Sali's Issue

[SGA]

I have been through the same thing.

 

My bf had a gf back in UK, he used to talk to her everyday when he came to Singapore, then he met me and started going out with me. She used to call him on his cell phone and he would tell me it is just his friend. I believed him.

 

Later on I found out that he had been in a relationship with her. I felt devastated for breaking that girls heart, I felt I took him away from her. She was totally heart broken. It was her first love. But, the truth is that I TRUSTED what he told me. I never doubted him. Even though he ended that relationship after being with me for one and a half month, I do not think I ever trusted him again.

 

And that is why today after being with him for 17 months I have left him and the main reason being cause I lost respect and trust for him.

 

Does anyone think I did something wrong? I feel I should have ended this that time when I found out. He refuses to understand the fact that I felt betrayed. Blames me for not making this relationship work. But I have tried.

 

Does anyone here think that what he did is right or wrong?

[Tony T]

You did not give ample details to make a judgement here. But I don't really think he did anything wrong. Most likely he was in the process of letting this girl down easy...he was not seeing her but was nice enough to talk to her on the phone. While he was not specific with you that he had been seeing her, he did not lie to you when he said she was a friend and evenutally he did admit to having dated her.

 

He obviously broke up with her to be with you. Don't see anything wrong with that either. You feel sorry for this girl...but if he cared for you more I really don't understand why you can't understand this had to happen. He would not have broken up with her if he was happy in the relationship.

 

He had been with you for 17 months, a pretty long time, so obviously he was happy with you. I see no basis for not trusting him. He told you what he felt you needed to know at each turn, he did not cheat on you, he did not cheat on his girlfriend.

 

If you have additional details on which to base a change of opinion here, please furnish them. Meanwhile, I will say that if for whatever perceived reason you do not trust this man after 17 months, you are correct to leave him. He deserves a lady who does trust him and you deserve a man you can trust.

 

I hope this works out well for the both of you.

[SGA]

See it is not as if he told me upfront. Only when he was confronted by me did he admit to the girl's existence.

 

The other fact is when he left UK is Jan 1999, he went home for a break of 1 month and according to him it is during this time that he realised that his gf back in UK was not right for him. My point is that as soon as he was able to get in touch with her again he should have told her, but instead he kept emailing her and calling her darling and leaving msgs with friends asking for his darling etc for the next 2-3 months.

 

This is where I see it as not right. Only when he found me another support in his life did he left go of her, which indiretcly means that he would have tagged her along till he found someone better. Then during one of our arguments he said that "it was the biggest mistake he ever made leaving a girl like his ex for me". I did not ask him to leave her. All his friends who knew his ex blame me on my face for sort of enticing him away from her. They basically support her cause she went crying on every shoulder for help to get back with him.

 

I do not know. May be my thinking is wrong. But I do know that everytime we made love, the ex's face flashed in front of me since then. He has slept around with 80 women, picked women from pubs slept with them and next day did not even know their names, and he is only 26. I guess this is our Asian culture. The way I am brought up. So I guess the image I built about him is that he just uses women for sex. I do not know if I did the right thing but I know it surely destroyed the relationship. I never asked him where he would go and all when we were together, but inside me I knew something was breaking.

[Tony T]

OK, no, I don't think what he did was right, either to his ex or to you.

 

However, whether or not you can forive and forget and move on with the relationship is something that you would have to decide.

 

It seems you were unable to do that. So my vote is just to forget it and move on from here. Don't look back, don't question your decision. Think about tomorrow.