We both left our partners for eachother, and now he's gone back to his wife

[Stripey]

This is all new to me, so please go easy...

I had been married for 7 years with 2 beautiful kids. The marriage was great in ways and terrible in others. He was successful and providing us with a fantastic lifestyle and I was raising the kids and keeping up the happy family image for all. We loved our children. We'd had good times but the relationship between us had become totally disconnected. No affection, barely any communication and no sexual connection.

 

Not surprising then that I should eventually fall in love with someone else. Deeply and completely. Unlike we neither of us had ever experienced. Once this occurred, there was no point even pretending i could carry on with my husband. We tried counseling but my state of mind was so affected, there was no real desire for me to try. The OM also left his wife (no kids). We decided because of the traumatic way we came together that we would need to give eachother lots of time and space. We kept attempting friendship so we could have time alone before starting a new relationship, but never lasted long before we came together again. Then the stressfulness really set in. His relationship with his wife was not in bad shape like mine had been with my husband. The guilt of leaving her began to eat him alive.

 

In the meantime my kids have adjusted extremely well to the new circumstances. They have 2 loving homes and have 50/50 time with their mum and dad. We see eachother regularly and the kids are doing great. In fact, they get more from their dad now than they ever did.

 

Finally my lover came completely clean with his ex-wife. Told her all about me and how he felt. That he would never go back. On Sunday night he came to me and said that we were now really together for the first time, he was mine (despite the fact that he left her 8 weeks ago). Then the next day, she told him she would not go without a fight. By Wednesday he had decided to go back and try again. Told me that he could not live with himself unless he really tried one more time.

 

Most of me knows it is the right thing. She deserves another chance and he would not deal with the guilt of leaving her very well. This doesnt change the fact that he is still deeply in love with me and I with him. Its just what has to be done. Im angry that this has happened, yet I know that the marriage was his first promise. Im sad to be alone yet know that my previous marriage wasnt working either.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?? How do you mend from this?? Dont slam me, Im perfectly aware this is self inflicted. Id like some friendly advise for the future, or to hear your story? Is he likely to change his mind? How to I stop myself from hoping and waiting for that possibility??

[capitald]

Don't slam you...hmmm....I don't know if I would do that because you are probably hurting and can't deal with that right now. What I will say is that you left yourself real open, now you have no one and what did that prove? I am sure you have some twisted and warped way of viewing the whole picture or should I say scenario, but you didn't really teach a positive lesson to anyone or really prove anything but what a mess you could make.

 

On a couple positive notes:

1. perhaps the guy that you like will come back to you.

2. You seem to have the appeal that attracts men so you should be able to find a new one. With this new one try and make it work even if it kills you.

[Debster]

Has anyone experienced anything similar?? How do you mend from this?? Dont slam me, Im perfectly aware this is self inflicted. Id like some friendly advise for the future, or to hear your story? Is he likely to change his mind? How to I stop myself from hoping and waiting for that possibility??

 

Can't say I have experienced anything similar.

As for how you mend from this, my advice is to learn from it.

 

Friendly advice: Realize that if you are in a relationship you have to take the pros and the cons. If you can't, then don't be in a relationship. If you feel tempted take time to fix things with your relationship before going externally. Stay away from men who are taken = it's a sure-fire way to get hurt.

 

If he does change his mind would you want him back? Why would you want a man that on Sunday decides to be with you and then four days later changes his mind?

 

To stop yourself hoping and waiting for that possibility keep repeating to yourself that you want a man who can stay with you 100% for more than 4 days.

[Stripey]

Debster and Capitald

Thanks for taking the time. Its some comfort just to know Ive communicated with someone. I am determined to learn from this. I have previously told myself i will never marry again, because what is the point of making promises that dont seem to be able to be kept. A better attitude would be to think I will marry and do whatever it takes to make it work. I would have liked to have the benefit of this lesson to fix the relationship with my ex-husband. But - he wouldnt go near me now, all the trust is gone of course as I told him everything - he wanted to know. As you say, a big fat mess.

