What a mess.......Do I forgive her for cheating????

[mav2112]

Been married for 2 yrs and have caught my wife cheating on me. She about flipped head over heels when I confronted her with all of the proof I had. This **** has been going on for 6 months.(say once a week) She says its over with him and she didnt ever love him. She say she wants to be with me and wants to end all ties with him . But she doesnt want me to confront him. I could really harm him but to be honest neither one of them is worth going to jail for.

 

I really think she thought she could pull this act without getting caught. What I have a hard time coming to grips with is the fact she keep going back to him and continuing the affair. She said it all started with a night on the town and to much to drink...........but again she continued after that.

 

No I dont really know what to do. I think I still love her but definitely am in a state of shock. She keeps asking me if I am going to leave her and I say time will tell.

 

Not bragging but I have never had a hard time finding relationships so being single doesnt worry me in the least. I got screwed around before so I have always taken good care of myself by staying in shape and looking good. I could ever get some sense of revenge by screwing one of her best friends tomorrow if I wanted to, but I dont know if I even want to do that.

 

This is how screwed up this whole thing is.........one of the reason I caught her is because of her good friend (and only one that knew) basically told on her while at the same time trying to console me by wanting to screw me. Now I cant tell my wife this right now because she doesnt know that her friend has been calling me every night and telling me how bad she wanted to tell me sooner.How friggin stupid can you be to have an affair with someone while one of your so called best friends is the only one that knows and this so called best friend is trying to have an affair with your husband(me).

 

 

She continually tells me she really fu**ed up and it will never happen again. She stresses to me she always to this guy she had an affair with she would never ever leave her husband(me). I seriously dont know what to believe now.

 

I had suspected this a little bit so I told her I dont give a **** if she wants him but there is now way she is going to get both of us...........just tell me to go and I will be on my way.............she has 2 kids from a prior marriage and to be honest I am the one who has had to sacrifice the most for this marriage. Being single again would be much less of a pain in the ass for me anyhow. Raising someone else kids is hard. I never wanted to get married in the first place because I told her I am sick of girls changing their mind of what they want from yr to yr. But I gave in and married her when she pleaded she knew what she wanted.

 

So I am looking for advice here. Do I give her a second chance? should I lay out some ground rules for her? (I already told her the is absolutely no ways she goes out without me anymore) she agreed to this...............Basically my trust for her is miniscule so needless to say I dont believe anything she tells me right now except for the fact she tells me she is so down on herself now for what she did to me...........she is very ashamed and embarrassed............I really get the impression now that she just didnt relized the consequences of her actions......she seemed like she was playing some kind of game that she couldnt get caught. I am not trying to make excuses for her but she never thought about losing me because she never thought I would know. I have to believe she would still be screwing him this week if she hadnt gotten caught over the weekend. Getting back to the trust part I dont really know for a fact if this is even the first time this has occurred.

 

Part of me whats to throw in the towel and say adios but another part of me wants our marriage to work out...........but believe me when I say if she really wants this loser she has been screwing..... he can have her(and her 2 kids). I dont know if I can ever really forgive her anyway. I have had numerous opportunities to cheat but I passed and she didnt. The whole thing makes me just want to puke. The ironic thing is we never seemed to have any problems whatsoever in our marriage. She had sex with me somewhat regularly so the only thing I suspected was when she wanted to go out with her divorced friend 3 to 4 time a month but besides the occassional argument about that, she seemed to be very happy with me.

 

I sometimes wonder if she have some kind of insecurity problem(or mental problem) where she craves the attention of a affair while still being in love with her husband(me). It kind of makes me wonder about her maturity level(she is 32)........

 

enough ranting..........now need advice........

 

PS.......she is also open to counseling...........she basically says she will do anything I want her to do to keep the marriage. She has been very caring and attentive since she got caught. Needless to say I am not very responsive to these actions as I am still kind of shocked and hurt. Maybe just I need counseling. I am somewhat numb to this as I have had a prior relationship fail and I see all the stats on failed marriages so I wasnt going into this looking through rose colored glasses in the first place but I have to admit I didnt expect it to happen to me this soon, we havent even been married 2 yrs until june. I really thought she would never attempt something like this.

