Hotforteacher Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 This is fairly long, but worth the read, i promise. I am 22 years old. I met a girl my age while on exchange together in Bangkok, Thailand. She is from Singapore and I am from Canada. The minute I met her, I was in love. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend she loved back home. We instantly connected and became best friends and inseparable from the first week. She asked me to join her and her mother (in town to help set her daughter up) for dinner the second day we met, and we all just connected so easily. I obviously held back my feelings for a long time *because she had been with this guy for over a year and a half.* As school started we began to travel together, watch movies, text all the time, and after a couple months, even shared a bed while on an island trip in southern Thailand. *I didn't touch or initiate anything with her for 4 nights. We got home and things got a little awkward but we talked about it and I told her I didn't want to jeopardize her relationship with her boyfriend. She said "i get it" and brushed off my comment by continuing flirting/texting. We continued partying with all the exchange students (this is Bangkok, remember) and started sharing a bed again back at the apartment complex we both lived at. 6 nights passed with only talking, spooning, a little kissing, and sleeping. I made sure every step of the way, that it was something she wanted and she talked about the reasons she didn't see herself having a happy life with this guy, why I was the most amazing guy she'd ever met, and how nobody had ever wanted her to follow her dreams in life more than I did. What was I supposed to do? I was in love with this girl from the start. She made me believe it was mutual. We spent about a month together 24 hours a day, and really talked so much about how difficult it would be to stay together and the exchange possibly being an escape from real life, making the return to real life together disappointing and a mistake. We were madly in love after becoming best friends for 5 months. I personally felt we wouldn't have had the opportunity to get together if we weren't apart, but we would have never met either. Getting the opportunity to really connect with someone on that without the confusion/pressures/influences of friends, family, *is rare and beautiful, and should be looked at as being able to see reality more clearly. Had we met in home life, it would've been.. Too normal, and routine... 2 things I have never been. When she left for home, she broke up with her boyfriend. She told him she only made out with and had feelings for someone. (didnt have the heart tell him the truth) He was pissed but was willing to forgive her if she wanted. She picked me. I visited her and her family 10 days later for a week with my brother and some exchange friends. They were hesitant about the idea at first but quickly grew to believe she and I were meant to be together. *she came back to visit me in Bangkok for 4 days to see me off before I left for Canada. We talked and talked about whether our feelings were real, or if they were just heightened by the euphoria of the holiday semester abroad. Our relationship was one stronger than I have had with anyone in my life. We both felt it was so worth it to wait 6 months and I would find an internship in finance in Singapore after finishing school, something I had planned on doing in Bangkok, Singapore or hong kong anyway. We told each other we loved the other, and had a beautiful tear-free goodbye in Bangkok. When I got home, we talked every day, skyped regularly, and our feelings for each other grew so much stronger... Something we didn't think would happen so easily She made me beautiful elaborate cards, I mailed letters back every second week, and we were counting down the days we would see each other again. *It would be her visiting for her first white Christmas ever. I started to plan a surprise trip down for her birthday which coincidentally was during my study break and thus*began messaging her mom to straighten out logistics. *Two days before I buy my flight, we have our regular amazing chat, she goes out with friends and for the first time in months runs into her ex. She realizes she has feelings for him still, they hook up. She called me the next day and told me.* I was obviously crushed, but Through the dissappointment, I understood how she still had feelings for him, as they broke up so suddenly and he was her rock for a long time. I wanted her to take time to figure out what she wanted and tell me when she'd made up her mind. She wanted to be alone for a while to figure herself out, which i understood. Unfortunately, she never told him we were still together, and as he sent me a hate-message when he was cheated on, my "nice to see we practice what we preach" reply to him when this happened made him realize what she had done.* I dont think she really ever wanted to be alone to think and grow. She started throwing herself at him because she felt bad for what happened before. (and in my opinion, because she had never been honest with him, he lived in Singapore, and it was easier to mend things) He used her for a while and then told her he just wanted to be friends. Honestly, in his situation, I might've done the same. She is a beautiful girl. I removed the whole family from Facebook to clear distractions and be sure I still wanted her too. Because of how much her family cared for and wanted me in their daughters life, her mother secretly started messaging me, swearing me to secrecy, telling me she was so sorry, how her daughter is in denial about my feelings for her now, how the family really thought we were meant to be together, how she's been throwing herself at the other guy, how they suspect he's "taking her for a ride", how she is not a happy person these days, and how her mother attends church and prays every night that her daughter will come to her senses. Strange she would say these things, as blood runs thicker than water, and as someone she had only physically spent 10 days with, would obviously not say things to me she thought wouldn't be best for her daughter. My conversations with my ex slowly became disjointed and mostly useless unhealthy "small talk". I sent one long email explaining why I thought it would've worked out, what she did wrong, and how I still felt. I had decided that I could forgive her, even though the long distance relationship would be so difficult to mend. It was worth it to me. I left it open ended, saying if she didn't reply, I would leave her alone. *She immediately texted me after reading the email saying she wanted to reply, I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but she had a ton of schoolwork and exams that would prevent her from replying immediately. I took that as a good sign. A week later, she replies saying it was the best time of her life, but the holiday did add to her feelings (even though we exhausted that *conversation topic a hundred times) and we wouldn't have happened if she wasn't away from home and her boyfriend. She got erked at me telling her how she messed up, then said she still thinks about me all the time and would hate for us not to talk... Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too.* It's fair to assume his words were influencing/clouding her judgement at this point, but what can you do?