Break up but still be friends? NO WAY!

[Lonelypatheticme]

I just got dumped 2 weeks ago by a man I've spent almost 2 years with...we had our share of problems towards the end (last 4 months) and it's understandable that maybe some time and space was needed but to throw everything away over something that could have been worked out..why? He has admitted that I love him more than anyone he's ever been with and that I am special and beautiful and worth so much yet he continues to do this. I have finally decided to do the no contact thing as my pathetic begging, crying and pleading wasn't working but I have to say the idea of remaining friends..his suggestion...was just too much to take and I'm ticked off about it at this point.

 

How can you possibly remain friends with someone who basically tells you you're not good enough to stay with. After sharing your body, heart and soul with someone and being told repeatedly that they can't imagine life without you how can you comprehend that suddenly you are not the person they love or want?

 

If someone can walk away from something/someone they once claimed to love so deeply because of something minor that is indeed fixable why in the world would you want to be friends with him/her? How can you trust someone who strung you along for such a long time and then threw you out when the going got tough?

 

I'm confused at this point and don't understand the logic behind all of this friendship stuff and having my heart ripped out by the man who claimed to be my best friend....friends don't screw each other over like that.

 

Any words of wisdom or advice? I sure could use it right now.

[TxTechGirl04]

Wow! Your story and mine are identical...dated my ex for a year and we discussed marriage and children etc....he even told me I was his soul mate...

 

We had a lot of problems towards the end too and instead of wanting to try to work things out he decided just to throw it all away! He gave me the whole "You're really a great girl, but I just don't have feelings for you anymore" line. I begged and pleaded with him but finally gave up!

 

Let met just tell you...what goes around comes around! After several days of not trying to contact my ex, he began to contact me...wanting to be friends etc...the first several times he called I remained distant and eventually told him that I really didn't have anything to say....THE BEST ADVICE THAT I CAN GIVE IS DON'T CALL HIM!!! I can almost assure you that he will try to contact you eventually...

 

So my ex continues to call and I just continue to play it cool...and you know its the best feeling in the world to know that I have the upper hand!

 

Its soooooooo hard to let go and to try to be happy but you have to do things for yourself...like I said, I can almost guarantee you that he will call you eventually...

[Lonelypatheticme]

I'm not so sure mine will call...at least not for a long time anyway.

 

The thing is..he says he still loves me and he's still attracted to me and gives me tons of compliments but then he asks me to stay away and let him think about things. He says right now he just can't/doesn't want to be with me. I just don't get it. All we did was argue over some petty stuff but apparently it convinced him I wasn't right for him...you'd think he would've figured that out before now....2 years almost & everyday together...sounds like BS to me. Maybe he's just a scared little man that can handle a real relationship.

[Paradise]

You’re probably right about not being friends with your ex.

I always do not keep my ex-lover as friends to move on with my life.

I was told by many of my friends to keep the relationship and some told me that they became best friends after breaking up.

I know there will be others who disagree and advise you on keeping the friendship, but you must forget the past relationship to keep your new relationship honest.

[Lonelypatheticme]

I feel the same way..it's not always a good idea to be friends with the ex because it could have an impact on future relationships. I guess if 2 people mutually broke it off and no feeling of being in love was there it could work but like I said in my earlier post if you loved someone for such a long time and they just threw you away because it was easier than working on problems it's not a friendship that I'd feel comfortable being in.

[capitald]

My two cents on the topic:

there are pluses and minuses about continuing to be friends with a ex-lover. I personally think its a bad idea.

Especially if you have been dumped, why should you offer your friendship to someone who thought that you weren't good enough for you.

[colleen26]

I agree my ex has been calling, emailing I am ignoring all of it then he stopped by to see why I was mad, I simply told him I am not mad I am moving on. He was pissed but only pissed because for once I made the decision about us and he has no control over what I have decided. He left very mad calling me a bitch and saying well Iguess we will talk when you decide your ready to but I kept quiet thinking yeah buddy don't hold your breath. I miss him yes, I want to see him still but I am tired of being the doormat and I told him he is all about himself and I put my feelings out there a long time ago and have been wrapped around his finger per say since and I am done now.