Stripey

[leilab]

Yes, my story is the same as yours. Last week the papers were served and I am dealing with the lawyer etc. to end my marriage.

 

My MM has gone back to his wife. That was 2 months ago. I am still devastated and cannot believe it has happened.

 

I'll be happy to send you a PM if you like and give you the details of the drama as I am still in a lot of pain over the whole thing and getting slammed does not help me one bit.

 

I would love to tell you that this will be easy, but in my case this has been harder than quitting smoking or drinking.

[Stripey]

hey leilab

 

yes, I would really like to hear your story and perhaps be able to share more of mine with you. Im a bit scared that dredging it up will be even more painful, but I think knowing someone else is experiencing it may be helpful. Over to you. Look forward to hearing from you.

[capitald]

I don't mean this as a slam, pardon if it is:

 

"I would have liked to have the benefit of this lesson to fix the relationship with my ex-husband. But - he wouldnt go near me now, all the trust is gone of course as I told him everything - he wanted to know."

 

There is the lesson that is to be learned right there in those words. As bad a husband as he may be, you still wronged him but not giving him a chance and by the fact that you most probably broke his heart, as the saying goes.

 

So there is another side of finding a solution to your problem besides not failing into the temptation of another and that is, don't think that people (i.e. your husband) are necessarily hopeless cases.

 

Its sounds like fear takes control and reeks havoc. You have to take control of your life and your fear, right now!!!!

[leilab]

I have been married for 11 years, with two kids like you, 10 and almost 7. they have been the focus of my life. My soon to be Xhusband loves them as much as I do. And together we have a good time - but for years our relationship has gone to the point where I feel only friendship for him.

 

I had made some big changes in my life and 6 months later comes MM. 8 years ago we worked together, and we fell in love. At that time we wer both already married with kids, he was already in his 2nd marriage with another child. We had a total "love connection" and had an affair at that time - at some point he just disappeared without a word. He also left his government job. I was devastated then.

 

Here he comes back 8 years later (he had started working for the City again several years ago) and calls me up and works his way back in. When he first called me I knew I was still in love with him - and so we started talking again, then seeing each other, and eventually becoming as close as two people could get (or so I thought).

 

We were seeing each other everyday for coffee, talking on the phone, and spending a lot of time together, including every Friday. He had finally found his soul mate, he wanted to die in my arms, spend the rest of our life together, blah, blah - the best one was: if he could change one thing in his life he would wait for me.

 

Anyways he had a lot of guilt issues about the loss of his children in his first divorce; and really had fear of going through divorce again. He always would say that he didn't know if he could go through it again, that if was very painful. And I did not push him - I was dealing with my marital issues. He also brought up his family, his son, and the fact (don't laugh) that he wife is in the first stages of Alzheimer's. Of course I was sympathetic - the poor guy.

 

The weekend he decided to tell his wife I thought that this was finally going to end the drama (the reason for telling his wife is another awful story). Come Monday he was emotionally spent and told me his wife was unwilling to "give up at this point". 3 weeks of him slowly distancing himself from me (I see that now), avoiding me and making excuses for why he wasn't seeing me.

 

Then Friday, March 12th , I got my answer. He realized that he was still in love with his wife. And he wanted to work on his marriage - it had to stop. And that it would never happen again (probably his wife was standing next to him demanding he end his affair and she wanted proof).

 

End of story. No calls. No nothing since then. Me: destroyed (2x in one life time by the same guy).

 

Divorce is filed and I am seeing my lawyer on Friday for the specifics.

 

I wish I could say I have moved on or that I don't still love him. I do. I am not angry or contemplating revenge. This was my own doing and I guess I will learn to accept the reality that he has made a choice and I do not have any power to change his decision. I just never was clued in to the fact that MM loved his wife - he made me believe I was the only one he wanted or loved.

