Bunnyslopes Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 I am just here looking for support. I was involved with a MM until recently - I myself am just now getting a divorce (already in the process before the A started and it is amicable). I am wary of heartbreak and at the same time, very trusting though not naive. I knew what I was getting myself into with a MM but was taken by the emotional and physical connection. To summarize, it was a short physical affair followed by a deep emotional affair. He has been married for 20+ years but works a job that keeps him traveling. He said at one time that if he and his wife weren't always apart they would have separated long ago. She is a good woman and he still respects her. She also became suspicious and confronted him about it, which caused him to withdraw from me. We have talked and he has said that he wants to have space from me to be able to end things with her. This is his only A he has had and I think he was taken aback by how it felt to be confronted and so he lied to her, making him feel more guilty. So now he is in a weird state of limbo - cant let me go but can't tell her the truth for some reason. He doesn't want to see me until he ends things with her but the constant contact via email and phone has not allowed me to move on. So I went NC two weeks ago. I trust how we feel and I trust that he wants to look out for me as well. We have a very respectful relationship. I just don't think he knows how to leave his marriage so I suspect he never will. I'd rather him fall in love again with his wife than know he was staying unhappily but without conflict with her, but that is not my choice. I now just miss him and hope I made the right decisions. Can anyone else relate? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyslopes Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 I guess what I am also asking if people here can share their experience with their MM or MS that can give some insight as to what they deal with and feel after being discovered or confronted by their spouse... And if you all think that the NC route was the best way to get through this? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Some will tell you to stay and support him, be a friend, be his shoulder to help him through this process.. Some may tell you to go NC, to protect YOU from this process.. Whatever your decision is, base on what YOU can and can't handle. Fact is, he is waivering and throwing away 20 years of marriage isn't easy, as much as he loves you, he may not be willing to change everything he knows for the 'unknown.' From what you've said, he doesn't sound like he wants a divorce, more likely wanting to stay married, continue to lie to his wife and have you on the side. IF that is the case, then I suggest you go NC mode with him because it's unfair to you to stay the OW if you want more from him. I take it he has kids, so throw that factor in too.. It's hard enough to leave, let alone leave when there are kids involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyslopes Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Thank you, very solid advice. It's interesting because I think my doubts about our future colors the way I talk about it. I just don't want to sound hopeful that something will work out especially when there seems to be such little chance that it would work even if he wasnt married. He's the optimist in this relationship and during our last conversation he both said he wanted to love me openly and also admitted how hard it was to figure out what to do. He was considering a divorce before I met him, but I know so much about his family and don't know how a divorce would work logistically. I have no kids and he has six - three who still live at home. He has told me his greatest worry is that he would disappoint his children. Their family is also Mormon (he is not). I want to support him but I also know that if I stayed I would worry I would end up resenting his inability to choose. That's why I let go. Thank you - this is helpful to talk through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyslopes Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 I realize I am sounding like I am searching for answers. And no one can give them to me but myself. But it's hard to go through this and the whole NC is something I've never been familiar with in any relationship because I maintain fairly strong open lines of communications. Man oh man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyslopes Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 It's true hockey fan. He was reaching out to me before I asked him to stop because he also just learned his mother has a terminal illness and we most just talked about that or an emotional work project I am involved with. It became more like a friendship with the romantic emails ceasing. Maybe that's why I also feel guilty for not being in touch but I realize he has a support system separate from me. Since I asked him for space he has respected that and not tried to email or call. It's just hard. My guess is that he is trying to evaluate whether he can leave his marriage with integrity still in tact.. And once he learns that this will be too hard to do, he will hopefully try to put more effort into repairing whatever went missing in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bunnyslopes Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Btw. Keep the tough love comments coming. It is helpful for me to hear that I shouldn't expect anything from him and to remember to take care of myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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