We both left our partners for eachother, and now he's gone back to his wife

[Stripey]

I have been doing so well. Been feeling really great and geniunly thinking how much better off I am not hving HIM in my life. Its been a great week. I had to see him tonight for a rehearsal.

 

Now I feel like s***t. He brought me flowers (cheap potted things). And I was doing my best to be fun and gorgeous and happy - and doing a very convincing job I think. And then when it was over, he slunk off into the night like the toad he, is dispite my invitation for coffee and a chat.

 

I dont think I can do freinds. I wanted to shag him so badly. Where is my backbone??

This sucks.

[leilab]

On the one hand I am totally envious that you still see your MM and, oh how sweet, he brought you flowers. I miss my MM so much. I have lost the sense or urgency to call him, but I do miss seeing him, tallking to him....etc The sense of loss is profound; like functioning without several vital organs in my body. The physical absense, his existense is immense. Only three blocks away froom where I work every day I look out my window and know where he is - and know that he has made a choice not to see me anymore and that I may never talk to him again.

 

Like you "not letting go of the shread of hope that he will genuinley work through things with her, realise they are not compatible, part amicably, spend some time on his own, and then come and woo me, in a time when I will be convieniently available" is a part of me that won't let go. In my heart I truely believe that but my brain has discovered that he is a scared little boy that is riddled with fear and guilt from which he cannot escape.

 

On the other hand, I can imagine that it totally sucks having to be in that position of "unattainability". And the rejection for coffee.

 

You will get there in terms of making a decision. You can either take the good with the bad, or face the fact that if you decide that you just cannot see him and be able to move on with your life, other decisions may have to be made down the road i.e. a new job??

 

Life at my house continues status quo. We get along great, have dinner together, do activities. Life is like the way it was prior to MM. With one exception. My husband now knows that I don't love him, but love someone else. There are no lies anymore-- even though he does not trust me one bit. The divorce proceeding are on their way, hopefully we will reach some kind of agreement about custody and the properties we own, without financially destroying both of us.

 

I am looking forward to having a place to call my own and design it the way I want. Given enough time I want to paint again, and create a positive living environment for me and the kids to enjoy.

[EnigmaXOXO]

And despite his flaws, his good bits are phenominal. He has the most amazing capacity for love WHEN you are on the recieving end.

 

Oh, Stripey.

 

The only thing this man has an amazing capacity for; is conjuring up the ‘illusion’ of love. To say all the things you want to hear…to fain all those romantic gestures that you have somehow convinced yourself is the embodiment of “love,” however superficial. Fantasy, indeed. Which is why it is NOT love. If it were genuine, he would move mountains to BE with the one he loved.

 

Where is my backbone??

 

You gave it away.

 

I know that words like “self control” and “willpower” do not digest well when one is in an emotionally weakened state. It’s hard to hear. Even harder to admit. But maybe I can rephrase by saying: “reclaim your personal power.”

 

You have turned your power over to him and allowed him to govern every thought, every decision, and every single emotion you have. Your world revolves around him. You even fake happiness in his behalf…practicing every move; every expression with the anticipation of performing for HIM. You probably spend countless hours rehearsing the silly hypotheticals: “What am I going to say if and when he calls?”… “How am I going to act the next time I see him?”… “How am I going to pretend to be his friend while wanting more?”

 

Can you step outside of yourself for a moment to even see how much of yourself you have lost?

 

As long as you allow yourself to cling to wishful thinking or any dying hope, as long as every waking thought revolves around him, he will continue to own you.

 

The only way to reclaim yourself is to take back your personal power. Unfortunately, the only way to achieve this is by stubbornly liberating yourself from the object of your addiction. YES---You are suffering from an ADDICTION. Deny yourself access to it, avoid it, even if it means making drastic life changes. Don’t succumb to those self-defeating notions that you are too “weak” and unable to muster up the strength. That’s BS. Don’t convince yourself that you are somehow a victim of circumstance and have no control over your own life and choices. That’s BS, too. Dig deep, it’s there.

 

You have only two choices. Wallow endlessly in your misery or do what it takes to pull yourself out. Don’t wait on “hope”…cause Hope sure isn’t waitin’ on you.

