Dumpers: why do they refuse to meet you face to face?

[hoping2heal]

Why do dumpers refuse to meet you face to face after a breakup? Why do they always seem to bypass this meet up/ignore the question when the dumpee asks it? Girl dumper perspective would be appreciated.

 

Consider this a kindness. I don't ever want to give a guy the impression he still has a chance and that is because I am being fair. It would be playing with someone's head or lead to false hope and more hurt if I agree to do something like that. You can't be "just friends" when a relationship ends and one person is still in love - in some cases both parties might still be in love but the dumper has just come to accept the relationship won't work. It prolongs the hurt to keep that person around that's why I don't keep a dumper around and as a dumper myself I don't stay around. If I have chosen to move on I want them to move on too - I don't want them to be stuck analyzing every move I make or every word I speak to them, looking for some small sign that they might get me back - I would never want to do that to someone because I find it incredibly hurtful.

 

When you've been dumped you want that attention and you want that acknowledgement, but you don't need it - it's not good for you - it just prolongs the obvious and gives you a distraction from accepting that the relationship is over and keeping a wound open for someone who fully deserves to have it heal is not something I ever hope to do to a person I've had a relationship with.

[Sugarkane]

I mean I could've dumped my ex so many times if I wanted too. And in my case I shouldve. Yet I didn't. And my ex was far from perfect.

[Sugarkane]

I

I mean who wouldnt get angry after being dumped by text?

[betterdeal]

Why do dumpers refuse to meet you face to face after a breakup? Why do they always seem to bypass this meet up/ignore the question when the dumpee asks it? Girl dumper perspective would be appreciated.

 

Because they don't want to. So f*ck 'em.

[shayla]

Regardless, the dumper should have the decency to communicate and let us have the truth and closure. I think it's because they are immotionally imature. And no regard for the others feelings. In my case, my ex seemed really really confused at the end. Turns out there was another guy. Her boss. I can't wait for that honeymoon phase to end. I just keep getting this gut feeling she is going to be reaching out soon. Why? Not sure. Maybe because she suddenly appeared after five months twice in a week and a half in a location she knows I travel everyday.. Who knows.

 

 

The thing is, they didn't give us truth during the relationship, so they certaiinly aren't going to start now! Lying like that, to cover up cheating becomes so easy for these people, it becomes a lifestyle!

[shayla]

I mean I could've dumped my ex so many times if I wanted too. And in my case I shouldve. Yet I didn't. And my ex was far from perfect.

 

Many times I could have, should have, and did dump him, but every time, he'd cry beg and plead in public. He would beg me to meet him in person and do this....but when he dumped me, he would not face me at all. He sent me a flippant email full of lies and never communicated with me again. (except for the virus he sent me when my dad died)

 

I will never understand why a person would do this, it still confuses me.

[YouNeverKnow86]

The proper way for the dumper to handle a breakup is to be respectful to the dumpee and be there for them in time of need. When I broke up with my ex girlfriend a few years ago I was always there for her when she called/texted me after the breakup. Now I never initiated contact and not once did I give her false hope but I helped her get through the breakup. I didn't ignore her, become cold/distant or say mean disrespectful things to her. Now to this day we are on talking terms and in fact she returned the favor and was there for me with my current breakup. I always say do unto others as you would want done to yourself.

 

My current ex dumper was there for me a little bit but at the same time did all the wrong things (ignored me/cold and distant/saying disrespectful things). I don't buy the whole "they do this as an act of kindness" bit. These dumpers do whatever they have to do in order to heal themselves and move on from the situation. It is a selfish act on their part, you can't tell me these people go cold/distant as an act of kindess for the dumpee. I believe if you truly cared for someone you will be there for them in time of need, this is the responsibility of the dumper.

[stillafool]

I disagree. They aren't responsible to help you get over them. Suppose you carry the torch for years? Are they suppose to be there for you 5 years down the road? This is making them responsible for your happiness which they are not. You have to move on and find a way on your own to do that. If they stick around you may never get over them. Especially if they have told you to "leave me alone" and "you are scaring me".

