How to deal with someone who's emotionally guarded

[iris219]

I’ve taken almost 1 ½ months off of LS in order to try and sort things out on my own with someone I’m currently seeing, without over analyzing. I’ve missed you guys! Now, I need some advice.

 

I struggle with making emotional connections, and the guy I’m dating struggles with this as well.

 

 

Here’s where we are:

• We’re taking things VERY slowly. He feels this is best. He said he’s rushed into things physically with women in the past and these were mistakes. We’ve only kissed 3 times. There’s not much physical affection at all, which is more worrisome than no sex. He seemed uncomfortable hugging me at first; I find it surprising that he ever rushed into anything physical in the past. Part of me is afraid he’s using the past mistakes thing as an excuse for not being more intimate with me. Could it be that he’s really not all that sexually attracted to me, but he’s hoping it will build over time because he likes me as a person? Or could it be that he has intimacy issues in general?
  
• We are both guarded and reserved when it comes to relationships. We’ve acknowledged this, but can anything be done about it? I need someone to decide how they feel about me first, and let me know unambiguously before I can really decide how I feel about them. He’s not giving me enough in order for me to feel more, especially since we aren’t connecting physically. I struggle with being able show someone I care about them, and I’m finding it even harder with him because he’s so similar to me.
  

How do I handle someone who is very emotionally guarded? I want to see what could happen if we moved forward, but I don’t how to make this happen. Even though he’s in self-protection mode, he’s verbally expressive, so he's willing to talk. Any suggestions on how to discuss us both opening up more?

 

This is stressing me out because I feel like I’m wasting an opportunity to connect with a guy I actually like. If I was able to let my guard down, maybe he would be able as well, but I don’t know how.

 

Also, I’m wondering if there’s s simply not enough compatibility and we’re wasting each other’s time hoping for something that doesn’t exist. Maybe we both need to find more demonstrative people?

[joystickd]

Just hold him down and say gimme that d**k I want it now while pulling his pants down.

[norajane]

• We are both guarded and reserved when it comes to relationships. We’ve acknowledged this, but can anything be done about it? I need someone to decide how they feel about me first, and let me know unambiguously before I can really decide how I feel about them. He’s not giving me enough in order for me to feel more, especially since we aren’t connecting physically. I struggle with being able show someone I care about them, and I’m finding it even harder with him because he’s so similar to me.
  

How do I handle someone who is very emotionally guarded?

You handle him the way you want to be handled. Since you are both guarded, you at least understand how he feels and he understands you. Or should. Since he's a talker, then talk. Talk a lot. Make sure you two are on the same page to the extent you can be.

 

You're in a catch 22 - you need him to show you he cares about you before you let down your guard, but he can't show you he cares about you because you haven't let down your guard and shown him you care about him. He can't be unambiguous because you are ambiguous. You can't be unambiguous because he is ambiguous.

 

You BOTH have to take baby steps at the same time. Think of it this way: instead of requiring that he LEAD you (by telling you that he cares about you so that you will follow his lead), think of it as the two of you helping each other through. He's not leading, you're not leading - you're holding each others' hand through it together.

 

Baby steps. If you can't do physical affection, then try another way. DO nice little things for him, like picking up his favorite snacks when you know he'll be coming to visit or cooking his favorite dinner. When you are together, turn off your cell phone and computer and just pay attention to him. THANK him when he does something nice for you, no matter how small or insignificant. THANK him when he says something nice to you. TELL him how much you appreciate his {sense of humor, kindness, skill at flipping pancakes, whatever}.

 

When all of that is second nature, add another baby step, like little kisses or hand holding. Keep taking baby steps.

[smokey bear]

Just hold him down and say gimme that d**k I want it now while pulling his pants down.

 

 

 

 

OOOOohhhh this is just what i needed to hear, i literally laughed out loud, round of applause for that one.

[iris219]

You handle him the way you want to be handled. Since you are both guarded, you at least understand how he feels and he understands you. Or should. Since he's a talker, then talk. Talk a lot. Make sure you two are on the same page to the extent you can be.

 

You're in a catch 22 - you need him to show you he cares about you before you let down your guard, but he can't show you he cares about you because you haven't let down your guard and shown him you care about him. He can't be unambiguous because you are ambiguous. You can't be unambiguous because he is ambiguous.

 

You BOTH have to take baby steps at the same time. Think of it this way: instead of requiring that he LEAD you (by telling you that he cares about you so that you will follow his lead), think of it as the two of you helping each other through. He's not leading, you're not leading - you're holding each others' hand through it together.