[Stripey]

Enigma,

 

You are very wise. Thank you for your post. I will revisit it. You have a way of helping without being preachy or patronising and that it much appreciated.

 

Yes, I can step outside myself and see how much power I have given away to him. And I am going to reclaim it. I like that. I havent lost it - I just need to get my centre back.

 

I really believe now that sadly the only way for me to be happy is not to see him. Its pathetic, but just the smell of him sends me into a tail spin. Im very convinced that 'chemical attraction' is based in fact. I can know what I know intellectually, spend days without missing him - and then his smell will have all those old emotions swelling right back to the top. And the things like the flowers - they just give me hope, when really all thats happening is that he is trying to appease me as his ego cannot deal with anyone hating him!!

 

Lielab,

 

Yes - and I think, as much as i hate to say it, my weird situation is probably slightly less torturous than yours. No contact just leaves so many unanswered questions. Id love to jump on a plane and come and spy on him for you!

[EnigmaXOXO]

You have a way of helping without being preachy or patronising

 

 

Moi, Debster and Befuddled look like Ghandi compared to some of the responses I have posted on this forum.

 

It depends on the situation and the poster's receptiveness (or lack thereof).

 

It depends on what methods others have already used to try and get through to the original poster.

 

And it depends on how much energy and time we are willing to invest in trying to convince someone they need "help" if all they're really seeking is affirmation, comrodary and approval from co-dependants who are stuck in the same situation.

 

While it's nice to learn that we are not the only one's who have experienced difficult times, group belly-aching sessions do little good unless ALL the people involved are genuinely trying to help each other OUT of the situations they've gotten themselves in...rather then lending support so that they can remain stuck in the place where they are. After all, misery loves company. And even during group sessions held on a more professional scale, there is always a trained mediator present to ensure that there is at least one person there to interject with some healthy reasoning so that people work together to find solutions rather than excuses.

 

Yep…not only can I be “preachy,” but at times I’ve delivered full sermons!

[Tootrustingguy]

Speaking to you and to myself...we all reap what we sow. I wish you the best with your new life. I understand your pain, I'm in a somewhat similar situation.

[theivesrneversweet]

I recently ended a long term affair with a neighbor. It was the most painful thing I have ever done. While most of you may not be able to relate to this, I am going to share it anyway. Because we are neighbors and I know his wife and 4 children (no I was not friends with the wife) I had a reality check everyday. In my case he was going to leave them for me, I ended it. The crazy thing is I LOVE HIM and in a sick and bizarre way my loving him, has caused me to be unselfish and care about his wife and children's feelings too. I was awake at night thinking if we end it , it will only be him and I hurt but if he leaves then there will be many more hurt. I put my house up for sale last week, because it is unbearable for me to see him now, and I will remain strong. Maybe if we all think of the real consequences of our actions and not the illusion of the relationship, we won't put ourshelves in these terrible situations. Does it hurt? YES Will you live through it? YES He was my best friend and I will miss him always, but if you really truly love someone, you want what is best for them and the people they care about...i.e wife, kids, parents. The truth is although my heart is broken I feel good about the choice I made.

 

To all you other's out there, I won't judge you because I know how terribly painful it is, but keep in mind even if his wife is in your opinion deserving of it, his children aren't.

[Stripey]

Ive got an worthwhile update - but first of all to thievesneversweet, you are a very courageous woman and should be commended. Sure, its a weakness to get into that situation, but it shows IMMENCE strength of character to do what you are now doing. I salute you. Its hurts like hell now and you are doing it or everyone but yourself - but I eel that oneday you will get an enormous amount off pride and self worth for what you do now.

 

Now, my update. I am doing extremely well. Having occasional contact with the ex MM as friends seems to be an extremely good outcome. I continue to respect his decision, and although when I am around him, am aware that I remain attracted to him, have NO desire to act on it, now with all the other information in my head.

 

AND A WARNING TO ALL THOSE CONTEMPLATING AN AFFAIR

A few weeks back, my ex MM attempted suicide. It wasnt down to our situation alone, but without a doubt, contributed to it. Let this be a big at wake up call to us all as to the seriousness of theses situations. I believe in his case it was a cry for help, and now he is getting the required support. Part of this is a concerted effort to treat his alcoholism.