[sunflower11]

I

I mean who wouldnt get angry after being dumped by text?

 

Well...I was pissed! It's the lowest thing they can do...that and simply disappearing to me are the worst ways to break up with someone...cowardssss

[YouNeverKnow86]

I disagree. They aren't responsible to help you get over them. Suppose you carry the torch for years? Are they suppose to be there for you 5 years down the road? This is making them responsible for your happiness which they are not. You have to move on and find a way on your own to do that. If they stick around you may never get over them. Especially if they have told you to "leave me alone" and "you are scaring me".

 

No they are not responsible in you "getting over them", it is respect for someone you "cared about." 5 years? Highly doubtful.......but their actions burn bridges. I had one ex that did the same thing to me and a year later showed up on my doorstep and apologized for how she treated me. I think emotionally immature people "run" from situations and have no backbone/care for others feelings.

 

The "leave me alone" and "you are scaring me" are cop outs. The same girl 24 hours previously told me "you will always have a special place in my heart" "I will always care for you" "if it is meant to be it is meant to be." So was I really scaring someone if they constantly switch what they are saying? It is all BS and selfishness; I was only "scaring" her when she knew I was right........Her being wrong for breaking up with me on the phone/confronting her of her immaturity. I also just think it was an act to try to make me feel bad because she was obviously guilty (always apologizing)

[YouNeverKnow86]

I agree.

 

In 90% of relationships someone didn't wake up one day, stop loving the other person and dump them. Usually the dumpee hasn't accepted that the relationship is doomed or, as often, chooses to ignore it. The dumpee doesn't really want to know 'why' but rather to be given another chance or to get rid of some anger. Judgng how some posters in this thread talk with anger about their ex's, I can understand that the dumper would not want to confront them.

 

Also, as a guy, I don't want the woman I'm dating or new girlfriend to be coddling the insecurities of some ex boyfriend. Nobody benefits from it.

 

Cut the umbilical cord and move on.

 

Yukon you are speaking in terms of a dumper that doesn't feed "breadcrumbs." A dumper is not coddling anyone if they are still feeding the dumpee breadcrumbs........Of course any dumpee will then pursue more right after a breakup if the dumper says stuff such as "I still like you" "I am going to really miss you" "I will always care for you." Also you can't judge every dumpee, there are many dumpees including myself that wanted to know "why?". Every situation and circumstance is different so you need to not have a 1 sided view

[stillafool]

The "leave me alone" and "you are scaring me" are cop outs. The same girl 24 hours previously told me "you will always have a special place in my heart" "I will always care for you" "if it is meant to be it is meant to be." So was I really scaring someone if they constantly switch what they are saying? It is all BS and selfishness; I was only "scaring" her when she knew I was right........Her being wrong for breaking up with me on the phone/confronting her of her immaturity. I also just think it was an act to try to make me feel bad because she was obviously guilty (always apologizing)

 

"You will always have a place in my heart" , "I will always care for you" and "If it is meant to be if it is meant to be" is not feeding you breadcrumbs. She said those things to be nice and most people would see that and still realize that this person does not want to get back together with them. You didn't get it that she has moved on and that's why she had to stop being nice and tell you the truth that you are "scaring her" and to "leave her alone." It's as clear as the nose on your face that she doesn't want to be bothered anymore. Why can't you just accept the truth and leave her alone?

[YouNeverKnow86]

If you have been in a relationship with someone for a reasonable period of time and you don't know why they dumped you, then your relatioinship was bizarre.

 

Or...you have very poor communication and social skills...as in 'she was a mean, cold bitch' but somehow you didn't recognize this in 3 years together? Or...'he never expressed his feelings so how was I to know he got tired of me as he did with the other 5 partners before me... blah, blah, blah..." Hint most people don't need to be told that a photo of a duck is a duck.

 

More likely, the dumpee chooses to ignore it and then plays the victim when dumped. This doesn't in any way justify someone being insensitive in ending a relationship but please don't play the 'why' card. The 'why' is usually as plain as the nose on your face if you REALLY want to know.