 

Baby steps. If you can't do physical affection, then try another way. DO nice little things for him, like picking up his favorite snacks when you know he'll be coming to visit or cooking his favorite dinner. When you are together, turn off your cell phone and computer and just pay attention to him. THANK him when he does something nice for you, no matter how small or insignificant. THANK him when he says something nice to you. TELL him how much you appreciate his {sense of humor, kindness, skill at flipping pancakes, whatever}.

 

When all of that is second nature, add another baby step, like little kisses or hand holding. Keep taking baby steps.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

I tend to respond to overt displays of affection, but I have difficulty initiating in the beginning, and he's not overt in any way, so this is a new experience in some ways. I guess I'll have to be satisfied with baby steps for the time being.

 

I will try harder to let him know that I appreciate what he does. He cooked dinner for me the other the night and admitted that he doesn’t cooks. He hasn’t cooked, at all, in over 2 years. I let him know how much I appreciated this, but I’m never sure how I come across. Sometimes I start questioning why I should even make an effort when I don’t know if he’s making an effort (by effort I meaning moving outside of one’s comfort zone), but I guess the dinner proves he’s trying.

 

He’s the one who typically calls/texts first in order to make plans. I never know what he’s thinking, so I retreat and don’t make contact. Almost every time we hang out, afterwards I think it didn’t go well and that he’s not going to contact me again. But he does, so I guess it’s going OK. I will attempt to make contact first this week.

 

I think if we manage to eventually connect, it would be worth it; I just don’t know if we’ll get there.

[FitChick]

You sound very selfish and immature. You won't give until you get. You will sabotage this relationship and then feel even more scared at the next one.

 

I just act like I always do if I'm dating someone who seems a bit standoffish or shy. If we are walking down the street, I will grab his arm at the light while we cross and don't make a big deal of it. If the guy likes you, he will respond in kind. You have to break the ice.

[Ryuji]

What you two need is some penetration.

 

Penetration of emotional walls that is.

[iris219]

You sound very selfish and immature. You won't give until you get. You will sabotage this relationship and then feel even more scared at the next one.

 

I just act like I always do if I'm dating someone who seems a bit standoffish or shy. If we are walking down the street, I will grab his arm at the light while we cross and don't make a big deal of it. If the guy likes you, he will respond in kind. You have to break the ice.

 

It would be selfish and immature if I was holding back out of principle, but I’m not. It’s not that I won’t give more because I’m purposely holding back; it’s that I don’t know how to give more. It would be very unnatural and awkward for me to do so.

 

I am going to try to give more, but it will be forced and preconceived, so I don't know how effective it will be.

[norajane]

It would be selfish and immature if I was holding back out of principle, but I’m not. It’s not that I won’t give more because I’m purposely holding back; it’s that I don’t know how to give more. It would be very unnatural and awkward for me to do so.

 

I am going to try to give more, but it will be forced and preconceived, so I don't know how effective it will be.

 

Thanking him for dinner with a smile and a kiss feels forced and preconceived? Saying, "it's good to hear from you" when he calls would feel forced?

 

Do it anyway. The more you do it, the more natural it will feel.

 

You said he was as reserved and guarded as you are. You really can't expect him to make big gestures, since you aren't comfortable doing that sort of thing, either. You have to pay attention to the little things he does, just like HE has to pay attention to the little things you do since you won't be open with him, either.

 

For him to be guarded, you need to understand and truly internalize that he has FEARS inside his head, just like you have FEARS. Be compassionate toward his fears, just like you hope he can be compassionate about your fears.

 

I'm sure he'd appreciate any gestures from you, awkward or otherwise. He's just as afraid that you will reject him and hurt him as you are afraid of rejection and of being hurt.

[carhill]

If you struggle, in general, with making emotional connections with people, and you feel it inhibits your ability to have healthy relationships, have you considered professional psychological counseling, particularly in the area of attachment styles?

 

What I'm reading in your postings is a lack of clarity. That's not a bad thing. It's like a fog. The objects are still there, but obscured. Ever drive too fast in the fog? Felt that fear of an object suddenly appearing and crashing into it? Yup.

 

Personally, I feel, absent being married, people should seek such clarity outside of relationships and then approach new relationships with the fog abated and bringing a clearer understanding of oneself and one's potential to the table.

