I managed to talk to her yesterday on msn, but I want more than just friends again

[SC]

If you recognise my name or have read any of my past posts u'll know what I'm on about.

 

Well, I saw Rachel in work this weekend, and I was pleasently suprised that she managed to put two to three sentences together when she spoke to me, although it was me who approached her. I text her on sat night after work and she didn't respons, but she said the next day she wasn't ignoring me, she just had no creit. I text again on sun to ask if she wanted to go out for a drink to help clear the air, but she didn't reply. Yesterday she was meant to be taking her driving test, so I thought it would do no harm just to text again to ask how she did. Then....she text back, ok it wasn't good news but at least she said something. She came on msn later in the evening and we chatted for a good 3/4 of an hour, which unfortunately I had to end cos I needed to go shopping. We didn't mention anything about the past, we spoke amicably and I really enjoyed it so at least now I have a start. She even said 'aww' when I told her bout my parents (look at previous threads) which I was touched by. This is just to give you some hope if you went through the same sit as I did, give it a little time. It was so difficut, there was some nights that I didn't sleep, but don't lose hope.

 

Anyway I asked if she wanted to go out for a drink, but unfortunately her A levels are on so she said she cant this week. Next week is half term so she sid she'll see. However, work are sending me to Coventry for the week, dead annoying! I hope we can talk this weekend. I know I would be much happier with friendship than being enemies, but ultimately I would like to have her back. The only advice I can give myself now is to go with the flow, see how she is feeling, then ask her or hint to her in some way. It would be nice if she did something first but I doubt it, so I'll have to make the first move.

 

What I really need though is some advice from people who have made it this far, and have gone on to succeed. What could you say to winning her heart back, or at least to feel normal with ehr again? I can't wait to see her, I just so badly don't want to blow it. I still love her, I always have done through this dark patch. OK, I havethought about puling other people, but ultimately I want Racehl back, because I love her, and I hope that me being normal and happy again she can see why she loved me, and realise what she has lost. Any advice?

[bluechocolate]

She knows you want to get back with her.

 

All the crying & cajoling & scheming & asking her out isn't going to work if she is not interested.

 

If you're going to hang around as "her friend" in the hopes that she changes her mind then you're just going to keep coming back here looking for more & more ways to get her back. Just because you're not friends doesn't mean you're going to be enemies.

 

Listen to what you've written here.

 

we spoke amicably and I really enjoyed it so at least now I have a start.

 

A start at what? Do you want her to be mean & snarky to you? If she believes she can't even be polite to you without you thinking that you've got a chance to get back with her then she is going to turn mean & snarky.

 

She is the only person who knows what she wants.

 

Ask her again if you're not sure of her answer.

 

If it's no then you're just going to have to walk away.

[SC]

To be honest I think that is a bit harsh. OK, I know I can't make her love me again, but there is absolutely no scheming involved at all. I can only judge whether she may say yes or not, I cant say for certain. But when I say we have a start I mean that we are at least talking now, and if it's not a start in our relationship again, then it's a start in friendship. It is possible, I know because I'm still friends with one of my ex's, although that's slightly different because I didn't try to get her back but I knew then that I wouldn't want to try. In this instance I know it's something I can fix, and I am fixing it because at the same time of proving to her I can be myself again, I have to prove to myself also, and I know I am cos this family feud isn't bothering me at all, where as last time it almost destroyed me. I need to persuade her of that also. OK she can still say no, but I won't ask if I read the signs that she's not interested. I was only happy that she has started talking to me again. I think that's fair.

[bluechocolate]

Hey, I know it's possible to be friends with an ex. What I don't think is possible is to be "friends" when what you really want is something else & she doesn't. I think you need to be over the relationship before you can be a friend, anything else is just pretending to be friends and that is not being honest.

 

I've been on both sides of this coin and I will always remember one relationship which I ended & where I did try the friends thing and it then became obvious that what they really wanted was something more. They weren't really interested in being my friend at all. In the end I had to get mean & snarky & just tell the person to p*ss off & leave me alone because that seemed to be the only way to get through to them.

 

OK she can still say no, but I won't ask if I read the signs that she's not interested

 

She may be thinking you're just friends & she's being friendly.

 

There you are reading signs like Kreskin & she's being friendly because that is what friends do & some day in the future when you think you've read all the signs correctly you ask for her back again and then she's like, "damn, I thought we were friends & all this time he's been trying to get me back. I'm just going to have to give this guy the flick big time.".

 

Just be honest with her & tell her what you really want. And let her be honest with you.

