lynne76 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Are there other xOW out there whose xMM did not divulge the A to their W? How do you as the xOW feel about that? I see on a number of threads here that most As seem to have a D-day. If yours didn't, why not? Do you think that is for the best for everyone involved? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 In the past I had multiple affairs with married men. Not one of the affairs ever had a D-Day. I'm a different person now - but at the time I would have Flipped Out that a MM had not used the discretion required to protect my privacy. I would have thought he was an idiot. Actually, that part hasnt changed. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 In the past I had multiple affairs with married men. Not one of the affairs ever had a D-Day. I'm a different person now - but at the time I would have Flipped Out that a MM had not used the discretion required to protect my privacy. I would have thought he was an idiot. Actually, that part hasnt changed. how would ou have felt if his wife did find out he was cheating, but he was careful not to divulge that it was with you? i do agree with the previous poster that if a guy ( or woman) can maintain his/her marriage i such a condition that his/her spouse never suspects an affair (especially if it's a long term one) the there must some really amazing compartmentalizing going on. This would also lead me to believe that their marriage is probably in pretty decent shape ( at least from his spouses point of view) and that things are probably no where near as bad as he may be letting o. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 My xMM was caught but he has thoroughly, successfully, and proudly convinced his W that he did not cheat on her. The last issue he relayed to me about the A was her coming to him and saying “I believe you”. So, I consider him as pretty much getting off scot-free. At first it bothered me that he wouldn’t pay any consequences, but then I thought why the hell should it. Because I felt slighted at times so this was sorta a payback in my mind? Useless…For more than 3yrs W wasn’t suspicious because nothing really changed with him/them. Even when W got suspicious he would just calmly and with conviction explain (lie) it away (sometimes with her help). As MM once told me the strategy is to “deny, deny, deny”. It took him 7yrs before he got “caught” and 9mos to convince her that he was innocent. My point is if there is no dday there was either or a combination of no suspicion, he is a skilled liar, W isn’t pursuing it, and/or luck. Is no dday best for everyone? I don’t know. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 D-day really makes you reflect. I think without it you don't see the big picture. You truly analyze ever aspect and change your outlook. Not only on the situation but life itself. D-day's are helpful as far as I'm concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Nothing happened that can equate to a d-day in the classic sense. But the BS on at least two occasions mentioned something to xMM who was very economical with the details. He told me once that if she ever found out she'd leave him. I do know from by the reaction of a W of one of his friends that BS suspected more than he let on because she made a couple of comments to me and to him (in my presence) about us. But at that point, we had ended the A 3 years before that. I thought for a long time that it was best there never was a d-day. Since joining LS, I have changed my mind. D-days IMO force people to be honest, or at least they present a chance for the truth to be revealed. If BS had contacted me to ask, I'd have definitely told her. I feel that it would have simplified things for the future ( now). Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 My xMM was caught but he has thoroughly, successfully, and proudly convinced his W that he did not cheat on her. The last issue he relayed to me about the A was her coming to him and saying “I believe you”. So, I consider him as pretty much getting off scot-free. At first it bothered me that he wouldn’t pay any consequences, but then I thought why the hell should it. Because I felt slighted at times so this was sorta a payback in my mind? Useless…For more than 3yrs W wasn’t suspicious because nothing really changed with him/them. Even when W got suspicious he would just calmly and with conviction explain (lie) it away (sometimes with her help). As MM once told me the strategy is to “deny, deny, deny”. It took him 7yrs before he got “caught” and 9mos to convince her that he was innocent. My point is if there is no dday there was either or a combination of no suspicion, he is a skilled liar, W isn’t pursuing it, and/or luck. Is no dday best for everyone? I don’t know. Skylarblue His wife must feel like she is losing her mind. He is a real piece of work. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I have no idea if a dday happened between them that I was just not a part of. However, there was none that I was privy to, as in there was no confrontation between her and me or him throwing me under the bus and telling me she found out. I don't know if it was best or not, as I really have no idea if she found out but I was just never told that she did or what. They weren't married and they are no longer together from what I gather. I really have no clue how or why they broke up and if that played into it or not, so cannot really compare how a dday or no dday would have been better. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Several ddays here... I think dday was "good" for me since my rose colored glasses were crushed under the bus tires and allowed me to see his true colors in full 1080p high definition...had dday not happened I'd still be hypnotized by his web of lies and empty promises...I garuntee it...dday has "forced" me to look deep inside for a better me...strangely enough my first reaction when dday happened was not "omg whats going to happen to us", my first reaction was what an epic idiot he was for not deleting his emails"...not sure what that says about me...maybe selfish because I didn't want to deal with the drama...anyway... I think dday was good for her because it allowed her to make a choice and know who she was married to...and end the craziness...she was going crazy searching...I guess xMM wasn't too good a compartmentalizing or deleting emails... Now...all that said...dday has still been BAD BAD BAD for me...I'm 4 months out from NC and BS is still pestering me by email...and for that reason I wish dday hadn't happened... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lynne76 Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 @ladygrey -- I knew the thread I posted would raise eyebrows, but honestly I am not advocating for a Dday between my xMM and his W. Not at all. I'm staying 100% out of their relationship and his relationship with her. That is what NC is all about, right? I guess I am just curious about how these things pan out in the long run. I'm not waiting to be chosen by default or anything like that...I'm just trying to wrap my head around marriage, around vows and commitment and infidelity, and about affairs and what people *think* is the best course of action...those things. I'm just trying to understand it from all perspectives. There is a lot on LS about Ddays but not that much (or I haven't seen it) about OW who withdraw in order to let the marriage take, or re-take its course. And I saw on a thread the other day about many people feel here that a marriage isn't "truthful" if one of the partners deceives them without the other's knowledge. I guess that is what I am curious about...my xMM didn't want to tell his W because he was sure that she would leave him, and because he didn't want her to feel pain, or to be alone like he saw I was...and for a host of other reasons of course (love being the most important one and the one at the base of everything), but sometimes that stance confused me, because he was still keeping her in a marriage she didn't agree to - a marriage with infidelity. I'm not going to tell her, and I will likely NEVER know if he tells her or not (my hunch is he won't) but I was just curious how other xOW felt about it all. It's just human curiousity in me to raise this topic, nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Lynne...I guess what I was trying to say was...If you "force" a dday...it's likely not to turn out in your favor and you may have a bunny boiler BS on your hands as I do... Also...you may find this helpful...I'm a M OW...my H has no idea of my fA...our M was not real strong to begin with so I really didn't show that much change in my behavior I guess...xMM's BS started snooping right away...maybe your xMM and his BW have a similar "non-caring" M...that's why she didn't catch-on...or maybe he's a stellar liar...or maybe he's a super compartmentalizer...or maybe anything that just doesn't matter in your life now...it's time to take care if you and realize you didn't really want someone with all those lovely qualities anyway... Now...I don't plan to disclose to my H because it would really serve no purpose because our M is doomed anyway and I don't want to R...but if I were planning to R I think I would definitely have to disclose...it eats me now with no plans to R so I know there would be NO CHANCE of R without discloser...your xMM is R without disclosure and if that works our for him...he's got some other dark qualities you don't want in your man either... Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 He is a real piece of work. He's certainly comfortable with psychologically abusing her. Ick. Out of all my xMMs, only one of them had a d-day that directly affected me. Awkward. A couple of xMMs did get caught out later on. I didn't have anything to do with it though. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I find it interesting that some are saying if there was never a d-day then the marriage had to be going pretty well to avoid it. While this may be true in some cases, couldn't the argument also be made that the BS either didn't want to believe it so didn't really investigate it, or perhaps the BS did confront and believed the lies told by MM...either because he is a skilled liar and/or because again the BS doesn't want to believe it so she chose to accept the excuses? I'm sure there are some of all cases and the mix in between, but to make a blanket statement that the marriage had to be well sustained, or that the MM is a master of compartmentalization, is a bit narrow in thought IMO. Exactly what I was thinking!! Although xMM was a liar, I do believe that he cheated on her as much as he eluded to, and for her not to ever know or leave him, leads me to believe the above - some people just turn a blind eye because dealing with the reality is a lot harder. As for me, we never had a Dday and I never wanted one. Most of the time I do think that the BS deserves to know, but in this case, I really suspect that she must have had an inkling. No one can get cheated on so much and not even suspect - so in this case, I don't think a Dday would have helped her anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveTKO Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 how would ou have felt if his wife did find out he was cheating, but he was careful not to divulge that it was with you? i do agree with the previous poster that if a guy ( or woman) can maintain his/her marriage i such a condition that his/her spouse never suspects an affair (especially if it's a long term one) the there must some really amazing compartmentalizing going on. This would also lead me to believe that their marriage is probably in pretty decent shape ( at least from his spouses point of view) and that things are probably no where near as bad as he may be letting o. This is so true and it also applies to marriages that never really had this passionate connection to begin with. In other words, if the main focus was on settling down, starting family, building a financial nest egg, allowing the spouses to kind of live their own life so to speak, it is a lot easier to sneak behind your partner's back in order to quench that newly discovered middle age sex drive that your spouse just can't fulfill. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 how would ou have felt if his wife did find out he was cheating, but he was careful not to divulge that it was with you? Because I have changed so much since then...I have to remember how I was thinking at the time , but I know that for me...it was important that the wife and even the idea of the wife - not be something I thought about too much. If there were a D-Day and it was revealed to me by MM that would have made her more real to me even if she didnt know who I was exactly. I couldnt take that kind of scrutiny..I couldnt scrutinize myself to that degree. I would have broke it off. Several times with MMen I inadvertently found out more about their wives and broke it off almost immediately. Its often just as important for OW to compartmentalize in an affair. Thinking about long affairs with no D-Day, at least in my case....these men were very good at not getting caught. At explaining away suspicions. As with any skill someone perfects...it usually comes with practice. Link to post Share on other sites
18Years2Late Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 What I was trying to say was that if the M is strong/intimate/loving and the BS does care (I.e. Doesn't turn a blind eye out of some presumed fear)...she starts questioning/investigating much sooner...as happen in my case...JMO... Link to post Share on other sites
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