I messed up :(

[ladywilde]

Last night was the first time that I had seen my ex in over a year. I wanted to try and be friendly with him because he was always a fun guy to hang out with. I didn't want to rekindle any romance with him because I am currently in a long distance relationship (he moved to go to school) and I love him very much and wouldn't want to mess that up. So my ex were at this party and both very drunk. Throughout the night he had been slowly getting closer to me, such has placing his hand on my leg and holding my hand. We both went outside to have a cigarette and he began to tell me how sorry he was for the way things ended with us. I was happy to hear that, and then he began to tell me how he missed me and how beautiful I was. Being drunk all the old feelings came back, and when he kissed me I should have pushed him away and told him about my boyfriend but I didn't I gave in. Soon we went inside and one thing lead to the next. After the deed was done, he told me how he wanted to keep things friendly and I agreed with him because I knew getting back together would not end well. After he left I felt sleazy and used. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend because I know it will crush him and I'll probably lose him for good. It was a one time thing that I know will NEVER happen again, so should I not tell him or should I? I need help because I messed up horribly.

[freestyle]

well, put the shoe on the other foot.

 

If your bf had an "oops" with one of HIS exes, would you want that information withheld from you?

 

Or would you want him to stuff it down , pretending it never happened, but always keeping that secret from you........

 

How would YOU expect to be treated? Hopefully, you'll have the same rules for yourself as you would have for your bf.

 

(BTW, you could have put on the brakes the minute your ex put his hand on your leg---the fact that you didn't tells me that you haven't gotten over that R, or you may have a subconscious need to sabotage your current R..Whatever the reason may be, I'd recommend doing some honest soul-searching and deciding what your boundaries should be--)

[Popehappycat]

A one time thing until you get drunk again? Tsk tsk.

[ChessPieceFace]

A one time thing until you get drunk again? Tsk tsk.

 

QFT. No sympathy for you OP, don't care what happens to you or your relationships.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

so should I not tell him or should I?

 

 

 

Of course you shouldn't tell him !!

 

 

(unless, of course, your ex bf and your new bf are the best of friends)

 

 

What in the heck would be the purpose of telling him????

[Citizen Erased]

Of course you should tell him, and you know he deserves to be told. But obviously you have no intention of doing so or you wouldn't have come here, you would have done it. You want people to tell you that it's ok, you should keep it to yourself and get away with this horrible, selfish thing.

[shayla]

You played yourself, your ex played you. I usually would advise that you not tell him because I think people use telling in order to dump their guilt onto the other person. The real punishment is to stew in their own juices for the rest of the relationship with the knowledge that they efffed up and they will never have peace from it.

 

HOWEVER.

 

In this case your boyfriend deserves the truth. You need to tell him before someone else does. Also, give him the opportunity to let him go and find someone that he could really trust.

[mitchell]

How was the sex with your ex? You were at a party, so I suspect you just ducked into a dark room and went at it. This can be very hot and sexy! Or did you just head into the bathroom and let him take you while you leaned over the sink?

 

If the sex was hot and fun, just check it off as a lusty evening and don't bother telling your boyfriend.

[ffw]

How was the sex with your ex? You were at a party, so I suspect you just ducked into a dark room and went at it. This can be very hot and sexy! Or did you just head into the bathroom and let him take you while you leaned over the sink?

 

If the sex was hot and fun, just check it off as a lusty evening and don't bother telling your boyfriend.

 

Mitchell, what's with going into details? U mean depending on the sex, the OP should decide to tell or not to tell. Did u just woke up from sleep?

 

To OP, you should tell him. Don't try to sweep under the blanket. You are not being fair to him nor to yourself. Can you forgive yourself for cheating? Its upto him whether he want's to continue the relationship or not. Hope you learnt from this.

[RiverRunning]

The fact that you were 'happy' to hear that he was sorry about how your relationship ended signifies to me that you aren't at all over what happened. Do you know what would happen if my ex came to me and told me the same thing? I'd shrug and say, "Good for you." Being sad or happy to hear that a boyfriend is/isn't over your break-up, even if it's feeling 'sad', indicates you aren't over a break-up. Neutrality and ambivalence are signs that you have moved on.