 

I told him he can check in & out when he wants but now this time I am leaving and not not returning. he very upset by this and in a way it helps me move on knowing that now he is the one sitting there thinking etc.

 

Fact is though he is a pack of lies to string me along and do what he did similar to what your ex did.

 

I firmly told him my life will progress with or with out you and you did not bite so now I am fishing again.

[jk]

why oh why do men do this? it's so stupid. My ex did the exact same thing. The same day we break up, he calls me that night and wants to know how I'm doing.

Uh, excuse me, how do THINK I'm doing? You just dumped my a$$! Then he proceeds to want to talk about relationship related stuff. The next night he calls me and tries to be all friendly. I hated that so much! It was like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. So I flat out told him- don't call me! If I want to be friends with you I will call you if and when I am ready (if ever). To make a long story short he comes to my house the next day and wants me back. Then 2 days later he says he needs space. I was like wtf?

 

My advice? Do not call even if you think you are going to die if you don't, because you won't. Be strong, and realize that you are a human being, not a doormat to be walked all over. Why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't think you're worth working things out for? Friends should be reliable and trustworthy, and the last thing we expect from them to do is turn their backs on us by leaving us.

[colleen26]

men are nothing but big jerks (not all just the ones we seem to love)

 

I think that men only miss the sex really, otherwise they want the entire cake and eat it to.

 

Don't give in really. Do what I did I made a special trip to wal-mart to buy a note book just for this purpose and trust me its about full in a matter of a week but it helps. Write your damn heart out, when you want to call him write, see him write anything just let it out man. Then what I plan to do is after I am done and able to go through the book I want to look back and try to discover my weak spots and work on them, but you have to be honest as heck in this journal if you plan to attack it later to discover yourself.

 

Then what I am doing this weekend is he left a bunch of his dishes here cups, plates etc. Nice cups to that were handed down to him from his parents wedding. i told him to get them and he did not I think he thinks it is a way of being able to come back but his loss or mistake depending on how you look at it but this weekend I am going to this local park a private type and I am going to let my kids play and I am taking a walk into the woods and I am smashin them all and I going to call them all the names I can think, as if it were him. Let me tell you with this planned the week is flying already I can't wait.

 

Think of something to stop thinking of him, because I bet you he does not think of you as we all seem to think of them, woman are different. Let me know if you want to chat, if you live near shoot you can come break cups with me...

[cantforget]

Now I know this is going to make you think I am a real party pooper and I am not trying to make you feel bad but, I am a single mother who is about to move out of my parents house and try and start a life with my daughter on our own. We have nothing so have to start from scratch buying household items. I am sure there is someone out there like me who would really appreciate those dishes for their new home, It may make you feel better but it really is a waste. Give them to charity, you will still have them out of your sight but they will be put to good use.

 

Now that I have said that I will climb down off my high horse and talk about the issue at hand. God I wish I could think like all of you, you dont want friendship and I am desperatly wishing that I can walk away with at least that.

I have been doing no contact for 4 days now and I have not heard a peep. It annoys me that not only am I not enough as a girlfriend anymore but I am not worthy of friendship either.

 

It would feel so good to feel like I had the upper hand but I do not think that will happen any time soon. Some people may think thats an ego thing wanting the upper hand (ref: How to stay friends?), but why shouldnt I get a nice little boost to my ego after all I have been through. I can totally relate to this thread in some ways though, cause my ex dumped me cause "it just isn't working" when he did not even try to make it work. I have to accept that he didnt want it to or he would have made an effort. It is so nice to finally read words that I can relate to and to draw strength from all of your determination. Hope everyone finds some happiness

[sid3]

I can relate to the issue here. I was left when I thought the problems were fixable. ie: communication. This man can say that it is not the sex I miss, I am sure others would agree. I miss the person I love and thought had loved me back. Friends with someone who wasn't willing to stick around and make an effort to make things better, I don't know about that. It is kind of ironic, her last words were I don't think you truly love me. Derrr,?? who loves who here, I accepted her for her flaws, as I have mine, but was willing to do anything to keep her in my life. I hate the expression "there are alot of fish in the sea" Sometimes love just sucks!!!!