 

I have also had contact with his wife. We had an emotional discussion and established that we both like and respect eachother (now) and wish to work at being friends. We feel we both can learn from this and eachothers experience to our benefit. Today she accepted an open invitation to talk over coffee and that will happen next weekend. The strange thing is I feel very positive about being her freind. Our mutual love for HIM is something we seem to both understand and she believes as she should, that I am no longer any threat to their relationship.

 

And as for me....I am in a strong place. I love my new home and have a better relationship with my children. I have a functional and friendly relationship with my ex husband. Neither I nor he have any desire to reunite. The relationship was extremely flawed and we were poorly suited. As it was it went on much longer than it should have.

 

So - while there was enormous hurt, betrayal and anguish, I cannot say I am now unhappy with the outcome. The MM and wife have a great shot of having a lifelong marriage and my ex and I have a great shot at being true to ourselves and one day finding love again - with a wealth of experience to assure we make healthy choices.

 

So, unless things get hairy again, this may be my last post.

 

I wish you all love and strength and a head full of sense to guide you through your lives. And thank you to LS for the good freinds Ive met along the way.

[kirkyswife]

Sounds like karma to me. Sorry to be so cold but I don't feel bad that you ended up alone after cheating with a cheater - did you actually expect it to work? I mean wasn't he cheating on his WIFE to be with you? And you were super special because? I never wish anyone ill or bad feelings but nothing good comes from deception. Hopefully you find some inner peace and a SINGLE man!

[Stripey]

If youd read this thread properly you would have realised that a huge amount has been learned from this and there is no underestimating the damage that can be done from an affair. And I AM happy to be alone now - its GREAT!

 

At this point I dont need yet another lecture on The Sins Of Aduterly 101, Im way past that, which again if you'd actually read the thread you would see. Your post was neither useful, helpful nor intelligent. It was just hurtful. That is exactly the reason people withdraw from these forums which can be extrmeley therapeutic to people intime of need. I hope your happy. Go and be a vouyer somewhere else thanks.

[kirkyswife]

Stripey

 

I'm sorry you viewed my post as hurtful and I'm glad that you've "learned" but I don't apologize for my feelings. I'm a wife and these boards scare me to death. I trust my husband but I guess then so did these other women. We are learning from one another so things may not be said that you appreciate all the time - but as a woman who has always been faithful I marvel at what makes people cheat. It's hurtful - I have been hurt by people who show no regard at the time - but I still endured the pain. So as much as you find my response offensive, I find yours frightening. What can I do to make sure that I don't endure pain as a result of deception again.

[Stripey]

I am a strong believer that people only find love elsewhere when the love in their home is not complete.

 

If a relationship is a strong two way trade of genuine affection, communication, respect, admiration and senuality, then you will not be betrayed. Only when these things get neglected do people find them elsewhere. My MMs wife was not communicating with her husband at all. And I wasnt looking, I never wanted this to happen. But I stumbled upon a love which filled a huge void and that was that. From reading and talking, I think this is pretty much always the case. So please stop being terrified - just go love that man of yours as best you know how, thats the best insurance policy you have.

[kirkyswife]

Stripey

 

Thanks for responding - I'm giving him the best that I got that's for sure and all I can do is hope that if he isn't happy with me or thinks he's found happiness elsewhere that he show me enough respect to tell me how he feels before he shares "pillow talk" with another woman.

 

For all the OW/OM who have posted here I am not judging any of you - often I am just astounded at how many people are unhappy in their current situations and just won't release themselves from their own unhappiness. I marvel at the immense pain everyone encounters at both ends (with spouse and affairs) and wonder why it's so hard to let go. I share my emotions just as you all do and have found this site to be therapeutic in many instances. Ultimately we all want the same damn thing - Friendship, Respect, and Love and now that I have mine back I am dedicated to do whatever is necessary to nuture and sustain it.

 

I hope we continue to grow and learn together!

[leilab]

I am so sorry to hear about your ex-mm but I am so very pleased that YOU are at peace with the outcome of the situation. That is all that matters - you being able to live with yourself, and be open to happiness to come your way.

 

You have come a long way and you also will be proud of what actions you took. You have grown immensely as a person through this terrible pain and suffering and you have become a better person for it.

 

Keep in touch if you like. Big hug.