I was getting ready to propose....then she broke up with me 'cause I hadn't yet....

[Pini0n]

Very confused on what to do...

 

I was with my girlfriend for almost 7 years. I have mentioned in the past that I wanted to marry her, but I never proposed. We broke up 4 years ago because of this, she felt that I was just stringing her along.

 

Recently I have been thinking about when the right time to do it...and I told myself, what about her birthday, so I started looking into purchasing a ring.

 

Problem...yesterday we "sort of" broke up because I haven't proposed to her, and now she is looking for a new place to live.She tells me that she doesn't want to push me into it and that if I was to propose to her right now, she would decline.

 

We are still on speaking terms, that is not an issue. Her birthday is in a few days and I am still taking her out.

 

 

The question is, do I still propose to her even though she already told me she would decline? I'm scared to death that she IS going to say no to me and not believe me that these were my intentions prior to us recently talking about her concerns.

 

I NEED HELP!!!!

[magda]

Why didn't you propose to her right then? I mean, at that point, you could say, "I wasn't going to afford the ring until such and such day," and then she can have it then. It takes away the special thing about it, but man, you had seven years - the special thing would've, apparently, taken place awhile ago. She was sick of waiting that's where you point to a day instead of let her go. I think she did a good thing because I don't really believe what you're saying about ever seriously making up your mind. Proposing isn't just about a ring. You're supposed to want to ask, not just ask because you don't want to lose her. I think you should wait a few months. Prove you're worth her time and that you're serious by deciding what you really see in your future with her. Tell her you want to marry her only if it's true.

[Pini0n]

To start with, I would like to say thank you for your responce...I'm looking for any advice at this point.

 

RE: "Why didn't you propose right then"

Right then, as in when she broke up with me? See, I think that she, just as you do apparently, think that I am full of it. That I am still just trying to string her along. I wanted to make it as special of a moment as possible, not a "don't break up with me". I am 100% sincere (sp??) on wanting to marry her. It's a little difficult to express that via a message board.

 

How do you just ask someone for their hand, when they just told you they were moving out and feel that they should probably see other people. Also, did you not see that I mentioned that she "doesn't want to push me into it" and that if I was to propose to her right now, she would decline. How am I supposed to propose right then? She flat out said she would say NO. Sounds like it was out of the question to me.

 

 

So, you think that, even though I had the intentions on proposing to her when I take her out for her birthday on Tuesday, that I shouldn't?

[DerangedAngel]

So, you think that, even though I had the intentions on proposing to her when I take her out for her birthday on Tuesday, that I shouldn't?

 

If:

 

You have a reason for not already proposing in the past seven years you've been together (she waited on you for seven years? wow).

 

You truly love her, and can express your love for her in a way that she knows you are sincere.

 

You can't see yourself without her. (Magda: ) Tell her you want to marry her only if it's true.

 

Then:

 

Propose to her whenever you feel the time is right.

 

If by chance she says "no", then walk away from this one. It seems to me that she is pretty hurt. Most women would be, I think. If she turns you down now, I don't see her changing her mind (for some reason).

 

Best of luck to you.

 

-Deranged

[Pini0n]

Yes, I'm sure there are reasons why I never asked in the past....some valid and I'm sure, some I have simply made up to help cope with the underlying fact that I was scared and not mature enough to handle that level of commitment.

 

I have been with this woman since we were 19 and I can't see myself without her. I have always felt that she was my sole mate.

 

I don't think that she will say know, as long as I can show that I am truely sincere with my intentions. It scares me to even think that she might say no, because I know at that point, I will just have to walk away, and leave the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[magda]

I think your full of it because she apparently thinks so. You don't just dump a 7-year boyfriend who's about to ask you to marry him just because he took too long. You dump him because you don't believe he's going to ever come around. It's more than a ring, again.

Clearly you haven't spoken very convincingly about any sort of serious future together, any future plans. You haven't given her enough reason to believe you want the same future she does. It isn't just a matter of a ring or a wedding, IMO. It's about your general communicativeness about the future.

 

You want to get her to realize you're serious come up with some really solid plans about the future and what you want to do with her in it, how you see it.

[Pini0n]

Magda,

 

I agree with you, she dumped me because thought/thinks that I would never come around. She was unaware of my plans, so its not like she dumped me because I was took to long, knowing that I was going to propose in a few days.

 

I wanted to keep my ideas a secretive as possible so I can make things as romantic as I could, but obviously that was the wrong way to go about it.

