Space no Space. Very Confused

[Apollo432]

Hey all,

Was hoping to get some good advice. About a week ago my GF said that she needed time and space to see whether we were meant to be together. We always had a great relationship however we were getting ready to move up north so I could go to school. She was on board with this 100% or so I thought. She went on to say that she thought that I did not spend enough time with her friends and that she spent too much time trying to make me happy. So we had a nice 45 min conversation and got out the things we needed to say and hugged and kissed and said goodbye. I love her so much I had to give her the space she wanted. So I went to bed that night wondering when the next time I would talk to her again was. Well at 9:30am the next morning she called and said that she thought that she was making a big mistake and that she loved me so much and wanted things to work out.

 

I was very skeptical b/c of the things she said 12 hrs ago and said I think we need to give each other the space we decidied on to determine if that is what we really want (I know I want her and have told her this). We agreed on two weeks. Right b4 the weekend she emailed me and told me that she loved me and felt very positive that things were going to be alright in the end. My question is do you think it was wrong for me to tell her that we needed to stick to the 2 weeks? I dont want to lose her but, I also dont want her to turn back on her decision and this happen again 2 months from now. Regardless of the school situation I know we can work thigs out.

 

Also with the space I feel like I am waiting around for her and am starting to feel resentful b/c I feel like I am being taken advantage of. I know that she is not looking for anyone else rigtht now. I dont want that to hurt us if we wind up getting back together. Any comments or advice?

[bluechocolate]

I feel like I am waiting around for her and am starting to feel resentful b/c I feel like I am being taken advantage of

 

But she called you & decided that she didn't need the time to sort her feelings out & you insisted on it. You can't now start feeling resentful & taken advantage of.

 

If you're going to be together for a while & you want to be together then you should find ways to sort through issues together. How is space going to make her feel that she isn't spending too much of her time making you happy? You should examine this jointly & work through it as a couple. Just because someone is having doubts or feeling anxious, especially about a move, it doesn't necessarily stand to reason that they need to have an enforced isolation to sort their feelings out.

 

I've always taken the view that "needing space" is the first step to ending the relationship. Because, as I said, as a couple you should be willing & able to work through relationship issues together. I think that people ask for space because what they're really saying is that they are no longer sure that they want to be together. That doesn't sound like you two.

 

My question is do you think it was wrong for me to tell her that we needed to stick to the 2 weeks?

 

If that is what neither of you want to do then, yes, it was wrong to stick to it.

 

Call her up & tell her how you're feeling & forget about this "needing space" garbage. It sounds to me like you're both just sitting there watching the clock tick when what you really want is to be together.

 

I also dont want her to turn back on her decision and this happen again 2 months from now

 

Then tell her that. And tell her the next time she is feeling this way to talk about it & to commit to working it out with you, not without you.

[Apollo432]

Thank You for your reply.

 

I know that I am over analyzing tis a lot and I know that she does have a hard time expressing her feelings to me (I dont know why it is so hard for her). I think I was feeling resentful just to give me way to look at the situation in a different light. I wanted to know what it would feel like if I was mad at her for putting me through this to see if that would ease my pain even though I am not mad at her. She had told me before that she was scared about moving and I tried to reassure her that we would be together and I would help her in any way I can. I also tried to tell her that it was not forever. We would be moving to a place where she has no support system (no friends, family ect). I know that I told her that I wanted her to take the space and feel that she really needs it to determine if "we" are what she really wants.

 

People have told me that she may be testing the relationship and that this may have been the only way to see how I would react if she was not going to move right away.

 

The last thing I guess is that she knows exactly how I feel and that I have done all that I can do. I want to call and write and get in contact with her but, I dont want to place pressure on the decisions she is currently making. I was told that if she thought it was there the day after she said she needed space then it would be there after the two weeks that we agreed upon. Do you think that that can back fire? I really appreciate an outside opinion.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sometimes people ask for space because they can't sort out their emotions and are having doubts. This can be because the doubts are real, or because they can't trust a good relationship because of past problems with other partners they've just learned to distrust.

 

Once the space is there they can look at things a bit more objectively and make a real decision. Often this means that what they wanted space from was what was casuing their fears etc, and they stay gone when the realize their freedom. Other times, maybe not so frequently, it means that they realize that they might be making the biggest mistake of their lives and they return.

 

The best thing you can do is provide that space when asked for it and leave that door open. Then you know that when they return it is because they want to.