I'm crying - I'm sad that's why!

[round1]

I am feeling so sad today.

I can't shift it.

 

I am doing well, in therapy. I think it is around 2 months since Dd.

It's the triggers that I can not avoid.

I see his w everyday. I see him most days.

Our line of work/clients cross paths.

And today a big blow, he has offered my friend a job. She is torn, so that makes it awkward for her. Though I told her to go for it.

I just can't believe he has done that, I would t dream of entering his life in anyway. He knows she is my friend .but I guess business is business.

 

It's just hard because I am trying to heal. I am trying so hard in therapy to make ME a better me. Trying to forgive myself, I guess him also.

I just have days when I miss him and am so saddened by the whole events.

Oh and I get it would not be any other way, we could not be friends, yet my thoughts sometimes say, I miss him as my friend.

 

I just feel the pain and I miss a lot of things. Early doors I guess.

Sometimes I expect to heal quicker.

[sad puppy]

I'm sorry you are feeling unhappy today. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by going to therapy and that it's helping, so that's good.

 

Is there any way that you can look for a new job? Maybe not immediately, but sometime maybe after the first of the year? That could help you greatly.

 

Just keep focusing on the fact that you are taking steps to move forward with your life and he is choosing to stay mired in a marriage which led him to cheat. He will be unhappy, but you are moving on.

 

Do something nice for yourself, like get a massage or a pedicure or both, take a hot bath, indulge yourself. You are worth it.

 

A minor setback, or a day of feeling unhappy will not derail your progress onto a better life for yourself. If he could not see how wonderful you are then F*** him. C'mon girl, you have a better life waiting for you.

 

Good luck, peace.

[daisy love]

Don't be sad! This is really good, ok! You are just looking at it wrong. See, your friend needs to take that job so she can keep an eye on him for you. When their sham of a marriage hits the skids like you know it will, you will know! And your friend can tell him all about how happy and how great you are and how you are getting on with your life and dating hot guys!

 

Keep your chin up babe!

[bentnotbroken]

Don't be sad! This is really good, ok! You are just looking at it wrong. See, your friend needs to take that job so she can keep an eye on him for you. When their sham of a marriage hits the skids like you know it will, you will know! And your friend can tell him all about how happy and how great you are and how you are getting on with your life and dating hot guys!

 

Keep your chin up babe!

 

 

This is about as juvenile and unhealthy. :sick:If you listen to this you will need more than one therapist.

[seren]

This is about as juvenile and unhealthy. :sick:If you listen to this you will need more than one therapist.

 

I agree BB and so predictable.

 

Round, you have been through a very emotional time TBH, the way he treated you after you lost your baby wasn't the action of a friend, he treated you appalingly, I hope you can see that. You didn't need or deserve the way he acted toward you. I hope you aren't down about him for too long and can see judge him on his actions toward you when you needed him most, for that is the man he really is IMO.

 

I so hope you have support IRL, besides the therapist and that you can begin to heal. Take very good care Seren x

[round1]

Seren what is IRL?

 

I just want to be ok. I don't know why all of a sudden I am having a set back. I saw him today on the school run and I felt so angry, this surge , I wanted to shout ! But we ignore each other like we don't even know each other.

 

I don't want my friend watching him, telling me stories etc. not my bag, I want her to have a good job, I want her to feel comfortable. I am just annoyed that he knows she is my friend. She didn't apply for a job with him, and I just would not enter his life in any way shape or form, do why doesn't he respect mine. But I guess he is selfish, as he so proved.

 

I know he treated me so bad, yet I am not angry as much as I should be. I think because I turkey believe he is very unhappy , maybe not in his marriage, maybe in his marriage, In all honesty I don't know what it is, I just know he is a unhappy man, & it's his responsibility to address that and not my concern, but I still have concern in a small way, we did share a hell of a lot emotionally, I can not let that go , it was an important part of my life but more so, his. He self admitted that, even after dd.

 

I just want to not cry, I want to feel strong and ok. I have been so great , set back has made me feel I am not doing so great:/ I hope it's just another phase.

And I wonder at times if I am in denial that he hurt me so bad , I'm so dissapointed in him for doing that I almost don't want to know he had it in him.