 

Hind sight is 20/20

[magda]

Well, then how did it come about that she told you she'd say no if you asked now?

[Pini0n]

Ok, I way lay out the entire story...I have been only mentioning bits and pieces.

 

 

For about 2 weeks she has been a little standoffish, so finally, on Wednesday I drew it out of her. She said that she was concerned that I was never going to marry her. At that point, I reitterated what I had previously told her, that I do want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. She then said that she doesn't want to push me into something that I don't want to do, she said that even if I were to ask her right then, she wouldn't accept because she would feel that she forced me into it. Which of course this statement concerns me because I start to think about when an "acceptable" time would be to ask her. My thoughts at that point are: Do I go ahead with my plans or do I pospone for a while? If I pospone, then it is just going to make her think that I don't want to marry her. If I ask to soon, is she going to think that I was pressured into it.

 

I did not mention my intentions to propose a week later.

 

 

After talking with her about her concerns, I thought that I had eased her concerns, at least for a little while. After we talked, she started acting like her old self again, until Sunday.

 

Sunday she again was standoffish, didn't really talk to me much when we were out and about. I had asked her out to dinner for her birthday, but she didn't seem to enthoused with me taking her out. So Sunday night, after asking her "what is wrong" several times, she finally opened up and started talking to me.

 

This is when she told me that she wanted some "space" and "time to think" because I haven't come around and she was concerned that I was never going to come around. After talking for awhile, I finally told her that I had intended on proposing to her on her birthday, but I think that she thinks that it only stemmed from our conversation on Wednesday.

 

That is pretty much the full story. It is now 1am and I'm sure I'm leaving something out. I hope I'm not leaving any important details out.

 

I'm tired, but I can't sleep, and I need to start getting ready for work in a couple of hours.

[RackEmUp]

I wanted to make it as special of a moment as possible

This is getting to be one of those old familiar LS stories that I am sick to death of. Guy and girl dance around the idea of marriage in a long term relationship. One - or both - insist that the actual moment of the proposal be made "as special as possible", to the point where the logistics and planning become overwhelming. And/or guy insists on deferring the moment until some mystical time when he is not being "pressured" to propose. And the girl waits quietly, passively, perhaps wordlessly, for what her heart is craving - to be asked to share her life with the man she loves. And then the fallout appears here on Loveshack.

 

Here's just a thought for all of you young lovers:

 

* If you insist that the proposal itself involve special locales, clothing, actions, feelings, all at high expense and with much fussing and grief, it may never happen.

 

* The moment of proposal is just a moment. Your life together will likely go on for decades (if you can learn how not to get snagged on silly issues like this one)

 

* Women can ask men to marry them, and SHOULD, if they want marriage and haven't heard a proposal in their timeframe. Just the same way that you have to suggest to him to take you out, or what flowers to buy, or how you would like him to arrange your birthday celebration. (In general, I encourage EVERYBODY to ask for what they want, in a charming way. You get a lot more of your needs met, with a lot less misunderstanding, than waiting for an opposite-gendered person to read your mind.)

 

* If you are a man, and you know you want to marry your SO, then ask her NOW! I mean it! When her frustration has reached the breaking point, and her bags are packed, it will likely be too late.

[tiki]

PiniOn--

 

I can see your point and I too would be concerned. I can see the other points made with the seven years and all, man that is a long time. I might would have left a lot sooner.

 

The only advice that I could give to you is to propose when the time is right. Even if it's another 5 years, lol, KIDDING! But when you do propose and she says yes (she will say yes, my dear) I would explain to her the situation that you were in and that way she WON'T think u pulled it out of your azz b/c she was griping. This girl loves you enough to had put up with you not asking for seven years, she can wait another couple of weeks or months unitl you are prepared.

 

Bottom line, I say ask her, just prepare to explain afterward. If you don't she will be hurt and confused thinking that she pushed you into it. If she does say no, well, then, ask the next girl sooner maybe? =)

[FolderWife]

Have you bought the ring yet??????

 

If you have, give her a rose, and a lovey dovey card with the RECEIPT inside. Then, get down on one knee and propose.

 

If you haven't got the ring yet....I don't think she is going to believe that you honestly were planning on proposing, and she may NOT say yes.

[FolderWife]

Do you KNOW how to be sincere????? If you are acting all nonchalont, and telling her that, "Well, I was going to propose to you, but you just said you say no, so..." then she IS going to say no.