 

This is the quote which impelled this reply:

"It’s not that I won’t give more because I’m purposely holding back; it’s that I don’t know how to give more. It would be very unnatural and awkward for me to do so."

 

Work on yourself.

 

I've dated and loved a few women like this. It was an abyss for myself, emotionally. They sucked the life out of me, whether purposefully or not. When I talk about a woman 'letting me love her', that's one aspect of the statement. 'I don't know how to give more'.

 

If I'm reading this wrong, and this is situational and not global, then tell us about an emotional attachment which you feel is positive, loving, mutual and long-lived. It can be with anyone. How does it go?

[daphne]

Thanking him for dinner with a smile and a kiss feels forced and preconceived? Saying, "it's good to hear from you" when he calls would feel forced?

 

Do it anyway. The more you do it, the more natural it will feel.

I'm sure he'd appreciate any gestures from you, awkward or otherwise. He's just as afraid that you will reject him and hurt him as you are afraid of rejection and of being hurt.

 

Iris,

 

I agreed with a lot of what NJ said.

 

I'm a bit like you. I once dated a guy I liked a lot that was also emotionally guarded. It didn't work out. Neither of us could bridge the gap.

 

I have found that I open up more to someone who's very open. The guy I'm seeing currently is a lot more open than I am, but not the most open I've ever dated. I have learned to practice the baby steps as NJ mentioned above. I have even brought up the differences. He seems to appreciate when I do let my guard down and beam at him when I'm happy that he's being sweet and considerate. I think it's just a matter of time before I feel comfortable that he's in it for the right reasons.

 

You're in a bit of a pickle, since you're both this way. I think your guy isn't as affectionate as you'd like, because he doesn't want to get carried away. I don't think it's necessarily because he's not into you. He may worry that if he gets carried away, he won't be able to keep things going at a slow pace to get to know you before he gets attached. I wouldn't take this to heart just yet. Give him some time, and yourself too. Try to enjoy the time you spend together without thinking about the future, and let go a little at a time. You've gotta practice it at some point. It takes two, not one to open up. Maybe if you lead with a little more confidence each time, it'll bring him some confidence too.

[iris219]

If you struggle, in general, with making emotional connections with people, and you feel it inhibits your ability to have healthy relationships, have you considered professional psychological counseling, particularly in the area of attachment styles?

 

What I'm reading in your postings is a lack of clarity. That's not a bad thing. It's like a fog. The objects are still there, but obscured. Ever drive too fast in the fog? Felt that fear of an object suddenly appearing and crashing into it? Yup.

 

Personally, I feel, absent being married, people should seek such clarity outside of relationships and then approach new relationships with the fog abated and bringing a clearer understanding of oneself and one's potential to the table.

 

This is the quote which impelled this reply:

 

"It’s not that I won’t give more because I’m purposely holding back; it’s that I don’t know how to give more. It would be very unnatural and awkward for me to do so."

 

Work on yourself.

 

I've dated and loved a few women like this. It was an abyss for myself, emotionally. They sucked the life out of me, whether purposefully or not. When I talk about a woman 'letting me love her', that's one aspect of the statement. 'I don't know how to give more'.

 

If I'm reading this wrong, and this is situational and not global, then tell us about an emotional attachment which you feel is positive, loving, mutual and long-lived. It can be with anyone. How does it go?

 

It’s not so much a fog because I recognize what’s going on with me in relationships. I’m aware of it and I own it. I’m just not sure how to change it. On the other hand, I guess it’s foggy because I don’t know how to proceed appropriately when it comes to moving a relationship forward, or I know what I should do, but I just can’t bring myself to do it because it would feel inauthentic. So I freeze up or shut down.

 

In the past, I have typically been involved with men who were caretakers. They were warm and giving, and this allowed me to open up. I respond well to men who earn my trust early on. I don’t take more than I give; I’m pretty sure I’ve never sucked the life out of anyone!

 

My most recent ex, however, was very different. He was distant and unemotional, yet I decided, probably for the first time ever, to open up entirely, almost immediately. Throughout that relationship, I gave more than I knew I was capable of giving and when it ended I felt I was left with nothing. I’ve recovered from that, but now I’m very gun shy.

 

The guy in question is a coworker and that adds another layer of anxiety to the situation for both of us.

 

Iris,

 

I agreed with a lot of what NJ said.

 

I'm a bit like you. I once dated a guy I liked a lot that was also emotionally guarded. It didn't work out. Neither of us could bridge the gap.

