Is this disfunctional? read

[ANK2415]

My ex-fiance is 34. I'm 25. We have dated for a little over a year. We got engaged at the one-year mark in August after 8 weeks of pre-marital counseling. We met online.

 

Overall, things have been wonderful. We both want the same things (marriage, a few children in a couple years, frugal living, etc.) Our pre-marital counselors have encouraged our relationship and believe we are on the right path.

 

But now I'm beginning to wonder if my fiance is all talk and no action. He has expressed his desire to be the provider. Now I'm doubting if ever can be.

 

Things have been going downhill the last few months. He was laid off from a well-paying corporate job in June (he is in the engineering field). He was making about $70k plus great benefits in an entry-level position. He was devastated but also hated his job in the cubicle and the 60+ hour weeks. He promptly moved back in with his parents. He is much happier and obviously less stressed being out of the corporate rat race. He says he never wants to "work for the man" again. (Ummm... somehow millions of Americans do it, including me...)

 

Now, he lived with his parents when I met him a year ago. He had been living with them for about 6 months. He says he is trying to "pay down debt." He has about $22k in student loan debt (not bad considering he has 3 degrees). His prior living situations involved living with an ex-girlfriend for 6 years (shared rent) and living independently on student loans or paying rent in various apartment, off and on.

 

I feel this amount of debt is no justification for an adult man to move back in with one's parents at the age of 34. I also don't believe that a layoff is justification to move back in with parents, either. He has unemployment (almost $500 a week), a military pension ($950 a month) and VA health insurance. We live in Dallas where the cost of living is relatively low. He could easily find a super-cheap studio apartment for $450 a month (I know because I live in one.) He could even find a roommate and live for under $400 a month.

 

I make barely more than he does with his unemployment and pension. I make about $32-$35k. Somehow, I am still managing to pay off my student loan debt ($12k) and have plenty left over for rent, cable, cell phone, eating out, shopping and even traveling.

 

He says that if we ever have children, it's perfectly acceptable for adult children to live with us. I think this is WHACK... I believe grown adults should only live with their parents in DIRE circumstances...being bed-ridden from cancer and needing 24/7 medical attention, becoming physically disabled and truly unable to work, etc. Or having $300k in medical debt, something awful like that... Paying down self-inflicted student loan debt in the double-digits is NOT a reason to live with parents.

 

Please understand that my boyfriend's mother is Korean. My boyfriend is fully an American citizen, born and raised here. My boyfriend's dad is white-bread America. I'm not familiar with the Korean culture... but I believe it's perfectly normal for an adult man to live with his parents if not married. I believe it is disfunctional for an adult man in his 30's to live with his parents for more than a few months. Myself, I'm a female, but living with my parents would NOT be an option. I hustle, scrounge and save. I live in a cheap apartment and drive an 11-year-old car. I shop at the Dollar Store. I even donated my eggs twice to help pay student loans down. I feel that my moving in with his parents, he has given up.

 

His 31 year old brother also lives at home. He is mildly mentally retarded but in my opinion should be out on his own with some monitoring - he has a driver's license, full-time job with decent pay, car, credit cards, etc.

 

His layoff and subsequent living with his parents has greatly strained our relationship. I ended our engagement lost month. In the meantime, he is working to start a business and searching for new jobs.

 

He has been in and out of careers, jobs and schools for the past 15 years. it took him TEN years to get a bachelor's degree... he went through three different colleges in three different states before he finished. He has been a cop, in the navy, medical admissions rep, personal trainer, waiter, physical therapist wannabe, wannabe teacher, wannabe doctor, civil engineer, now he is trying to start a distillery. I believe man in his mid-30's should be settled in a career. This is just my opinion. I'm worried that he will never be able to find something long-term and will always be a "job-hopper" incapable of working.

 

I believe he needs 18+ solid months of employment (with the same company) before we even consider marriage.

 

Thoughts?

Edited November 21, 2011 by ANK2415

[norajane]

I think you've lost respect for him. Once that is gone, everything else crumbles. You can't be in love with someone you do not respect, not the real kind of love that lasts.

 

I don't think him getting a job and keeping it will make much difference. You start off by saying that you want the same things, but you really don't want those things in the same way he does. His views are actually quite different from yours.

 

At 34, well, he is who he is. You've got a very good view of the kind of man he will be in the future...same as he is now. If you wish he were different than he is now, he is not the man for you. People don't change that much. And I'm sure you don't want to be raising children together since he will be such a huge influence on them...unless you want to teach them that his lifestyle choices are perfectly fine (because that is what your kids will learn...learning from his example).