 

Then there is his wife, gosh look how I feel, how on earth does she feel. I caused this mess, how do u feel a good person knowing you made another woman feel so hurt.

 

I need to find a way of coping with the seeing him daily. The fact our work will cross paths, my friend may even be working with him..maybe if his wife knew she is my friend he would not be allowed to employ her..it's all scaring me , I feel will it ever end , all the memories.

 

Sorry I am really low at the moment.

[seren]

Seren what is IRL?

 

IRl means In Real Life, a friend, someone who understands and can let you vent and say exactly how you feel, without you feeling judged. I know you have a therapist, but often we (general) still put up a front.

 

I just want to be ok. I don't know why all of a sudden I am having a set back. I saw him today on the school run and I felt so angry, this surge , I wanted to shout ! But we ignore each other like we don't even know each other.

 

You will be OK, you just aren't right now, it is just 2 months, 2 months to get your head around why someone you thought had your back, who you trusted with you and with whom you made a baby with turned out to not be the person you thought he was. That is not a long time Round, really it isn't. Of course you are angry, I don't think it is a setback, more a natural process.

 

 

 

I don't want my friend watching him, telling me stories etc. not my bag, I want her to have a good job, I want her to feel comfortable. I am just annoyed that he knows she is my friend. She didn't apply for a job with him, and I just would not enter his life in any way shape or form, do why doesn't he respect mine. But I guess he is selfish, as he so proved.

 

Of course you don't, it just keeps it all open and you probably need closure. yes he does sound selfish and yes he does sound like he isn't thinking of how his actions impact upon you. It probably helps him to move along. I am not saying this to hurt, I promise, just that is how it seems.

 

I know he treated me so bad, yet I am not angry as much as I should be. I think because I turkey believe he is very unhappy , maybe not in his marriage, maybe in his marriage, In all honesty I don't know what it is, I just know he is a unhappy man, & it's his responsibility to address that and not my concern, but I still have concern in a small way, we did share a hell of a lot emotionally, I can not let that go , it was an important part of my life but more so, his. He self admitted that, even after dd.

 

Yes, he did treat you badly, very badly infact. I wonder if you are feeling as though you in some way, deserve this. If you think so badly about your role whether your anger is being directed at yourself and your actions, instead of at him. Look, A's are never, ever good, people hurt, had you ended up with him his BS would be feeling what you are. The thing is, the person who is the common denominator is him, the MM and TBH, he sounds pretty dammed selfish. he might be unhappy, but treating people as he has done you and his wife is a fault with the personality of the man.

 

I just want to not cry, I want to feel strong and ok. I have been so great , set back has made me feel I am not doing so great:/ I hope it's just another phase.

And I wonder at times if I am in denial that he hurt me so bad , I'm so dissapointed in him for doing that I almost don't want to know he had it in him.

See above, I would say that yes, denial may be at play, none of us, either BS, OW/OM want to believe that the person that promised so much delivered so little and most of us, at some point, blame ourselves, simply because we thought so much of them. There will be a time when you will stop crying, ir just doesn't feel that way now.

 

Then there is his wife, gosh look how I feel, how on earth does she feel. I caused this mess, how do u feel a good person knowing you made another woman feel so hurt.

 

I would suspect she feels much the same way you do, with the added minus of trying to make sense of her marriage. He made his wife feel hurt, yes you enabled this, but, he did this. I am an XBS and believe me, I laid the blame at my H's feet, fully. Had he treated the OW so badly I would have been royally peed off with him. You just concentrate on you at this time.

 

I need to find a way of coping with the seeing him daily. The fact our work will cross paths, my friend may even be working with him..maybe if his wife knew she is my friend he would not be allowed to employ her..it's all scaring me , I feel will it ever end , all the memories.

 

I have no experience of this and cannot imagine how this must feel. I couldn't do it, but if your friend does work for him you might need to set boundaries with her, as in no discussions about MM other than as her boss. Or not even that if you can help it. As for seeing each other, try to remember that the man you thought he was isn't who he has shown himself to be.

 

Sorry I am really low at the moment.

 

Never, ever apologise for being low. I hope coming onto LS can give you space to vent or speak freely about how you feel.

