Mwhite Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I have made the worst mistake of my life.. I have been happily married for 8 years to my soul mate and we have two beautiful kids. We haven't even got into a fight in 5 yrs until recently.. About 5 yrs ago we were going through a bad time and I had a male friend who helped me through it. Well, I hadnt spoke to h in years but I heard he was going through an awful divorce so I made a mistake to email him and see how he was doing. This escalated to about 6 weeks worth of emails and some were flirty and some were not but he did ask me if I could get out of the house and I laughed it off like 'I would like too but with two kids and I'm a stay at home mom yah right', eventhough I never had any real intentions of doing anything. Well, about a month ago an outside source illegally got into this guys account and this same person works with my husband and gave him all of the emails and also lies saying there were naked pics of meaner to him. That's is absolutely NOT true. (they had no problem giving him emails but can't show him pics to verify) I think I was just flattered that someone other than my husband thought I was attractive and so I flirted back.. Nothing emotional, no meetings, just all email. This outside source works with my husband so now everyone at his work knows about this and I am horrified! When it comes down to it, it was only emails and they have read them and found no evidence of me physically cheating but my husband thinks he wants a divorce. This was a big mistake I can't take back but I don't think it is bad enough for a divorce. What do you think and what can I do to save my marriage? I love him and my family with all my heart:( Link to post Share on other sites
MikeT4 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 I'm not as expert as some here, but, I know how much an emotional affair hurts. I didn't leave my wife, but, she could have helped me recover. If she had told me she was remorseful, and meant it would have helped. Also, don't try to blame him for causing you to do it. If you have had any other type of contact, like texts or phonecalls, tell him about those too. After you see things on the mend then work on the reasons why you let it happen. And never contact this OM again. Link to post Share on other sites
Severely Unamused Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Your husband considers this to be emotional cheating and a large enough offense for divorce, and that's what counts. Certainly you are free to disagree with him but that won't stop him from divorcing you. Have you told him everything that you have typed up on LS? Link to post Share on other sites
MarriedTex Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I have made the worst mistake of my life.. I have been happily married for 8 years to my soul mate and we have two beautiful kids. We haven't even got into a fight in 5 yrs until recently.. About 5 yrs ago we were going through a bad time and I had a male friend who helped me through it. Well, I hadnt spoke to h in years but I heard he was going through an awful divorce so I made a mistake to email him and see how he was doing. This escalated to about 6 weeks worth of emails and some were flirty and some were not but he did ask me if I could get out of the house and I laughed it off like 'I would like too but with two kids and I'm a stay at home mom yah right', eventhough I never had any real intentions of doing anything. Well, about a month ago an outside source illegally got into this guys account and this same person works with my husband and gave him all of the emails and also lies saying there were naked pics of meaner to him. That's is absolutely NOT true. (they had no problem giving him emails but can't show him pics to verify) I think I was just flattered that someone other than my husband thought I was attractive and so I flirted back.. Nothing emotional, no meetings, just all email. This outside source works with my husband so now everyone at his work knows about this and I am horrified! When it comes down to it, it was only emails and they have read them and found no evidence of me physically cheating but my husband thinks he wants a divorce. This was a big mistake I can't take back but I don't think it is bad enough for a divorce. What do you think and what can I do to save my marriage? I love him and my family with all my heart:( There's some level of truth behind every joke. Your husband knows this. You didn't dismiss the offer by saying you were hopelessly in love with your soul mate. You basically said that you'd spread your legs for him if you didn't have those pesky kids around. Yes, you liked the attention and weren't going to divert it by totally dismissing the proposition out of hand. If you can't talk openly with your spouse about some of these e-mails and you carried on these e-mails for six weeks, you pretty much engaged in an emotional affair. So, I'd offer extreme mea culpas and beg him to do marriage counseling so that he can have his say. You hurt him deeply. If you want to stay married, find a way to take the medicine. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 The means of communication (email) isn't meaningful. The thoughts exchanged (flirtation, joking about meeting up) ARE! How would you feel if your H had similar exchanges with an old friend, in particular one who he had leaned on when you were having troubles, and was now going through a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mwhite Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Thanks to all who replied.. Husband has all the messages there was no other means of communication. Also, it's hard for me To consider it emotional when there was no talks of care or love for each other. I did say it was nice to talk to him after so long but most of the conversations were of family and day to day stuff. I also did tell the OM that I was really happy with my husband and family and that we were great together. Husband has also seen all of those messages. I think the way he was given these emails (a co-worker) probably is influencing his decision more than anything. We are still together for now and I am literally doing everything to show him how much I love him and how sorry I am, but I don't know how much longer we have together. I did like the attention and that's why I just laughed off the getting out comment. Stupid to think of it like that now.. I just want things to go back where they were.. Link to post Share on other sites