[Stripey]

I put a response to this on your thread

Stripey

[magda]

Make sure you leave your man alone. If you really are understanding about his needing to try again with his wife.. that means you have to be far away. Because if you are still at all in the picture, he's not trying. And what makes you think he'd be faithful in a relationship with you anyway? You don't sound confident that you'd be faithful, either, so you have nothing to gain and therefore nothing to lose by losing him.

 

You don't trust yourself and that's why you're thinking of never marrying. Far as I can tell it was only you who broke the promise. Your lover came close, but even he is more trustworthy than you have been.

The marrying thing isn't so much an issue - what you need to learn is how to trust yourself. I have no insight as to how you can do that because I know nothing about you beyond your dishonesty in relationships, but I foresee a lot of "alone time" in your future while you straighten out who you are.

[Stripey]

Ive done a lot of thinking and would like to spend a lot more time thinking about reconciling with my husband. The only reasons I wouldnt do it right now is that I recognise I need to have a very clear head to do it and that he wouldnt go near me now - he has been so betrayed. Its likely he will never want me back, although he tried very hard to convince me to give it another chance whern we were seperating. I need to give him and me a lot of time before broaching the subject I think.

 

And yes Magda - I need to stay away from the MM. He just goes with the pull of the tide - which ever woman is impacting on him most - he turns to. I recognise that we would be a disaster together, no matter how much I love him, and need to give him the best chance to fix his happiness. So must stay away.

 

And youre right also, you dont know much about me beyond my decietfulness in relationships. And its really important for me to remember that I am a good person who will not be defined by one big fat mistake. Or else Im screwed.

[magda]

I can at least vouch that you seem to be very honest with yourself & realistic now.

[DavidCM]

Was it worth it?

[leilab]

If you ask me, staying friends with him is working for you - you start seeing him with flaws. That may eventually make you lose interest in him. Maybe. I know I could not do that - if you are logically thinking about whether or not you should go for one more night - then you have way more control over yourself then I ever did. And that is great. So don't go there, because men and women are different. Expecially when it comes to sex - you will feel more attached.

 

I am glad for you that you are in contact with him - if you really love him just seeing him and talking to him allows you to observe what is happening in his life without being in the middle of their marriage. I can tell you that from my perspective. SDC said in one of her threads, she doesn't only miss him, but who she was with him. I totally understand that - and I also miss my best friend, the other part of myself.

 

Also, I am interested in hearing what made you decide on trying to work things out with hubby? What are your feelings for him? Your words were comforting to me - thx a lot. Unlike most I do wish that he would have never come back into my life - if I had known that he would just walk out of my life again.

[Stripey]

Tough question. But the answer is yes.

 

For one, I was forced to face up to the realities of my existing relationship. If it hadnt happened we would have gone on, both miserable and denying eachother any real chance of happiness. By the way I have since talked to my ex about reconciliation. And he believes very strongly that it will never happen. Not because I fell in love with someone else, but because ne believes we are not right for eachother and never will be.

 

I argued that for the first time in 12 years we are both in a position where we can see clearly the things we need to focus on and are both motivated to do something about it. He says, that although we love eachother and would both dearly like it to work for ourselves and our kids, we are just too different. We want different things out of life, want to live differently and have different values. I cant stand the thought of not being able to prove I can do it, but I know in my heart he is right.

 

And in terms of the OM. I got to experience an intensity of love I only thought existed in fairy tales. Now I know its possible. I know I wont have it with him, but I know its out there. And as my OM told me just the other night in a letter:

 

" I dont know how I will deal with the way I have changed your life and disrupted what you had, but I believe that you are on the brink of being the person that you always wanted to be and you will do that without having to be defined by or controlled by who you're with rather than who you are."

 

The other thing is that his relationship with his wife was sorely neglected. As a result of this he is making a concerted effort to be who he should have been to her. So she gains as well.