* I was disgusted with the reply, because I was ready to leave in June without her being mine. Not happily, but I would accept it eventually. She decided she wanted it as much as I did. And to go and say those things just seems like a way of not being able to swallow pride and admit to a mistake. She recently told me her heart still skips a beat whenever I text, and I just cut off communication after that, because she is just poking to see if she is still wanted or if I have moved on. I can't do anything from the other side of the world, but I honestly feel our paths will cross again, and it will either be disastrous or beautiful. I have to make my dreams come true in the meantime. I can't tell somebody how I think they should change. They must do it for themselves. I would love any insight from impartial people. I know I'm 22, an awesome guy, and I have plenty of girls and experiences ahead of me. It just sucks to not understand something, and be unable to figure it out because of logistics. (distance) Thank you for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 \ I would love any insight from impartial people. I know I'm 22, an awesome guy, and I have plenty of girls and experiences ahead of me. It just sucks to not understand something, and be unable to figure it out because of logistics. (distance) Thank you for reading. My experience with women and LDRs is that they are not very good at staying faithful in those situations. So it's just one of those things. It wasn't your fault, and you should not blame her too much either. Just kind of let it go. What really impresses me is that this girl was fairly honest with you about everything. Personally, I would just stay friends with her and date other women. It may transition into a great friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hotforteacher Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 She had always been really honest with me. She knew how much I valued it. I think i am the only person she has been completely honest with, obviously until now. I really think if I saw her again with someone else, it would be incredibly tough for me unless I was truly happy with someone myself. I really wonder if she is suffering now, having lost 2 people. It's all I think about, but that is normal, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 If she is such a "beautiful girl" she will have no trouble attracting another man. So you need not feel sorry for her for losing 2 men. Cheaters lose lots of men. They don't care so much, because there are always other men. Hopefully, this experience will teach you not to judge beauty only from the outside. Cheaters have some emotional issues that create problems in every relationship they get into, and they hurt other people ALL THE TIME. That makes them ugly, not beautiful. Take her off that pedestal you have placed her on. She's not all that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hotforteacher Posted November 21, 2011 Author Share Posted November 21, 2011 I am trying. Believe me I've gotten enough of this tough love from family and friends. Her mother messaging me, and her being someone I know is extremely close with her daughter and is someone she regularly turns to for advice, has made me see that she is not that generic a cheater, that you speak of. I'm not naive in thinking she tells her mother everything, but I guess a mother always knows. She isn't the heartbreaker you have generalized her to be. I'm not making excuses for her, it is just the truth. This may make me sound desperate, but trust me, I am not. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Well, maybe her mother has visions of a Canadian green card for her daughter. You don't know her motives for contacting you. Frankly, that sounds messed up to me, that her mother would email you. Totally messed up. I'm not concerned about her being a heartbreaker. I'm concerned that she chose to cheat on her bf, yet you still have her up on a pedestal. I'm concerned that YOU were ok with her cheating on her bf. That makes you slimey. Why would you be open to this kind of crap in your life? You brought it on yourself - you knew she was a liar and a cheater, and you were fine and dandy with that since you were getting what you wanted. Look, there are boundaries. And people who cross boundaries because they are selfish and selfishly hurt other people need to do a lot of introspection to figure themselves out, or they will continue to screw with people's lives as well as messing up their own. You started down a path where you decided it was ok to be with someone who cheats. That's on you. Don't compound your error by thinking this was some grand love that will never come again. Work on your own self-esteem issues that allowed you to accept a cheater into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hotforteacher Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 You may be right, but it isn't always so black and white. If she hadn't expressed similar interest, I wouldn't have acted on my feelings. if we weren't soon to be 15000km apart, we could've waited. Ideally she would've broken up with him before we did anything, but although maybe an excuse, the circumstances made the situation a bit different. I suffered for so long not acting on my feelings, to the point where I lost sleep every night when we were only just friends. I had never felt anything like it and didn't want to ruin it as well. I don't think that makes me slimy at all. Your words are helpful, but maybe a bit harsh. In the end, I am still young, can learn from life everyday, and just have to keep on doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Ideally she would've broken up with him before we did anything, but although maybe an excuse, the circumstances made the situation a bit different.No, the circumstances did not make it different. She went away for school, and she met you and she let you into her bed and started cheating on her boyfriend. Instead of calling him and being honest with him, she made choices to betray a guy just like YOU who was into her. Don't pretend to yourself that what she chose to do - to hurt her boyfriend and turn him into a fool - as anything other than what it is. I suffered for so long not acting on my feelings, to the point where I lost sleep every night when we were only just friends. I had never felt anything like it and didn't want to ruin it as well. I don't think that makes me slimy at all. I'm sure her boyfriend who found out his girl was cheating on him would not appreciate how long you suffered, and would indeed think it is slimey since you also knew the choices you were making. No one forced you to get involved with another guy's girl. You chose it, and were right there every step of the way as she cheated. Yes, I'm being harsh. You need to face reality instead of romanticizing this affair. Otherwise, you will remain stuck in this place you are in now and will likely repeat this selfish, validation-seeking behavior. Is that the kind of man you want to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hotforteacher Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Thanks For the support. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 22 is way too young to be so emo. You cheated with a skank, you knew you were cheating, enough said. Move on. Which is exactly why both of them should end up together. Link to post Share on other sites
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