MikeT4 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 it's hard for me To consider it emotional when there was no talks of care or love for each other. [/b]This part is emotional[/b]I did like the attention and that's why I just laughed off the getting out comment. Stupid to think of it like that now.. I just want things to go back where they were.. It may not be logical for your husband to feel like he does, but, he does. You should keep doing what you are doing. My wife's affection always works on me. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 What troubles me is why did your H's co-worker track down these emails? Why should he be so interested in this other man's email account? Do they know each other? Was he doing it on behalf of your husband who had expressed concerns about your friend? It just strikes me as a bit too much to be a coincidence. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mwhite Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 My husband is a police officer and the OM is going through a child custody case and his soon to be ex-wife had made accusations against him which sparked the pd to look into his personal info and they Supposively stumbled upon our emails... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mwhite Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Which they did illegally btw.. They did not get a subpoena or anything. Just hacked into our accts. So eventhough they are all talking about me, I can't say anything to anyone like show me the pics that are Supposively or me because they aren't suppose to exist and my husband could get into trouble for not turning in co-worker who illegally hacked into both of our accounts!! Plus he won't tell me who did it anyway.. What a mess! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 And if he's a copper he should know someone when they are lying or not (you). You would think so but actually there have been studies which show that they are not much/no better than the rest of us in detecting lies. http://highwire.stanford.edu/cgi/medline/pmid;20229908 http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~rja14/shb10/frank2.pdf Whilst this study suggests they do OK but with no evidence to support that they can detect lies by their romantic partner better than the rest of us http://eprints.libr.port.ac.uk/archive/00000023/01/SAMJAP.pdf Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Which they did illegally btw.. They did not get a subpoena or anything. Just hacked into our accts. So eventhough they are all talking about me, I can't say anything to anyone like show me the pics that are Supposively or me because they aren't suppose to exist and my husband could get into trouble for not turning in co-worker who illegally hacked into both of our accounts!! Plus he won't tell me who did it anyway.. What a mess! Mwhite, I work in the same field as your hubby. I can see both sides of this issue because in some odd way I can relate to them both. My wife didn't show me a great deal of initiated intimacy for a number of years. She was always loving but seemed like sex was a take it or leave it issue and I read that for years as her not caring at some level. About three years ago a very attractive female whom I've known for a number of years who is only distantly acquainted with my wife began hitting on me. She flirted with me ongoingly for several months after she divorced, even telling me she'd been sexless for over two years. The communication was by phone, emails, or voice mails. Her flirtations were very inviting and I say that because I'm being honest. I felt at the time like here's a woman who is interested in me physically and is putting it out there for me to jump on (no pun intended). How I resisted I don't know because I felt very overlooked at home in the sex category and this was fulfilling a need that I had longed for. My point is that while I didn't try to stop this woman (because in some strange way I appreciated it and felt desired) I didn't encourage it either. I loved my wife at the time despite my frustration that she didn't need anything physical from me. Was I guilty of letting this go on? Probably. I could have said to her, I'm not interested. But it never amounted to anything and we're still friends today and she's recently moved on and become engaged to someone else. My wife also has come around and has realized that she took me for granted and has since really worked hard to be a good physical partner. Without knowing the precise wording you and this other guy went back and forth with in your conversations I can only throw out a subjective opinion. I think your husband has a right to feel the way that he does. Affairs to me are physical. So it may not have been an affair per se but it wasn't appropriate either. You experienced what I experienced to some degree I'm sure . . . . that all important