 

So for those reasons, yes, and they are very good reasons if they can counter the unmeasurable pain that has resulted from this.

[Stripey]

hey you!

 

Why did I think that I should try again with hubby? Because I never really did try and felt I owed it to everybody. I figured we couldnt of lasted as long as we did if there wasnt a good basis for a relationship. I still believe that to a certain extent. He doesnt though (more explanation on his response on the post above). Part of me is heartbroken he feels like that and part of me is relieved. The reasons our relationship failed were very real. We have agreed from the start of this that our relationship ended becasue things werent working between us. The affair was just the reason it ended NOW. Like you, I have a very brotherly love for him. Having an intimate relationship with him just doesnt work. Call it chemistry - I dont know. We just dont spark and never really did. I would like to think we could fix that with effort, but thats not good enough for him - it should just be there.

 

As for OM. HMmmmmm..... what to do. The evening we had the other night was really nice. Talking about how to be frends, talking about how much we love eachother, but it just cant be - not for now and maybe never. But he had a few too mmany wines, and eventually said things like "its not over". But then followed it up with "I have 2 paths to chose from, and I chose the one that makes my sould feel good - im not talking about my heart". and then "It will work with my wife, Ive been telling you I dont know, but I know it will". At that point I told him its OK for him to justifiy to himself what he's got to do, but when he does it to me he has crossed a line that is too painful. And I said I thought he should leave. So he got up and left without a word. So, needless to say, I doubt that one last night will ever happen now, and thats probably a lucky escape for me. I can kid myself that I wouldnt getr pulled back in emotionally, but of course I would.

 

I see him again tonight. We are both actors and rehearsing in the same show at the moment - great eh....

 

How you doing??

[leilab]

We just dont spark and never really did. I would like to think we could fix that with effort, but thats not good enough for him - it should just be there.

 

That is interesting - my husband has felt that way about being able to fix it/work on it and I agree with your husband - there should be a level of physical attraction between spouses. And for me it has not been there for a long time.

 

So you get to see him again tonight? You know until my MM dumped me I never looked at this website or was contemplating even leaving him. I thought our situation was totally unique and that we were totally meant to be together forever. I would have sworn on a stack of bibles. You know the whole thing about setting them free, and if they come back they belong to you. Well, that did occur with me. Only problem, the damn bird left again.

 

By the way, how are your kids doing with all this? Do they know about the boyfriend? You are way ahead by already reading all this material and how all MM have pretty much the same pattern. I was totally clueless in my fantasy world with him.

 

Matter of fact, if I knew what I know now I would definitely not been so understanding to his sad sob stories; and also made my demands pretty clear. I was more understanding and compassionate with him then ever in my life. For three weeks I was calling him and leaving him messages of encouragement and letting him know that I understand, and I am thinking of him ---He had told me that he went to the doctor and say the xray and it did not look good--he thought he had lung cancer. STUPID ME - that was probably a bunch of B.S. and he was just trying to distance himself from me and at the same time have me feel sorry for him.

 

Anyways, the kids and I are off to Hapkido and Pizza afterwards. Keep reading this site - it will help you in steering through the muddled waters. You sound like you have got a good head on your shoulders.

[Stripey]

Shame you live on the other side of the world. Sounds like you could be a good friend!

 

I was like you - I didnt read this web site until I got dumped either, and then started seeing the patterns. Hurrumphhh....

Ive reached a new point and it feels quite pivitol (either that or the anti depressants have finally kicked in!!). I saw him on Friday night. A lot of things happened - but to keep it brief:

 

1. He got very drunk again, and I finally admitted to myself that he is probably an alcoholic. Unbelievable. Other readers will laugh in my face, but i am a REALLY sensible person normally. REALLY!!! How could I have fallen for this guy??? I mean, I like a few wines myself, but nothing close to an addiction. So when we saw eachother and share a bottle or 2 I just saw it as part of the seduction. Ive seen enough now to know he has a big big problem. His father is an alcoholic too. What makes me so angry is that he is going back to his wife who has sat by for the last 7 years and watched him drink and done nothing to encourage him to get help. She is totally submissive, and I can now see how that works for him. She doesnt challenge his addictive behaviours.

