Just another post of feeling hopeless.

[davesterr]

I wasn't going to start any more topics anymore because after giving out so much of my own advice i thought i was finally listening to myself and was able to do whatever neccessary to get over my problems.

But right now i just wanna rant on cuz i feel like **** and im scaring all my friends away so just ignore this is you dont feel like reading this really long post.

 

Nothing has changed in the last 2 months.

Im still sticking to nc and i try to take babysteps in getting back to the real world.

Untill i am ready to take a bigger step like finding and getting a job.

The thing is , for some reason i cant let go of my ex girlfriend.

I realised and understood that there is no hope left.

That in no way will we ever get back together.

In a way i completely gave up and am ready to move on.

But for some reason i cant.

 

I look back at the past even when i try so hard not to.

And i go through all the possible scenarios of what i could've done more.

What i could've done better.

In the end i know the past is the past and no matter what i do i cant change it.

I gave everything up for this girl and i never hurt her once that i know of.

She just fell out of love and didn't like me anymore.

It's just that , it kills me.

Thinking of her being with her new online boyfriend hurts.

All the sick thoughts get in my head of what they do hurts.

Knowing she acts like a whore in school and let guys feel her up so she gets attention and feels popular tears me apart.

And knowing that she's going to be with a guy in reallife is just too painful to even describe.

Knowing that she's gonna lose her virginity to someone else truely kills me.

See i dont care if its a nice guy or a frikkin douche bag.

In the end its not gonna be me.

 

I waited all my life to find the perfect girl.

Im not even putting her on a pedestal. She really truely was.

The only thing that wasn't perfect is the fact that she didn't feel the same.

But u know , i truely loved her and i waited my whole life for her.

She was my first kiss and i was hers.

And i always thought i would lose my virginity to her and have the first time to be making love.

Not just sex with some random skank in a club.

No , truely 2 souls coming together and uniting as one.

But now that dream is shattered.

I know no matter what i do , no matter how hard i want to try.

I can never be with her ever again.

I already flew to her country in march i already sacrificed everything i had for her and yet it still wasn't enough.

 

I know people tell me that you will find someone else but i know i wont.

I swore off love all together.

Theres just no way i can ever trust someone else ever again.

No way i can give a girl my full heart.

My total everthing and love her with all that i have.

Willing to die for her whenever i need to.

Because i know , girls just dont feel the same.

 

I might sound mean , but i learned a few things along the way.

My view is that theres only 2 types of girls.

virgins , and sluts.

And aventually all virgins will turn into sluts.

Theres just no point in trying to find the right girl.

And i waited all my life to find my ex girlfriend.

Just knowing i will never make love and simply stuck with having sex with girls i dont care bout and that having to be my first time just sucks.

I waited all my life for this moment and now it will never happen.

And knowing she will lose it to someone else truely kills me.

 

In a way its not about sex or making love.

Its just that shes going to be with someone else , no matter how badly its gonna hurt me.

And it doesn't matter if her new boyfriend wont fly across the world for her twice like it did becuz if hes at her school he will already be there.

And no matter how much i love her , it just doesn't matter.

Cuz shes perfectly fine living her life while im here being completely torn everyday.

 

Everday i tell myself to run away from her as far as i can , and to never look back.

No small talk , no checking her facebook , no looking at her messages , nothing!

Because i know the smallest peak might make me see her with someone else.

And that would truely kill me.

 

Now i know you all wonder where this is going because it all seems like a rage.

And in the end every topic on this forum leads to the same point.

Moving on. How do we do it?

 

I've been giving my best advice everytime to so many on here.

And i try to listen to it and other peoples advices aswel.

So i know you have to start focussing on you.

Not feel paralised and affraid to go back in to the real world.

To keep on trying no matter how often u fail becuz living a life in fear is not living at all.

But i ask myself: What's the point?

I know im supposed to make myself happy and find a purpose in life.

But i completely swore off love all together.

Theres no way i can ever love again and i highly truely doubt il ever find someone like my ex girlfriend.

There's just no way.

And i know never to say never but we gotta stay realistic here and look at the odds.

Then again with every girl being basicly a slut who just mess around.

And no one truely caring.

With the movie type of love not existing.

This world becomes a real hollow and empty place.

Theres just no happiness i can find in it.

You can tell me to work out , join a gym , do hobbies and try to live the best life u can.

But when ur rockbottom and theres nothing else to live for.

It becomes really hard.

 

All i wanna do everyday is to just take a gun and blow my brains out.

Take a knife and cut out my own heart.

To go on top of the highest building and jump off landing flat on my chest and my head.

Just so the pain and torment will stop.

What is there to live for when ur in complete agony and despair?

I cant tell myself to live incase i will find someone who will truely love me becuz i will never truely love anyone else.

 

Theres plenty of girls who want me and that really like me.

But all i can think of is my ex.

Some people say time heals all wounds.

But if you really love someone as close as ever then you know thats not true.

I lost family members years ago and it still hurts like yesterday.

Some other people say, time doesnt heal all wounds but simply makes u learn how to live with it.

But im just completely lost.

What is there to live for really.

 

I see guys on this forum posting about suicide and i know its not the right thing.

I know these guys aren't serious of comitting it and simply just letting everyone know they feel hurt.

And i think its so stupid that im letting 1 girl ruin my entire life just becuz i cant be with her.

But in a way its not that , its just that she showed me the real world for what it is.

A shallow empty place where everyone only cares bout themselves.

And where love just doesn't exist becuz like i said.

Theres only virgins and sluts.

And i know some women on this forum reading this will go mad at me.

But i talked to alot of my female friends and i know alot of people.

And everyone either agrees or proves that im right.

It just makes me sad.

 

I guess in the end of this long post im not asking for anyones advice.

Nothing can be said that i haven't already heard or know.

But right now im just starring in front of me completely empty.

I dunno what's worth living when you dont wanna live anymore.

And when everything just loses its meaning.

How can someone make himself happy if nothing pleases him?

And i know seeing a movie or doing a hobby isn't a reason enough to stay alive in this missery.

In the end it just completely sucks and i don't see any way it could change.

 

Thanks for letting me get this out.

Edited November 21, 2011 by davesterr

[fenderjames]

Sounds like your really in the thick of it bro . You can't see a way out - its like that old analogy " can't see the forest thru the trees ". I got pretty frustrated the other day (posted under " slipping") because after 3 months of NC I woke up and wham ! it was back with a vengence . I mean the blues and the dark . Lingered with me all bloody weekend . I was pissed because I was feeling a bit better and I figured after 3 months I should be coming round . Well I was friggin' wrong because its not gone away yet and absolutely nothing triggered it . So, it was wicked rough to gain acceptance thru NC that it was over , now I have to accept that one thing may be over , the other is not . I hope that last bit makes sense . I don't know any other way to put it . Although I don't feel as strongly as you re: woman in general , I do feel that a wall has gone up and trust is a shaky word . Anyway , all I'm saying I guess is that its over ( the crap feelings ) when its over - no timeframe , no jumping the gun . Good luck to you . Cheers