Elpida Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Please, help....[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]The guy I met a year ago and fall in love with, few months ago I found out he has a girlfriend. Unfortunately it did not stop me seeing him... I know, I know perfectly well, it is wrong, wrong, wrong, but I could not tear myself away from him... He knows, well I presume he knows as it is quite obvious I am in love with him. What he says to me is he wished he was single so he could be with me and that he stays with her mostly because she is his security and stability; well, this and that he loves he in a way. They are planning future together but he still wants to see me. He gets jealous when other men flirt with me. At the same time he is acting hot and cold, very moody, sometimes I feel like he is punishing me for something. There is no way I will continue this affair when he is married/ engaged. And I am getting so upset and jealous and wasting my time waiting for his call. All this is so wrong... I want to end it but I still want him to be with me. My question please – do they leave their girlfriends? Do they continue cheating? Am I simply and only his convinient booty call? And if there is a smallest chance to be with him, what do I do? Stop all private contact and treat him as a friend only? Be unavailable when he wants to see me but pretend an affair is still on? Tell him (though he surely must have guessed this already) that I want a relationship with him as opposite of an affair and that he can contact me when/ if he is single? Tell his partner about him being unfaithful? I do not know what to do... it hurts so much... Thank you....[/FONT][/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
Author Elpida Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 Thank you for your painful but rightful words. I guess you heard it all many times before. But it never happened to me. My reason to be around him is the one you consider to be “foolish non-sense” – yes, I am in love with him and I want to be with him. And unfortunately the pain of not being with him – or happiness of when he is around – is stronger than my self-worth. Pathetic, sad, unacceptable? Well, yes, this and much more. And yes, it also hurts me a lot that I let him to disrespect me as well as a thought of him being with somebody else. That is why I want to get out – but I still need to know if there is anything I still could do for him to leave her and be with me... Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Elpida, No there isn't anything you can do to get him to leave her for you. He needs to take that initiative, not you. What you do, should be done for your own well being. You have to decide where you are willing to draw the line, as in, enough is enough. What am I willing to put up with and do I think I deserve better. Like, what would I say to my best friend if they were in this predicament? Don't look at it as giving him an ultimatum, just tell him, you never wanted to be his secret lover, and you never wanted to be a party to his betryal. If it is meant to be, then he will take the necessary steps to make it so. Come on now, he has no children, no wife, so what's his excuse. Ummm, just a big ole cake eater, maybe? You know what you need to do and if you continue on, you will respect yourself less and less. He may figure, he doesn't have to do the work to be with you because you are making it easy now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I don't know why you'd want to be with someone who lied to you from the beginning, allowed you to fall in love, then continue an affair knowing full well he isn't leaving his girlfriend, infact he's made plans to probably marry her.. The choice is yours. Stay and continue to be used by him, lose "you" completely in the process, or find your strength and courage, end it and make yourself get over him by telling him goodbye so you can heal. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 First he is using you for his extracurricular activities and is lying to you at the same time. This man is not married yet. If he were truly in love with you he would break up with his gf, tell her the truth, and be with you. He is lying about her being is stability and security and he feels some for her. It is much more than that. Tell him to **** off and if he really loved you he would break up with her and be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 He does not respect you, at all. If he had any respect for you as a human being, he would not have tricked you into an affair. You also do not respect yourself. If you did, you would not allow this man to continue using you as he is. You say you are in love with him, but you are in love with a fantasy you have created in your head about what it would be like to be with him. Oddly, you already know what it would be like: he would cheat on you as he does to his girlfriend. So you already know that the fantasy you are in love with is not based on reality and something you are making up in your head. You are in love with how you feel about yourself when you are with him. His hot and cold pursuit gives you just enough intermittent validation for your low self-esteem to keep going back to him to try to get just a little more validation that you are an attractive woman. I guess you don't believe you deserve better, so crumbs of attention - booty call attention - are enough for you. The longer you stay in this, the lower your self-esteem will be and the worse you will feel about yourself. The worse you feel, the more you will want from him (so you can feel better through that sexual validation he offers, sometimes). The more you want, the less satisfied you will be with what he offers (sex on the side). Dump him before you end up deeper in this hole. Dump him before he dumps you, or before he is caught cheating and dumps you. Making the choice to dump him will feel empowering. Getting dumped by him will make you feel like sh*t on his shoe. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 My former best girlfriend had the same experience, many years ago. She started dating a guy, & fell head over heels for him. Six months in, it turned out he had a steady girlfriend of TEN years. (He had neglected to mention that to my friend......) When she finally learned the truth, same as you---she was already in love and hooked in. (and didn't have strong enough boundaries to put her foot down and say, HELL no!!!) I was her sounding board/therapist for the FIVE plus year ordeal that followed. He kept telling her he was going to break it off with the original gf, but something always came up...it was one excuse after another. She would get away from him for a few months, only to get sucked back in again. In the meantime, she was letting other romantic opportunities pass her by..... There was even a D-day, when the original gf found out about the affair, & broke up with him. He STILL didn't come around..... My girlfriend tried to maintain a friendship with him, only to be figuratively slapped in the face when he ended up in the hospital---guess which woman he called first? OP--please don't put yourself through something similar for a man who lied to you from the get-go. And you may be well served to spend some time looking at why you would allow that in your life.......Some women are repeatedly attracted to unavailable men--I can't say if that's you or not, just based on one thread here---Only you can say whether or not this is a pattern in your life. (if it IS--you can change it with self-examination, and move towards more fulfilling relationships.) Work on lifting your self-esteem, and deciding what you will & won't tolerate in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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