She dumped me again

[Gdunkman]

We had a breakup initiated by her in summer 2010 which was very painful for me. I had a lot of support on LS that time and there are three threads here describing different stages of our relations, I will just make a small recap of it.

 

We started dating in March 2009 she moved to my country in summer that year, we lived together for almost a year and planned to marry. In May 2010 she moved back to her city and said we won't be together, because we had too many fights *i think we didn't* I was so attached to her, she was all my life, which was my mistake, so I decided to fight for her and for our relations. During the next two months I applied all my power, time and money to move to her country and find a great job there. She didn't mind me to do that and said might be we could try to be together.

 

Then she started to look for another guy, flirted with the other guys and I had to watch it, so I stopped my attempt, we completely broke up, and I went back to my country and started NC, in some months found out she was with a new guy and lives with him. I gradually healed without breaking NC and was ok in February-March 2011. In April she appeared at my door crying and explaining she can't live without me. I didn't want to hear that at first, but then my feelings came back and we agreed to have a second chance.

 

We had relations since, mostly LDR, actually seen each other about seven weeks all together out of seven months. Everything went smooth, but red flags started to appear a week ago and until this weekend there were enough of them for a good parade in China. She didn't pick up the phone for some days, then yesterday morning she announced we have to breakup, because she reconciles with the guy who was her boyfriend when we had a break in our relations.

 

I will post later about how I feel and will give some more details.

[betterdeal]

Learn your lesson and don't let her dump you a third time.

[davesterr]

I remember when i read your post a few weeks back and was thinking: damn he got back with his ex gf and is happy. Some good things do exist.

 

You know it saddens me to hear your ex girlfriend is stupid enough to get back with her ex. but you know i learned that in the end the stupid people will always get hurt again and again.

She and that guy won't last.

Whatever made them break up will happen again and she's gonna be hurt.

The bad thing about this however is that it is no benefit to you at all.

 

It doesn't matter if shes single , crying , torn and feeling just as aweful as we all do on this forum.

Because in the end she's not with you.

And in the end she's not worth getting back together even if you could.

Because even though you still loved her and tried to make it work , it didn't.

Thats because the dumper never truely loves the dumpee like the other way around.

 

Im sorry to hear you're going through this again.

I've had my heart broken twice by the same girl so i know how it feels.

Aventually all we can do is learn from our mistakes and let go.

And maybe meet someone who isn't bitter sweet.

Who you can talk to and have fun without worrying of her leaving you again.

The kind of relationship that isn't bittersweet no matter how many sugar you add to it to make it sweet.

Just the kind of relationship that feels naturally good on both sides u know.

I don't know about what will happen in the future with you though but it seems to me ur alot like me who would do anything he can just to make the girl you love happy.

Now its just time for you to do everthing you can to make yourself happy in life with whatever comes with it.

Goodlucks man.

[Kamila]

Damn, dumped a second time. I'm so sorry.

I remembered you being so happy that she wanted to give it another try.

It's so sad it didn't work out. Really.

She doesn't know what she wants and she dragged you along.

Even after she went back to your place and begged you back.

I would say, go no contact, try anything to resist the urge to get back with her.

Think about you only, and not her.

 

Good luck.

[stunned8165]

That sucks man. Sorry to hear that. I fear her wanting to get back with me because I fear her just doing it again.. I might be a bit vunerable because I miss the kids so so bad. I don't know what I would do if she called. ... All I know is it has been almost 6 months and I'm still not right..

 

My story

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t302201/

[sunflower11]

Sorry Aye....

 

I was in a LDR too and he broke up with me and it is hard. People say it should be easier cause you are in different countries and you can move on easier? but it's not..at all. It's harder I think cause I felt so helpless when he refused to answer any calls/texts/emails..and there was no way I could even get in touch with him or talk to him about it..

 

Stay strong, it's been 2 months for me and everyday gets a little easier

[ShannonMI]

We had a breakup initiated by her in summer 2010 which was very painful for me. I had a lot of support on LS that time and there are three threads here describing different stages of our relations, I will just make a small recap of it.

 

We started dating in March 2009 she moved to my country in summer that year, we lived together for almost a year and planned to marry. In May 2010 she moved back to her city and said we won't be together, because we had too many fights *i think we didn't* I was so attached to her, she was all my life, which was my mistake, so I decided to fight for her and for our relations. During the next two months I applied all my power, time and money to move to her country and find a great job there. She didn't mind me to do that and said might be we could try to be together.