[UCFKevin]

Oi!

 

You think just men are rotten like this?

 

You obviously don't know about your own kind and the hell they put some of us men through, who don't deserve it.

 

Anyway. I don't believe in the friends after a breakup thing. That's too high school. Doesn't work in real life. You can't do it. Can't be done, not with both parties being JUST friends. It will always be one sided. The other will want something else.

 

Well, almost always. Or if it's a few months down the line and both parties are over it.

 

I think it's extremely selfish to break up with someone and still want them as a friend. Selfish and laaaaaaaame.

[Lonelypatheticme]

Both men and women can be rotten when it comes to this kind of thing. It has nothing to do with gender, it's all about what kind of people they are.

 

I told my guy goodbye today, if he wants me gone it shall be done. I definitely don't need that kind of crap in my life and begging & pleading is beneath me...I'm better than that.

[UCFKevin]

Damn right.

[azgirl]

Well, not that I enjoy seeing others in pain, but it sure is nice to know that there are others out there who are going through the same s*** that I am right now. Yeah - I don't get the "time and space" thing either. Mine has me on such a roller coaster ride right now that I don't know if I am coming or going. He tells me a little over a week ago that he "doesn't want to do this anymore" blah, blah blah. He was dealing with a lot of other issues in his life at the time - and now he's got even more. So, I said we needed to give it some time and try to work things out because he told me that I always think it is me when something is wrong with him and it never is. Anyway, so last week things were getting better between us and we were going along as usual. He even decided to come home to Michigan with me to meet my family - a trip I paid for that we have had planned for months! He even told his mother this. (She's been back-stabbing me recently) So yesterday he does the whole freak out thing AGAIN. This time he tells me that he doesn't think he loves me anymore, just wants to be "by himself" etc. I, too, got the whole "your a great girl" speech - which is BS! Well, the more I beg and plead, the more I found out about what is going on with his family. All sorts of stuff

 

Apparently, mom is turning into an "alcoholic," his grandfather only has 4 months to live, and he just found out on Sunday that his dad has to go to prison for tax-evasion. Unfortunately, when he has problems in his life he just wants to shut down. He tells me he needs to "find himself." Another concept that I have never quite gotten. I have had my share of serious relationships and have throughout my early twenties (I am 27 and he is 22) and I don't see what being single has to do with "finding yourself." Whatever that means anyway.

 

But ... I would like to try to remain friends with him. I think. Right now that is what I say, anyway. Each moment is different. And like many of you, I don't feel that I will ever find what I had with him. We all say that, but I have had enough boyfriends to be able to say that with conviction.

 

I have had exes that I have remained friends with, so it is possible.

[cantforget]

hello azgirl I swear its like reading my life (well sort of). I have copped the whole "there is so much **** in my life, cant deal with us at the moment". I too always assume its me when there is something wrong, but what else am I to think when he wont tell me otherwise, its like pulling teeth lately to get him to open up.

 

My ex has the whole "family probs" situation too, sister left husband, brother in law drink driving, but rather talking to me about this he shuts me out. I then think I have done something wrong and then push the issue untill finally he snaps and tells me and I feel like a selfish bitch who thinks the whole world revolves around me.

 

Now if he just told me in the first place we could save ourselves alot of stupid guessing games. I suppose if this is the way he deals with problems, shutting me out instead of sharing, then what hope does the relationship have?

Yours said he needs to "find himself" mine wants to "sort his life out" must go to the same school of bull****.

I do believe friends is possible though, but even frienships dont survive if one shuts the other out all the time.

[azgirl]

Hey, cantforget. Thanks for the reply. I am in hell right now. Each day is a different story with him. Yesterday he tells me that he doesn't even think we can be friends because - get this s*** - I don't want to see him date other people or hear about it. Yet - he "is not even thinking about that right now" because he "just needs to be by himself." ????WTF???

