Are you friends with xMM/xMW/xAP? Why?

[red shoes]

How many of you are friends with xMM or xMW? Why and why not?

 

If you're the xMM or xMW, would you remain friends with your AP? Why and why not?

 

How is the decision any different than a "normal" type of relationship?

[anne1707]

Former WS here and I work with the ex-OM. No, we are not friends. We are polite work colleagues with no personal conversation.

 

To be friends with him would be disrespectful to my H. It would be overstepping a line that should never be crossed. If a WS has chosen to reconcile with their spouse then there cannot be a friendship with the AP.

 

The difference compared to an ex from before marriage? Fairly obvious I would say.

[Hazyhead]

Hi red shoes. I'm not. Have tried doing so after the affair 'ended', but it only led us to slip back into it. Further to that, I found it hard to move forward because would obsess about what he was doing, etc. Personally, I've always found it hard to be friends with those I've been romantically involved with, xMM and others. To get over it, I have to clear my mind of them as much as possible. I question how possible it is to just be genuine friends.

[red shoes]

Former WS here and I work with the ex-OM. No, we are not friends. We are polite work colleagues with no personal conversation.

 

To be friends with him would be disrespectful to my H. It would be overstepping a line that should never be crossed. If a WS has chosen to reconcile with their spouse then there cannot be a friendship with the AP.

 

The difference compared to an ex from before marriage? Fairly obvious I would say.

 

If you chose not to reconcile with your H, would you have remained friends with xOM? Why?

 

Hi red shoes. I'm not. Have tried doing so after the affair 'ended', but it only led us to slip back into it. Further to that, I found it hard to move forward because would obsess about what he was doing, etc. Personally, I've always found it hard to be friends with those I've been romantically involved with, xMM and others. To get over it, I have to clear my mind of them as much as possible. I question how possible it is to just be genuine friends.

 

I hope you've reached a happy stage after not being friends with xMM or others.

 

Did your xMM or others want to or tried to be friends with you?

[findingnemo]

Yes, I'm still friends with xMM. We are actually starting a business together although everybody advised me against doing this. Apart from a 2 year NC, we have maintained a friendship. We don't see each other much but speak on the phone. Is it a problem for me? It is to some extent. I wonder sometimes if total NC wouldn't have helped me get over my feelings for him. Unfortunately total NC is almost impossible. We share the same friends and business acquaintances.

 

I respect his business brain but have a love/hate R with him as a person sometimes based on what happened and how things ended. Will our friendship lead us back into an A? No. I can't do that to myself again. On his part? He'd jump in a minute. I do avoid any time spent alone with him between four walls though.

[red shoes]

Yes, I'm still friends with xMM. We are actually starting a business together although everybody advised me against doing this. Apart from a 2 year NC, we have maintained a friendship. We don't see each other much but speak on the phone. Is it a problem for me? It is to some extent. I wonder sometimes if total NC wouldn't have helped me get over my feelings for him. Unfortunately total NC is almost impossible. We share the same friends and business acquaintances.

 

I respect his business brain but have a love/hate R with him as a person sometimes based on what happened and how things ended. Will our friendship lead us back into an A? No. I can't do that to myself again. On his part? He'd jump in a minute. I do avoid any time spent alone with him between four walls though.

 

I assume your friends and business acquaintances don't know your relationship. Otherwise you might be able to ask them for their "understanding" while you go NC.

 

Would you still be friends with him if not for your common friends and business acquaintances and if not for the fact that you respect his business brain?

 

So he's happy you remained friends with him?

[findingnemo]

Oh I just wanted to add that I'm still friends with all my exes except my stbxh who is being a d***. So this friendship thing may be for a few people. I'm good at boundaries when it comes to Rs. I wish I was as good with other things:rolleyes:.

[anne1707]

If you chose not to reconcile with your H, would you have remained friends with xOM? Why?

 

Not choosing to reconcile could possibly have meant choosing to be with the ex-OM so it would be a completely different scenario. If that had not worked out or I had chosen to be on my own, then I probably would still have chosen not to be friends. He and I work together so to aid the healing process whilst having to see someone every day, distancing yourself from each other in any way you can is neccessary.

 

The ex-OM has now married someone he met who he started seeing after our affair. She actually has more problems about the two of us working together than my H does. This to me is another reason to not be friends as an innocent third party would be hurt by it. Although I do think it is a bit rich that she has such a problem about the work situation when my H does not. I suspect I am far more honest with my H about what happens at work than the ex-OM is with her.

[red shoes]

Would I be right to say that it's then easier for the xMM/xMW to remain friends with their APs than for the APs to remain friends with their xMM/xMW?