[dudesomewhere]

eh, your call. Never really understood why ppl give 2nd chances. Cheating is the epitome of disrespect. So, up to you. If you loved yourself you'd use that proof to get a divorce with nothing going to that hosebeast.

 

 

"She has been very caring and attentive since she got caught." <---there's your answer man. Only the guilty show such guilt. And only the conmen will strive to win back your confidence...so they can play you again. Trust me man, as a guy on the other end who've had females approach him looking to cheat...their behavior, discontent, dishonesty and complete disregard of their significant others is truly grotesque. It isn't some spur of the moment thing, they plan such vialness and execute it with furvor. As you will even see yourself, your case has been going on for 6 months. That isn't some 1 time thing where she saw the error and would never do again...she would have kept on doing it till caught and that's something I hope you'll see and accept. Don't do the second chance my friend.

 

gl though, whatever your ultimate decision is

[bluechocolate]

I never wanted to get married in the first place because I told her I am sick of girls changing their mind of what they want from yr to yr. But I gave in and married her when she pleaded she knew what she wanted.

 

I think that is your answer right there.

 

If you never wanted to get married in the first place it was doomed to failure from the beginning, regardless of what anyone did or didn't do.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

Let's see what you have here. You have been married only 2 years and after being married only 1 1/2 years she has been screwing another man for 6 months? She has been putting your health at risk and saw this as some sort of game. She would still be doing this if she had not been caught. I think you have made a terrible choice in picking a person that had such a broken moral compass.

 

What possible reason could she have given you for this? She made a deliberate choice for 6 months to screw this guy behind your back and humiliate and disrespect her husband. She sounds totally immature. I don't see how you can trust and respect him. If she did this after 1 1/2 years in the marriage what makes you think she would not do this down the line in the future again? How could you celebrate your second anniversary knowing that she was screwing another guy for the past six months and then coming home to you. The bottom line is that you made a poor choice and I think you know this. Of course she is being nice to you. She was caught and does not want to end her lifestyle she is used to. She did not even have the respect to come to you and confess. This would still be continuing if you had not caught her. The bottom line is she had absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. Think about what she said. She went out and got drunk and screwed this guy and then continued to screw this guy for six months? She played you and is still playing you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life and have children with somebody like this?

 

This was not a one time mistake. She deliberately made a choice to continue to screw this guy behind your back for six months after only a year and a half of marriage. Open your eyes and find somone who can love and respect the value of a committment and put your health at great risk. She made a mockery of your love and short marriage. Why would you settle for someone like this? I think you deserve more. Don't you?

[wideawake]

What bryanp said.

 

After 6 months? I wouldn't be able to look at her without being sick, much less continue to be married to her.

 

Sounds like you need to find a good lawyer bro.

[mav2112]

If you never wanted to get married in the first place it was doomed to failure from the beginning, regardless of what anyone did or didn't do.

 

I never meant I would never want to get married to her........I just thought we should of waited a little longer than when we did.

Maybe I thought this girl was different?? Are'nt I allowed to be wrong once?

 

 

If I was to leave her...........what is my first step? Go see a lawyer? The only property we have together is we bought a house last year and have a couple of vehicles?

[JustBreathe]

if you want my ADMITTEDLY jaded opinion, get out while you can.

 

why did her first marriage fail? did she cheat on her other husband as well? some people have such deep issues there is nothing you can do to help them and it's best to get away from them, suffer the pain of it, get over it, and move on.

 

get some therapy for yourself and find out what you saw in her in the first place so that you do not wind up in the same boat again later in your life. make a good choice next time.

 

i wasted half my life on a cheater. it wasn't worth it.

[mav2112]

I forgot to add............for the last 13 months I have been running my business working 40+ hrs a week and going to school full time to become a teacher (my second college degree)........plus taking care of our home, her 2 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats..........and her.

 

To me this makes her look even more unappreciative. Makes me really wonder about her mental issues. Maybe this is something that can never be fixed.......I mean I am bright enought to know I cant fix her if she is broken and unfixable, and after all of this I cant help but wonder about her.

 

I think I would understand all of this more if she would just say to me she is thru with me and isnt in love with me anymore. Then we could both go our own separate ways. I mean 18 months of marriage isnt really sh** when you look at the whole picture of life.