 

I have found that I open up more to someone who's very open. The guy I'm seeing currently is a lot more open than I am, but not the most open I've ever dated. I have learned to practice the baby steps as NJ mentioned above. I have even brought up the differences. He seems to appreciate when I do let my guard down and beam at him when I'm happy that he's being sweet and considerate. I think it's just a matter of time before I feel comfortable that he's in it for the right reasons.

 

You're in a bit of a pickle, since you're both this way. I think your guy isn't as affectionate as you'd like, because he doesn't want to get carried away. I don't think it's necessarily because he's not into you. He may worry that if he gets carried away, he won't be able to keep things going at a slow pace to get to know you before he gets attached. I wouldn't take this to heart just yet. Give him some time, and yourself too. Try to enjoy the time you spend together without thinking about the future, and let go a little at a time. You've gotta practice it at some point. It takes two, not one to open up. Maybe if you lead with a little more confidence each time, it'll bring him some confidence too.

 

I'm glad to hear you have positive predictions for your current relationship.

 

I too respond better to someone more open than myself. The guy I'm dating would probably respond better to someone more open as well, which makes me think we're not right for each other.

 

I'm going to hang in there for awhile and see what happens. I don't mind baby steps, as long as there seems to be some sort of progression. I think we need to have a discussion about our hopes and expectations.

[daphne]

I'm glad to hear you have positive predictions for your current relationship.

 

I'm not sure if that was meant to be sarcastic, but I do have positive feelings. I'm sorry that you don't. I was only trying to help. My bad. Feel free to denigrate the next person who is trying to be positive for you.

[iris219]

I'm not sure if that was meant to be sarcastic, but I do have positive feelings. I'm sorry that you don't. I was only trying to help. My bad. Feel free to denigrate the next person who is trying to be positive for you.

 

 

I was being completely serious. I'm happy you seem optimistic. I am glad to hear someone who has had similar struggles as myself seems to have found a fulfilling relationship and is happy.

[daphne]

 

I was being completely serious. I'm happy you seem optimistic. I am glad to hear someone who has had similar struggles as myself seems to have found a fulfilling relationship and is happy.

 

It was probably the presence of the rolly eyed guy that had me doubting.

 

I think the big message I'd like to impart, is not to waste your youth being scared of taking risks in love. You're wasting your best years. Life is short. I know you probably hear that all of the time, but it really is. It passes faster than you think. You don't want your opportunities to pass you by while you're scared to get hurt. You will get hurt. That's a fact. But if you can hold on and ride it out, you'll experience love as well. And you'll learn to trust your ability to weed out the losers from the keepers. And you'll learn how to heal quicker when you mistook a bad one for a good one.

 

The quicker you move through these lessons, the closer I think you get to attaining happiness.

[blueskyday]

I don't know. I'm not a big fan of putting myself way out there, waiting for someone to return the energy. That attitude has burned me before with unemotionally available men.

 

I agree with the idea of taking small risks, as in complimenting a guy and telling him I feel excited to see him, etc...BUT, if it wasn't being reciprocated in some way, then I would be out.

 

I don't give more than I am getting. Sorry, but that attitude is reserved for our relationships with our children, and for relationships that have a strong foundation. Sometimes we have to give more in those situations. It's not a question of back and forth in the short term with a long term relationship.

 

But, that attitude of putting yourself out there without someone showing that they are wanting you to do that, is very scary. It can also set you up for lopsided and abusive relationships.

 

So, I put myself out there in little ways. Trust is defined as the amount of risk you will take with someone. After reading the attachment styles link someone posted earlier, I see that we need to have a CONSISTENT positive reaction when we try to get closer to someone.

 

Then we have the belief that they want to be there for us, and want intimacy with us. This belief makes us relax and feel positive. Then we will take a BIGGER risk with them, which increases trust. I don't believe in this crap of you either trust me or not. It takes time and consistency.

 

I try to balance someone else's needs with mine so we are both happy. What I don't do anymore is put myself out there with someone who isn't showing me that they want me there, or that they care about my feelings or interests.

 

So, yes, it is a big catch 22. Both sides need positive reactions to an overture that seeks closeness or at least shows it is safe to open up to the other.

 

And it requires courage to put yourself out there to see if you will get a positive reaction. The trick is seeing if that person takes a step closer towards you when you take one towards them.