[anne1707]

Would I be right to say that it's then easier for the xMM/xMW to remain friends with their APs than for the APs to remain friends with their xMM/xMW?

 

 

I am not sure how you have come to this conclusion. There was no way that I could have stayed friends with the ex-OM because of what I owed my H. The ex-OM however was free to choose whatever he wanted to do.

[red shoes]

I am not sure how you have come to this conclusion. There was no way that I could have stayed friends with the ex-OM because of what I owed my H. The ex-OM however was free to choose whatever he wanted to do.

 

From what I see around me. And most of the threads here about trying to go NC but it being difficult were by APs. So it seemed that way to me.

 

I guess I shouldn't generalize as it read that way in my post. It just appeared that way.

[anne1707]

From what I see around me. And most of the threads here about trying to go NC but it being difficult were by APs. So it seemed that way to me.

 

I guess I shouldn't generalize as it read that way in my post. It just appeared that way.

 

And there are also lots of posts about fWS who struggle with NC with the AP but they are also struggling with the aftermath of dday with the BS. For a WS choosing to reconcile, if they continue to focus on the pain they feel over the end of the affair then they are not working on the marriage. It is just continuing a selfish pattern of behaviour. In some ways, you just have to "get on with it" because you need to put some one else's needs over yours (at last). The pain the BS feels is far worse than the pain the WS feels - the BS also has to deal with the betrayal, not just the potential end of a relationship.

[red shoes]

And there are also lots of posts about fWS who struggle with NC with the AP but they are also struggling with the aftermath of dday with the BS. For a WS choosing to reconcile, if they continue to focus on the pain they feel over the end of the affair then they are not working on the marriage. It is just continuing a selfish pattern of behaviour. In some ways, you just have to "get on with it" because you need to put some one else's needs over yours (at last). The pain the BS feels is far worse than the pain the WS feels - the BS also has to deal with the betrayal, not just the potential end of a relationship.

 

Sorry, I'm not familiar with the lingo. What do you mean by BS and WS?

[anne1707]

Sorry, I'm not familiar with the lingo. What do you mean by BS and WS?

 

BS = betrayed spouse

 

WS = wayward/wandering spouse

[Hazyhead]

 

 

I hope you've reached a happy stage after not being friends with xMM or others.

 

Did your xMM or others want to or tried to be friends with you?

 

Thank you. Im getting there :-) Upon discussing it, last time we spoke, we both decided it would be too hard. In the past I have had exes that wanted to remain friends, but to be honest, in them I wasnt invested enough in the first place. Those whom I've loved - no.

[mzdolphin]

I tried that with exMM and I'm talking we had everything in common, more than he even has in common with his wife. We were colleagues and even collaborated on the things together, from the same state, cheer for the same football team, etc.

 

But I realized this was just a way for him to keep the door open on the affair. The origional DDay was in summer 2008. After NC for a year we ended up "being friends" until it lead to having sex again. I broke it off again, and again he wanted to "remain friends."

 

I'm sure his wife didn't know about his "best friend" who he claims he can share everything with. This summer he was coming to town and wanted to stop by. I asked "Can I roll up to your house and stop by?" No. "Then you can't roll up to mine."

 

I had to go NC again because it's clear that the affair physical and emotional, would continue if I didn't. He seemed to have no problems disrespecting his wife in sharing intimate details of his life, calling me, confiding in me, trying to arrange meetings, saying he loved me, etc. I began losing more respect for him. Thinking, from what I could see, his wife was working hard, holding down the fort (he works in another city and takes every free moment to be out of town) while he was pursuing another woman.

 

Not the kind of friend I want.

[red shoes]

Thank you. Im getting there :-) Upon discussing it, last time we spoke, we both decided it would be too hard. In the past I have had exes that wanted to remain friends, but to be honest, in them I wasnt invested enough in the first place. Those whom I've loved - no.

 

So you mean you could be friends with people you weren't invested enough in? But for those you loved, you couldn't be friends?

[red shoes]

Any other xMM/xMW on here that could relate your experience with being friends/not being friends with your APs? Why and why not?

[jj33]

Hi red shoes. I'm not. Have tried doing so after the affair 'ended', but it only led us to slip back into it. Further to that, I found it hard to move forward because would obsess about what he was doing, etc. Personally, I've always found it hard to be friends with those I've been romantically involved with, xMM and others. To get over it, I have to clear my mind of them as much as possible. I question how possible it is to just be genuine friends.

 

That.

 

I tried for a long time after the affair was over to be friends we never slipped back into it but it wasnt the right thing for me.

 

I think unless the AP has moved on to a new relationship or is really and truly over the MP its not a proper friendship. Its a way of keeping in touch with the past.