 

Take care Seren x

[thomasb]

Don't be sad! This is really good, ok! You are just looking at it wrong. See, your friend needs to take that job so she can keep an eye on him for you. When their sham of a marriage hits the skids like you know it will, you will know! And your friend can tell him all about how happy and how great you are and how you are getting on with your life and dating hot guys!

 

Keep your chin up babe!

 

Wow. This may be true if you are in pre-school! Adults have to think a little more maturely. Please listen to Seren. She is right on the money.

[frozensprouts]

sorry you are having a bad day ...

 

i could tell you he treated you badly, but maybe that's not going to make a difference right now, you are hurting and knowing that maybe won't help.

 

It's normal to have bad days, even if they are horrible, but each bad that goes by means you are that much close to the better days that lie ahead for you

 

the triggers will fade over time... they will become things that just don't matter anymore... but it does take time

 

you've had a rough go of things... are you taking good care of yourself?

[frozensprouts]

sorry you are having a bad day ...

 

i could tell you he treated you badly, but maybe that's not going to make a difference right now, you are hurting and knowing that maybe won't help.

 

It's normal to have bad days, even if they are horrible, but each bad that goes by means you are that much close to the better days that lie ahead for you

 

the triggers will fade over time... they will become things that just don't matter anymore... but it does take time

 

you've had a rough go of things... are you taking good care of yourself?

what i meant by the last line was are you trying to be gentle with yourself right now...i hope so. losing a baby can be so hard. your whole self, body and soul, grieves...

[round1]

Seren: thank you so much for taking the time to reply in length

Yes I am feeling I deserve it, came up in therapy. We are working on my core beliefs , as I feel worthless & have a fear of letting my self be angry. All new to me, but does make a lot of sense. I have past childhood experiences that are being tackled.

 

Said in a precious post ..affair has opened up a lot of areas that I need to address. But I am happy to do this. I want to be the best I can be.

 

Actually had a session today and now feel friggin worse! Lol..was that possible.

 

I am trusting all of your kinds and supportive words everyone. I will keep fighting on..it is early days I agree.

 

I realised today after therapy- I had a massive crying bout after and I was actually too embarrassed to call a friend, so thats my issue to put right. I need it ur correct. I have spoken to a few friends tonight to explain I need some extra time n loving!

 

I am learning to be kind, I'm busy single mum, one job and self employed , trying to set up this new business , so trying for me time is not happening but I must do it. In fact I went to the gym and hit the heavy bag for an hour after my session at therapy today and it really helped.

 

Thanks everyone its sure a long journey. And one day..I ei be the one offering advise to someone in my position I hope...help them through the dark woods of an affair.

Have a good evening

[round1]

Today I feel even worse. The school run - today they did it together.

I expected this to happens and to be honest they did that after dd.

However the way I am so low it's knocked me a little bit more.

 

They crossed the path in front of where I was standing..she put her arm in his. I had no choice but to talk behind them- and he put his arm around her waist.

 

Good for them - working it out. Bad for me- I just feel like ****. It hurt to see that. I do not know what emotions to feel.

Its natural they are going to heal and move on and part of me understands but doesn't make that easy to see.

 

I feel like they were rubbing my nose in it. They eased me to leave them be to heal etc, and I have. Keep a low profile and get on with my healing..but there is no respect for keeping out of my life- the offering my friend a job and now this.

 

Maybe I am overreacting. They have after all got to live- free world etc. but i am hunting deep inside for the strength that doesn't care.

 

And I guess in her eyes I deserve it. But why does he get away with all this. He gets his family and a loving wife prepared to forgive his cheating. I would not personally be able to be proud or forgive a partner that did what he did.

 

This is a tough week.

[seren]

Hi Round, sorry you had to see that and can imagine it must have really hurt. Was it done on purpose? don't know, but do know if it were me then yes, I would have done it. It's almost like a terratorial thing, that he allowed her to do it says more about him than her TBH.

 

Reconciling isn't easy and I wouldn't want you to think for one moment that his life is easy, we (BS) give them hell on earth, but there is also a circling the wagons thing that goes on where no one else matters, the instinct is to protect the marriage, not the relationship, that comes much later.

 

Don't know if it helps you to think of what he has actually subjected you to or whether that will make you feel even worse. Fact is, he has shown you what a tosser he is, not only with his recent actions, but his actions toward you on losing your child makes him a bloody monster in my book.

