My ex is cheating on me with the neighbor's tractor

[dyermaker]

Sorry about the title, I didn't really have one, and I couldn't resist.

 

I'll assume you know my story. I just get to do that, I guess.

 

We've been talking less and less lately, but there's no problems in our relationship--it's just been a matter of strict schedules, technological issues, and stuff with our families. We're still in Love, we still care about each other.

 

Part of our plan is to go to a certain university that we've been VERY interested in, or so I thought. We had every intention of going there. It was like, part of the plan. I've been playing it up to my family, so much so that we're spending a CRAP load of money to go there this summer, so that I can visit the campus. Now, I casually pry for reassurance that that's where SHE wants to go--and it turns out, she doesn't. She's not interested in it.

 

She wants to go to a certain, completely opposite University in New York City. Despite the fact that I'm on track to go somewhere else, I have the following things against it:

 

+ I don't like the school.

+ I don't like the city. I can't function in New York. It's too much for me.

+ I'm not interested in the academic strengths of that school.

+ It lacks the religious education I could get at the *other* school.

 

Now I'm stuck. I know she's most important to me, but I'm pretty screwed. I wish we could talk more about it, but I wanted to hear stuff from you first.

[BlockHead]

dyermaker

If you have that many problems with the university, then don’t go there. You are responsible for your life, and for the decisions you make.

Now I'm stuck. I know she's most important to me, but I'm pretty screwed.

Imagine getting dumped after the first semester. You’d be truly screwed.

 

Your romance seems like something out of Shakespeare. I wouldn’t bet on a happy ending.

[bluechocolate]

I know she's most important to me, but I'm pretty screwed.

 

Just maybe she's making the right decision for her based on what she wants out of her further education & you should do the same. Could it be that

 

+ she likes the school?

+ she likes the idea of living in NYC & thinks she could thrive there?

+ she is interested in the academic strengths of that school?

+ and she's not as interested in the religious education she could get at the *other* school?

 

If either one of you compromises on such important life choices then your relationship will fail regardless.

[moimeme]

Bluechocolate is absolutely right. It certainly seems she is making her decision based on what she wants out of life and you must do the same. The time to agonize about giving up something you want for the sake of your beloved is when you're married. Prior to that, you must act in these circumstances as a free agent.

[dyermaker]

I'm not a free agent. Perhaps it's difficult to explain.

[moimeme]

I know you're not. But you must act as if you are, because she is.

[brashgal]

My son is going through similar agony. He and his beloved were separated by 2000 miles this year - luckily her parents are fairly well off financially so she came home at least once a month and thank goodness for email and AIM. She decided the big city was not for her either, she'll be attending an in state university this year (BUT not the one they agreed upon earlier this year). My son's grades are not good enough to attend the school she'll be attending, he has applied to the originally planned school as well but also talks about attending community college in the city she'll be in so they'll be together.

 

I try not to get too stressed about it. I told him I'm concerned about him possibly sacrificing his education at the expense of hers (the school they originally agreed upon has a great program that he is interested, he has many friends there, I think it would be a good fit). He knows NOONE other than his gf at the school she'll be attending. He did tell me the other day that if he is accepted to the orig school, he'll go there - they will only be 2 hours apart and can see each other on weekends. I just wish he would look into other options but I can only suggest so much.

 

You may dislike NYC but is there anywhere you might consider attending within a few hours of where she wants to go? There are many lovely schools in central NY, NJ, CT...plus you still have a couple years, right? She's changed her mind once in the last year or so, she could conceivably change it again.

 

Good luck Dyer - it's a tough decision...