[JustBreathe]

18 months may not be alot of time in years... but it can feel like 18 YEARS emotionally when you are blindsided by infidelity in your marriage. it hurts no matter how long you've been married.

 

i do hope you will take some time for reflection and try to figure out what your own issues are. i don't mean to be critical, but some of us are "rescuers". we have a tendancy to get involved with people who need rescuing, who have problems we think we can help them with, we have this need to take care of people. i am one of these people. maybe you are, too. maybe not.

 

any way you look at it, she is a bad risk and if you don't have kids with her, etc., maybe you should just get out now before it the 18 months turns into years of misery and heartache.

 

i don't want to sound like a doom sayer. i just know what it is to love someone who is self-destructive. you can't help a person like that. they will destroy you right along with themselves. better for you if you go your own way and take a long look at yourself and work on ensuring you make a better choice for yourself the next time around.

 

we all deserve to have a mate who is honest, caring, loving and trustworthy.

 

now. you tell me. how is it know exactly what you need to do but cannot figure out what I need to do????? :-)

[mav2112]

why did her first marriage fail? did she cheat on her other husband as well? some people have such deep issues there is nothing you can do to help them and it's best to get away from them, suffer the pain of it, get over it, and move on.

 

 

I am her 3rd marriage...................she wont say if she cheated on her other 2 but now I wonder if I even have to ask.

 

Thats what we talked about for months before we got married..........she was this and that about how this was it for her and the last time she was ever going to be married and it had to work out.

 

I guess you can say I am pretty stupid when it comes to making good choices concerning women. I keep finding these beautiful women who have problems.......this is the second time in a row this has happened to me, except the first time we never got married but were together for 4 yrs..........do you think something about me attracts women like this to me. They both started out very honest, sincere, know what the want etc...........Both of these girls wanted to wait before we had sex.......the tramps will sleep with you on the first date. The 2 girls have to win the academy award for acting or something.

Maybe I am to much of a nice guy........Maybe I should quit looking for the exterior looks and concentrate on the interior but I swear I look for the total package. Like my wife now, should I have never gotten married to anygirl that has been married 2 times in the past???????? Once I found out this should I have just ended it. She seemed like a decent women........good mother, good career etc.......

[JustBreathe]

also... why do you (and me) need to hear from our unfaithful spouses that they do not love us? that they do not want to be with us? don't their actions speak volumes enough?

 

tell me what you think... perhaps we feel we need to hear them say they don't love us, that they don't want us anymore, because we will only believe it if they actually come right out and say it. we need to get smacked on the head with a 2 by 4. and even then, if they say they're sorry, we'll believe it and that will be enough to keep us hanging on. until they smack us again.

 

we WANT so much to be loved that we will believe anything they tell us. even when deep down inside we know they don't love us at all. they cannot even love themselves. what they think is love is really need. they need us. they don't love us. for whatever their reasons are, they need us. my husband needs me because he doesn't want to be alone. he has no friends, no hobbies. he needs someone to glob onto. i become his entire world, his princess. when i fail to meet up to his unrealistic expectations (who could), he resents me for it and then he withdraws emotionally. then instead of the princess i am the she-devil. it is an endless soul-sucking cycle.

 

yet, i continually accept this distorted one-sided picture as love. when he withdraws, i try harder. because, you see, i always manage to convince myself that i am the problem. that somehow, i CAUSE his irrational behavior.

 

i could go on with this diatribe forever! but.. i won't.. i'll spare you.... :-)

 

thanks for *listening*. i feel low today.

[allheart]

[color=darkblue][font=times new roman]Well, here I go again...surely getting blasted...but what the hay....

 

I sense that you really do still love her deep down and would like to give her the benefit of the doubt. If that is how you truly feel...by all means, do it...tell her...and mean it from the heart. Did she ever tell you she was in love with this guy? Does she tell you she loves you? Has she ceased seeing him since she got caught?

I don't think enough time has gone by for you to know if you can trust her or not. It takes a good long time to build trust back. Give her a chance if you love her.