 

I am wondering if the miscarriage, end of the A, trying to hold everything together is pushing you toward depression and that it is all getting muddled up. I understand the self esteem issue and the blame game, please try to stop blaming yourself, try to think if the MM was single, would you have put up with his behaviour or felt you had dodged a cannonball? Lots of loss tied up with your situation, think of how well you are managing, how you are being a good Mum, setting up your business, all the positives about you.

I hope some OW can help you to manage how you get over it all. xx

[round1]

I have tried today to sit on my emotions and work through them.

This is how I currently feel

1) maybe they are ok and working through things and I totally reacted through my own pain to see them together and affectionate

2) my gut is telling me - he looked awful. And uncomfortable. And that it was a show.

3) why? Why do this ? They do not need to prove anything to me. Maybe they are not- just felt that way. I do not want her husband. I do not encroach on their life anymore- I am trying to heal and move on and the only way forwards for me

Is to learn to forgive myself and never do this again

 

I want to be angry with him, I almost feel scared to because it doesn't add up. The person I knew, he showed me a man who would not want to hurt me. Yet he did. So seeing it for what it is, well it is dissapointing to see he wasnt what I thought.

All through the affair, I said he loved the way I made him feel .he was adamant even after dd that this was not true. He said to me he invested his feelings in me , of he wanted sex he could have got that anywhere. He said he never has met anyone like me. He shared so much with me, regardless of how I view him now, he will ways hold me in his heart. He would not have told me what he did if I meant nothing to him.

Ya know, I believed this. And to see how he treated me after dd, It erases every word and every feeling.

He was crying a lot with me, maybe he was not in a good place. He dad died 6 months into us meeting. He said this year he was depressed, after a period where I had tried to end things. In all honestly at that point I felt bad to leave him. he said he and his wife brush things under the carpet. I told him to talk to her regarding the depression, he said she knew but said she is busy and tired also. He said they have a business relationship and that he hates his works is his life, but knows he created it. He excapes via work .

He also said that he loves his wife, is not in love with her and has been unhappy for years

He said also that he wished as a couple they did things together, but they don't. Only work.

And told me from the onset he would never leave her because the kids and the business. But if they were not factors he would leave. But he would still worry for her, it wouldn't be easy, but would leave

He told me he cheated on his first wife

 

I am saying all this tonight, because I have never shared the relationship I had with him. It might help to hear others views.

 

He didn't love me when we met, infancy he said to me .lets have some fun. He came into me. I was single, happy and thought god you jerk! However I got to know him, as a client and I likes him, a lot.

Then we began a sexual relationship. But 7 months later I knew he had fallen in love and a year n half later he began telling me. When I first met him, he couldn't talk about anything and the suddenly woosh! He could t stop! And cried a lot.

 

Was I a therapist to him? Me! Lol..I am messed up..clearly.

Ya know, I cared for him. I want to make this really clear. I was at times worried sick about him. He made out to me, and at times I saw it, how busy he was, stressed, over worked(totally) and I felt sorry for him I think?:/

 

I am annoyed that he had dumped all his emotions n life on me. Then tuners round like I did t exist and I am left thinking WTF ? He appeared to want me so bad, intact he wouldn't let me go, i ended it and he was begging me to not end it. Said his life would be **** without me. He was sure if he told her she eould take him for all he had and also if she found iut, she would leave him.

 

Tell me- have I been blind. It is hard to make sense of all this, I feel like anger is building up. But I do not want to react , I want to heal.

 

I am not feeling sorry for me. I understand ahey his wife hurts , gosh it must be so much worse than my pain. But this is life and I hurt also ... I made a bad choice. Why, I do not know. I know I did not wake up thinking hell I am going to mess up lives! I didn't think is the point for me and we know I am working on this.

Not being able to have a closure is a struggle and maybe why I am struggling.

[round1]

Oops..I wanted to add. I was deeply sad about the loss of the baby. It was horrible, it was in a public place and whilst I was holding my first clinic open day. I wanted to keep the baby, but had decided to not do that because I didn't want to upset her, or bring a child into the world with a dad who didn't want to know it.

