Grass is Greener when it's for another?

[stunned8165]

From what I have learned here, there are two types of GIGS.. The one I'm wanting to hear more about, are women who did the dumping for what she thought was "a better deal" so to speak. And from guys who were the dumpee, did the dumper attempt coming back after realizing the grass was only greener because it was over a septic tank? I'm interested in hearing some stories. ...... IS the grass REALLY greener?. Now I'm not talking about where you haven't experienced life. And both sides, was it a successful reconciliation?

[smokey bear]

I may be the only one who replies lol,

 

The grass wasnt greener, it wasnt browner either. It was just different grass.

 

I never argued with my grass or fought, we matched a lot better in terms of likes and hobbies.

 

For me i realised i still loved my old grass, deeper than i ever thought.

 

There arent two types of gigs, gigs is thinking there is a better life out there.

 

 

Ive read your posts, you want a reconcilliation, it won't happen in the mind frame your in, your still very bitter towards her.

 

One thing i will say is that GIGS is not a reflection of the dumpee, it is truly all about the dumper.

[stunned8165]

I may be the only one who replies lol,

 

The grass wasnt greener, it wasnt browner either. It was just different grass.

 

I never argued with my grass or fought, we matched a lot better in terms of likes and hobbies.

 

For me i realised i still loved my old grass, deeper than i ever thought.

 

There arent two types of gigs, gigs is thinking there is a better life out there.

 

 

Ive read your posts, you want a reconcilliation, it won't happen in the mind frame your in, your still very bitter towards her.

 

One thing i will say is that GIGS is not a reflection of the dumpee, it is truly all about the dumper.

 

 

So what you are saying is, I WANT reconciliation, but in the event she wakes up, I won't allow it? Or because I'm still bitter (which I am) that if she does contact me, I'll end up telling her off?.. Not sure what you meant.

[smokey bear]

While you are bitter a new relationship wont work, with her or anyone else.

[stunned8165]

Ah. I see what you are saying. Yes, I know this. If she walked back into my life today, she would have to hear a lot of crap from me. What she did was wrong. Flat out wrong. I was a good dad for her young kids. I was a great man to her. No problems for over two years. And thats what shes doing, she thinks the grass is gonna be greener with who she left me for. And it's not. You would have to know the whole story to understand. But the hardest thing for me was loosing those kids, and not understanding how she could act like everything we accomplished, shared, done together as a family and all doesn't mean a damn thing. She hurt those kids bad. I'll never forgive her for that.

[wilsonx]

My question to you is I understand your feelings stunned.

 

Have you heard her side of the picture. How she feels? What she tried to say to you?

 

Trust me, I know you are hurt and angry but eventually you have to let that go.

 

If she comes back there obviously boundary setting but you would hold anger and resentment and the relationship would eventually crumble. It's not a relationship at that point, because you would not be able to let go of the past.

 

You should think about this. The saying goes, if you love somebody you let them go. That means everything about them, the good, the bad, the ugly.

Edited November 21, 2011 by wilsonx

[stunned8165]

She never tried to say anything to me. I tried to communicate with her. Many times. Mean time, I'm home baby sitting her kids while shes having at a minimum, emmotional affair with her boss. Bottom line, shes damaged. The normalcy and stabilty was too much for her to handle because she doesn't know it. I'll never understand that either.

[wilsonx]

Are you angry at her or angry at yourself?

[Popehappycat]

Maybe it's in your backstory... but why are you watching her kids when she's out possibly screwing around?

[wilsonx]

hes mad because he was watching the kids while she was screwing around....

[Popehappycat]

Ah, ok. I misunderstood. Happy late b-day by the way. :-P

[stunned8165]

The only reason I get angry with myself sometimes, is because I knew better in the begining. I saw the red flags but I chose to ignore them. Even after running twice only to be persued by her.... I chose not to judge her by where she was at in life, I judged her by what she looked into my eyes and told me what she WANTED in life many times. She had it right before her, but she couldn't handle it.

[Damia]

the grass was only greener because it was over a septic tank?

 

what a great way of looking at GIGS .I love this quote ,thanks you have made my day:)

[stunned8165]

My question to you is I understand your feelings stunned.

 

Have you heard her side of the picture. How she feels? What she tried to say to you?

 

Trust me, I know you are hurt and angry but eventually you have to let that go.