 

There are no excuses for having an affair. Having said that though...are you generally attentive and sensitive to her needs? Oftentimes, women who are perimenopausal have intense mood swings and really crave attention and affection more than usual. Obviously, some 'need' she had was not being met at home. Regardless of that though, it is still not an excuse to cheat, but studies show that more women than not give that as the number one reason they stray.

 

I hope you can work it out. I hope she is sincerely sorry and does the work necessary to regain your trust. You seem like a sensitive and thoughtful man that she would be very lucky to have forgive her. She is probably making herself sick hating herself on the inside for hurting you and just knowing you know is humiliating to her. I bet you are right and she never thought she would get caught. If that is so, perhaps she never meant to risk your relationship...and was fulfilling an unmet need. Wrong? Of course! Does it happen? Everyday.

 

Now, about this other 'so-called' friend of hers. I hope you have (by now) told your wife the whole story about her hitting on you. If not, do so and the two of you get this destructive person out of both of your lives. She definitely gets the boot here.

 

My two cents. I truly wish you luck and hope you can salvage your marriage...if that is what you want and I think it is.[/font][/color]

[JustBreathe]

please don't say you're stupid about women just because you made wrong choices. you learn from more from your mistakes than you do from your successes. your mistakes are what make you strong, not stupid. i think stupid is screwing around on someone and destroying their life because you are too wrapped up in yourself to see how precious and rare real love is.

 

so.. i suppose my husband is stupid! hahaha!!!

 

you have the ability to give love, appear to have given this woman a great deal in a very short time, and seem to be very sensitive. these things are good and fine qualities. so don't knock yourself.

 

was i stupid for putting my faith in a cheater? i used to feel that way but not anymore. no. i was a trusting and loyal wife. that is what a wife is supposed to be. it isn't stupid to trust your spouse. that's what marriage is supposed to be about. two people being honest with each other. a shared union. not one person continually giving more than their share and the other continually taking more than their share.

 

takers always think they leave the givers holding the empty bag, but in the long run our bag is full because we know how to give and receive love. they have a full bag, sure, but what is it filled with? nothing either of us would want.

[mav2112]

but some of us are "rescuers". we have a tendancy to get involved with people who need rescuing, who have problems we think we can help them with, we have this need to take care of people. i am one of these people. maybe you are, too. maybe not.

 

 

Just Breathe...........its funny you said this as I have thought a lot about this myself..........I have the feeling I can always fix something. When I was growing up with a family with alcohol issues and a younger sister........I felt like I was always responsible for everything staying normal in the family(instead of my parents when it really was there job ....not mine). Now I look back and see my mom and father had a drinking problem and really so does my sister but I dont, because I realize all the destruction it causes. I think I definitely try to find the good in people and want to fix things. I am definitely one of these people. How do you change something like this. I really wonder why I cant be selfish like some of my friends who dont seem to have the "feelings" I do. Even with all my old exs that have broken up with me I always tended to worry about them when they were out on their own.........then one day I realized "why do I worry about there life when evidently they dont worry about mine"

[mav2112]

I sense that you really do still love her deep down and would like to give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

I think most men would have already thrown all her sh** on the front porch and said adios. I am not really giving her the benefit of the doubt but there are just so many issues. After finally knowing the truth I can stop thinking about all the lying she had to do to continue this. All the times she made it seem like I was doing something wrong..........WHEN THE TRUTH IS........HOW ON EARTH CAN A PERSON CONTINUE LIVING A LIE DAY TO DAY. ......she has been complaining about how soo has'nt felt well for months........now I say NO WONDER...........can you even imagine looking at yourself in the mirror everyday and hating yourself..................

[mav2112]

Did she ever tell you she was in love with this guy? Does she tell you she loves you?

 

She keeps telling me it was nothing more than sex and she never stopped loving me. She says she told him constantly she would never ever leave her husband(me)...........Of course she is a lier so how can I believe anything she says.

[JustBreathe]

i am an adult child of an alcoholic and alcoholism is prevalent in my family tree as well! no wonder your post struck such a chord with me.

 

i'll tell you what i've been doing in hopes maybe it will help you. (of course! that's what i live to do! help...) :-)

 

i have committed to attending al-anon 12 step meetings once a week for one year. it has been five months so far. i started just after New Years Day this year. at first it was a chore and i had to make myself go. i always feel like i can handle things by myslef and never felt i needed any help from anyone. but now i find myself looking forward to my weeky meeting and would not miss it for the world. because i do need help. i can't do this alone.