feeling of someone else desiring you. While it was always flattering for me, I know that I would have shut the other woman's flirtatiousness down right away had my wife shown more physical / sexual interest at the time that this was going on. Perhaps you desired this for the same reasons I needed it at the time. I don't know. I do know that I can understand why your husband feels the way that he feels. I'm sure it feels like betrayal and now he's wondering if you've done this with other men and if you have an entire secret life on the side that he's unaware of. You need to reassure him of how you feel about him and why you think that you got caught up in these emails . . . that it felt good and even though it was wrong, you didn't do anything more than enjoy the flattery. I hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 You would think so but actually there have been studies which show that they are not much/no better than the rest of us in detecting lies. http://highwire.stanford.edu/cgi/medline/pmid;20229908 http://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~rja14/shb10/frank2.pdf Whilst this study suggests they do OK but with no evidence to support that they can detect lies by their romantic partner better than the rest of us http://eprints.libr.port.ac.uk/archive/00000023/01/SAMJAP.pdf I think all people have a built-in deception detector but cops clearly have a better radar at picking up on lies, falsities, deception. With that said, I don't know that cops (myself included) are much better when it comes to our spouses. We're too close and there's too much romantic / intimacy history and we can lose our objectivity real quickly. I did pick up on my ex wife cheating on me and I believe that was a combination of good police sense and putting together some behaviors that were outside her norm. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 You should seek legal advice from a lawyer, not from this forum. Yeah, there's a great idea. Get a lawyer involved. NOT!!! You and your husband have eight years together. Figure it out together. Lawyers typically serve their own needs and their own pocketbooks. Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 Yeah, there's a great idea. Get a lawyer involved. NOT!!! You and your husband have eight years together. Figure it out together. Lawyers typically serve their own needs and their own pocketbooks. BK - I wonder if Edna is referring to the hacking of the email accounts. A lawyer could advise on that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
The Blue Knight Posted November 24, 2011 Share Posted November 24, 2011 BK - I wonder if Edna is referring to the hacking of the email accounts. A lawyer could advise on that situation. I'm not saying that something isn't amiss in what they did fish. But does this gal want to risk her husband being investigated and maybe suspended or terminated? I doubt that he's willing to risk getting a brother officer in trouble or wanting him investigated. I don't think that's going to help her marriage situation very much and she doesn't seem interested in heading down that road to more pain and suffering. The point is, it's out now and she just has to deal with it. Exposing someone who hacked the account isn't going to put this problem back in the can so to speak. I have no great love for lawyers. They do what they need to do to typically best their own situation. Just look at Washington DC. Most of our senators and representatives are lawyers and that's a mess we may never recover from. Link to post Share on other sites
donaldpeter58 Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 They did not get a subpoena or anything. Just hacked into our accts. So eventhough they are all talking about me, I can't say anything to anyone like show me the pics that are Supposively or me because they aren't suppose to exist and my husband could get into trouble for not turning in co-worker who illegally hacked into both of our accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 What everybody else thinks about your husband s feelings doesn't matter... all that matters is what he thinks and feels, and he is angry about the emails. If he hadn't fond out about them, what do you think would have happened? It sounds like the guy you were emailing was testing the waters to see if you may have considered more than just emails, and it doesn't sound like you really rebuffed him. While you may have considered it just joking around, maybe there was more to it in his mind, and your husband sees that and it bothers him that you didn't cut off contact once that suggestion was made. I don't know a lot about email hacking, but I do know that most web based emails ( gmail, hotmail, yahoo, etc.) are very difficult to "hack" ( mind you, there are hacker programs out there) but they can be shred with law enforcement agencies provided that the proper legal procedures are followed. I would assume the same is true for most ISP based emails ( sympatico, etc.). if proper legal procedures are followed, it's much easier to obtain the emails than by hacking. If it's emails sent on his employers system, then from what I understand he has zero expectation of privacy for personal emails. Besides, if they were illegally hacking this guys email accounts, that would make no sense, as wouldn't any information obtained that way be unusable should charges be brought against the guy based upon what's in his emails? (i could be very wrong about all of that mind you) when it come right down to it, which is more important, that your husband is angry about the emails or how he obtained them? Link to post Share on other sites
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