 

I no longer run toward someone who can't take a step towards me as well, even if it is to talk about what their fears are. See? That IS a step toward closeness.

Edited November 21, 2011 by blueskyday

[iris219]

I had previously decided to hang in there and see where this goes, but I'm changing my mind. This is causing me a lot of distress, and we aren't even in a relationship yet. It's also awkward at work, so I usually try to avoid him there. If we happen to run into each at work, it's two uncomfortable people trying to awkwardly make small talk. FTR, I'm good at talking to most people, but terrible with him. It's like we stifle each other's personalties.*

 

I've felt way too much stress and confusion about this. The beginning of a relationship should be the most fun. I think we would both be happier and would benefit from being with other people, people who are less similar to us. I plan to bring up this point the next time we talk. I'm curious to know how he responds to aggressive, expressive women. I have feeling that would work best for him.*

[somedude81]

 

Also, I’m wondering if there’s s simply not enough compatibility and we’re wasting each other’s time hoping for something that doesn’t exist. Maybe we both need to find more demonstrative people?

That's pretty much what I was going to say.

 

Why waste so much effort in trying to force things?

 

Find somebody else with whom things will be easier.

[daphne]

It's up to you. However, I do feel that two people are responsible for making things work in a relationship. I think it would be a good opportunity for you to practice holding your end of the bargain in being open & taking some risk. I'm not suggesting anything that I haven't made myself do. It may be uncomfortable, but I think it's necessary for a healthy relationship. So I just practice.

[iris219]

It's up to you. However, I do feel that two people are responsible for making things work in a relationship. I think it would be a good opportunity for you to practice holding your end of the bargain in being open & taking some risk. I'm not suggesting anything that I haven't made myself do. It may be uncomfortable, but I think it's necessary for a healthy relationship. So I just practice.

 

I tend to give up easily. As soon I don't like what I feel I retreat.

 

We actually had a really good, natural conversation today. I guess I should stick around and see what happens if I start giving more. I could use practice being uncomfortable and figuring out how to be more comfortable (rather than running away). I like this guy more than anyone I've met this year; I might regret giving up so easily, even though giving up seems enticing right now.

[norajane]

I tend to give up easily. As soon I don't like what I feel I retreat.

 

We actually had a really good, natural conversation today. I guess I should stick around and see what happens if I start giving more. I could use practice being uncomfortable and figuring out how to be more comfortable (rather than running away). I like this guy more than anyone I've met this year; I might regret giving up so easily, even though giving up seems enticing right now.

 

Giving up and retreating are not good options if you ever hope to have a relationship that succeeds. You can't run away at the first signs of difficulty, challenge, or discomfort. If you do, you will run away from every relationship you ever have.

 

You've tried being with those outgoing caregiver types that make it easy for you to be open. And all those relationships failed anyway. Try something different - grow a little as a person with this guy. You might be surprised how empowering and self-esteem building it can be to do things that are challenging and difficult. The hardest stuff is often the most rewarding.

[daphne]

I tend to give up easily. As soon I don't like what I feel I retreat.

 

We actually had a really good, natural conversation today. I guess I should stick around and see what happens if I start giving more. I could use practice being uncomfortable and figuring out how to be more comfortable (rather than running away). I like this guy more than anyone I've met this year; I might regret giving up so easily, even though giving up seems enticing right now.

 

I agree with NJ. And I do think practice would be good. After a certain time, practice becomes habit and becomes comfortable.

 

Regret will be inevitable if you continue to run from this type of thing out of fear. You will look back once the light bulb goes off and ask yourself how you wasted so much time being stuck in a rut.

 

When you get there, just remind yourself over and over that everything will be ok. It always ends up being ok, regardless. You just need to calm your mind from thinking worst case scenario.

[Ruby Slippers]

I say give this a chance. As I recall, you have really struggled to meet guys who are remotely close to what you're looking for. Now you've found one! Yeah, he's not perfect. Nobody is. I say give this more of a chance. You have nothing to lose by sticking with it a bit longer, right?

 

I think you have to give yourself permission to start trying this guy on as 'the one' in your mind. It doesn't mean he is. It doesn't mean you won't be fine if it doesn't work out. But it means you will start looking for things you have in COMMON, which is central to the success of ANY relationship.

 

If you want more warmth, give more warmth. If you want him to lower his guard, lower yours. Men want to be with women who welcome the things they do to make their lives better. Let him in more. Let him put a smile on your face. Have fun with him. Then you'll know if things get better or not.