 

i also have been reading books on co-dependancy. my favorite is the 12 steps for co-dependants. the author is melanie beattie. look for her books and check it out. it is amazing how it has taken me this long to realize just how much growing up with my alcoholic father affected my adult life. even though i hate labels, if i had to wear one it would be co-dependant. i'm finally getting around to finding out why i make the bad choices i make sometimes. i wish i had gone through this years ago.

 

another helpful thing is i get up 1/2 hour earlier each day so i can write in my journal. that way i can track my progress (or lack of same!). also reading a little from a self-help book each and every day (currently it's a meditations book for co-dependants). trying to work on myself and putting my H on the back burner has been helping me to become stronger. maybe strong enough to finally get out of this bad relationship once and for all. it's certainly getting harder to stay.

 

i hope you'll be okay. i know it's hard to eat when you've had your heart ripped out, but try to take care of yourself, eat properly. get in the sunshine and let it warm you up inside. try try try to take that focus off your wife and start focusing on yourself.

[mav2112]

She is probably making herself sick hating herself on the inside for hurting you and just knowing you know is humiliating to her. I bet you are right and she never thought she would get caught. If that is so, perhaps she never meant to risk your relationship...and was fulfilling an unmet need. Wrong? Of course! Does it happen? Everyday.

 

 

She seems very ashamed of herself and very disappointed in herself.........she really seems to have no self worth right now. I am not making excuses at all for her. I am just stating what I see. Now again she could be acting but when I ask her specific questions she has a problem looking me in the eye. Its weird she could lie to me about it on the phone or something when I didnt know what was going on but now since I know the truth she has a problem when she doesnt seem truthful.

 

Its wierd but now there are times I want to talk about "him" but she feels very uncomfortable talking about "him"( I wonder why......right)

 

Should I demand she talks to me about everything even if she doesnt want to? I really dont have anyone to talk to about it but her. I am to ashamed for her and me to discuss it with my family........because they think highly of her. I am glad for this forum to have this to discuss with. Its is kind of like therapy.

[dudesomewhere]

this might sting a little more as I paint this picture but I hope you'll see why it has to be painted.

 

"Oh I feel so ashamed." oh oh (her doing the guy) "Oh I'm so disappointed in my self and have no self-worth." oh oh (you know) "Oh I really do love my husband but let me have sex with you 24 more times."

 

You said they were seeing each other about once every week at least? So yeah, replay that in your head and see what's what. Acceptance is key. My heart might show lenience if such a thing was VERY VERY short lived, like a 1 night stand...not something repeating over and over and over and over and over and over....you get the picture, lol. The infedility would not have stopped if the culprit hadn't been caught. More than likely it's still going on and if not, there'll be another soon.

 

man, I replayed that in my head and it's just wrong

[mav2112]

always feel like i can handle things by myslef and never felt i needed any help from anyone.

 

That describes me to a tee.............I always find myself saying things are just "fine" when in reality they probably are not..................

 

 

Thanks alot for your input........maybe I can learn a lot for you about myself........I feel I already have...........

 

I keep thinking my wife really doesnt deserve someone as good as me............she keep saying when I found everything out I seemed to be concerned more with her than myself but I think I was just in a state of shock but now that shock is wearing off............

 

Last week ................I wondered and was hurt why she didnt call me from work.............

 

This week...............I dont care if she calls me or not..........its her decision not mine..................

 

What a difference a week makes...........

 

Sounds to me like your husband doesnt deserve someone as good as you either...........................

[mav2112]

My heart might show lenience if such a thing was VERY VERY short lived, like a 1 night stand...not something repeating over and over and over and over and over and over....you get the picture, lol. The infedility would not have stopped if the culprit hadn't been caught

 

Youre 100% correct......................I am a very logical person. This is what makes me think this whole problem is much larger than I can even begin to solve.....................

[bryanp]

Hello again,

 

My friend I really think you have huge problems. The fact that she would

say she did not love the guy and that it was only about sex speaks volume about her and her moral character. Apparently she had no guilt about having sex with another man for 6 months just for the enjoyment of sex and lying to you about it. She would still be screwing this guy if she had not been caught.