 

Then she started to look for another guy, flirted with the other guys and I had to watch it, so I stopped my attempt, we completely broke up, and I went back to my country and started NC, in some months found out she was with a new guy and lives with him. I gradually healed without breaking NC and was ok in February-March 2011. In April she appeared at my door crying and explaining she can't live without me. I didn't want to hear that at first, but then my feelings came back and we agreed to have a second chance.

 

We had relations since, mostly LDR, actually seen each other about seven weeks all together out of seven months. Everything went smooth, but red flags started to appear a week ago and until this weekend there were enough of them for a good parade in China. She didn't pick up the phone for some days, then yesterday morning she announced we have to breakup, because she reconciles with the guy who was her boyfriend when we had a break in our relations.

 

I will post later about how I feel and will give some more details.

Awwwww Gdunk I'm sorry. I remember you from awhile ago. I also remember your ex was not the nicest girl. I'm sorry this second go-around didn't work out for you. I would suggest NEVER dating her again. Even if she's crying and begging you to take her back.

 

So she's with a guy she was with before? It sounds like she does this to all the guys she dates. Dumps them and then crys and wants them back. Don't fall victim to her bullsh*t again. This is apparently her MO. I'm truly sorry you had to go through this again.:(

[Gdunkman]

It hurts like hell. I admire the wisdom of LS user DustySaltus who said more than half a year ago in this thread:

 

Let's look at the facts:

 

She broke up with her "dream guy" and started dating you almost immediately. Then she broke up with you after you were engaged and started dating someone else. Then you went back to her country and tried to make it work, even getting a job there. She flirted with guys over the phone right in front of you...you left. She comes back six months later.

 

There's a pattern here. She doesn't allow herself time to regroup. She's constantly jumping from relationship to relationship. She likes the adventure, the excitement but not the work that goes into a meaningful one.

 

Thank you all for your words of support, they are really appreciated. I reread them again and again to win a piece of calmness in my mind. It helps. It is sad, but I have to admit that it looks like I'm still at the denial stage, and true grief might come later on. I tried to talk to her after her decision, but quickly quit discussion as it was clear that it was useless. I remember well how I bent over backwards in the name of saving our relations during our first breakup, how useless it was and how awfully and stupid I felt afterwards. Now I know there is no way I can help.

 

Annoying fact is that she didn't really think too much. The guy know works in Egypt on the beach, and she goes there to stay with him, so basically she exchanges our relations for a chance to spend winter time in nice sunny weather on the beach and she doesn't deny it. She also doesn't deny that she gets bored with that guy soon as they have different interests, and that interests of her and me are a perfect match, that's why we enjoyed every minute spent together. Both her mother and her best and the only true friend are against her decision, but she doesn't want to hear anyone.

 

There is nothing I can do, I know it from my experience.

[betterdeal]

Why not go live on an even better beach in Sri Lanka or Thailand for winter and have some fun with backpacker chicks? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. No good will come of moping around feeling sorry for yourself.

[Gdunkman]

Why not go live on an even better beach in Sri Lanka or Thailand for winter and have some fun with backpacker chicks? If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. No good will come of moping around feeling sorry for yourself.

 

I'm planning it for January actually, and my life at the present time is not boring, as I'm living in a foreign country these days, but give me some time to mope, while the wounds are fresh. Still can't get her decision, she colourfully described me the misery she was in during a few months before our reconciliation. It was described as a life in a fog, constantly crying, surfing the web in an attempt to find some news about me and telling her then bf how much she wanted to be with me. Did she forget it, or is she just enjoying emotional suffering?

 

Anyway, it's time to think about myself. Here is why I think the present breakup will be easier for me, than the previous one, when my life was destroyed for at least half a year.

 

1. We lived together last time and I missed the habit of coming home after work and spending evening with my gf, when we broke up, but this time I am used to live alone and have no problem with it.

 

2. We were supposed to get married, were preparing for it, and of course I had long term plans for our family life, this time we were just dating, 75% of time LDR.

 

3. We did not promise anything to each other this time in order to reduce harm in case if things go wrong, it was smart idea as it turned out.

 

4. My apartment is not full of decor she made or we made together this time, which was a reminder of happy times spent together, I have just a few things associated with my now ex this time, I will get rid of them easily.

 

5. I didn't screw up my professional activity, last time I had to change my job, then come back to the old one after I found out we have no way to be together, so I had to gain trust from my employer again and I didn't have enough energy for that as I was healing after breakup, so I had to be involved in some stupid projects I didn't like for two or three months, what didn't add happiness to my life.