[SC]

Now I'm confused, what do I do. My heart and my mind still tell me that I want to be with her, at least until she goes to Durham in October. I want her back, but I will still settle for friendship. But do I tell her this? If we start feeling comfortable around each other again, then I break the question, will it seem like I've led her into a false sense of security? Or do I say something now, and potentially ruin this fragile situation? I feel that she will say no if I ask her now, thus I need time to prove to her that I am over all of this nonsense that has been going on outside of our relationship. I do just want to go with the flow and see how she feels. Maybe I might read the signs wrong, but I have to try. The relationship that we had means so much to me, and I know it did to her until I started to change. Well, I'm back now (if you get me), I'm back to myself, and I know that because I feel happy, which I didn't do when all the **** started. I hope she can see the person she loved again. Is that possible, if you stopped loving someone because they changed, and then you saw that they 'recovered' from a bad patch? It would more than likely not happen again, as I've learnt from this experience, and have had the chance to put it into practice, so I know I'm not lying to myself. I just don't know how to handle this now, because I don't want her out of my life. It would take time, but if I had to I could just handle her as a friend, provided I found someone else. But even if I did, she would still be so dear to me. She is a very special person, and I will never forget what we had.

[bluechocolate]

I sorry if I've confused you, that was not my intention. I just believe that if any relationship is going to work honesty is paramount.

 

I've just gone back & read all of your other posts & the replies you received.

 

She knows how you feel about her. And she knows that you want to get back. I don't really see what else there is that you can do.

 

You're clinging to this friendship in the hopes that she'll change her mind about you. That is doing yourself a disservice. You need to move on & try & get over her. Stay away from her. Don't contact her. The best thing you could is show her that you are confident & capable of getting along just fine without her (even if in the beginning that is not the case). You are not going to find this strength & confidence because of her, she can't give it to you, it has to come from within. I know how trite that sounds, but it's true.

 

Sure you can be friends, but not when you're feeling like this. It won't work now. You're just prolonging the agony for yourself.

 

Best of luck to you.

[lost_in_chgo]

SC,

 

DO NOT PURSUE HER.

Walk away and let her come to you.

 

Forget pushing the friendship thing, you'll just drive her away.

Let her set the pace. If she's going to come back she will.

 

If she tries the friendship thing you can either:

go with it's all or nothing

or go with the friendship thing and understand that that's maybe all it will ever be and wait and see. Friendship might be alot harder than you think and she will be putting your behavior under a microscope looking for excuses to run away.

[SC]

I think that's a fair comment, but I'm still confused. Not by any of the posts that are up, just that I do think of going out and pulling, I even have potential 'targets' if you want to call people that, I'm going to see someone I kinda like afterwards today. Whether owt will happen with her I don't know because she did go out with one of my friends, and to make it worse his nan died this week so he's really upset, so out of respect I don't feel I should. She helps to take my mind off Rachel for the moment. Ultimately though I feel that I would want to go back to Rachel. I feel that I should see Rachel outside of work to determine whether this is what I want, and to assess her reactions to me. We've not agreed a date to see each other, but that's because of her A levels, thus she is really busy at the moment, where as I on the other hand am just finishing my degree work so I have some spare time, which is really frustrating. But she did say it wasn't an excuse. I haven't been in touch with her since mon, apart to send a forwarded email that I also sent to about 20 other people, so its not like I'm pursuing her. I just need to assess how she is before I make any decision. Would you agree that this is probably the best thing I can do for the moment?

[BrotherD]

bluechocolate

Loved the following tidbit.

 

I've been on both sides of this coin and I will always remember one relationship which I ended & where I did try the friends thing and it then became obvious that what they really wanted was something more. They weren't really interested in being my friend at all. In the end I had to get mean & snarky & just tell the person to p*ss off & leave me alone because that seemed to be the only way to get through to them.

 

As SC has advised,

 

Put No Contact into play and move on. Let her come to you. If she doesn't she ain't into you. I know that's harsh. It was the worst realisation I ever came to with my situation. But I have come to accept it. No Contact has helped me considerably. Why? Because there is nothing more repelling than someone hangin' around that has "their motor running" so to speak. Especially if you don't feel the same way.

Back off and let the air clear and get your head on straight. If there is something there between you two it will re-surface. Only if you dissappear. Sorry. But I speak from experience here. I wish I walked away and avoided 4 months of living hell. God I wish Iwould have taken the advice from these wise people on this board.

 

Good luck to you. I know what your going through.

[BrotherD]

Should have been as Lost in Chicago advised, not SC