I was totally confused , but I felt , small town, peoria talking etc, better to not have the baby- she told me on the phone she would not forgive him if a baby was involved also.

So I am having to address this issue. I didn't not have a clue at the time, my emotions where wild, but I was agreeing to abort a baby through

Fear. Sucks ahey.

But as it happens I lost the baby, so that was another phase.

I do not feel depressed. But the one thing this has bought to light is I have a fear of being angry.

I think I am angry, but I am not!

I associate anger with bad things, so i hold back

Hummm ..that's later therapy we will be working on.

Amazing, I saw a post about Ow - do they have issues. Erm..clearly yes! Lol..but ore affair I would have said no I do not. The Adair was a catalyst - my issues are child hood things that I never knew where impacting and holding me back so much.

Maybe I will be glad that I have an opportunity to become a better person, at least for my sons sake. To not impact his life in a negative way xpass it on another generation- no thank u.

I will stop talking now .

[seren]

Round, you aren't a fool for believing what you were told, hell, I was with my H for over 22 yrs when he had his A and I would have sworn on my life he would never do it, I knew him, believed the everything's good, so, if you think you are a fool I must be really dammed stupid :-) I nor you can know what the MM thinks, nor what was really happening in his life, or if what he said was true or not, you just know that you believed in him and his promises, thought he was a different person and now feel foolish because it isn't as you thought. Doesn't make you foolish, trusting, in love yes, but at some point it might be time to look at his actions, block the words, you'll drive yourself nuts with the, but he said .... look at what he did, for that is what defines a person, their acts.

 

I get the not wanting to unleash anger and that it can feel numbing, believe it or not that is a process too, it might never come that you howl at the moon, it can be cathartic, but if you have blocks that stop this, try not to internalise it. Write it down, I had a journal I wrote all my feelings down in, when I felt I had resolved all I needed to and when me and my H had got to a really good place I burnt it, me and a bottle of brandy and it felt such a release.

 

You know a lot of people in A's compartmentalise things, in that they mean what they are saying at the time, I don't think people just lie to get what they want, not for A's that last months, I may just be naive, but I also think that when it comes down to it there comes a time when it is either leave or stay, it doesn't necessarily mean he is a bad person or set out to hurt you, but I would say he sounds a selfish person. I am sorry you are hurt, it is normal to grieve for what was, but try to keep looking ahead, what's next for you, what are you going to do to make life easier for yourself, try to have goals and try to learn from it. I hope you find peace. Seren xx

 

It might help if some of the OW/OM who have gone through this could give you support based on their experiences.

[whichwayisup]

Our line of work/clients cross paths.

And today a big blow, he has offered my friend a job. She is torn, so that makes it awkward for her. Though I told her to go for it.

 

You did the right thing. Unfortunately, having an A with someone whom you cross paths with and work with, this is part of the fallout and consquences of the A. Your friend was put in a spot.. Her loyality is to you, but on a professional level, if this job offer is good for her, then she has to do what is best for her, even if you feel weird about it, she feels weird about it.

 

I know this all hurts and analyzing so much is part of the letting go and grieving process, but please, don't over do it. Don't try to figure out why she forgave him, given him a chance to make it right again. She has that right, it's her husband. Agree or disagree, don't read into it and make yourself feel worse because of it. Maybe she has issues too and isn't ready or doesn't want to lose him...

 

Be strong, focus on yourself and please, book a spa day with a good friend, go have a fun relaxing day! You need this!

[round1]

'at some point it might be time to look at his actions, block the words, you'll drive yourself nuts with the, but he said .... look at what he did, for that is what defines a person, their acts.

 

Wow that has really stuck in my mind. Been thinking on it for a while. Very true, very painful , but very true.

 

Your advice has been spot on and very helpful. Thank you.

 

I also agree with the part she deserves a shot at her marriage, i also feel so does he. Gosh they have little children and it might seem a little late in the day for me to consider all that, but i do and i respect their choices.

I am of course hurt by it and it is hard to see daily what i do, but in time i am trusting with therapy and addressing me, i will move on and let all that go. I was love with the MM , so in two months i am daft to think that will stop.