 

6. I didn't lose self-respect this time, I did everything I could last time to save the relations, a lot of steps were useless and stupid, people of my social environment saw it, I knew it myself, it took time to rebuild self-respect. This time it was like this , in short form: "I need you, I beg you, let's try again!", "OK!", time passed, "I don't need you anymore", "You sure?" "Yes", "OK!".

 

7. I lived her life last time, what, as I said before, was my mistake. I betrayed my hobbies to spend all my time with her. This time my friend advised me to make her invest at least the same effort into relations, and i followed his advice. I still completely paid for her life, was honestly interested in what she was doing, but I had my one goals as well, of which she was informed at the beginning, so

 

Now its just time for you to do everything you can to make yourself happy in life with whatever comes with it.

 

I don't even have to do it, I have my life now, I didn't lose it during our relations, like the first time, when we had mostly "our life" and "her life".

 

8. I know LS this time right after the breakup, and it helps to heal so much, that's a great source of life wisdom.

 

9. I know I should use NC right after the breakup, what I was unaware of last time.

 

10. I don't have false hopes, it took me three months last time to find out she's living with the other guy and she was constantly lying to me she wasn't, now I know if right from the first day.

 

11. Unlike the first time, I didn't lose my desire to live, to practice my hobbies, to date other girls, still feel terrible of course, the wounds are too fresh, but it will pass, I know for sure. Time, NC and my desire to heal will do the job.

[Gdunkman]

I forgot the most obvious reason in a list:

 

12. We spend just seven months together this time, a year and a half first time.

[Gdunkman]

So it's day 5 since breakup and day 4 of NC, except these words, where I have reminded I don't need communication:

 

- G., are you here?

- something important?

- M. told me you feel bad and we should talk

- Talking to you won't make me feel good. No need.

[ShannonMI]

So it's day 5 since breakup and day 4 of NC, except these words, where I have reminded I don't need communication:

 

- G., are you here?

- something important?

- M. told me you feel bad and we should talk

- Talking to you won't make me feel good. No need.

Stay strong GDunk. Don't let her weasel her way in again. Keep busy and try not to think about her too much.

[Surfer Girl]

Dusty had some very wise words...Some people are more attracted to what they once had and pine for those memories.... Yet, crave the "honeymoon" stage and may not be capable of having a lifetime of a mature love...it is very sad when you know you are capable and the one you love is not...

[PositiveNegative]

Hey,

 

You're post about getting back with your ex was the first thread I ever read on LS.

 

This girl does not sound fit for any kind of relationship. I can't believe she is playing table tennis between you two guys. You sound like you know exactly how to handle this situation.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[Gdunkman]

You sound like you know exactly how to handle this situation.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Thank you for your wishes. I try to believe it will be easier, but I'm not strong at all. I'm in a foreign country these days, all on my one, no friends around, no even someone i could talk to online, it's night time at the place where all my friends are

[Gdunkman]

Just had a long talk with my friend online, she helped me a lot by reminding what I "lost", we examined together history of my relations and history of relations of my ex. Now I'm feeling calm and contented. Time to go to bed, it's 6 am here in Montreal. Friends can help even when they are on the opposite side of the world

[Gdunkman]

What did I lose?

 

The girl who can't commit to any serious relations, who was running from one guy to another every 6-12 months since her school years, now for ten years in a row. The girl who loves herself only, and all her life is about herself. She never thought about earning money for her living, that's always her bf's obligation to pay for her life, and it's never enough, it's ok for her if her bf spends more money on her than on himself. The girl who doesn't respect anyone and treats people cruelly when she decides to run to another guy. She treated me very bad, lying to me and not thinking about what I feel at all, she treated the guy she had been with and to whom she now turned back cruelly as well, cheating on him, telling him she loved me, while they lived together.

 

Who did she find?

 

She is now back with a doormat, who doesn't have any self respect, who let her cheat on him, and that was ok for him. The muck who decided it was ok to whine and ask her to come back, while she had another bf - me. She found a guy who she doesn't love, who is not an interesting person for her, as she said numerous times, with whom she gets bored in some months. He just offered a bit better conditions like spending winter time in a warm climate on the beach, and it was enough for her to breakup with me.

 

She doesn't love anyone and doesn't respect herself, because a girl who had so many bfs can't be respected. Her approach is to date someone for some time until she gets bored and needs new adventures. Hope I will be happy soon that I quit such awful, lousy, false relations. i just need strength to forget that **** and move on.