[Hazyhead]

So you mean you could be friends with people you weren't invested enough in? But for those you loved, you couldn't be friends?

 

I probably could, but my point was that I'd have to care enough to pursue even a friendship, and the reason those relationships went nowhere was because I didn't care. And for those for whom I did care I wouldn't be able to be friends because I'd struggle to move on. Im aware I might be making no sense now!

[red shoes]

I probably could, but my point was that I'd have to care enough to pursue even a friendship, and the reason those relationships went nowhere was because I didn't care. And for those for whom I did care I wouldn't be able to be friends because I'd struggle to move on. Im aware I might be making no sense now!

 

No, I think I understand you.

 

I assume you're the AP since you wrote about "xMM and others." I'm curious as to how you became the AP when you "didn't care" about the relationships?

 

Even APs need to be "in love" with the xMM/xMW to be in a "relationship" with them, no?

[Hazyhead]

No, I think I understand you.

 

I assume you're the AP since you wrote about "xMM and others." I'm curious as to how you became the AP when you "didn't care" about the relationships?

 

Even APs need to be "in love" with the xMM/xMW to be in a "relationship" with them, no?

 

Sorry, no (see, no sense) I was in love with xMM and that's why I couldn't just be friends with him. The relationships I didn't care about were previous 'normal' relationships.

[red shoes]

Sorry, no (see, no sense) I was in love with xMM and that's why I couldn't just be friends with him. The relationships I didn't care about were previous 'normal' relationships.

 

Did the xMM want to be friends with you?

[Lilith Crane]

My xMM was one who made MANY, MANY promises to me and always spoke of the future in terms of us being together. He referred to BW as his xW and would say things like he was just "technically married". Every day - this is not an exaggeration - every day he told me just how much he hated her.

 

When d-day occurred he flew to her protection and completely villified me to appease her. He turned on me very abruptly. I was deeply disappointed; and, I have no doubt he was probably telling her just how much he hated me. That still has me seething.

 

So, because of my particular experience, when I saw this:

 

And there are also lots of posts about fWS who struggle with NC with the AP but they are also struggling with the aftermath of dday with the BS. For a WS choosing to reconcile, if they continue to focus on the pain they feel over the end of the affair then they are not working on the marriage. It is just continuing a selfish pattern of behaviour. In some ways, you just have to "get on with it" because you need to put some one else's needs over yours (at last). The pain the BS feels is far worse than the pain the WS feels - the BS also has to deal with the betrayal, not just the potential end of a relationship.

 

I had to take a very deep breath and count to 10; several times actually. I think I can almost get my head wrapped around why this innocent post made such a flash of anger bolt straight through me.

 

As the OW, I felt a huge sense of betrayal too. xMM was just too busy putting on the "Happy Married Couple Show" to notice.

 

HOWEVER...

 

xMM has come around twice now under the guise of "friendship". The first time was about 3 months after d-day. He was very passionate in telling me how worried he was about me but he never really properly apologized for hurting me or for LYING. In his mind, his actions were about just doing what he had to in order to keep all his precious stuff in tact. I was just the lesser amount of collateral damage.

 

My head was still spinning and I was trying to separate out the real truths. So, even though I never let him so much as lay a finger on me, I was far too gentle with him. We were "friends" for something like 8-10 weeks. Though I didn't recognize it at the time, I know now it was just a continuation of the deeply connected and emotional part of our relationship.

 

Then, his wife went bat-crap crazy (deservedly so). Drama - drama - drama ensued. He was gone again.

 

Several months go by without so much as a whisper. I thought he was gone from me forever at that point.

 

Astonishingly enough, two weeks ago, I posted that xMM had come around once again. This time was so different. His effort was pathetically minimal and I was nowhere near gentle. I shut him down very coldly. I was actually a bit surprised at myself, but I know it was the right thing do.

 

Never ever in the history of everdom will this SOB use me again to soothe his ego or to stoke the fires in his ridiculous farce of a marriage. I am DONE.

 

NO - in a situation such as mine, my suggestion is to NOT ever attempt to be friends.

 

**Ahhhh!** Thank you for allowing me that rant. It was actually cathartic! WOW - I really feel better!

 

HA! I guess I am healing a little faster than I thought!

 

I can breathe again.

Edited November 20, 2011 by Lilith Crane

[anne1707]

Oh (((Lilith))). I'm sorry my post upset you (and I know you're not angry with me )

 

I was not trying to compare the pain the BS feels to the pain the AP feels. I was comparing the BS's pain to that felt by the WS. The one thing that is guaranteed in an affair is that the WS is the only who knows all the lies that are being told whether to the BS or the AP.