 

I feel a little better today. I am thinking a lot on his actions now, i need to stop going over the what if's and he said. I really agree. Thank you

[goldengirl86]

wow, i think your living my life, just a few more variables! In away there is nothing anyone can really say to make you feel better just time. The majority of us dont mean to fall in love with mm, but it happens! I live in a small town too and just around the corner so its is like constantly having the whole mess rubbed in your face, though that being said its the same for his wife as well apparently!

My therapist says that i have huge problem with control because i tend to fixate on them not myself, but its hard to when you see them so happy and your miserable.

I use to think i was like the sacrifice for them to be happy again, like he made me fall in love with him, used me and then once the attention was all on him, and his wife was doing everything to make him stay with her he threw me away, like i meant nothing at all. Its like how can people say all those things and never mean them, when you meant everything you said.

And yeah its does hurt that you hurt her as well, but dont trivialise your pain because you loved him no matter how he felt about you and that does not mean your pain is less than hers and greater, its yours and its real and it is painful!

[round1]

Goldengirl: I am starting to agree my pain is very real, as is her pain.

 

I have had a major set back past week- trying to now put it all together.

I think he was being honest during our affair- his feelings and emotions. He never promised he would leave her. He rarely bad mouthed her. I am starting to see he was just filling the empty cracks with me. I doubted he loved me and things he said, but in the end my gut tells me in loved me. He really was adamant that he never used me. Said he could get sex anywhere and that I will always be in his heart because of all we shared- and all he had spoken to me about. He was a closed book when I met him and I think he surprised himself with being able to talk with me. He told me he never would have believed he would have found in me what he did.

Though looking back he chose to stay because he felt webbed up- whatever that means and that the business n kids are too important. He can't imagine starting again.

He told me if his wife found out she would end things- and make life hell- but he would soak it up

I am annoyed that in hindsight he knew the fall out of an affair as he did this in his first marriage, yet he carried on. Knowing how deeply the cuts hit. I would never ever have an affair again- so what does that say about his character:/

He did say that he does not regret the affair- bet he doesn't feel that now.

 

I think he loved me - as I did him but he was no way prepared to up root his lovely life. He loved his wife n family and I wish I heard him when he said that. He didn't feel in love & was unhappy for years- I heard only that part.

 

I know what I have done wrong and I guess the recent show of affection is deserved and she has no feelings or gives a dam about me as that is how I treated her also.

It's crazy to see all sides- I wonder if the reason I am not so angry at him is also to do with the fact I feel he was a a creator of his own mess. He got depression after his dad died- it changed him his dads death. I feel he may have held onto me and was so scared to let me go because he had been so emotionally relying on me. I don't think his crying, sharing and feelings were done trick to get me into bed, I think he was scared. He actually said he was scared of his future, didn't know what his relationship would turn out like. He felt without me his life would be worse. He was worrying about me & him. He said he works so much cause it's escape and all he knows and he has control of that.

 

I am waffling on because all these things are starting to surface - I am seeing more and more .

The treatment after the affair was so shocking as it was him who wanted me to not end things and I really believe he would not want me hurt.

However he made a choice to keep his marriage and that would have come with NC to me. So I also - am I nuts find it hard to be cometary angry with him- but another side if me weren't really rageful last night as I thought hold on morally he should have called to say sorry - after the loss of the baby- he could have found a way- but if I was his wife I wod stop him from contact.

 

He doesn't lose out though. I hurt. His wife hurts double. He had his needs met for 16 months and whilst I know it won't be easy for him or her to rebuild- he still gets the benefit of potentially a stronger marriage. It's his wife that has to endure the forgiveness and acceptance. He might feel guilty for a while , but what lessons has he learnt. She forgave him from the onset. His first marriage fell apart due to an affair- did he learn then- doesn't look like it.

 

It makes me sad. We were close and we did bond n share n click etc. but now it's those we don't know each other- blanking each other when our paths cross.

I am annoyed I entered an affair- respecting no one. I am seriously disappointed- thankful to address in therapy though.

It's horrid to lose a baby and I Losshim he was a friend also. I did respect him at one point.

I have learnt a huge lesson. One thing for sure is I will never know the truth the lies. How they are or really were like. I have to take what my gut tells me was real, and move on. The long painful process. I'm also sure it hurts more because I am address my faults- never easy to admit is it!

And seeing them together I fe stupid and intimidated in a odd way.