 

Like the others said, if you didn't WANT something to come out of it, you would've mentioned from the start that you were seeing someone. You would've moved away, started avoiding him or told him to stop after he started touching your leg. I'm going to imagine you weren't that drunk, if even a little tipsy, at the start of the night. So where's the excuse now? You knew what you were doing. Your ex was only interested in getting some.

 

I don't think you should tell your LD boyfriend that you cheated. I think you should break up with him. He can't be harmed then - he won't have to deal with sleeping with you after you were with your ex. And he won't have to deal with the recovery of both a break-up AND the realization that his ex cheated on him. You can use the distance or something else as your explanation. Given that you broke up with your ex a year ago, I doubt that you and your current flame have been together that long anyway. By just dumping him and not telling the WHOLE truth, you may help avoid giving this guy trust issues that he doesn't deserve in the future.

 

Nothing justifies what you did. I am so tired of hearing the 'I was drunk, I was helpless' excuse.

[nofool4u]

Last night was the first time that I had seen my ex in over a year. I wanted to try and be friendly with him because he was always a fun guy to hang out with. I didn't want to rekindle any romance with him because I am currently in a long distance relationship (he moved to go to school) and I love him very much and wouldn't want to mess that up. So my ex were at this party and both very drunk.

 

If you have a committed partner, why are you partying and getting drunk? Because we all know the purpose of partying, and it isn't to just hang around members of the same sex.

 

 

Being drunk all the old feelings came back, and when he kissed me I should have pushed him away and told him about my boyfriend but I didn't I gave in. Soon we went inside and one thing lead to the next.

 

Ok then, tell your bf so he can decide if he wants to be with someone like you, or save him and end it.

 

 

After the deed was done, he told me how he wanted to keep things friendly and I agreed with him because I knew getting back together would not end well.

 

If you end up planning to keep your bf in the dark, then being friends with this guy is highly disrespectful to him. Even if he doesn't know. Would you want your bf to be friends with a woman he screwed you over with? I think not.

 

 

After he left I felt sleazy and used. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend because I know it will crush him and I'll probably lose him for good.

 

That should be HIS decision, not yours. And perhaps you need to lose him to learn a lesson.

 

 

It was a one time thing that I know will NEVER happen again

 

Only way you can be sure it won't happen again is to stay away from partying and drinking, because drinking simply lowers inhibitions and allows you to do that which you really crave in the first place, but just don't have the guts to do it when sober.

 

It shouldn't have happened in the first place. And since it did, you can't say it will NEVER happen again. Only people with convictions can say it will never happen.

 

 

so should I not tell him or should I?

 

If you don't think he deserves the respect of knowing exactly what he is dating, then be selfish and don't tell him for your own desired end.

 

If you think he does deserve respect then tell him.

 

So the answer depends on which question, does he deserver respect, or does he not?

 

I need help because I messed up horribly.

 

Tell him the complete truth and give him the respect of deciding what kind of woman he wants to be with.

 

And if he forgives you and says you can get past this, then stop partying and disrespecting him by putting yourself in situations you clearly cannot handle.

[nofool4u]

Of course you shouldn't tell him !!

 

 

(unless, of course, your ex bf and your new bf are the best of friends)

 

 

What in the heck would be the purpose of telling him????

 

Those that don't face the consequences are doomed to repeat their actions.

 

That and the guy deserves to know what he is dating.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Many of these others answering your thread are selfish clowns.

 

 

At the point when you cheated, the feelings of your MATE became the most important element to your relationship.

 

The rule is this:

 

 

"IF there is no other realistic way that he/she might otherwise learn of your cheating, you DON'T TELL him/her, in order to spare his/her feelings." (if there is a good chance he/she may find out through other avenues, THEN you tell the partner before those avenues open up)

 

 

(to take any other course of action is indicative of your own selfish nature, and a ploy to relieve any of your own guilt at the direct expense of your partner's feelings)

 

For we all know that your actually having cheated on your partner (which already took place) didn't affect him in any discernable fashion. Your telling him/her about it, on the other hand, would/could devastate him/her.