 

If she comes back there obviously boundary setting but you would hold anger and resentment and the relationship would eventually crumble. It's not a relationship at that point, because you would not be able to let go of the past.

 

You should think about this. The saying goes, if you love somebody you let them go. That means everything about them, the good, the bad, the ugly.

 

 

Wilson, if you read my initial post, and read the e mail she sent me in there, you will see there was no communication on her part. I tried. All I got was BS excuses. "I'm a full time Mom, I work a full time job" Well BS.. I paid the bills, I did all of our laundry, I took care of the yard, helped clean the house, took care of her car, all she had to do was put the key in the ignition. I even gave her a gas card. I bathe her kids, raised them, showed her daughter how to write her name, and the list goes on. It was a normal, family, healthy environement for everyone. But she couldn't handle it. Her side? She has no side except selfeshness, lies, cheating and all. I always tried to make her feel good, worthy, needed and loved. FUUuCCK her.

[stunned8165]

Here you go wilson. Put this in your pipe and smoke it..

 

 

On Sun, Sep 18, 2011 at 8:26 PM, I wrote:

 

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][COLOR=#000000]I just got back from a long weekend in Biloxi....

 

On the way back, I stopped at Wal-Mart to pick something up in Crestview or where ever it was. I saw in the kids section a T-shirt that was

so

cool. It had a picture of a little girl at a desk in school and it said " a ninja monkey stole my home work... I wanted to buy it and send it to her but I wasn't sure what size to get being I haven't seen or heard their voices in months.... I had a very hard time keeping my composure. I have a hard time in any store I go into because I just want to buy them a little something as a surprise like I use to. I miss them

so

much.

 

Thanks alot

 

 

She wrote back........

 

John, I am not sure what you really want me to say to you....I am sorry that you feel like I am the only one to blame in this whole situation but you were at fault to....I did not leave you for any other reason other than the fact you acted as though you were not happy and you had no trust in me what

so

ever...and no you don't see the kids or hear there voices it is to much on them kadynce still talks bout you and says she misses you and hopes you have a new girlfriend but i am not confusing my kids or hurting them anymore than they have been hurt.....They are both doing well things are good with us.....well glad to see you are going and doing the things that you wanted to go now you have no one holding you back....hope all is good with you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

She obviously still angry with her self her.. And makes it sound like it's MY fault the kids are hurt.. Yeah, right..

[wilsonx]

Wilson, if you read my initial post, and read the e mail she sent me in there, you will see there was no communication on her part. I tried. All I got was BS excuses. "I'm a full time Mom, I work a full time job" Well BS.. I paid the bills, I did all of our laundry, I took care of the yard, helped clean the house, took care of her car, all she had to do was put the key in the ignition. I even gave her a gas card. I bathe her kids, raised them, showed her daughter how to write her name, and the list goes on. It was a normal, family, healthy environement for everyone. But she couldn't handle it. Her side? She has no side except selfeshness, lies, cheating and all. I always tried to make her feel good, worthy, needed and loved. FUUuCCK her.

 

Think outside the box on this, out of your own shoes. You are saying shes selfish and probably right but here's the thing, caretakers are manipulators too. You did all these nice things for her and you expected her to stay with you. And when she doesn't you get angry and hold on to that anger. Its understandable, I did it.

 

Look at what you said you did, this is the act of a caretaker, not a boyfriend or a lover.

 

The question I want to ask you is what did you do for yourself in the relationship, your own needs, wants and desires outside of the relationship.

 

What did you do for her physical and emotional needs (Dont answer this in this forum, only answer it to yourself). A woman with kids doesn't need someone to take care of their kids, they want somebody to take care of them.

 

Here you go wilson. Put this in your pipe and smoke it..

 

 

 

She left because you did not look happy. It sounds reasonable to me. You did nothing for you in the relationship, your entire focus was on her and the kids. How can you be happy when you do nothing for you or aren't happy?

 

You need to share some responsibilty in this breakup as well because all your posts are anger at her and you constantly say "She took away your family" They weren't your family. It's her family. I understand you grew with them and it hurts but it what it is.

