dicky_fish Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 (edited) Well today marks the 6 month point of me getting my heart smashed and initially I thought I'd comemorate it with finally posting my story, but I know that if I fully let that one out on here I'll get the self-appointed guru's throwing in their two cents tarring me with one of those wonderful stock phrases that have been produced on this site like "Captain Fix a Hoe", so instead I'm going to use my 100th post to just let out a few things. The postitives then: In not exactly the healthiest way I've lost over 3 stone since the break up, and if I could be bothered with the exercise to get rid of the excess flab I'm in the best condition I've been in for years. I've re-connected with some old friends. So strange how much I let this slip away from me during the relationship because I was always really up front with her that I would always make time for friends and would not make myself dependant on her. But with that said... I've been through 3 therapists since all this started and my head is still in a complete mindf**k. It boils down to something simple really: I can't let go. One thing I've read on here many times is about trusting your gut instinct and my gut just keeps on saying "she's the one" and to betray that feeling is possibly the most alien thing I've ever had to do. People keep saying "now's your time to sow your wild oats, live your life etc", but I shut down parts of myself that's gonna take a bloody long time to re-open, if they ever do. When I first started with her I was somewhat curious about the potential of other women, I'd even say there was a time where I had GIGS myself but never acted on it because I could never hurt her, and after some time I was able to make a peace with myself that none of that stuff mattered because I found a higher purpose in life around her, so now that I'm single the last thing I want is to be promiscuous as I'd totally set myself up for manogomy and was really happy with it. NC is a very interesting thing, I've battled with it a lot and I think it's something you can't force, you've just got to let it happen. I made the classic drunk dial last weekend; no abuse, just sobbing and telling her how much I miss and love her and I actually felt loads better for it. There's a reason they're called "classic" mistakes because everyone makes them and I think to force yourself not to, in the long run, will hurt your recovery. Finally there's the issue of "self". This is my big battle because for years now I've been content and happy with myself, even before she came along and I can say that for a long time I was a totally independant person who happened to be in a long term relationship and I can't pinpoint exactly where I lost myself. And the thing is I don't feel I have so being in therapy, doing things without her, and changing things just feels awful. Why force change? I was so f*ckin happy that I just don't want to lose that sense of "me" or change anything about it because I freakin loved being that guy! He was a great guy to be. Again it comes to betraying that natural gut instinct which just feels so awkward. And I've never entered in to the whole "focus on you" BS because ultimately what is the point? All the things I want to do in life I want to share with someone. Like I really want to go travelling, but without someone to do that with what's the point? If I do all these thing to "better" myself I'm still lonely and those things will become distant memories. The one thing I can safely say is that at 6 months out I still feel awful, not as bad as I did in the beginning, the suicidal thoughts are mostly gone, but it still stings a lot. I still cry quite a bit. What's been freaking me out quite recently is how normal everything is starting to feel, almost like nothing has changed at all, I get real urges and impulses to go see her or to phone and text her like I used to every night, but then reality kicks back in and I'm down again. And the totally barmy thing is I'm still madly in love her and nothing and no one is coming close to filling that void she left behind. The classic phrase people have used on me is "look at this as a new chapter in your life" and I always come back with the retort; "yeah, well I wasn't finished writing it" Edited November 21, 2011 by dicky_fish Link to post Share on other sites
Buttercup84 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Hey , glad to see you are back . It's been 6 months for me too . You are making progress , and it will be slow . I think I'm over him then I have a freakibg set back . We will get there I promise xxx Link to post Share on other sites
Author dicky_fish Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Hiya Buttercup Today was quite interesting. Last weekend when I made the drunk dial I'd been thinking of her quite a lot, and had this feeling something wasn't right. I broke NC today, it was nice and friendly but she told me that during last weekend she got admitted to hospital and had to have her apendix out. Some things are just too odd sometimes! As I posted in the "Post Here" thread a few nights ago: 6 months and I still love her with all my heart. I just want her in my arms again. I still want to marry her. Ergh! Confused! I know I'm making progress, but in some really weird way... Link to post Share on other sites
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