I like a black guy and having issues......help

[Cal3407]

I like this guy a whole lot. I think he kinda likes me but there are some issues. I am going to be strieght up. I am white and he's black. I live in a nice house, he pretty much lives in the ghetto. I am on the A B honor role, he gets D's and F's. I have never likes a guyy like this before. My past relationships have been pretty much with the All American White boy. I know this guy has potential to be a good person its just his backround that screwed him all up. And plus one of his best freind smokes weed and I think influences him alot. Apart of me is saying that he is just going to screw up my future goals. Where the other side is saying you like him and you could be the one person that helps him change. My whole highschool knows I like him and I like another black guy that everyone knows about. He happens to be a senior who was the start on the football team. I am a freshmen.....I know my parents would flip if they found out about either but I know they would eventually undersatnd. People are starting to say just jokingly that I am going fo the dark side. I don't mind but I am all screwed up. Please Help.

[einahpets]

it doesn't matter what his race is, but it does matter what decisions he makes in life. maybe smoking weed is a phase, maybe it will lead to other things. does he treat you right? don't let him lead you down the wrong road because you like him. even if he was white, would you get involved with someone who does drugs? but sometimes people just need to know you care-it may help them make better decisions. don't worry about the race as much as the drugs. be very careful.

 

don't let anyone tell you there is anything wrong with dating someone of another race. i am white and my bf is indian (not native american, but from india). we have had to deal w/ race issues from people, but we love each other too much to care. my parents used to never want me to date outside my race until they met him. now they love him and can only talk about us getting married. your parents may not like your decision to date outside of your race at first, but if he treats you well (and doesn't do drugs) he may grow on them. remind them that love is colorblind. at least you are with a man who treats you right instead of a white man who abuses you. you cannot choose who you love.

good luck.

[ockey53]

If you like him, go with him. You can at least say you tried. If you change for the worse, just dump him... but he could also be changed by your good habits. If he really likes you... guys will go up and above to change something into what the girl wants. Good luck!

[RackEmUp]

Do you like him for himself, or do you see him as a project for you to work on? Kind of like remodelling. And also where you can prove something about yourself at the same time?

 

His race is probably not a big issue, unless you live in some really backward area. But his very different way of life, and outlook, and habits, and values, IS an issue.

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by Cal3407

I like this guy a whole lot. I think he kinda likes me but there are some issues. I am going to be strieght up. I am white and he's black. I live in a nice house, he pretty much lives in the ghetto. I am on the A B honor role, he gets D's and F's. I have never likes a guyy like this before. My past relationships have been pretty much with the All American White boy. I know this guy has potential to be a good person its just his backround that screwed him all up. And plus one of his best freind smokes weed and I think influences him alot. Apart of me is saying that he is just going to screw up my future goals. Where the other side is saying you like him and you could be the one person that helps him change. My whole highschool knows I like him and I like another black guy that everyone knows about. He happens to be a senior who was the start on the football team. I am a freshmen.....I know my parents would flip if they found out about either but I know they would eventually undersatnd. People are starting to say just jokingly that I am going fo the dark side. I don't mind but I am all screwed up. Please Help.

 

Whoa! Back the truck up a minute.

 

Its not a racial issue that jumped out at me here. That is way down the list. The guy is smoking an illegal drug. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM. You might see potential, but it is NOT UP TO YOU to make any changes in him. We are all a product of our environment and background and it is up to each of us to make changes for ourselves - no one can do that for us. If you like him, you can ask him to clean up his act if he wants to date you, but if he does not then don't date him. Find someone, of any race, that is more suitable to YOU. Someone you have more in common with.

 

Parents can be flexible too and if they flip out if you start dating this guy, I can almost guarantee you it won't be because of the color of his skin, but because of the pot smoking and the lifestyle. He could get himself out of the "ghetto" by studying hard and applying himself to school, and working toward scholarships, etc. to go to college. If you want to have that kind of influence on him -- good. Help him study and do better in school. But don't let him drag you down. Watch your own grades.

 

If you just want to experience dating a 'bad boy' type, BE CAREFUL. Wait until you are a little older. Listen to your parents advice--believe it or not, they might know and understand a bit more than you think and they are only watching out for your welfare and your happiness. They were your age too and you inherited your libido and curiosity and sensuality from them. If they allow you to date him, then go someplace in a group, come home at whatever time your parents tell you to, and allow your parents to get to know him and to talk with his parents too.

[CurlyIam]

I hate to be saying this, but we are all the product of our families. We apply the same methodes, rules and values. I said nothing about education, keep that in mind!

 

Upbringing is really hard to ignore,and you'll find that the older you get, the less people are willing to change and eventually fall back on how they're used to be.

 

You are very young, he's a senior, I can see why you'd feel attracted. Remember you can go out, date him and do everything you feel like as long as school is not affected! That's the top priority; That will open all doors for you! If you are strong enough to face this, go right ahead! But the second you feel less inclined to do your homework less because of him, get out!

 

I think I forgot to tell you to have fun ....

[womanofjustice]

I once considered dating someone of a different race, but decided against it. I agree with you. It is unfortunate but a lot of people from poor backgrounds just aren't able to fit in with those of us who had better upbringings. Combine that with drugs or alcohol and you will be in big trouble. It is simply culturally safe to stay with your own race. Nothing personal intended, but those from bad environments relate better to others from similar bad environments, as do those from good environments. Good luck.

[lapetitepolitique]

Originally posted by womanofjustice

I once considered dating someone of a different race, but decided against it. I agree with you. It is unfortunate but a lot of people from poor backgrounds just aren't able to fit in with those of us who had better upbringings. Combine that with drugs or alcohol and you will be in big trouble. It is simply culturally safe to stay with your own race. Nothing personal intended, but those from bad environments relate better to others from similar bad environments, as do those from good environments. Good luck.

 

...because everyone coming from a good environment is of the same racial identity?

 

i come from a "bad environment", a run-down neighborhood in a city with an incredulous crime rate that's inching skyward by the second. i also graduated near the top of my high school class, got into an exclusive college that's well respected in academia and pay for it with scholarships and grants funded by my 4.0 gpa, and am a published fiction writer. i plan on teaching while getting my master's next year, and you know the first place i'm going once i get job offers?

 

inner-city schools. because i know *firsthand* that kids like this guy are made and not born.

 

Cal3407, i'd advise you not to date this guy. definitely not because he's black. not solely because he's into drugs. but because he has internalized the self-hate that being a disadvantaged black in america produces and is not emotionally nor mentally capable of having a healthy relationship with you, especially if you're not aware of why he is in the state he's in. i won't even recommend you offer your help to bring him out of this nearly inadvertent nihilistic state, because the implications of you being the 'great white hope' are far more damaging than they are good.

 

if i were you, i would concentrate on a boy whose interests were more in line with my own-- whether he was white, black, or anything else.

 

"cultural safety" has nothing to do with this socially-constructed idea of race alone, but has everything to do with the amalgamation of race, class, and socio-economic status. interracial dating can be a huge problem, but it has nothing to do with the "races" being biologically different and everything to do with our societal approach. if you do choose to pursue this young man, i recommend you do it with an open mind and an open heart and read a lot of bell hooks, james baldwin, and frederick douglass books in the meantime. you're going to need to do your homework for this.

 

good luck with whatever it is you decide.