A NEW coping journal

[nonameone]

Quick back story: 5 year relationship. He ended it. He didn't want to be with me. He had emotional relationships with several other women and I'm not sure about if it was sexual. I thought we were going to get married. I was devistated. He said we would still be friends. I flirted with "no contact", which really meant I did it until I he contacted me. Seven weeks of a painful roller coaster. When I was with him, I felt happy. Like any good drug- it feels good while its in your system but the withdrawel is hell.

 

This coping journal begins with day 2 of no contact, the longest ever. three days ago I got an email from him that prompted all my bad old feelings. It was like PTSD-the feelings flood back like the original pain. I impulsively reply with a long email why I needed to end it. I'm pretty sure I'll never hear from him. I think he only kept me as a friend because it kept him from feeling guilty. I immediately wanted to take the email back. But its gone.

 

In the last day I've felt all the feelings I pushed back by continueing to see him. At moments I long for his call. Then I cry because I'll never get it.

[nonameone]

Today was a day of good times (fun with friends) and bad times (crying as I'm driving). I just keep thinking that I never imagined hurting this much.

 

When I look at this logically I know it is for the best. Logic usually doesn't prevail.

 

I keep looking at my phone, wishing there was a message. There won't be one.

 

I'm learning that being around people is better than being alone.

 

I really should start counting NC days until I get a message from him and forget it. I still haven't let go enough to block all his messages. But I'll try and do it now.

[nonameone]

So I did it. I deleted/blocked all ways he can contact me. Just like everything else- I have mixed emotions. But today I will chose to focus on what is NOW important:

 

• Expanding social life
  
• Regain my fitness so I can participate in fitness activities with friends
  
• Work very hard so I can improve my financial situation as well as improve my self image.
  
• Plan to increase my contact with friends and future friends.
  

 

That's it. Obsessing about him did not make the list.

[nonameone]

Friday I sent the email that told him I couldnt be friends. I've heard nothing since and I won't initiate myself (we both have too much pride). So if I don't count that day (I did contact him) I've had 3 days without contact. The NC day count isn't quite valid- I'm dying for him to contact me and I'm not sure how much resolve I have. I miss him and my old life so much. But RIGHT NOW I know going back would be a bad idea. All the same conflicts would be there- but I woulldn't be able to bring them up for fear of him ending it again.

 

Yesterday was a rollercoaster. Today is a new day. Seems like late afternoon is when things get tough. Alone time.

[nonameone]

Today's "ahah" moment: I will never know the real reason he got rid of me. I will never know what he is saying to other people about me and why our relationship is over-but I'm pretty sure it isn't what I'd say. I will never know what he is thinking and feeling today. And if in a moment of weakness he sent me an email telling me-I'd never believe him because he's a liar.

 

I spend so much of my day guessing-guessing that he tells people I am crazy and he's glad he got out (I'm not crazy), guessing that he should have done it sooner, guessing that he still believes his version of what happens, guessing that he's happy.

 

I WILL NEVER KNOW THE TRUTH. IT DOESN'T MATTER. IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL.

 

For today, anytime I start thinking about this I will remind myself of these facts. I WILL NEVER KNOW THE TRUTH AND IT DOESN'T MATTER.

 

Today I will focus on what does matter- focussing on my goals for myself. There are other challenges I will make for myself, but this is today's challenge.