 

2. He got 'friendly'. Just kisses, and Im not proud of it, but I played a big part in that. I guess I just had to push it once to see if this decision would stick (as all the other decisions thus far havent). He asked me to have him over for dinner the next night. I checked with him 10 times that night if he would come - yep yep yep. I drove him home that night (we went out with a group of friends to see a band). He was completely off his trolley. I even knew that his wife was coming over to his flat after that. Yes Im a sucker for punishment.

 

3. 4pm on Saturday, he cancels dinner. Going to spend the night with wife. It wouldnt be right etc etc etc. That, right there was the point at which my heart broke. I spent the next 36 hours close to suicide. For the first time the full implication of the complete mess really hit me. I went to the very bottom. As low as you can go.

 

Then today something in my brain went click. I realised he is not the guy I fell for. Im not in love with him anymore. REALLY!!!! If he was the guy he was for me 5 months ago, I would be. But I dont even recognise the man I see today. He's become cold and self centred. There is none of the compassion and tenderness that drew me in. So, there is a very big upside to us staying in touch. He has completely cured me. I know he sounds like an utter bastard, but the guy I fell in love with (who had already been my friend for a year) was truly the most wonderful, passionate, giving man. I just dont know where he went.

 

AND, I had become obsessed with getting back with my Ex. That has also been put into persepctive. I know I wronged him, but i also know he wronged me. He neglected me emotionally for years, and the lack of attraction was probably insurmountable.

 

So here I am. Happy to be alone for the first time.

 

Who would have thought it!!!!

 

Well, I dont expect to stay feeling this good indefinitely. But Ill keep on it, and keep reading this site. Its been such a good thing for me. And thanks to you leilab. Ive really enjoyed hearing from you.

 

Oh - the kids. They are doing really well. They love the 50/50 thing. My ex is a great dad and keeps them stimulated and happy. The 6 year old occasionally says she wishes we didnt live separately anymore, but she remains happy. In fact, the last few weeks shes been saying "mum, this has been the best day ever". A good sign I think. They never knew about what happened with the MM. They know him as a freind, as part of my group of theatre freinds, but nothing else.

[leilab]

Based on a couple of things you said - you must be in England.

 

First of all, let me say that I am sooooooooo glad to hear that your kids are doing find through all this. Being in the middle of my divorce, and all along, that is what I have been afraid of most. I adore my two kids, and my little girl (7) is my little princess. My love my two kids is what gets me through the tough spots.

 

Those are also the reasons to make it through the days - no matter how bad it gets/ or is. When I have a really bad day, I just crawl into bed with my little girl, hug and kiss, and she will come up with a "pretend" game that always gets my mind off things at least a little. If I really feel bad and can't get out of bed, she pretends she is the doctor.

 

Both of us are truely blessed by having kids in our lives that love us. And believe me their love is not conditional. Or 50%, or anything like that. They love us 100%, all the time. I cannot EVER remember a time that either of my kids abandoned me at a time where I was completely down in the toilet. Even my tough son would come and check on me. So take heart in those facts and snuggle up to then when you feel bad.

 

Also, keep taking your medication and try to be good to yourself. I am impressed that you have seen the light; I wish I had. I still think that my MM is coming back and we will live happily ever after. My heart and my brain definitely do not see eye to eye.

