An Unlabeled Relationship

[Norse]

We've been labeled "single" for a month and a half now. We're coming up on what would have been the 1 year mark. A milestone for a relationship in my life. Anyway the problem, I didn't give the space she wanted before, and I would attempt to guilt her into spending time with me saying things like "why don't you have as much time for me as you do your friends?" After enough of these upsetting scenarios she decided it was too much stress. Perhaps she got tired of forgiving me only to see me guilt her again.

 

Anyway I've suffered every day with my bad choices and have slipped into depression. I have made great strides at changing my outlook on things with her. I've stopped complaining when she hangs out with her friends, or whatever activities she wants to do. In fact I welcome them because she enjoys herself. Clearly you can't pressure or guilt anyone into anything. I finally understand. We haven't had a whole lot of scenarios where she could hang out with friends, she pointed that out too, so she hasn't had much ability to see I've changed.

 

So things are going good we're just like a relationship minus the label, we tell each other we love one another, she comes to see me, we go on dates, but in front of her friends/family we're just friends. She said it would be a hard decision if she wants to give me another chance. Finally the other night I asked her the reasons. She said: 1. How do I know you'll stay this way? How do I know if I go back to you that you wont do this again? 2. I'm not sure what others will think of me if I go back to you.

 

So I'm wondering how do I fix those reasons?

Edited November 21, 2011 by Norse

[fallenenvy]

Im not sure YOU can change those reasons.

 

If you try, she may see it as being pressured again.

 

The way i see it you can do one of two things.

 

Give her time and DO NOT push the issue. If she decides to put the label back in place.. she will. That being said you need to come to terms with the fact that a label isn't everything. You guys do what you do regardless of being called "bf and gf".

 

You can explore other options which im assuming you don't want to do from your post. If you arn't exclusive with a title.. well... then you can really be doing what you want.

 

From my own experiences the label can be a scary thing when you arn't sure. My bf hurt me deeply and then came back into my life years later. Although i "did bf gf things with him" i kept saying no when he wanted to label us... even though i had already let him in i felt that if i verbally confirmed it i would get hurt again. Perhaps she feels something similar. Shes afraid that if she says it you will have gotten what you wanted and revert back to your old ways....as a person truly changing seems to be rather rare.

 

Anyway, don't push her on it or you may push her away. If you have changed... then keep it up.. encourage her to go out with her friends and keep doing what you are doing that is currently making her happy.

 

Good luck to you.

[Norse]

Well the label helps for two reasons, the first being the most important. We can't get married unless we have this label first, that was something we had planned out. The second which probably isn't that important, other guys are trying to talk to her, but she has no interest in them.

 

She told me I have more than a 50/50 chance of getting back together with her.

 

I think her friends/family will come around in time. It's just a matter of her seeing it. She found out that her father isn't saying anything about the whole situation because he's afraid of pushing her away. But her grandfather really hates me, and some of her co-workers were saying bad things about me she found out but she said she doesn't agree with any of what they said.

 

I'm not sure if she'll get over the opinions of friends/family.