 

 

Far more people are caused to take their own lives by learning of their partner's cheating... than are ever caused to take their own lives by the actual cheating itself.

 

You can always tell him, but you can never UN-tell him.

 

 

This is a black and white issue, and others are trying to cloud it with idiocy.

[samsungxoxo]

Not to be rude or sarcastic but why do people that get drunk and cheat used the phrase ''One thing led to another''. I can perhaps understand if it was a quick kiss but you felt disgusted but if you kept going on and end up having sex then it was a choice they made, not a ''it just happened thing''.

As what the OP should do: if you're in a long-distance relationship chances are that ain't going to work. How long since we guys haven't seen each other? If you decide to tell him about your cheating, are you sure you'll be able to handle the outcome? What if he ends up giving you another chance but too much drama emerges?

 

It's really up to you if you wanna tell him or not. If it's been too long since you guys seen each other then I wouldn't really say anything because that's not too much of a relationship. However, if you guys see each other after a certain time and thinking of getting more serious in the near future (as in settling down) or will this be a dead-end relationship? If it's the first option, then I guess you might have to be honest with him.

[OnyxSnowfall]

It's alright.

 

After all... he probably hasn't been faithful to you either

[fortyninethousand322]

I don't think you should tell him, but even if you did, any guy worth his salt wouldn't let this end the relationship. Cheating to me, is not a dealbreaker.

 

Good luck.

[OnyxSnowfall]

I don't think you should tell him, but even if you did, any guy worth his salt wouldn't let this end the relationship. Cheating to me, is not a dealbreaker.

 

Good luck.

 

Alright forty, I've noticed this message of yours in multiple threads now.

 

What's behind it? Curious.

[fortyninethousand322]

Alright forty, I've noticed this message of yours in multiple threads now.

 

What's behind it? Curious.

 

It's pretty obvious given my posting history, but basically getting a date is hard enough, getting a woman to stick around longer than a few dates is near impossible (at least for me). I'm not going to throw away an entire relationship and start back from zero because she cheated. As long as she still wanted to be in the relationship I'd let most things go. Being cheated on > being alone and lonely.

[nofool4u]

Not to be rude or sarcastic but why do people that get drunk and cheat used the phrase ''One thing led to another''.

 

They want us to think they had no control over what happened and that it can happen to anyone in an attempt to convince themselves what they did wasn't all that bad.

[nofool4u]

Oh, and ladywilde won't be responding to this thread. She didn't like people recognizing the truth and letting her know it, so she started another thread and omitted the details.

[nofool4u]

I don't think you should tell him, but even if you did, any guy worth his salt wouldn't let this end the relationship.

 

So you are saying a guy that won't put up with cheating and doesn't want to pursue a relationship with a cheater isn't worth a damn?

[samsungxoxo]

They want us to think they had no control over what happened and that it can happen to anyone in an attempt to convince themselves what they did wasn't all that bad.

Which is the perfect reason why that ''relationship'' will not work out.

 

It's not even a half convincing statement given to a cheetee (the one getting cheated on).

 

It sure doesn't explain why they should give you a second chance. If the OP wants to confess to her bf hopefully she doesn't tell him that.

[Chi townD]

After he left I felt sleazy and used.

 

Sleazy? Yes. Used? Nope! You knew exactly what you were doing. You even wrote that when he kissed you, you knew at that point that you should have told him about your boyfriend....but you didn't. You can go the route of not telling your boyfriend, but the guilt is going to eat you alive and your boyfriend is going to notice that somethings wrong anyway.

 

If you didn't feel guilty, you wouldn't have seeked out this website.

[fortyninethousand322]

So you are saying a guy that won't put up with cheating and doesn't want to pursue a relationship with a cheater isn't worth a damn?

 

I can only answer for myself, but yeah. I would never hesitate to get into a relationship with a known cheater, and I would continue a relationship with a woman who cheated on me. As long as she still wants to be around me some of the time, it's all good.

[nofool4u]

I can only answer for myself, but yeah. I would never hesitate to get into a relationship with a known cheater, and I would continue a relationship with a woman who cheated on me. As long as she still wants to be around me some of the time, it's all good.

 

If you ever get married, good luck with that whole cuckold thing.