 

You holding on to the anger indefinitely and calling another person selfish isn't going to solve the problem of moving on. Find your character flaws, focus on that, fix them, focus on your happiness, create goals for yourself.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1tXhJniSEc You should watch this... and listen

Now if you know what your worth go out and get what your worth

Edited November 22, 2011 by wilsonx

[stunned8165]

I did a lot for her emotional needs Wilson. I did a lot for my self, my hobbies friends etc. I did a lot for her physical needs too. She checked out for no reason. I tried to communicate, I tried to get her to do more as a family, like take the kids fishing, sunsets (I live near the gulf).. I tried to get her to do date nights.. All she ever came up with was BS excuses. She only focused on her job. Thats all she cared about. More than her kids too. And here is something I haven't mentioned too much.. DRUGS.. She got up to smoking two bags of weed a week. She had a script for zanex and vicodin.. Her attitude changed, I saw it in her face. She works in a resteraunt/pub where I heard there was always drama and drugs.. Now she didn't work there when we first started dating either..

 

This is what I think went wrong here too..

 

The Saboteurs: These low self-esteem sufferers feel they have the ability and skills to be successful in their jobs and devote the majority of their time and energy into making that happen. Success brings them a modicum of satisfaction and feelings of adequacy as long as they remain in the job or position from which they get praise and/or respect and reward from co-workers and supervisors. Tending to gravitate where they feel best about themselves, work becomes a form of SELF-sabotage in their marriage or relationship , as they place work before family or social arenas in which they feel less adequate. Saboteurs often don't know how to make time for their personal life then ignore and neglect those who are in their lives and family who love and need them.

 

 

Trust me Wilson. I thought long and hard about where I went wrong. I even talked to two other exes.. No complaints from them at all. Yes, I allowed her to walk on me. I was confused with what was going on in her head. If she saw I was unhappy, why didn't she communicate with me. Was I not wroth it? Was I not worth finding out why I seemed unhappy?. Yes, I was unhappy.. Because I don't know where my best friend went. The flirting stopped, the daily communication stopped. It began with him.. He flirted with her from day one. I saw the text messages from him I saw his little picture he sent to her last Halloween. It was since last Halloween that this change came over her. The same night that he sent the photo. I'm telling you, she checked out. I was understanding, supportive, tried to talk with her, gave her space, ie took the kids with me many times so she can go do what she wanted, nails, shopping etc. ....... Wilson, I'm telling you, the drugs, the influence where she works, all played a roll in the failure of what was once a very good relationship for over two years.

[stunned8165]

In a nut shell Wilson, I was a boyfriend.. I did take care of her. She shut down...

[wilsonx]

I did a lot for her emotional needs Wilson. I did a lot for my self, my hobbies friends etc. I did a lot for her physical needs too. She checked out for no reason. I tried to communicate, I tried to get her to do more as a family, like take the kids fishing, sunsets (I live near the gulf).. I tried to get her to do date nights.. All she ever came up with was BS excuses. She only focused on her job. Thats all she cared about. More than her kids too. And here is something I haven't mentioned too much.. DRUGS.. She got up to smoking two bags of weed a week. She had a script for zanex and vicodin.. Her attitude changed, I saw it in her face. She works in a resteraunt/pub where I heard there was always drama and drugs.. Now she didn't work there when we first started dating either..

 

This is what I think went wrong here too..

 

The Saboteurs: These low self-esteem sufferers feel they have the ability and skills to be successful in their jobs and devote the majority of their time and energy into making that happen. Success brings them a modicum of satisfaction and feelings of adequacy as long as they remain in the job or position from which they get praise and/or respect and reward from co-workers and supervisors. Tending to gravitate where they feel best about themselves, work becomes a form of SELF-sabotage in their marriage or relationship , as they place work before family or social arenas in which they feel less adequate. Saboteurs often don't know how to make time for their personal life then ignore and neglect those who are in their lives and family who love and need them.

 

 

Trust me Wilson. I thought long and hard about where I went wrong. I even talked to two other exes.. No complaints from them at all. Yes, I allowed her to walk on me. I was confused with what was going on in her head. If she saw I was unhappy, why didn't she communicate with me. Was I not wroth it? Was I not worth finding out why I seemed unhappy?. Yes, I was unhappy.. Because I don't know where my best friend went. The flirting stopped, the daily communication stopped. It began with him.. He flirted with her from day one. I saw the text messages from him I saw his little picture he sent to her last Halloween. It was since last Halloween that this change came over her. The same night that he sent the photo. I'm telling you, she checked out. I was understanding, supportive, tried to talk with her, gave her space, ie took the kids with me many times so she can go do what she wanted, nails, shopping etc. ....... Wilson, I'm telling you, the drugs, the influence where she works, all played a roll in the failure of what was once a very good relationship for over two years.