 

The other thing I wanted to tell you about is the drinking aspect of your relationship with MM. Realize that if he stopped drinking he would be a totally different person all together. Why do I say that? I stopped drinking almost 2 years ago. It was at a time that I had told my husband that this was it - either the alcohol went or we were through. I stopped drinking, lost 20 pounds and started finding a new person underneath all that alcohol. I probably was drinking so much because I was unhappy and did not want to deal with reality. After a year of no drinking, I was totally different and was pretty sure that I did not want to be with my husband (no attraction w/out the alcohol). Alcohol was probably a big factor in my marriage and not to have it part of my life anymore is the best thing I ever did for myself. But I had to do it for myself - nobody else can help you or make you stop.

 

It is also what I went through in terms of the change in behavior. One day he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me & told his wife. Then he became someone I did not recognize. Ignored my calls, lied to me, and finally told me things he had never mentioned before. And he was distant, cold and uncaring. Very much like the way he was when he broke it off 8 years ago. I made fun of the way he was back then by naming him his evil twin. And MM had told me that evil twin no longer existed. Really????????

 

AND, I am glad that you are happy to be alone - that is where I hope to be once the divorce and this "living together" is behind me. I want to spend time thinking about what I want and who I am. You may want to take time to figure that out for yourself. You're probably obsessing about your ex somewhat because you are not used to being alone and want someone with you.

 

Anyways, hang in there.

[Stripey]

New Zealand actually!

 

I like the Evil Twin analogy. Its very appropriate for my MM. He really is Jekyl and Hyde. I dont know this superior a@##@@le who I now see. And believe me, if it wasnt for our commitments that mean we have to see eachother, I would be saying 'no contact' - this seeing but no touching is tourture - even if he isnt himself. Urrrghhhh....

 

Interesting what you say about the alcohol, because from the begining he said to me that he thought he had to give up the booze, but I might not like who he was when he did. The other very interesting thing is that when he left his wife for me, he gave it up, spent a few weeks sober and really liked how it felt. Since he's gone back to her, everytime Ive seen him he's been drinking. Heavily. Now what does that say????

 

And the other night when he ended up at my house, and I said why are you here? And he said, because I love you..I love you.....

 

But is he coming back??? No!!!!!

 

This aint going to be over quick is it? I havent seen him all week, nor spoken to him becuase hes been away on tour. I do know he is sleeping with his wife again, so in a way that makes it really easy for me to stay away. I just couldnt go there now knowing that. Ouch. We never had sex while he was still living with his wife, it only happened after he moved out, and even though he hasnt moved back in, knowing that they are together in bed again, makes it somewhat final for me. The only way it could ever be would be if it were a year or two down the track. Oh god listen to me, I still havent given up hope.

 

Time time time......

[Stripey]

Update- When I thought it was bad enough having contact with the MM now he's dumped me - try adding the wife into the picture. This is insane.

 

Everyone is being so 'evolved' about it all.

 

MM: "I love you both, but I married her and must try again. But I need you as my friend, I cant stand the thought of losing contact with you completely"

 

WIFE: "I can see why you fell in love with her. But you are with me again now. I have no animosity towards her. So I will be her friend"

 

ME: " I thought I could be friends with you both but when I see you together I want to die"

 

Its awful. We were at rehersal the other night and MM injured himself. Both me and wife went rushing to his side. How hideous. I exited the scene immediately. It leaves me hollow and ill.

 

Its interesting that a few of you have mentioned revenge on your other your other threads. When I think about the information that I could provide that would have her running for the hills. But it achieves nothing. She doesnt deserve that. And it would just make him hate me. But surely our MM think about the risk of it happening?? I wonder if they live in perpetual fear of it? Probably.

 

lielab- you were saying about checking out the wife - for some sence of ego gratification. This issue really confuses me. My MMs wife is sooooooooo different to me. We are probably on a par as far as physical attractiveness goes. But shes a bit more refined and Im a bit more exotic (if you generalise about looks). Yet she is really quiet and controlled and hardly ever expresses emotion. She wont argue with him - avoids confrontation at all costs. Shes conservative. Im the opposite. Passionate and unpredictable, very talkative and not afraid to say how Im feeling. I just dont get it. But then maybe I do. He was deperate for someone with some passion. Then I suspect when he got it, he found that submisiveness suited him better.