 

The only other alternative is that your partner has some rare split persionality syndrome and woke up one day as a different person.

 

This is why we are having differences over this, my relationship was short and intense (3 months).......The breakup was a complete blindside which I never saw coming. You are talking about long term relationships, which makes sense. I really never got to know her I guess since it was a short term relationship, even though we hung out all the time when we were together.

[YouNeverKnow86]

"You will always have a place in my heart" , "I will always care for you" and "If it is meant to be if it is meant to be" is not feeding you breadcrumbs. She said those things to be nice and most people would see that and still realize that this person does not want to get back together with them. You didn't get it that she has moved on and that's why she had to stop being nice and tell you the truth that you are "scaring her" and to "leave her alone." It's as clear as the nose on your face that she doesn't want to be bothered anymore. Why can't you just accept the truth and leave her alone?

 

And saying "I really miss you" and "I still like you" isn't breadcrumbs? You left those 2 things out of course.

 

Trust me I have left her alone, we haven't spoken in over a month

[stillafool]

No they aren't. It is possible to miss certain things about an ex and saying "I still like you" isn't the same as I'm still in love with you". Good that you have stopped contacting her. If she really does want to come back the ball is in her court now.

[YouNeverKnow86]

No they aren't. It is possible to miss certain things about an ex and saying "I still like you" isn't the same as I'm still in love with you". Good that you have stopped contacting her. If she really does want to come back the ball is in her court now.

 

You are right the ball is in her court. Well we were never in love, it was a short term 3 month long but intense relationship (we hung out all the time). It was a complete blindside breakup, I was just in complete shock when it took place.

[Sugarkane]

Yukon- So is it ok to dump people by text now, or disappear on someone? Is it ok to treat people like ****? We were blindsided with no answers. I asked my ex if there was someone else and he refused to answer. I would've liked to know if I needed an STD test. There's a difference between dumping someone and being a complete as*hole about it.

[NYOrLAGuy]

If you have been in a relationship with someone for a reasonable period of time and you don't know why they dumped you, then your relatioinship was bizarre.

 

Or...you have very poor communication and social skills...as in 'she was a mean, cold bitch' but somehow you didn't recognize this in 3 years together? Or...'he never expressed his feelings so how was I to know he got tired of me as he did with the other 5 partners before me... blah, blah, blah..." Hint most people don't need to be told that a photo of a duck is a duck.

 

More likely, the dumpee chooses to ignore it and then plays the victim when dumped. This doesn't in any way justify someone being insensitive in ending a relationship but please don't play the 'why' card. The 'why' is usually as plain as the nose on your face if you REALLY want to know.

 

The only other alternative is that your partner has some rare split persionality syndrome and woke up one day as a different person.

 

Yukon, I have to disagree with you somewhat. In my case, it really did come out of left field, and our relationship was certainly NOT bizarre. It was the most normal, loving relationship I was ever in. Looking back, I'm sure my ex was thinking about breaking up for a while, but she was a very good actor about it, never letting on, and not for one second did I think there was irrepairable damage happening to our relationship. She was the one with the poor communication skills. When she broke up with me, she actually said "I don't know why." And only a month later after I broke NC did she give me a little bit more saying she was feeling anxious when I was at her house, but even then she "didn't know why" she felt that way, she just did. I can posit it was her daddy issues (pops skipped town early, started a new family, rejected her), her inability commit to anything long-term (hopping from career path to career path, still in school at age 30), but still to this day, I don't know exactly why.

 

Sometimes you can put it on the dumpee to ignore the clear warning signs, as has happened to me in the past even, but in my current case, my ex (was was 6 years younger than me, exhibited a great deal of immaturity in breaking up with me the way she did, with the reasons she gave, but I think maybe it's a little over-generalizing to put it the way you did. All of us here have our own unique sets of circumstances, creating a whole world of gray area when it comes to deciphering the ways and means of the dumpers.

[Kamila]

Well, I'm ignoring my ex by disappearing completely. Also by not responding to his attempts at contacting me. Am I a bad person then ?