 

She made the choice to go with the drugs. the influence of where she works. It wasn't the drugs. It was her choice to put herself in that situation. Its like people say they cheated because of alcohol. They made the choice to drink and lose their inhibitions around others and put themselves in that situation.

 

Like you said you allowed the behavior to continue though. There is no way you were happy from the halloween picture until the end of the relationship. Trust me I know what went on during that time in your head. She did blame you for being unhappy as the reason she left. At the same time, you did not end it. This relationship is still 50/50 . You still have fault in it. You did not end it when #1 you saw the text messages #2 she started drugs #3 she shut you out #4 she was out and you were at home watching her kids.

 

You knew all this was going on, you even said I gave her space. Next time give her all the space in the world and tell her to take her kids with her. Be a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stop being the nice guy and letting people walk all over you. That's your fault in this, she walked all over you and you allowed it. Stop blaming her. Your never going to let go if you keep posting all these posts how many months now? still blaming her.

 

Focus on your faults... she played you and you allowed it. Forgive yourself for it because you are human and are entitled to mistakes and let it go.

[stunned8165]

She made the choice to go with the drugs. the influence of where she works. It wasn't the drugs. It was her choice to put herself in that situation. Its like people say they cheated because of alcohol. They made the choice to drink and lose their inhibitions around others and put themselves in that situation.

 

Like you said you allowed the behavior to continue though. There is no way you were happy from the halloween picture until the end of the relationship. Trust me I know what went on during that time in your head. She did blame you for being unhappy as the reason she left. At the same time, you did not end it. This relationship is still 50/50 . You still have fault in it. You did not end it when #1 you saw the text messages #2 she started drugs #3 she shut you out #4 she was out and you were at home watching her kids.

 

You knew all this was going on, you even said I gave her space. Next time give her all the space in the world and tell her to take her kids with her. Be a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Stop being the nice guy and letting people walk all over you. That's your fault in this, she walked all over you and you allowed it. Stop blaming her. Your never going to let go if you keep posting all these posts how many months now? still blaming her.

 

Focus on your faults... she played you and you allowed it. Forgive yourself for it because you are human and are entitled to mistakes and let it go.

 

 

Well Wilson, when you don't know what the hell is going on, or really what the hell happened because your too clouded to think logically, and all these emotions are involved, and your in love, with THREE (her and the kids).. It's easier said then done. Every one is different om how they move on. Even when you choose in your head to move on, there is always the obstical of emmotions. I know I'll be just fine. I just have to ride the storm out and vent when I need to.

[wilsonx]

Well Wilson, when you don't know what the hell is going on, or really what the hell happened because your too clouded to think logically, and all these emotions are involved, and your in love, with THREE (her and the kids).. It's easier said then done. Every one is different om how they move on. Even when you choose in your head to move on, there is always the obstical of emmotions. I know I'll be just fine. I just have to ride the storm out and vent when I need to.

 

Actually, i know exactly what I'm talking about. You are allowed to have emotions but you sir are mistaking love for need. You have said many of times that they were your family and she took them away. This is not love this is a need, this is a bruise to your ego

 

If you love somebody, you let them go and focus on yourself. You focused on the kids so much that you did not focus on your own needs.

 

If you have ever flown in an airplane, they tell you on the case of an emergency to put your own oxygen mask on first then then assist others. why is that you ask? Because you can not take care of others if you are incapacitated yourself. With thos thread and others you've posted you have clearly stated that have no personal boundaries and that is your responsibility in loving yourself. I know you are insecure too because you saught judgement from 2 exgirlfriends instead of from yourself.

 

To let go is to love yourself . I don't get paid to do this. Theres no ego boost in me doing this. I do this to help others. What i have said is logically and intuitively correct. You're just the only person that doesn't see it.

 

I challenge you to prove me wrong, go outside and go for a walk for 2 hours everyday for at least 21 days. Don't listen to any music. Try to stop thinking. Focus on your breathing, your environment, the sounds on your environment. Use all your senses so that your mind stops racing. It's ok if you think about them or your ex, it takes practice to control your racing mind.

 

My posts are clear minded with no emotion. Theres no compassion no hate. Some humor

[stunned8165]

Wilson, I was refering to ME being confused and not knowing what the hell happened. Not you.