 

It is no wonder you are her third marriage. You really sound like a great guy who is very sensitive and forgiving. Unfortunately some women will use that against you. The comment she made about still loving you while she was screwing this guy is bull. She made deliberate choices to deceive, disrespect, humilate and put your health at risk for her own selfish physical desires. I think she does not have a clue what real love and committment is. She is right that you are too good for her. I believe you would have to be somewhat masochistic and co-dependent to wish to remain in this relationship. She humiliated you in the worst possible way and had to be caught in order to have it stopped. Has she even volunteered to have both of you checked for STD's? It is your life but it sounds to me that she got the perfect babysitter for her children which allowed her to have sex with another man for 6 months and lie to you until she got caught. Some people like to play other people and some like to be played. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a woman like this? If you do then I wish you luck because you will need a lot of it.

[supermom]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t39573/

[JustBreathe]

maybe i'm wrong but... i don't think so.. i'll bet...

 

you are used to ignoring your feelings. that's why you always say you're fine when you're not. when you feel bad you tell yourself it's not important. you put yourself on the back burner and put other peoples needs before your own. why? well. because when we were growing up, our feelings were never given credence. we were made to feel like we were on the sidelines, unimportant. we were expected to handle any crisis we had in our lives without any help from anybody. if we were hurt, nobody cared. if we were lonely, nobody cared. if we were afraid, nobody cared.

 

living with dishonesty and secrecy feels normal because you weren't allowed to discuss the alcholic's drinking. you learned not to ask too many questions. to "mind your own business." you learned not to say anything when you hurt ... to "stop crying".

 

perhaps you even ignore yourself when you're sick, don't take medicine, don't ask for help, hate the doctor, ignore chronic recurrent pain like back pain, headaches, toothaches, etc. deny yourself the most basic things like a good pair of shoes, but are generous to a fault with everyone else.

 

we don't take care of ourselves because we did not learn to care for ourselves. everyone's life revolved around the alcoholic(s) when you were growing up. your most basic needs were never met.

 

we did not feel loved and so much wanted to be loved. still do. crave it even. we married people who ignore us, do not care for us, do not offer us companionship and friendship. because that's what is familiar to us. worst of all, we married dishonest people with double lives. because the alcoholic we grew up with was dishonest and had a double life.

 

we have problems with trust because the people we were supposed to trust were not trustworthy. on and on it goes.. i could write book today and indeed i think i have! dr. phil's got nothing on me today! i'm on a whirl fer sure.

 

yes, my friend, i fear the worst has happened. we married our parents. hahahahaa!!! oh no.

 

is it fatal? no. is there a cure? yes. it's you! the cure is you. you give yourself what you never got as a kid. respect. appreciation. gentle treatment. love. self-care. peace. validation of your feelings. they're real and they're valid.

 

:-)

[Fritz]

Originally posted by allheart

[color=darkblue][font=times new roman]Well, here I go again...surely getting blasted...but what the hay....

 

 

 

There are no excuses for having an affair. Having said that though...are you generally attentive and sensitive to her needs? Oftentimes, women who are perimenopausal have intense mood swings and really crave attention and affection more than usual. Obviously, some 'need' she had was not being met at home. Regardless of that though, it is still not an excuse to cheat, but studies show that more women than not give that as the number one reason they stray.

 

[/font][/color]

 

Riiight. Blame it all on the hormones. Female version of a mid-life crisis?

 

 

Sorry this happened to you Mav. Definately don't take things too fast. Take some time to figure out your feelings and perhaps see a counselor alone and together. Also talk to a lawyer soon to figure out what the situation is if you decide to go that route especially since their are kids involved. Hell, stay long enough and the courts may hit you for child support if you divorce (are the kids' dad in their lives?)

 

To be honest, I'd run, not walk away even with kids there (gotta feel sorry for them too). She's on marriage #3 (at 32!), 1.5 yrs in, she cheats for 6 months (putting your and her health at risk) while you work to build a life for yourself, her and the family. I'd say she doesn't deserve you and count yourself lucky you found out now instead of later.

 

 

You might take a look at <URL removed> too. A good site and forum there. Take care.