 

Um ... I am so lost and confused. I, too, know about the shutting out thing. He NEVER told me stuff that was going on in his head. Not until I dragged it out of him. Even stuff about us. Last night I got a whole new bag of s*** thrown at me. He tells me that I "tried too hard" and was always trying to "make him happy." Um ... excuse the s*** out of me for wanting to make our relationship a happy and enjoyable one. And by "doing things for him" - let me just tell you the type of stuff I did. Small stuff and big stuff. Once, he mentioned that he needed more socks - so - I go to the mall that day to shop for myself and pick him up two packages of nice socks (he's on his feet all day, so I guess the socks make a difference). Or there was the time that he was absolutely beat from working two jobs and I asked him to call me when he left work. He did and when he came home, I had the house lit with candles and had drawn him a bubble bath and fixed him a drink. I made him get undressed and get in as soon as he got home. I scrubbed him down and we sat and talked and then when he got out I gave him a back message.

 

These are the things that I did for him. But to be fair - he set the tone for that early on in our relationship. He made me (made from scratch) pancakes one morning and brought me breakfast in bed! (He went to culinary school - he cooks for a living) And one night - we were house sitting and I arrived to find candles and rose petals leading from the front door all the way upstairs to the jacuzzi bath tub (also filled with rose petals) and he had a glass of wine waiting for me and a note that said "Have a drink and get in." And of course then he appeared and joined me. And one night - less than a month ago - I came home from a long day at work and school and he had dinner on the table and we had a nice candle lit dinner together.

 

So - how did I try too hard??? And what may I ask you is wrong with wanting to make your partner happy??????? I don't get it.

 

And I feel so alone right now and I just want things back the way they were. Perhaps this would be easier if I had seen this coming or had any sense that there were major problems. The bubble bath thing that I did for him was two weeks ago. Two weeks!!!! He just dropped this bomb on me out of nowhere last Saturday. And then I thought I had managed to hold it together last week! We were hanging out and he told his mom (who has been nothing but kind to me to my face and then recently started s*** talking about me to him) that he was still planning on coming home with me to meet my family. That was all of 4 days ago.

 

Help.

[Just Visiting]

Damn....this guy doesn't know if he is coming or going. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do little special things for the person you care about. Who knows....maybe those type of jestures made him feel guilty. Knowing that you carry alot of feelings for him, and he isn't quite there. Don't feel bad for showing your feelings. You did nothing wrong. How would you know of his reaction? You couldn't. Beating yourself up over it is worthless.

 

As for being friends after the relationship, I wouldn't do it. You are a precious person, why waste yourself on someone who treated you poorly? Friendships are to be respected, and he has shown that he doesn't respect you. Go through all the stages of grief, then thank god that the loser is gone.

[azgirl]

I just don't want him out of my life. I probably shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of giving of myself and then being s*** on!

 

How do you pick up the pieces and move on when you shared something that you thought was sooo magical with someone?? I had never been that romantic with anyone else, and NO ONE had ever done those types of things for me. That's story book stuff that people talk about and not everyone experiences. Did he ever mean anything that he said to me or did for me??

 

God this hurts!!!!!

[Just Visiting]

Well exactly a year ago, I was in your shoes. Wondering how something so "wonderful" can disintegrate before my eyes?? I couldn't eat (lost a lot of weight), couldn't sleep, couldn't understand, couldn't do anything. Now a year later, I now see that my ex is a coward who has very little or no respect for women and their feelings. Cheating and betraying are parts of his character. And that he went back to his ex and their two children....where he is able to get away with alot more than I would have allowed. His now-again common-law wife has gone through all his crap a few times already, so he went back to where it is safe for him to have his cake and eat it too.

 

You are going to feel this way for the next while. Don't fight it. I did and found that it slowed down the healing. I wanted him back too, even after finding out what a liar and cheater he was. Because I was remembering of all the good times and moments we shared. But I eventually got out of that stupid idea. Now, even the thought of him wanting to reconcile makes me shudder. Or kick his lame a$$.