 

If you get down on one knee (when you two are alone, in your house) and tell her that you love her, and that you can't live without her, and that you wanted to plan a big extravagant proposal, but you realized that you can't wait that long, then pull out the ring, and say, "I know I am going to love you for the rest of my life. I need you in my life, and I would be so honored to have YOU be my wife, so *insert name here* will you marry me?"

 

 

You may want to explain that you wanted "everything to be perfect" is why you waited so long.

 

See, you have to understand that whatever made you decide to start planning to propose, is probably the same thing that got her little mind thinking that you should. She wanted you to, just as badly as you wanted to. When you decided to "wait for the right moment", she didn't know that you were trying to plan something, so she started to doubt your comittment to her. Then, when you pulled it out of her, she told you flat out what the problem was, and being the guy that you are, she KNEW that you'd probably propose out of pity, and not because you couldn't live without her.

 

Now, thanks to your waiting game, if she does marry you, she's going to spend the rest of her life thinking that you did it, just because she made you. So she's leaving.

 

You ruined it. There isn't going to be a suprise now. The suprise is ruined!

 

Forget the ring and engagement now....just tell her that you were an idiot, and you want to marry her, so "LET'S FLY OFF TO VEGAS THIS WEEKEND, AND GET MARRIED!!!"

 

Or skip the proposal all together, since it's ruined any way, and tell her that you want to marry her, and invite her to come with you to pick out the rings. If she wants a traditional proposal, then tell her, "Well, then you're going to have to wait until I can get everything set up!"

[FolderWife]

An even better idea would be to go out and buy the HUGEST diamond you can find, and propose with it (expect to spend $3000.....if you had proposed SOONER, you could've gotten away with one of those $500 deals).

 

Honestly, I wasn't ready to say yes when my husband proposed, but he had purchased such a HUGE diamond, that I couldn't say no.....actually, I couldn't say anything I said yes, and planned a long engagement....then I fell head over heels, couldn't stand to be away from him, and eloped with him

[shortbus74]

Just do it, what do you have to lose? You only live once....

[Pini0n]

- RackEmUp

It would be so much easier if people would just out right say what they want and not to beat around the bush.

 

- tikibrandy

I am already getting EXTREAMLY nervous right now, and it is still 3 hours untill I am meeting her for dinner. At this point, I have full intentions on asking her tonight.

 

- Monday

Yes, I already have the ring. I really wouldn't want to do it any other way. It isn't the biggest HUGEST diamond that I can find, but I think that it is actually a pretty good size for the size of her fingers. She has very petite fingers, so I thought that anything over 1ct would be way to big for her.

 

 

 

- Everyone

Again, I appreciate everyones input on my situation. I appreciate everyone that said what I wanted to hear..."just do it" and I appreciate the harsh reality that people pointed out. I have really nothing to loose, so I am going to go ahead with my plans.

 

I am extreamly nervous right now and getting frustrated ironing my cloths. I will let you all know how things go.

[tiki]

woooooohoooooo! please let us know how it goes. I'm sure she'll say yes!!! Congrats for making the plunge.

[winterwonderland]

I think the best way to win her heart is bring all your exes. That way they can discuss the real YOU. Because YOU just can't even seem to know yourself. From reading your posts it sounds to me like it is all about what YOU want. The way YOU want it. THe way YOU feel it should be done and not what should have been done. Wow...I wouldnt want to marry someone like YOU. And how many times have we written that ever so famous word..YOU?? And what do YOU think will happen if she says yes? Yes your rigth again YOU will have a wonderful marriage. What will she have??????????????????????????? oh ya i forgot.....YOU!!!!!!!!!!

[Pini0n]

Well, just to give everyone the update I promised a month ago.

 

To make a long story short, my heart and my world has been shattered into a million pieces. I lost the love of my life and I hate myself for it. I am miserable without her.

 

I not only lost my lover, but my best friend. To make matters worse, everyone who I thought were my friends, and yes, I mean everyone, show absolutly no compassion towards me in my time of need. I don't expect my friends to try to make the world right, but the least they could do is lend a shoulder to cry on.

 

I have lost a lot of friends over the years, some come and others go. My ex and I shared a mutual group of friends that we would socialize with on virtually a daily basis...we gather at a local Starbucks and shoot the ****. They are all aware of the situation, but they seem rather content to let me sit in my corner falling deeper and deeper into depression; I have no one I can talk to.

 

If anyone has a concern about me ending my life, don't worry, that is not going to happen. Of course the thought has crossed my mind, but I think that is kind of normal in this type of situation...the key is acting on the impulses.