[Gdunkman]

I'm here on LS to calm down. I've just logged into fb to block her, and while blocking accidentally took a glance at her profile photo, it raised my adrenaline level to dangerous limit It's day 9 of NC for me and still no desire to contact her ever again. I've remembered that my driver license is at her place, but I would better obtain a duplicate than contact her to get it back. I could ask someone from my friends to do it for me, but I don't want even mediated contact. She is not in my world anymore. She doesn't exist. That is my new rule.

[Chi townD]

Gee...I can only imagine what her profile photo was...

[Gdunkman]

Not only fb is evil, but newly introduced iCloud is as well! All the photos I have deleted before it has carefully downloaded to my iphone and ipad, as they still were in my online storage.

 

It is day 14 NC for me and I'm coping kind of well, especially in comparison with the same period during my first breakup. The negative factor is that I don't have my friends around as I'm abroad and I have to cope on my own. Last year I was afraid to stay alone, and this time it is just uncomfortable.

 

When I'm starting to think about my ex relations I ask myself a question "What is the value of a gf who can not deside which one of two guys she needs?", my answer is zero value, it reminds me that I didn't lose anything. Additional bonus: the other guy didn't win anything, at least in long-term consideration.

Edited December 3, 2011 by Gdunkman

[Gdunkman]

I don't have much news, no contact of course, I remember the times when we were in relations this guy texted her, even knowing we were together at that moment, he was such a doormat, that's what I did as well during our first breakup, the difference is I had no clue she was with someone else, as she was lying she wasn't, there is no way I can contact her this time.

 

Mood changes are unbelievable, mornings suck, evenings are in general ok, have dreams about her time to time, nothing romantic, we have fights or breaking up talks in my dreams.

 

Today I found out I will have to stay in Montreal for two more weeks, I'm sad, my friends are waiting for me in Ukraine, I have more than 15 people who I'm planning to see there before New Year not counting my family. By any chance there is someone from Montreal here having free time willing to meet for a coffee? Just for a chat. Hope I'm not breaking any LS rules by asking this.

[Gdunkman]

The moment I think there is too much drama in my life, been dumped twice, while some of my friends enjoy their calm family lifes, I remind the story of my friend, who is a great person and very optimistic in his life, he's in my top 5 of the most optimistic people I've ever met.

 

He works as a 1st mate of a trade vessel, so his shifts *do you call it shifts?* are about 6 months long. He had a wife and two their kids, after he went to sea another time, he came back and found her with another man. He was sad, but he loved her, and she wasn't sure, so he did his best and won her back. He went to sea again, and when he came back he found her with the same man again and with a newborn kid from that guy. My friend did his best and won her back again, so much he loved her, he bought a house for them and went to sea once more.

 

He came back and found her with a second kid from that guy, so now he had an option to reconcile with her with two kids who are not his, and he was still hesitating! In a big fight between his brain and his heart his brain won, and he stopped chasing her.

 

That is a real drama in life. My situation sounds so regular in comparison with that! No children envoloved, no marriage, nothing of that.

[Standard-Fare]

GDunkman, your story is really sad to read about and a reminder to all of us that we need to be careful with other people's hearts -- a courtesy your ex has not paid you.

 

Having been in a rollercoaster situation myself (relationship, heartbreak, relationship resumes, then ends a second time -- more heartbreak)... I hear what you're saying about the second breakup being easier. Because let's face it: When you get back together with someone after an initial breakup/heartbreak, you're not approaching the situation with the same innocence as the first time around. Deep down you know that the relationship is fully capable of imploding, so you keep certain walls up.

 

And in another way, it can help give things a sense of finality so you can REALLY move on this time. You two gave things another go, you had your second chance, and she f*cked it up once again. So now you know for sure it wasn't meant to be. You can walk away with that certainty.

 

Keep yourself busy in Montreal, whatever it takes, and try to get your head clear so you can enjoy the holidays with your friends/family.

[Gdunkman]

Thank you Standard-Fare!

 

Yes, during a second chance I knew what she can do, so I was ready for anything. I didn't have much trust, expactations, and even respect to her. Still acted very nice, she couldn't even make up any reasons to blame me for this time.

 

She messed up her life even more than mine. I had nothing to lose when she offered to give it a try, I was single and had plans in life I wasn't going to cancel, she was informed about my plans, and it was ok for her.

 

She had to cheat on her bf, dump him, move to her mother, deal with that guy's stress, stay in LDR with me, dump me and move to the other country. Perhaps that's what she likes, some unhealthy adventures, drama and life with no goals or directions.