Is it worth staying?

[LemonHead]

Hi guys, this is my first post in here but I've been lurking (like a creeper!) for a week or so, seeing what kind of advice and opinions are offered here. I have a situation that I'm not comfortable bringing up yet around my friends. Mainly because they are all also friends with my husband and I don't want to put them in an awkward position of taking sides. Here's the deal:

 

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4. We got married very young (I was 19 and he was 22) for a couple reasons that I'll detail later if anyone cares to know. Anyway, we both still live in the same small town we grew up in and just bought a house here last year. We both have BS degrees and decent jobs, so it would seem that everything is great. Trouble is, I feel like something is wrong. Not necessarily in our relationship, just with my life in general.

 

For starters, I very strongly feel that I must get out of this town. I crave new places and traveling, neither of which my husband has shown any interest in. Some days it's as if my skin is crawling and I will go crazy if I drive past the same damn grocery store and gas stations one more time. I do enjoy my job and there is some room for growth, but there are definitely better opportunities for me elsewhere. Years ago we promised that we would move away after college, but he changed his mind... then we found a killer deal on the house, and here we are. Additionally, he is VERY close with his family and sees his parents on a daily basis (probably one reason he decided he doesn't want to move). This doesn't bother me except that they tend to baby him and then he comes home expecting the same behavior from me, which doesn't happen. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways. We both had very different childhoods and while I love my family, I do not need to see them every second. I'm very independent and I cannot STAND relying on others, while he is very quick to ask for help, sometimes before it's even necessary. That is just an example, but I really think we have become too different to really have a close relationship anymore. I feel like I'm meant to be somewhere else, like I don't belong in my own life.

 

In addition to that, I try to voice my feelings and wishes to him and he rolls his eyes and says I'm being unreasonable. That everyone says they want to move away from their hometown when they're young. That even if I did take off and move away and live a different life, I'd be unhappy there, too. He also says I "punish" him for being close to his family, and it's not his fault that my family isn't as loving or supportive as his. It's so sad because we used to be very much in love, both of us always discussing things and doing whatever we could to make the other happy. But now it's as if he's on autopilot. Like he thinks, we got the house, we both have jobs, this is just our life now, get used to it. And I don't want this. It feels wrong. And while I hate the idea of divorce, I also feel that I have a right to be happy. And I'm positive that staying here like this will not make me happy. It will drive me insane.

 

I understand completely that this is a perfect, shining example of why people shouldn't get married young. And I agree. However, now that it's said and done, am I wrong for wanting to leave and creating a life that I actually enjoy? Or am I being too naive, and I should stay here and stop complaining? I understand that I have a lot to be grateful for, but at the same time, don't I at least deserve a chance to make the life I want?

[LemonHead]

No insights or advice? Maybe I should just take a long trip with a girlfriend or something. I hate this feeling.

[whichwayisup]

Why not go on a holiday with him? Not a girl friend.

 

I suggest you two talk about this. A move can happen in 2-4 years, and it doesn't have to be forever either. People move all the time and sure, there are adjustments and changes to get used to, but in time it always gets better.

 

Don't give up, communicate and listen to one another, and if he still won't hear you out, then maybe do some marriage counselling to help so you guys can communicate better. he's acting passive and sorry, kind of like a man child.. He has to grow up and not be 'babied' by his family then expect that from you. You are his wife, not his mom.

[LemonHead]

Thanks for the advice! I mentioned a trip with a girlfriend because my husband doesn't really like taking trips. He stresses over everything, acting like it's all a burden. Plus, he doesn't like to visit big cities, which is where I love to go. I'll try talking to him some more but I worry that he will say what I want to hear just to shut me up, then go on as if it never happened. The funny thing is, in his line of work he could get a MUCH better job elsewhere. I don't know what his hang-up is. I really hate it because I'm starting to lose respect for him now that it seems he can't function without being at arm's reach of his parents. It also makes me wary of things that we planned on down the road, such as kids and whatnot. :-(

[Shiloh 2011]

Trouble is, I feel like something is wrong. Not necessarily in our relationship, just with my life in general.

 

I have a right to be happy.

 

I understand completely that this is a perfect, shining example of why people shouldn't get married young.

 

Yes, you are a shining example of why people shouldn't get married young.

 

Here's my two cents: (1) talk to him about how you feel without being accusatory towards his life choices or his family. Make sure he understands how important this is to you. (2) Ask him to provide you with his feedback, ie. what does he suggest you do? (3) Try his suggestions. (4) If things work, great! You're back on track. (5) If things don't work, try counseling. Get him to go with you. If he won't go, go on your own in a different town because it sounds like you both know everyone within a 10 mile radius.

 

If you are dead set on leaving, be sure to think through the implications of moving. How will you deal with being in a larger city as a married woman, either by yourself or with him? Can you and/or him find another job and support yourselves? What will you do with your house? What are your expectations and his expectations as he leaves his family, who he depends on so much? If he doesn't come with you how will you feel living alone or with a roommate? What will be your expectations from him if he doesn't come with you? Is your desire to be out of your current situation so strong that you are willing to sacrafice your marriage to it?