger and bitterness as possible. To be blunt, you will feel miserable as hell for a while (speaking from past experience here) but you will one day start feeling better and look forward to a new future.

 

I agree.

 

The funny thing is that I'm actually feeling quite happy for the most part. This change is necessary for our personal growth, and I think that the two of us have matured by quite a lot during the last 3 months.

 

I just don't like the path that our 2 decade long marriage and 3 decade long friendship has taken.

 

This would be much easier if I had fallen out of love with him first, or if he was more of an *sshole to me.

[goldengirl86]

Sounds to me like you are both mature and good people, who are doing the right thing!

Its like giving a child with diabetes cake, they really want it, but it could kill them. so even though you want something it does not nessarily mean its good for you.

[Severely Unamused]

Sounds to me like you are both mature and good people, who are doing the right thing!

Its like giving a child with diabetes cake, they really want it, but it could kill them. so even though you want something it does not nessarily mean its good for you.

 

That's actually a good way of putting it.

 

Ta.

[Lexygirl]

Severely unamused, I know exactly how you two are feeling. My STBX and I are in the same situation It's tough.

[Severely Unamused]

Severely unamused, I know exactly how you two are feeling. My STBX and I are in the same situation It's tough.

 

Ah, my dear.

 

I remember reading one of your threads a while back. After being in such a neglectful marriage for so long, it's for the best. But I know how rough change can be.

 

You can still be friends with your stbxH right? I can't even spend an hour with my stbxH, without codependency issues arising.

 

To put it bluntly, it sucks b*lls.

 

Just remember the good times, and learn from the bad times.

Edited November 23, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Shane Jimison]

Divorce is not a game so you have choices you have to make your firm decisions what you want to do in your life. Life is full of surprises may be your problems solve out with time. Give some time to your decisions.