 

I don't think so. When the relationship ended, we went our separate ways.

We could have tried the friends card, but nono for me. I had too much feelings for him at that time.

Everytime i felt the urge about replying to some of his messages, I died inside.

I was purging myself from the emotional attachment.

Remember the scene from Brokeback mountain when Enis and Jack separate after their first time being together ?

They all act aloof and distant and when no one is watching Enis breaks down and even starts to sob uncontrollably.

They were having a break-up and it just sank through how much they cared for each other.

 

We try to protect our hearts. How are you supposed to heal if you keep contact with your ex ? Whether you're the dumper or dumpee, it's all the same, the emotional bound has to be severed.

And I dare to say that the dumper feels as much pain as the dumpee. A dumper will also feel intense guilt of leaving the partner.

I still have that image engraved of my ex wanting me back but holding himself. And I didn't act on it ?

Why ? Because the relationship will not work. We both wanted different things in life.

And he, yes he, didn't want to meet me halfway. So it's his fault that he got dumped.

And he knows it very well. He even said that he'll regret his selfish demeanor at that time. But the break-up was not fully operational at that time.

And it's only after that it sank through for him. But too late for me.

I was already extremely hurt by him and had no choice but to leave.

[YouNeverKnow86]

Yukon, I have to disagree with you somewhat. In my case, it really did come out of left field, and our relationship was certainly NOT bizarre. It was the most normal, loving relationship I was ever in. Looking back, I'm sure my ex was thinking about breaking up for a while, but she was a very good actor about it, never letting on, and not for one second did I think there was irrepairable damage happening to our relationship. She was the one with the poor communication skills. When she broke up with me, she actually said "I don't know why." And only a month later after I broke NC did she give me a little bit more saying she was feeling anxious when I was at her house, but even then she "didn't know why" she felt that way, she just did. I can posit it was her daddy issues (pops skipped town early, started a new family, rejected her), her inability commit to anything long-term (hopping from career path to career path, still in school at age 30), but still to this day, I don't know exactly why.

 

Sometimes you can put it on the dumpee to ignore the clear warning signs, as has happened to me in the past even, but in my current case, my ex (was was 6 years younger than me, exhibited a great deal of immaturity in breaking up with me the way she did, with the reasons she gave, but I think maybe it's a little over-generalizing to put it the way you did. All of us here have our own unique sets of circumstances, creating a whole world of gray area when it comes to deciphering the ways and means of the dumpers.

 

NyorLAguy,

 

I got the same "I don't know" breakup reason initially as well. I only got the other reasons later on after she had some time to think about it. Honestly what is I don't know? This is why the reasons a lot of the dumpers give is crap and I really do believe a lot of them do lie. My ex gf too was young (22) and she has transfered out of 2 colleges and is currently at her 3rd (similar to your career jumping ex gf). She too never communicated her true real feelings to me and thus I always thought everything was fine. It was when I felt something was wrong I brought it up and that was when she blindsided me. It took me 10 minutes to get it out of her too!

[NYOrLAGuy]

NyorLAguy,

 

I got the same "I don't know" breakup reason initially as well. I only got the other reasons later on after she had some time to think about it. Honestly what is I don't know? This is why the reasons a lot of the dumpers give is crap and I really do believe a lot of them do lie. My ex gf too was young (22) and she has transfered out of 2 colleges and is currently at her 3rd (similar to your career jumping ex gf). She too never communicated her true real feelings to me and thus I always thought everything was fine. It was when I felt something was wrong I brought it up and that was when she blindsided me. It took me 10 minutes to get it out of her too!

