how to move on from bad relationship

[iamnotalone]

Advice Needed for How to Move On

 

When I was a junior in college, I began dating a guy who was just starting college. He was so great and won me over when I was hesitant to date because of our ages. I was right, and we broke up after about three months (his choice). In spite of my age, I was very inexperienced in dating. I was dumb enough to believe our hookups after we broke up were because he truly wanted to be with me, not that he was a typical guy.

 

It broke my heart when he began a serious relationship with a girl in college during my last year there and after I left, and we continued to hookup until it took a toll on our friendship and I told him I didn't want to hear from him anymore.

 

We remained out of contact until he graduated from college and he moved to area I was living. We saw each other during the summer about once a week, and then he stopped calling. At that time, I was pretty much doing whatever he wanted so I'm sure he was disgusted with me and had every reason to walk away.

 

He broke up with his girlfriend and moved away to train for a new job. I started dating someone else. He moved back into the area, and my relationship ended when the guy I was dating moved away. I was heartbroken, and occasionally would write my old boyfriend to distract me from life. I think in a way I have always placed this guy on a pedestal, despite his treatment of me. He is at his core a good guy, and I believed a lot of his behavior was age more than anything (and, of course, my not believing I deserved better).

 

We ended up going out once, and although it was a little awkward, he tried to imply a hookup and I said no. I was truly interested in getting to know him again and if any relationship came from it, it was going to be with better intentions than that. He "forgot" plans we had made once after that and the next time we spent time together he took me to meet his friends. I thought that was a little much since I barely knew him again myself after all those years and it didn't go very well. I was uncomfortable and no one went out of their way to make me feel comfortable. I ended up saying something I regretted which is that I hoped he would find a girl like the girl he dated in college (who in every category outshone me) and after that, our friendship went downhill.

 

I tried to repair it, not with the intention of dating, but trying to fix a friendship. Did I hope that maybe someday we would have a better friendship that might lead him to remember the fantastic girl he dated so long ago? Yes. But I didn't feel much like that fantastic girl at the time, and I wasn't interested in being a hookup girl. I was waiting for him to do something that showed me he was interested in me, and maybe my expectations were off, but I didn't see it.

 

Fast forward to now, and our friendship is non-existant. He has steadily become worse and worse of a friend, not even bothering to contact me or follow through on plans. I have tried to be supportive at a difficult time in his life, and have taken a lot of hits from him about my behavior while never being able to convince him that his own is partially to blame. I recently found out he has a serious girlfriend that he kept from me, even though he knew that to some level I have feelings for him and hoping his feelings toward me would change.

 

Looking back I think he was trying to cut me out of his life by being a jerk and treating me poorly, and sadly, I took it. I'm embarrassed to think that I tried to convince some guy to like me instead of believing he should like me because I was great or that if he didn't see it, that I should walk away.

 

I think mostly I'm sad to think that someone I cared about would treat me this way. That it was better for him to keep me interested and under his thumb than to allow me to move on with my life. That he would keep me on the side even with a girlfriend until I made the situation with his girlfriend uncomfortable, and he kicked me to the curb.

 

I know I can only be angry with myself for allowing myself to be treated so poorly, but I am also sometimes angry with him for treating me that way too. I know it is crazy to feel that way, but I am hoping someone can help me find a way to feel better about this whole situation because I feel awful about it all around.