 

But back to my question......

 

When everyone is doing everything they can to make the situation civilized - what am I supposed to do?? The moment I saw her I burst into tears. Should I try to play happily families with them, and will I eventually feel all evolved and mature too, or will it kill me???

[Unlucky In Love]

I'm happy that you experienced a fairy tale love. I took a chance once and ended a relationship I was in to find a new one, and it was amazing. I've never known a better love. But it didn't last either, because the man was a cheater.

 

I don't blame you for leaving your husband. You were in a loveless marriage. You didn't really leave your husband for the OM, your marriage was already over.

 

Now you have to all try to get along. The best thing to do it to be friends. Accept what has happened. It's not an unusual situation. You made need to have lunch with his wife and try to reach an understanding.

 

Good Luck!

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

PS: Remember, all men are dogs. If they cheat on their wives, they will cheat on you too. If they leave their wives, they will leave you too. We alll think we going to be the one that changes them. Nope. Cheaters never change. They just keep cheating...

[Stripey]

Thank you Unlucky. Your post was very comforting - it really wrapped up my doubts and anxieties in a no nonsence way. And in times like this - that is gold.

I have to keep reminding myself that my marriage was loveless - it really was. We are both better off this way. It just hurts so much and I feel so guilty.

And of course - my MM, he left her sooooo easily and quickly. WHY didnt it occur to me that he could and would do it to me. Because I was the one!!!!!!! Ha ha ha.

Right. On with life. One foot in front of the other.

Thank you again unlucky.

[leilab]

How absolutely hysterical that you would mention that you met the wife - as I am in the process of checking my MM's wife out. I think it is important to know and understand the relationship with the wife. It puts some reality to the fact that they are MARRIED and have a WIFE. And that they have been in a relationship with that person for a while and both of tem are a COUPLE. Meaning they take on another set of "personality" together when you see them in public.

 

Seeing them together also intuitively gives you a sense of their relationship together, in a sense of depth and commitment to each other. I think seeing MM together with his wife must have extremely excruciating for you - but on the other hand it does put a picture to an unknown. And may or may not verify what MM has been telling you all along.

 

Regardless, I still am of the opinion that if you really love him and he is THE ONE for you, then being his friend is a great place to be if you can handle it. You will have to put your desires on a deep chill; but I think being friends with her would be all right. But you have to be sure that you can handle it.

 

And you have to be open to other relationships. Can you do that?

 

Or do you want to stand by him as a friend for as long as it takes with a possibility for something in the future?

[Stripey]

Good questions lielab!

I am open to other relationships - although I know Im not ready yet - still a bit too screwey in the head. The problem is, Ive never met anyone like him. And despite his flaws, his good bits are phenominal. He has the most amazing capacity for love WHEN you are on the recieving end. So, while I think Ive 90% given up on us ever being together, I cant imagine settling for anything less than what I expereinced with him - which I cant imagine existing anywhere else - which leaves me nowhere!!!!

So, I hope to be suprised by someone else one day.....

 

Yes, watching the relationship with the WIFE does give a horrible finality to it. They have a real relarionship - but because it is so different to he one he has with me, I cant help but keep analysing whther he can possibly be really happy.

 

I guess what Im doing is this

- not having the strength to tell him I cant be in his life as a friend

- being open to one day finding someone else as unlikely as that seems

- minimizing the amount of time I see them together

- not letting go of the shread of hope that he will genuinley work through things with her, realise they are not compatible, part amicably, spend some time on his own, and then come and woo me, in a time when I will be convieniently available!

 

Oh well, I was always a sucker for fairy tales!

 

Hope your week is going OK. Are you still in the same house as your husband? How is that going? When will you/him move out? How are you going to amange the kids??