 

YNK86,

 

At least in your case I think 22 is young enough that some immaturity/unsureness is to be expected. I guess I can say that because I'm 36! You think someone by 30 would be a little past that, but who knows. Sounds like our ex ladies are a lot alike... I also used to feel like I was pulling teeth when talking to her. She'd often stare at me like she was choosing her words so very carefully (which she later admitted was because she didn't want to hurt my feelings about things... it's true I can be oversensitive)

 

That being said, I don't think she was lying. Maybe she's figured it out, or rationalized it to herself by now, but I think at the time she honestly didn't know. She just had an overwhelming feeling that we weren't meant for each other long term, and for whatever reason couldn't/wouldn't/was too scared to confront the reasons why she felt that way. I think she bailed a little early, as I wanted to show her I could be a better man off drugs (and I'm still going on 6 months sober from pot) but she couldn't deal. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she did lie, maybe yours did, who knows, but I think I know/knew my ex better than that. I hope so at least.

[NYOrLAGuy]

It's amusing the way some of you slam on your ex yet wonder why they dumped you.

 

MM,

 

I don't know if you're specifically referring to me or not, but I wanted to put it out there that I'm not slamming my ex in any way. I still love the woman. I just struggle with understanding why our relationship came to an end. She was never mean to me, never spiteful, and although I did get a "please leave me alone" text, it was only because I was breaking NC every couple of months to try and get a convo going again. I never begged, was never overbearing, but I needed it to come to a head or else I would have kept at it (and still might for her bday next april, but boy a lot can happen in 5 months-to us both). I understand my role in her saying that, and don't hold it against her one bit for saying it.

 

I think after being on this forum for about a month or so, it's what I feel makes my situation unique from other dumpees here. You always hear, "take what you learned in this situation and apply it to the next." Well, I always felt, and still do, that all my previous relationships were ones leading me to her. I feel I played my part well. I was the best bf she ever had (she said so).

 

So my problem has always lied in the fact that I don't know what to take from this experience to apply to the next. This was supposed to be the happily ever after for me. But I digress. I guess my point is that you no matter what I say on these forums, you won't ever find me say a bad word about my ex. She made what I feel is the wrong decision, but I need to leave it in her hands as to whether or not she'll ever come to the same conclusion.

[Sugarkane]

The proper way for the dumper to handle a breakup is to be respectful to the dumpee and be there for them in time of need. When I broke up with my ex girlfriend a few years ago I was always there for her when she called/texted me after the breakup. Now I never initiated contact and not once did I give her false hope but I helped her get through the breakup. I didn't ignore her, become cold/distant or say mean disrespectful things to her. Now to this day we are on talking terms and in fact she returned the favor and was there for me with my current breakup. I always say do unto others as you would want done to yourself.

 

My current ex dumper was there for me a little bit but at the same time did all the wrong things (ignored me/cold and distant/saying disrespectful things). I don't buy the whole "they do this as an act of kindness" bit. These dumpers do whatever they have to do in order to heal themselves and move on from the situation. It is a selfish act on their part, you can't tell me these people go cold/distant as an act of kindess for the dumpee. I believe if you truly cared for someone you will be there for them in time of need, this is the responsibility of the dumper.

 

I completely agree with you. There's a difference between rejecting someone with dignity and being a downright as*hole about it. If someone is a downright as*hole about it and that's how they treat people, I'd NEVER want to date them. As a result I'll never be friends with my ex in the future. I hope he reaps what he sows.

[immitable]

One of the reasons might be that your ex is seeing someone else secretly (well, in most cases)

 

 

The reason my ex was avoiding meeting face to face was that she was secretly seeing her boss who btw is married and got a baby in april. She is dumb and thinks he is the man of her life.

I noticed signs during the relationship with her that she was attracted to him. As she found out that he didn't get promoted and that he is going to move to another country with his family, she was devasted. So she had time only until september when he actually moved. He was making promisses that he is going to take her too (at that time she made it sound like: he is good to all his coworkers and that he has plans to form a new unit in his country and take all his favorite employees with him) bs.

 

I haven't seen her since, NC the whole time.

 

She knew when she broke up with me that she is going to regret it and tried by acting angry at me to mask that.

 

If she met with me I would pry all the answers out of her or at least make myself certain about what is going on.

 

So dumpers feelings or no feelings (if they care or not) is a different story, I think most of them just want to do it now and deal with the consequences later.

[Sugarkane]

Immitable- Unfortunately you're right. Bloody painful for the dumpee that's for sure.