 

I am sure he meant what he said and did AT THE TIME. But situations and feelings can change over time. He seems too scared and immature to have a committed relationship. Probably panicked and ran for the hills. But there is no need to go running after him. Why bang your head against the wall?

[azgirl]

I don't know. I have just seen such a change in him in the last two weeks! It's unbelievable! He grows colder and more distant each time we see each other.

 

I don't ever want to feel this way again. But, yet, I don't want to be alone either. I am afraid that I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I just can't believe that he can be so callous about this. Like the time we spent together meant nothing to him. I told him that I can't believe he can treat people, another human being, that he has spent time with and supposedly cared for, they something that is disposable. Didn't our time together mean anything??

 

I also feel like much of this doesn't have to do with me. He has a mountain of family problems that are eating at him. In fact, last week, we were trying to work through things and he told his mother that he was still going to go to Michigan with me to meet my family - a trip that we had planned for months and that I PAID for. Then on Sunday he got a bunch of bad news from his family and BAM that was it again. Didn't want to work on this, etc.

 

What the F?? Is he just a basket-case, and a selfish bastard who can't handle stress in his life, or do I and the time we spent together mean nothing??

[sid3]

I can relate with your pain and frustration. Sounds like you should let go of this guy, I think you will find someone who treats you better. Try and take away your love, make him go without you beining there for him. I took my girlfriend for granted, not like your b/f is doing but regardless, when you lose someone, you truly see what they mean to you. I don't know if it helps, but that's what I can offer....and you won't be alone the rest of your life. I agree, I don't feel like being with anyone else but my x. But settle for being with yourself and doing what you feel you is right. It is only when we betray ourselfs that there is something to worry about.

[azgirl]

Well,my first step will be to get out of our apartment. That's going to take a little time, so it is hard to see him every day. And when he is cold and distant it sucks. Can't he just be kind to me while I am still there???

 

I know I need to let him go, but it is hard. I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I had met my other half. And I have had my share of relationships and have never connected with someone like I connected with him. Never. Right now, I feel like I never will.

 

So are you and your ex back together?? Have you told her that you took her for granted?? Why do people do that to one another?? Selfishness?? I never took him for granted. I did sooo much to try to make him happy. Too much maybe. According to him anyway. But tell me - who doesn't want to know that they are thought of and shown that?? I don't get it. Maybe he is just too young and immature. Afterall, things got more serious with me than they have with anyone else.

[azgirl]

Well,my first step will be to get out of our apartment. That's going to take a little time, so it is hard to see him every day. And when he is cold and distant it sucks. Can't he just be kind to me while I am still there???

 

I know I need to let him go, but it is hard. I thought I had found the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I thought I had met my other half. And I have had my share of relationships and have never connected with someone like I connected with him. Never. Right now, I feel like I never will.

 

So are you and your ex back together?? Have you told her that you took her for granted?? Why do people do that to one another?? Selfishness?? I never took him for granted. I did sooo much to try to make him happy. Too much maybe. According to him anyway. But tell me - who doesn't want to know that they are thought of and shown that?? I don't get it. Maybe he is just too young and immature. Afterall, things got more serious with me than they have with anyone else.

[whispering_willoww]

Let me break something down here, it may help it may not. I dated a guy off and on for about 4 years. Out of all those years and times we dated he cheated on me, and I was stupid enough to take him back up until this last time. I actually met the girl and we became friends, he doesn't know that. Well I have tried to avoid him and pretend that he doesn't exist, but he is like a cold sore that won't go away. I tried to think that we could be friends but that doesn't work. I tried to back off but he keeps persuing even harder. It's exhausting to try to be friends and also complicated. You have a history with that person and it can be tempting to try and 'spark' it back up after a while. I would just say cut him loose and go. If not you may find yourself in the same situation again and still wondering how you got there. don't be afraid of being alone because you never are. you will always have your family and your true friends. if he is been more and more cold and distant it will only get worse. Remember you cannot change a person no matter how much you try. People usually don't change. best you see their true colors now than when it's too late.